Constant stress, and paperwork

[Lindy50]

OMG you guys

I've only just caught up with this thread but so much rings bells for me ( though I am grateful to live only half an hour's drive from mum). Truly I feel that her life is now better organised than my own ....and I even know where things are kept in her place, better than I do in my own home

I keep a large A4 ring binder for each year, or part of a year if needed, and use dividers to keep banking, savings, care costs, bills, pensions and AA, medical matters, social things like clubs, official assessments, etc etc separate from each other. There's an index at the front that I update as I go along. It feels so good to be able to lift out the relevant document immediately on request! No way is my own life this well organised....

You're right, though, I've yet to meet anyone other than a TPer who has any idea of the need for this level of organisation.

Well done everyone, is all I can say

Lindy xx

 

[Mango]

Agree - it is like having a second job

Running a second household (with a "difficult" householder in residence!) is like having a second job.

My ways of coping include:

• Simplify where possible. Every task I do I look at with fresh eyes to see if it can be done easier, or a better way, next time.
• Slowly migrate to having all bills etc managed online. I am also substituting my mobile phone number for Mum's landline as a contact as phone calls from "strangers" (even reminders about medical appointments etc) now confuse her. I have also started changing her address (to mine) for the few items (other than family mail or magazines) that still come in the mail.
• Scan all important documents - backed up to a cloud service so accessible from anywhere
• I've added info such as medication, medical history etc to Mum's contact details in my Gmail address book, so again, details are instantly accessible on my phone and anywhere else when needed.
• I use a use a website and app (on phone and tablet) called Workflowy to manage all lists (except contacts) and short notes of anything that is not recorded elsewhere.

And for managing the stress, I find that dog walking and a glass of wine in the evening (not at the same time) work wonders

M

 

[Lindy50]

Oh yes....I forgot the phone! Like you mango, I am putting down my mobile as mum's contact number, and do almost everything online.

I never could get into scanning, but it does sound a fab idea xx

 

[Mango]

The scanning (I make PDF files) felt like a pain at first, but has more than repaid itself in terms of convenience since. I now only keep paper copies of stuff if absolutely necessary.

Like some of you have said, I also physically separate "Mum's paperwork" from my own. One of the coping mechanisms

 

[hariyaksh]

For months now I have had to deal with all my mother’s paperwork – going back months/years since she mismanaged her affairs and refused help from the family (unpaid bills, insurance, tax returns…) – trying to locate important documents in the clutter of her flat...

I live in France so it has been particularly time-consuming, hours spent on the phone with banks, for example, to deal with something that could easily be done by calling into the local branch.

Everything has been complicated.

I am now in the process of selling her flat and hope that once I have cleared and sold it, I will have time for my own paperwork – which I have neglected for months…

I have dropped just about everything to deal with my mother’s affairs, and now I feel that I want my life back.

I saw my doctor last week, who said that my energy levels are very low and that the physical manifestations of stress will probably not disappear while I have the constant stress of caring for my mother.

I know it must be the same for all of us, managing someone else’s life – I know I have no choice – there is no-one else to do it, but I never expected this !

I Suppose I'm beginning to understand how it feels. I have a Grandmother who suffers from FrontoTemporal Dementia. I have to manage my work, my studies and while one would expect to relax at home, I have to take care of her too. My stress level is ever rising and I feel that even though my granny has dementia, I'm the one who is terminally ill (Or will be in a matter of time). People told me to have patience and there is always "Light at the End of a Dark Tunnel" . I feel that my life is not in a tunnel but a hole and I'm always going to be buried inside one. Still somehow, everyday i wake and try to live with an optimistic attitude. Not for the world, not for myself, but for my granny. I just keep trying to make her life better. And if not better, then atleast not worse than it already is.

 

[Angela T]

I sympathize with you all. I'm in the same boat. Live 6,000 miles away and I'm an only child. Dad has dementia and mum has absolutely no idea how to do anything financial (always relied on dad). She doesn't even know how to read her own bank statement. In fact, she didn't know what a bank statement even was. I have to do everything for her via email or phone. The 9-hour time difference is a killer too. I'm up all hours of the night.

