But oh those lonely nights .........

Scarlett123

Registered User
Apr 30, 2013
3,802
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Essex
Thank you all so much for your kind words and hugs. I had my CAB work this morning, and that was good, and then I had lunch with a friend. The heavens opened, so at least I don't need to water the garden tonight, and I'm going to take the dog for a walk.

I used to be an avid reader, but I just can't get into books now. If so many bits of me didn't ache, I would do what you do LYN, and walk, and hopefully tire myself, so that sleep would come more easily. I suppose reading through everyone's posts, it's plain that there's no easy solution, and you just have to work your way through as best as you can.

But it is so good to be able to share ones feelings with others who know what you are going through. Thank you all again for your kind words. xxx
 

LYN T

Registered User
Aug 30, 2012
6,958
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Brixham Devon
I used to be an avid reader, but I just can't get into books now.

Scarlett, I found my concentration hasn't been as good as it used to be so I'm getting into reading gradually. I'm reading Susan Hill at the moment -she writes terrific short stories. My next effort will be to read short novels-I think the stress and the grief affects us in so many ways.

Love

Lyn T XX
 

jan.s

Registered User
Sep 20, 2011
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Scarlett, I found my concentration hasn't been as good as it used to be so I'm getting into reading gradually. I'm reading Susan Hill at the moment -she writes terrific short stories. My next effort will be to read short novels-I think the stress and the grief affects us in so many ways.

Love

Lyn T XX

I lost the ability to concentrate on anything for some time, but am slowly building up again. I find watching TV in the evening mind numbing these days, because I can't concentrate, so I do a jigsaw, tinkle on the keyboard (not very well) or go on to TP!

Scarlett, you sound to me like you are doing well with keeping busy during the day, but then you need time to grieve, to think and put things in their right place. A friend always tells me to keep busy, but I need time to think, reflect and accept that Roger has gone. We have to do what works for us.

Sending an extra hug. J x
 

Saffie

Registered User
Mar 26, 2011
22,513
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Near Southampton
I rarely read a book these days but do listen to audiobooks when I go to sleep. I do jigsaws too and always have one on the go on my dining room table which I do on and off.
I don't seem able to settle for anything for very long and my default activity is the computer! I don't usually watch any TV during the day but might watch Escape to the Country if I remember and am not doing anything else. It's something I started to do when visiting Dave in the nursing home.
The evening programmes are pretty dire and it seems to be mainly a case of picking the odd reality which might appeal - which in my case, is Supervet!
 

Spamar

Registered User
Oct 5, 2013
7,723
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Suffolk
I could swop you some jigsaws! Now do even more cos they're on the iPad. Neighbours also have got me hooked on Picture Cross. Even TP goes by the board! Complete time wasters,,but stops my mind from ranging over various thoughts!
 

Effy

Registered User
Jul 26, 2015
11
0
Northern Ireland
Scarlett, I'm so sorry for your loss. My beloved dad died recently and I am watching my poor mum trying to keep going without her husband of over 50 years. I'm heartbroken for all of us- my mum, you, all the other people on here and for myself.

Do you have family members who could come and stay with you on the evenings? Me and my brothers are taking it on turns to spend two or three nights a week with mum.

Mum also has a much loved little dog, and having him in the house gives her some routine as he has to be walked, fed, played with and stopped from chewing anything he can get his teeth around. I know getting a pet may be a pathetic suggestion, but it's something and I have definitely seen how important the terrier, despite his scamp behaviour, has become to my mum.

I wish we weren't all struggling with grief. Do try to take care of yourself, Scarlett.

Effy x


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
 

Scarlett123

Registered User
Apr 30, 2013
3,802
0
Essex
Your Mum is fortunate, Effy, to have company during the evenings. My son and his family have recently returned to America, after spending a lovely holiday with me, and though my daughter lives less than 10 minutes drive away, she has mental health problems, and I can't expect what she's not prepared to give.

