I'm dreading Friday

[dumpygirl]

Thank you all for your helpful comments and suggestions. I shall take them all on board and it really does help to know that other people are experiencing exactly the same thing as I am.
Pleased to tell you that this morning my eldest daughter Sally visited her dad at about 11 oclock. She said that he actually said "Oh Hello Sal" as she approached him. That really pleased her as he had not been able to fit names to faces previously. He asked her if she would like to see the garden and they went out there and Grahame saw some kidney beans growing. He said "They are doing well, should be ready by April" and of course Sally agreed with him!!!!
Tomorrow I am going to pick him up at 5.20 and take him to Church. They have agreed to give him an early tea and let him put his smart blazer on. I will report back as to how this went. The church people are used to Grahame so I feel quite confident that they will be very supportive to both of us.
I telephoned the care home about an hour ago just to make sure that this was all o.k. and the manageress said that they thought Grahame was a real gentleman BUT not to worry me but he does have an eye for the ladies. Some things don't change!!!
Nice to see some of the old spirit is still there.
Once again THANK YOU ALL for taking the time to read my posts and send such encouraging and helpful replies. I appreciate it so much and it keeps me going.

 

[dumpygirl]

first outing to church

This afternoon at 5.15 I went to pick Grahame up from the care home to take him to church and this is the first time he has left the care home since being admitted on31st July. Apparently he had been given an early tea and had been sitting in the lounge near the door since 4.45 p.m. When I opened the door he looked surprised to see me and had completely forgotten why he was all dressed up and sitting there. I reminded him that we were going to church and he looked pleased. I got him in the car and drove the 20 minute drive to our church where we were to meet youngest daughter (taken along for moral support!!!) Although he had been to the toilet just before we left care home he immediately wanted to go again so we sorted that out in the church hall adjoining. Youngest daughter then turned up and we went into church and he was smiling at everyone he saw. They all looked surprised to see him and in fact one lady asked if he had come back home and I had to explain that it was just an outing and that he was going back after the service. That was the easy bit. We then drove back to the care home and as we pulled up he said "why are we at this place, I thought we were going back home!. We rung the bell and one of the carers opened the door and said hello to him. He very reluctantly went inside and followed us to the quiet lounge which was absolutely empty and then the tea trolley arrived and we had a drink. He kept on asking me if I had finished my drink as he wanted to get out of this place and go home. Nightmare. In the end I got up and went and spoke to the two carers and asked if they could help us to leave. They both followed me back to the quiet lounge and bent down either side of Grahame and while they were engaging him in conversation Cathy and I made a hasty retreat.
I was told that last night he refused to go to bed and spent the night in an easy chair. I have to say that he used to try to stay in his chair when he was at home but I just pressed the tilt button until he was upright and eventually he reluctantly walked away and I got him up the stairs so I can understand how this was happening.f I shall have to tell the carers to be more firm with him as he can be very stubborn.
Having said all of this I know he really enjoyed the church service and it was worth the effort just to see him enjoying singing the hymns and meeting people he knew.
I will do it again but certainly not every week as I found the taking back to the home very difficult. Am now back home and the next hurdle will be the visit of the benefits officer on Wednesday.

 

[LadyA]

DG - would it be possible for someone else to take him to church, or to take him back to the nursing home? That way, it wouldn't be you leaving him there, and going home without him. So he mightn't make the connection. I realise once again how fortunate I was in William's nursing home - they had a beautiful chapel right in the nursing home! Stained Glass windows and all!

 

[2jays]

Difficult time for you...

In my huge, guilt ridden experience

I did a lot of things with mum, that I though we, mum and I, would appreciate doing together

Yes mum enjoyed the days out of the care home we had....

But I now know, if mum and I had gone to a different part of the care home, up the lift to a different floor in the care home, she would have found that as enjoyable, if not more enjoyable, than actually leaving the care home and going to a garden centre or church, or similar....

It's a juggling act between what WE think they would like to do, and what THEY find enjoyable.

I'm so sad for you that it's only "days" since you are having to deal with this conundrum.

I had the pleasure of taking mum out for, at the least, 7 months before it got difficult to do so.

So the moral of all this, in my opinion, is that you have done it, it didn't work out this time, maybe try one more time, but only if you want to..... Then accept what's suitable for him, isn't necessarily suitable for how you think it should be...

