William has gone
- Thread starter LadyA
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That poem is so beautiful Lady A, and thank you for sharing it.
Go with the flow, and, as Lyn says, try to have a night time routine. I admit, I often go to bed early these days, and read in bed, my form of escapism.
I totally understand about hiding under the duvet. I still have days like that, but I just go with the flow. There are times to push yourself into doing things and other times to just do what you want; just accept what is right for you at that time.
Thinking of you. J x
Go with the flow, and, as Lyn says, try to have a night time routine. I admit, I often go to bed early these days, and read in bed, my form of escapism.
I totally understand about hiding under the duvet. I still have days like that, but I just go with the flow. There are times to push yourself into doing things and other times to just do what you want; just accept what is right for you at that time.
Thinking of you. J x
Lyn, I'm taking my herbal concoctions and now that the house is empty of visitors, I slept like a log last night. Woke early, but not too early. Did laundry, talked to pensions section in dept of social welfare and sorted things out so I know what to put in some parts of the form, and went to the bank to get William's name taken off the joint account, and to the printers to check the sample memory card and arrange final printing. They are giving me 25% discount because it's for William! How lovely is that?
A beautiful poem LadyA, and my eyes filled with tears too. Oh how I wish I lived round the corner, and could fill in your form in for you! That's what I do at the CAB. I know there's so much to do, and you have so little energy, or enthusiasm, for anything.
I'm a great one for making lists, and I get a ridiculous amount of pleasure after I have crossed something out. Even if you only aim to do one thing a day, or even a week, it's one thing less to be done.
Although I am sure many couples, who have good health, are bereft after their loved one dies, I believe that when the surviving partner has been a carer for many years, as we all have, there's an extra large helping of grief to cope with. My love, support and thoughts are with you. Take care. xxx
That beautiful poem was read during the recent funeral of a friend and Ithough them how appropriate it is. Haven't heard of memory cards but what a lovely idea and, as you say, how good to hear how highly WillIam was thought of. You must be very proud. Hope you can find some peace now. xxxx
Dear LadyA, I've been away from TP for a while, so I've just seen your sad news. Please let me add my condolences to everyone else's. I am sure that in spite of Williams long illness, the final goodbye is very hard. Wishing you strength for the days and weeks ahead.
Best wishes
Ash
Best wishes
Ash
How are things LadyA? We're all thinking of you, and our other friends on TP, who have recently lost their lads and lasses. xxx
I'm ok. Absolutely exhausted - my best friend, who lost a son some years ago, and is a grief counsellor, kept telling me in recent months that I needed to get as much rest as I could, because grief is exhausting. I didn't understand what she meant - but I do now! I'm exhusted, all the time! So very, very tired! Yet keep waking up at night.
Meeting people in the shops we always went to - the shop assistants etc. - who, even after William went to the nursing home, always asked after him- I was dreading going in this week, because I knew what would happen, and it did. But it had to be done sooner or later, and I felt, better get it over. So, there I was yesterday, at the checkout in two different shops, with a queue behind me, and sure enough, the checkout operator says "How's himself?" and I had to explain that "himself" had just died ten days ago, and been buried last Saturday. Cue very shocked and awkward silence for a moment, until I just filled it by saying that he was very ready to go, and he was so ill that it would be cruelty to wish him still here. So, a quick expression of sympathy, and I slid out to let them on to the next person. Hoping the word will spread to the rest of the staff in each shop!
Dau is "fine" - but a little brittle and impatient. I think it's perhaps a bit easier for her to push it to the back of her mind, because she was not in the habit of visiting the nursing home, and she does not have all the official stuff to deal with. However, even the official stuff, I am getting through, bit by bit. Application for widow's pension is gone off. Memory cards and acknowledgment cards are ready at the printers and I will collect them on Monday.
Lizzy cat has had to go to the vet, but seems to be fine again now, thankfully. She had gone off her feed and developed hideous diarrhoea! I suspect she got into some leftovers or something. Antibiotic & painkiller injection, and she seems fine, and is eating everything in sight again.