I have a dog, Billy, and he is such a faithful pal, and I do have long, meaningful conversations with him in the evenings, when I can't stand the silence - even though he is fast asleep in his bed!

I'm not trying to sound like a martyr, but it is what it is. I've just read all the posts through on this thread, and it must have been cathartic for me, because last night I slept from 1 am till 7, right through. :D

Very unusual, because since about 20 years ago, I needed at least one loo visit during the night. I have a CD of the tracks played at the funeral, and I've played that every night since, very softly, and I do find it gives me a feeling of being closer to John.
 

Effy

Registered User
Jul 26, 2015
11
0
Northern Ireland
Oh Scarlett, I wish you weren't feeling so alone, but I'm really glad you got a good nights sleep the other night.
I agree with you about the cathartic nature of this forum and it does help to know, via all the posts, that you are not alone.
Take care of yourself xx


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
 

Scarlett123

Registered User
Apr 30, 2013
3,802
0
Essex
I had my first singing rehearsal today, and I absolutely loved it. It was for 2 and a half hours, with just a 15 minute break. We were give printed sheets of the lyrics, and the songs were all well known, and jolly. :) The time just flew by.

About 20 ladies, and half a dozen men, and everybody qualified for a bus pass - as do I. ;) Several ladies introduced themselves, and other people, to me, and I'm really glad I've joined. Sunday afternoon and evening doesn't seem so bad now that I've been occupied this morning. :) xxx
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
74,001
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72
Dundee
That's excellent Scarlett. That sounds very like the choir we go to. It's for people with dementia and their carers. It's such good fun having a good old sing!
 

stanleypj

Registered User
Dec 8, 2011
10,712
0
North West
Scarlett, it was good to hear that the thread has helped you a bit. I wouldn't mind betting that it has helped, and will help, others.

I completely agree about the singing. Before Sue's loss of mobility we used to go to two singing sessions a week. I never expected to enjoy them so much, not sure why, as I have sung in different ways all my life. Sue got less out of it as time went by but she was happy to go and smile at all the people who spoke to her. We made some real friends, some of whom have been in touch. I have a goal of taking Sue back there, one way or another, and our lovely main carer has picked up on this and is equally determined.

I hope the sessions continue to give you pleasure Scarlett.
 

Scarlett123

Registered User
Apr 30, 2013
3,802
0
Essex
I am so vain. When I finished my stint today at CAB, the lady I helped with three forms, totalling 64 pages, was so grateful, she was crying and telling me I was an angel. It made me feel so good, and that's what I need.

I miss John telling me I looked nice, or he enjoyed his dinner, and this voluntary work helps me so much. But I am vain, because when people thank me, and they thank me so profusely, I feel a fraud, because I really like helping them!

I had to make 2 phone calls for this lady, ATOS, and the DWP. I always say the same thing "Good morning, I'm a volunteer for the Citizen's Advice Bureau and I'm helping Mrs X, who is with me. I'm going to pass the phone to her so that she can answer your security questions and give permission for me talk on her behalf". I've made so many calls for John over the years of his illness, that I can sound as if I know what I'm talking about, and this impresses people so much.

But I enjoy doing it. So I suppose, to use modern parlance, it's a win-win situation. :)
 

Lindy50

Registered User
Dec 11, 2013
5,242
0
Cotswolds
That doesn't sound like vanity to me, Scarlett, more like a deserved feeling of satisfaction at a job well done :)

So...well done :D xx
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,445
0
Kent
Well done Scarlett.

It`s so good to find something to keep you busy and help you feel good about yourself.
 

NanLorac

Registered User
May 14, 2012
686
0
Scotland
I am glad you are enjoying your CAB work Scarlett. Its wonderful work you are doing and you took a huge weight off that ladies shoulders filling in those forms. Its money matters that we have here and I was so grateful for the help with Atos and DWP forms.