All the best,

LS

OMG, 9-hour time difference !!! It must be almost impossible - How on earth do you manage contacting people during office hours in the UK ? I can see why you're up all hours...

If you're not getting a proper night's sleep, you must be feeling very stretched !

I have one hour time difference, and that makes things difficult at times.

My mother also relied on my dad to deal with all the financial stuff - which is why it has not been properly dealt with since he died 8 years ago.

I sympathise with you, having to deal with everything via your mum, and from a distance, and in a very different time zone !

Take care !

 

[Angela T]

Another tip for paperwork, organising apts or just calling companies is to keep a diary. A4 is great as you can note down details of hospital outcome, utility co conversations etc and then if you need to look up or refer to when it was its in black and white. Stress reduced!

I'm not sure about the wording of POA but if they are kept in car and car or document stolen is there not a risk of fraud? Maybe totally wrong but I would be concerned.

I also try to keep paperwork separate, but it's weird how you prioritise their stuff before your own isn't it?

Yes a separate diary is useful - anything to reduce the stress!

Very weird how we prioritise their stuff before our own, I agree! Why do we do that ???

Sometimes we have to, if it's urgent, but it's not always urgent, is it...?

 

[Angela T]

So much on this thread ties in with my experience, feelings and stress.

I live a 3.5 hour drive away from her house, so have done 7 hours of driving )in a day) when I have been back there to sort things out.

Clearing her house was difficult due to the state she had got it in, pre dementia hoarding and lack of care of it.

She has numerous bank accounts - 4 current accounts, many saving accounts all her shares held individually, trying to sort this out when I only have a little bit of time each week is taking forever.

I am making progress - but slowly and OH has no inkling of the work involved

7 hours' driving on top of sorting things out, is a lot !

Your experience of clearing the house sounds like mine. My mother lived in an unbelievable amount of clutter, even before she had Alzheimer's. I cleared all the surfaces and removed all visible clutter etc... before putting the flat on the market. It was unrecognisable!

Ditto the numerous bank accounts - cash accumulating in a current account, several saving accounts, one with 29 pence in it! And numerous investment accounts to try and track down, some no longer valid, often with small amounts...

I no longer work so at least I have the time to do this, even if it feels like I do nothing much else - but if you are juggling work and dealing with your mother's affairs, well, that must be VERY stressful...

My husband is supportive, but cannot imagine what it all entails... I think no-one can, unless they have had to do it, it just SO MUCH MORE than I ever imagined - and I don't really see an end to it...

 

[Angela T]

OMG you guys

I've only just caught up with this thread but so much rings bells for me ( though I am grateful to live only half an hour's drive from mum). Truly I feel that her life is now better organised than my own ....and I even know where things are kept in her place, better than I do in my own home

I keep a large A4 ring binder for each year, or part of a year if needed, and use dividers to keep banking, savings, care costs, bills, pensions and AA, medical matters, social things like clubs, official assessments, etc etc separate from each other. There's an index at the front that I update as I go along. It feels so good to be able to lift out the relevant document immediately on request! No way is my own life this well organised....

You're right, though, I've yet to meet anyone other than a TPer who has any idea of the need for this level of organisation.

Well done everyone, is all I can say

Lindy xx

Lindy, same here. My mother's life is definitely better organised that my own.

I also use large A4 ring binders, to file things I have dealt with, and need to refer back to. I will soon need another - they fill up fast ! And I reorganise them as I go along.

Before filing away, I use different coloured plastic folders for different things : medical, financial, care home, my expenses etc etc

Yes my life is no way this well organised.

2015 was going to be the year I attacked my own clutter (boxes in basement from last move, plus filing my own papers away etc...) instead of which I have done all that for my mother, and not even got started on my stuff...!

You're right, when you talk about the need for this level of organisation.

I'm hoping this inspires me to organise my own stuff as well as this, when I finally get round to it...

 

[looviloo]

It feels lonely - I'm not really sure my husband and children understand how this gets hold of you and doesn't let go....

