Sibling disagreements
I sympathise 100% with your situation, Sassy-Lassy. I share POA with my older brother. My younger brother lives 500 miles away and rarely visits. For at least a year now my older brother has been full of rage towards me for "selfishly keeping my mother alive with antibiotics even though she is just a vegetable", and he can't bear to see her suffering. For the past 7 years she has been living in a wonderful care home, and has enjoyed some of the happiest years of her life there (now 96). She has remained alert, bright, engaged, very smiley and happy, with good memories, even despite dwindling speech and loss of all her motor functions, being doubly incontinent, and having to be fed. But NOT a vegetable in ANY WAY! My brother visits for 20 mins every 2 to 3 weeks. I usually visit for 1-2 hours 3 times a week, more often if she isn't feeling well. I believe I know her, her wishes, and her state of mind somewhat better than my brother! She gets lots of urine infections and occasional chest infections. Since she was found to be resistant to all the oral antibiotics for UTIs we we have been using a very effective alternative remedy. She is hardly "suffering". I think it's my brother who is the one who is suffering, not her!
But now, as my mum isn't so well again, my brother is threatening to take me and the doctor to court to make sure we end her life, instead of "prolonging it with antibiotics". He refuses to accept that antibiotics do not prolong the life of those who are ready to die; and that my mum still has a strong will and, at least up until now, has wanted to live and so has recovered from all of her many infections - and if now is the time for her to let go, then that is her own choice, not mine. He believes that I am to blame for all her (and his) suffering, and he has repeatedly told all the family that I have kept her alive for my own selfish needs, and that I have persuaded her doctor (private doc) to do everything I ask of him. So he has turned all the family against me as well.
And yet my mum has been a shining light of joy and love at the home, and has touched the hearts, minds and spirits of almost every resident and staff member there. Her two regular visitors (whom I have organised) are devoted to her as she is so loving and responsive. They both find themselves enchanted and blessed in her presence. For me, her stay in the Home has indeed been a hugely healing and loving time. These are experiences that, sadly, have completely by-passed my brother - and the rest of the family. I feel he sees her for who she isn't (ie she's not who she used to be); I feel I see her for who she is (loving, accepting, happy, and engaged with all those around her).
Now I don't know what to say to my brother, knowing how great is his rage is towards me. He refuses to listen to or believe anything I say. Instead he just shouts at me, accusing me of being selfish and cruel. I feel I have been the complete opposite, having made huge sacrifices in my own life and work to help care for her and ensure she has been as happy as she could possibly be. And how can I deal with the rest of the family when their views have been contaminated by his rage and blame?
Sorry I've ranted on somewhat. When passions run high, so the words just flow.
Thank you for the opportunity, Talking Point!