It took a year for me to persuade hubby to go to a memory choir. He loves and and we have made friends with some lovely people. 20 of us are going away for a 5 day break together next month.:)

Take care and enjoy your singing Scarlett. x
 

Scarlett123

Registered User
Apr 30, 2013
3,802
0
Essex
I went to Southend yesterday with a friend, and we had a super day. :) A £5 return special "oldies" ticket, a 2-for-1 lunch, a nostalgic trip on the little train that runs the length of the pier.

Then a leisurely walk to Westcliffe, stopping on the way to have a paddle, another bargain, 2-for-1 Afternoon Tea, and then home. Of course, I wanted to relate the day to John. :(

I've booked a heavily reduced "last minute" seat for Lord of the Dance today, a third of the price, and my friend managed to get the adjacent seat, restricted viewing, but we'll be able to see enough to have a great time.

And again, no John to relate this to, and that's hard. But then another friend telephoned and asked if she could bring cakes tomorrow afternoon and visit, so that's great. I feel I have to keep myself as occupied as possible. This loneliness comes in waves, and it's so suffocating when it does.

BUT, and this is a big but for me, I've now managed a week in the bed, after 2 years on the settee, and though I'm not sleeping fantastically, I'm getting some sleep.
 

LYN T

Registered User
Aug 30, 2012
6,958
0
Brixham Devon
Your day out sounds wonderful Scarlett. Yes, keeping busy sounds the right way to go. I know that the grief comes in waves but I always tell myself that Pete wasn't a person to sit around and he always got a lot of satisfaction from starting/finishing jobs in a day-so that's what I aim for (apart from when I'm on TP-but that's still 'doing')

Well done for sleeping in a bed:) I don't know what's happened to my sleeping lately as I was doing well! I'm back on the sofa-but at least it's a big corner one-not a two seater!

Love to you XXXX

Lyn T XXXXX
 

Saffie

Registered User
Mar 26, 2011
22,513
0
Near Southampton
We lived in Westcliffe when we were first married Scarlett. So your mention of it brings back memories. It sounded as if you had a good day.

You are very much getting on with things and I do admire that. It's not aways easy I'm sure and there are probably days when you'd rather not go - though perhaps that's putting my feelings on to you!
Yes, it's the sharing of things that are happening that brings me up short too.
Last night there was an account of the trouble in Aden (Yemen) on the news and I immediately thought to share this - but with whom? We lived there for over 2 years in our early marriage and nobody else could understand the sadness I felt as I saw the streets where we used to shop in ruins.

I'm glad you're managing to at least get to your bed now, sleep is of course another matter. I hope that comes more easily with all the activity you are undertaking.
You're doing so well. x
 

Lottie40

Registered User
Nov 5, 2013
28
0
Thinking of you Scarlett and others in similar places x .My Dad is totally lost without my Mum .When the Alzheimers took Mum Jan last year ,Dad was very numb and shocked to start with .Dad is 84 and Mum was 67 they were married for 47 years .They were very much a couple who were always together,they didn't really have separate interests ,they went everywhere together .Its heartbreaking to know Dad is in so much pain as my brother and I are too .Dad and I sit down together and tells me about places he used to take Mum etc Ive started writing it down for him and making a scrapbook .I say to Dad,let's just get through each day as best we can .He has a blanket I bought for him with photos of Mum on which he has on the bed and Mums dressing gown hanging on the door which I know helps him .
I know there are no magic answers to ease pain but just to say I'm thinking of you .

Lottie x
 

Scarlett123

Registered User
Apr 30, 2013
3,802
0
Essex
Thank you so much for all your lovely posts and comments. I suppose I feel I have to try and fill the day, much as I often don't want to. A pile of documents came from the House Insurance Company today - it's due for renewal next month.

Now I've always done this, so this year wasn't new, but I just started thinking. If I'd have gone first, there would no way that John, pre or post AD, would have coped. And I think he would be both pleased and proud with what I've achieved.
 

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