Harsh words, maybe

The harshest lesson to learn is

What you think is a treat

Isn't, necessarily the treat you thought it would be




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[dumpygirl]

good days and bad days

Yesterday afternoon I visited Grahame at the Care Home. With hindsight I should have chosen a different time because right from the moment he saw me he was trying to get out of "this place" and "go home" He kept asking me if I had a car outside and I white lied and said that I had used the bus and walked. Then he said we could use his car which has been sold for over three years. He was pacing up and down the corrider and shouting "Is anybody there" and then coming back and saying that everybody was against him and no one listened to him. It was very distressing BUT then I remembered that that was exactly how he had been at home each evening so may be he has not been like that all the time; The manageress told me that 2 nights ago he refused to go to bed and insisted on sleeping in a chair in the lounge.Thy kept checking on him and he did go to sleep but just flatly refused to go into his bed. Then they said that the next morning he was blaming the carers for leaving him there and not helping him to get into bed etc. When he was at home sometimes he refused to get out of his chair but having the tilt and recline chair I just used to get him to the standing position and eventually he would walk away and up the stairs.

Yesterday I had a visit from the financial department about paying for the care home. They are pretty sure I will qualify for some pension credit but yet another person has to come and deal with this so fingers crossed that will be the case.
Having said all this my eldest daughter visited Grahame on Saturday at 11 oclock and she said he was very happy and greeted her by name and was fine when she left and just stood at the window to wave her off. Seems to me that there will be good days and bad days and good times and bad times so will just have to work around it.
I think I will take him to church again on Sunday as he really did enjoy it last week. It was worth it even though it was difficult to get him to go back into the Care Home. Once again I will enlist the help of the Carers to distract him. They are good at that after many years of experience.

 

[esmeralda]

Such a difficult time for you at the moment dumpygirl, I do hope this is all part of the settling in process, but as you say Grahame had a lot of these behaviours when he was at home. I'm not in this position yet but I imagine it's easy to forget how difficult it was before he went into the CH and just to remember the better times. That even happens to me and my OH is still at home. He has good times and bad and during the good ones I think I must have been making too much of the difficulties - until he has a downturn again. I'm glad you have your dau to help and the staff at the CH seem switched on and helpful. Hope you have a good night. Love, Es
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[2jays]

I used to avoid afternoons when visiting mum as that was when I found she was the most agitated.

I usually got there at around 10.30-11.00 am and stayed until lunch time at 1pm. Meal times were useful for me to make my "escape"

mum isn't usually awake until 12 ish now, so I have started visiting in the afternoons, where she seems to be much more perkier.

It's just a case of trial and error, getting the timings right I've found.

Thinking of church.. And getting him "home" again, can someone come with you back to the care home to help you? It would be such a shame to have to stop taking him, if it gets a big issue getting him back. But as I mentioned to you before, it got impossible to take mum out even though she did enjoy the days out.

steep learning curve isn't it xxxxxx


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[Grannie G]

I always visited Dhiren in the mornings. He was more awake, alert and happy to see me. It was easier for me to leave when lunch arrived, it acted as a distraction.

If I went in the afternoon he was sleepy and more confused.

 

[LadyA]

For the first few months, I too timed visits to end when William went to the dining room for lunch. The distraction made leaving a lot easier. Later, I went in the afternoons, just after lunch, and he would take me down to his room, we would turn on the tv, and he liked to have a lie down. He would usually sleep the whole time I was there, but hold my hand all the time.

 

[dumpygirl]

steep learning curve

Thank you all for all your help and advice with regards to visiting times.
I have decided that in future I will visit at about 11- 11.30 and leave at 12.30 when lunch is served. We will see how that works out.
My eldest son David visited Grahame today for the first time. He did not know that it was his son although he recognized the familiar face. David talked to him about when he was much younger and of course he could remember that. However after half an hour he just said "you can go now as I am tired and want to sleep" so David left and then came and spent the day with me sorting out lots and lots of correspondence which Grahame had been saving since the sixties. It felt like a cleansing just to get up to date with the correspondence and he was quite strict with me not encouraging me to keep stuff which would not be needed etc.
I am planning to take Grahame to church again on Sunday and will take your advice and enlist the help of the carers when I return him to the Care Home.
Once again thank you everyone who has responded to my posting. it really helps.

 

[2jays]

Not heard from you for a while. Hoping it's because you are ok xxxx


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