I know this feeling well, and then I start to doubt myself and wonder if I'm becoming obsessive? But it really IS a lot of work, sorting out someone else's life on top of our own. Unless you've been there and done it, it's impossible to fully understand. My OH is very supportive, but also finds it difficult, especially as he's tired and stressed from his own job. Since I've joined this forum I've felt a lot less lonely... I hope it's the same for you

 

[Angela T]

Me too, Looviloo, I started to doubt myself, and it does feel lonely. I feel solely responsible for my mother's well-being and finances... quite a responsibility.

I expected to be totally taken up with my mother's affairs - care, health, finances, flat - for 3-4 months, but it has gone on and on - and I found myself thinking I must be inefficient, or obsessive.

I said to one of my daughters recently something like "Lucky I'm well organised, otherwise I don't know how I'd have got all this done..." and she looked at me as if to say "You ? Well organised ?"

AT least on TP we feel understood !

 

[looviloo]

AT least on TP we feel understood !

Yes, I'd find it very, very difficult if I couldn't come here and read / share.

I've been wondering if all this paperwork is a modern life thing? My mum looked after her parents and sorted everything out, but I don't remember her dealing with all of this form-filling etc. Unless I was just too young to realise.

 

[fredsnail]

The scanning (I make PDF files) felt like a pain at first, but has more than repaid itself in terms of convenience since. I now only keep paper copies of stuff if absolutely necessary.

Like some of you have said, I also physically separate "Mum's paperwork" from my own. One of the coping mechanisms

Do the HMRC etc accept PDF files or do you need to retain the paper originals?

 

[Mrsbusy]

I like to think of this awful journey as a long road but instead of it having holes to fall in, as I'm not great at mobility, I think of it as a road with many bends in it, and as soon as you get round one along comes another! I think if someone told me there was light at the end of it I'd have to say we'll turn the blasted switch on now then! Some people really don't get it do they?

Just an idea juggling,um if I was you, I think I would take an overnight bag, sleeping etc and a couple of meals or money for fish and chips and stay overnight at your mums. Then you could not feel so rushed and under pressure, get a lot more done and carry on in the morning, until you were ready to leave.

There is also another bonus to this idea, firstly of course pack a bottle of wine to relax with in the evening after phoning hubby to see how he's coping without you with the family. I would do this on a regular basis as it will be sorted quicker, you will be less stressed and then if bad weather happens it's not such a problem.

Just an idea.

 

[jugglingmum]

Just an idea juggling,um if I was you, I think I would take an overnight bag, sleeping etc and a couple of meals or money for fish and chips and stay overnight at your mums. Then you could not feel so rushed and under pressure, get a lot more done and carry on in the morning, until you were ready to leave.

There is also another bonus to this idea, firstly of course pack a bottle of wine to relax with in the evening after phoning hubby to see how he's coping without you with the family. I would do this on a regular basis as it will be sorted quicker, you will be less stressed and then if bad weather happens it's not such a problem.

Just an idea.

Thanks for suggestion - house is now as cleared as it needs to be. Due to the severe neglect the house wasn't suitable to stay in (long story detailed elsewhere) but I did stay in a hotel for 2 nights early on taking 3 days off work unpaid (I work Mon to Wed) I did the first couple of visits as round trips in the day. I was going down about 7pm on a Wed and staying at my friends' parents after that and coming back on the Thursday - so was actually 7 hours of driving in 26 hours - still exhausting. The last visit I did was to see someone wanting to buy it - and I had to take daughter to a race half an hour away which I would have done in the day anyway and went past on the way home.

It took me ages to catch up with my normal Thursday chores and so my mum's affairs didn't get dealt with when they should (chocolate teapot brother was meant to clear the house - but that's another story).

I find that if I have to spend my day off on a Thursday dealing with a lot of stuff for mum it takes a week to catch up on normal household chores. I am on parent taxi service evenings and weekends so not much slack in the system. Hubby is also on parent taxi duties - daughter trains most evenings and if not racing at a weekend is training (she cycles so some of this he is training with her).

I do intend to get everything spreadsheeted but just getting POAs sorted and then registering them with all the banks has taken a lot of time.