I wish I had known how close to dying William was. It had been so much our routine to be in his room, him lying down and me in the chair beside his bed, watching tv together. It seems so ridiculous that we spent his last couple of days together doing that! I suppose as he was sleeping most of the time, it would have been stupid for me to just sit there alone in silence. But still. Part of me feels I should have been doing something memorable for him or with him. But ....he was sleeping. Or, I suppose, just slipping nearer and nearer to the biggest sleep of all.
And of course, there is this thing of now being a widow. What is it about that? Something deep inside me screams against accepting that.
So, how are things Scarlett? Things are, as one doctor on our dementia journey put it one time "progressing as expected".
Meeting people in the shops we always went to - the shop assistants etc. - who, even after William went to the nursing home, always asked after him- I was dreading going in this week, because I knew what would happen, and it did. But it had to be done sooner or later, and I felt, better get it over. So, there I was yesterday, at the checkout in two different shops, with a queue behind me, and sure enough, the checkout operator says "How's himself?" and I had to explain that "himself" had just died ten days ago, and been buried last Saturday. Cue very shocked and awkward silence for a moment, until I just filled it by saying that he was very ready to go, and he was so ill that it would be cruelty to wish him still here. So, a quick expression of sympathy, and I slid out to let them on to the next person. Hoping the word will spread to the rest of the staff in each shop!
Dau is "fine" - but a little brittle and impatient. I think it's perhaps a bit easier for her to push it to the back of her mind, because she was not in the habit of visiting the nursing home, and she does not have all the official stuff to deal with. However, even the official stuff, I am getting through, bit by bit. Application for widow's pension is gone off. Memory cards and acknowledgment cards are ready at the printers and I will collect them on Monday.
Lizzy cat has had to go to the vet, but seems to be fine again now, thankfully. She had gone off her feed and developed hideous diarrhoea! I suspect she got into some leftovers or something. Antibiotic & painkiller injection, and she seems fine, and is eating everything in sight again.
I wish I had known how close to dying William was. It had been so much our routine to be in his room, him lying down and me in the chair beside his bed, watching tv together. It seems so ridiculous that we spent his last couple of days together doing that! I suppose as he was sleeping most of the time, it would have been stupid for me to just sit there alone in silence. But still. Part of me feels I should have been doing something memorable for him or with him. But ....he was sleeping. Or, I suppose, just slipping nearer and nearer to the biggest sleep of all.
And of course, there is this thing of now being a widow. What is it about that? Something deep inside me screams against accepting that.
So, how are things Scarlett? Things are, as one doctor on our dementia journey put it one time "progressing as expected".
It's not called 'grief work' for nothing LadyA. I hope you can settle into a better sleeping pattern soon.
I think it's natural to feel we should have done something 'profound' at such a time but in reality life is quite banal. However I do believe that even though we're doing such everyday things the connection at a deeper level is what it needs to be.
Glad Lizzie cat is well again. Hope things settle down and you get the chance to rest.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I think it's natural to feel we should have done something 'profound' at such a time but in reality life is quite banal. However I do believe that even though we're doing such everyday things the connection at a deeper level is what it needs to be.
Glad Lizzie cat is well again. Hope things settle down and you get the chance to rest.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Lady A, you did everything you could have done for William, and he knew your love, which is the greatest act of all. You sat with him, and he knew your presence. There is no more you could have done for him.
Your exhaustion will improve with time, but grief is exhausting. I find it stressful because I cannot change the circumstances. Hugs x
PS Glad Lizzy is getting better x
Oh LadyA! How many of us must wish we could have spent those last days doing something memorable with our loved ones. But the very nature of this hateful illness is that nothing could be memorable - as they had no memory.
Eight months on, I am still meeting people who ask about John, and having to explain, though I have now shortened my reply to 2 words - "he died". People usually say "oh I'm so sorry" and I just thank them, and don't elaborate, because nothing changes the outcome.
And I know just what you mean about now being a widow.
Eight months on, I am still meeting people who ask about John, and having to explain, though I have now shortened my reply to 2 words - "he died". People usually say "oh I'm so sorry" and I just thank them, and don't elaborate, because nothing changes the outcome.
And I know just what you mean about now being a widow.
Can only send you strength too. Wish I could comfort you in some way but know I can't. As others have said, your presence will have given William the greatest gift he could have wished for and gave him the peace he needed. Silly thing to say but I hope all the bureaucratic bits go smoothly and you get no hassle there. I'm sure your dau is grieving inside now all her organising is over and she has time to think. Glad Lizzy is better too. Thinking of you. xxx
It would be trite to say I can imagine what you're going through I can't, that is the reserve of those whose loved ones have reached the end of their journey, but you, Scarlett, Wife, GrannieG and so many more are an inspiration to the rest of us still on this road. Thank you for sharing. Huge hugs xxx
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Not at all a silly thing to say Truth. Our house insurance renewal had come the day after William died. I usually try and get a better deal, either with someone else or try and beat the existing company down on price. This year I didn't have the energy, so left it there for several days, and phoned a couple of days ago to pay the premium of 309 euro. I gave the guy my card details, and explained to him that as my husband had died last week, we needed to remove him from the policy. He said he would do that, and that was fine. I got the receipt in the post with the Insurance Schedule - and the receipt as for more than the renewal quote! Not a lot more, only 10 euro, but no explanation as given. So I phoned them. The girl I got on the phone couldn't understand it - she said on the system, it looked like my renewal was closed down, and a new quote issued at the higher price - but she couldn't understand why! I said "Would it be because I told the rep I spoke to that my husband had died last week, and we took him off the policy? My husband as elderly, so there would have been a tiny age discount. But the rep didn't mention at all that the premium would be different." There was a shocked silence, and she said she doesn't know - but if that happened, she could only appologise, because it shouldn't have happened. She went and spoke to a supervisor, and discovered that that as exactly what had happened. Profuse apologies ensued, assurances that it should never have happened at all, certainly not without explanation, and they will refund the 10euro immediately. It's only 10euro -but as she said, it's the principle of the thing! But it's quite possible the guy didn't even notice - computer systems do their thing!
Well good for her but can't help but think it should never have happened as, in the circumstances, you might have missed it.
LadyA; you're having to take this all on, on your own? Filling forms; sorting insurance and all of that?
Have you considered ringing someone like Age UK for help with any forms? It's not shameful to ask for help at such a critical time, my dear. Do look after yourself and much love to you.
Have you considered ringing someone like Age UK for help with any forms? It's not shameful to ask for help at such a critical time, my dear. Do look after yourself and much love to you.
Oh ladyA things like that course so much heartache and stress at a time when you really don't need it! My friend had to go through the same with all the different authorities and got very upset most of the time . It's such an upheaval on top of everything else. Hope you got some help in dealing with all these things? Thinking of you xxxxxx
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That resounds with me Lady A. That's just what Dave and I used to do except that Dave was usually in his electronic chair. I used to do the routine check on his clothes, toiletries etc. and just sit and watch TV or a DVD. Dave would usually sit with his eyes closed, sometimes not even opening them when I gave him his afternoon beaker of tea. Dave wasn't anywhere near death as far as I was aware and the staff were all shocked when it happened so suddenly. He was one of the youngest in the nursing home. How I wish I had known that when I bade him the usual quick farewell the day before going to Launde Abbey that I would never see him alive again. Others say it isn't important but it is to me so I can understand your feelings.
Likewise. It still sits badly with me. Somehow it is a label I don't want to wear.
I'm sure the forms will be ok if just worked through gradually. I found the formality of it all sort of helped to take my mind off the reality of the loss. Just as long as I just did them automatically and didn't think through the significance of what it all meant.
You'll have no problem I'm sure being light years younger than I am!
(Chuggalug, have you seen a photo of Lady A? Age concerned she's not!
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