 

[jugglingmum]

Do the HMRC etc accept PDF files or do you need to retain the paper originals?

HMRC require proof of income/expenses - so should be OK. Stockbrokers issue their tax packs electronically and many employers now only have online payslips.

(I am a tax manager for a firm of accountants )

 

[Mango]

Do the HMRC etc accept PDF files or do you need to retain the paper originals?

I had to look up what the HMRC was IRD (Inland Revenue Department) in my part of the world accepts PDF files for business related things. Mum's rebate form for donations still needs the physical receipts attached.

I scanned things such as birth, naturalization documents, Dad's death certificate, Will, POAs, passports etc etc when I took over looking after Mum after Dad died suddenly a few years ago. Most organisations that need to "sight" a piece of paper have accepted my emailed PDF versions. Much easier...

M

 

[Gknee]

So good to know I'm not alone.

This thread has helped me so much!

Micro-managing someone else's life is one of the hardest things I have ever done. The multiple accounts, ancient paperwork mixed with recent, handwritten notes ( sometimes in shorthand - clever mum) have had me close to screaming at times. Reading everyone's similar experiences is reassuring me that I'm not as out of my depth as I thought.

And once this is done, I'm determined to streamline my own paper trail, and maybe get round to paying a bill or ten of my own...

 

[Lindy50]

Very weird how we prioritise their stuff before our own, I agree! Why do we do that ???

I'm finding all the comments on here really helpful and supportive, so thanks everyone

For me, I think the reasons I prioritise mum's stuff are at least twofold: one, because I am responsible, I feel that I should be able to respond quickly whenever asked for or about anything to do with mum ...and two, I have to be mega-organised, because if course I can't ask mum, 'oh by the way, what's your online password for 'x', or 'do you pay for your newspapers monthly or weekly', or 'where are the details of dad's occupational pension', and so on and so on......

Whereas, I am making huge assumptions about my ability to remember details of my own life in paperwork.....and that ability seems to be fading fast... xx

 

[Angela T]

Running a second household (with a "difficult" householder in residence!) is like having a second job.

My ways of coping include:

• Simplify where possible. Every task I do I look at with fresh eyes to see if it can be done easier, or a better way, next time.
• Slowly migrate to having all bills etc managed online. I am also substituting my mobile phone number for Mum's landline as a contact as phone calls from "strangers" (even reminders about medical appointments etc) now confuse her. I have also started changing her address (to mine) for the few items (other than family mail or magazines) that still come in the mail.
• Scan all important documents - backed up to a cloud service so accessible from anywhere
• I've added info such as medication, medical history etc to Mum's contact details in my Gmail address book, so again, details are instantly accessible on my phone and anywhere else when needed.
• I use a use a website and app (on phone and tablet) called Workflowy to manage all lists (except contacts) and short notes of anything that is not recorded elsewhere.

And for managing the stress, I find that dog walking and a glass of wine in the evening (not at the same time) work wonders

M

Having a "difficult" householder in residence as well as managing their lives must be really hard... I don't know how you manage... Well done you !

My mother is not living with me, I thought about it, but EVERYONE - family, friends and professionals - said "Don't do it, you won't have a life at all..."

I hesitated to post about this (stress and paperwork), I thought I was making a fuss about nothing much, compared to people caring for someone at home. My mother is in a NH, how can I have so much to do, all the time ??? But the responses show that many of us are under strain from managing someone else's life, often at a distance... and often with insufficient information... since we were not involved in our parents' lives, or how they ran things.

Mango - thanks for your tips, I am gradually streamlining everything so that it becomes easier over time... and I'm gradually accepting that, yes, I do now have a second job, and that I am not available for certain things any more.

I had thought, selfishly I suppose, that early retirement meant more time for me, for my family, time to do - finally - what I want... (travel...) but I now realise that that is not exactly how it works - for many, many of my generation who have an elderly parent needing care.

I do not wish to be a burden on my daughters like this. When I've sorted my mother's stuff, I'm going to sort mine - to make it easier for my daughters, when the time comes...