I'm dreading Friday

[dumpygirl]

grandsons go to visit their grandad today

That's lovely news

This afternoon my daughter Cathy took her two boys to visit Grandad in his new care home. Can't hardly believe it but she said he was still very settled and relaxed and although he thought she was his sister the visit went well. She wants to take him out one day for a beer and a snack and asked me what I thought. The carers were all for it, in fact they said that yesterday (Sunday) he was asking how he could get to church so does anyone have any advice about this. She felt that he would stagnate if just left in the care home as it is get up, breakfast, sleep in the lounge in the chair, wake up for lunch, sleep in the lounge until tea and then watch tv until bed time. I feel that we ought to try this and if it is difficult then we will know for next time.
It would be interesting to hear what other TPers did in this situation and how it worked out. Thank you all for reading my posts and for all your love and support.

 

[LYN T]

After Pete went to a CH I used to visit everyday and take him to the beach for an icecream or to a cafe for tea and cakes. He seemed to enjoy these excursions (I always took a wheelchair for emergencies). Then he reverted to being afraid of the world and wouldn't/couldn't go out. I would advise that as long as Grahame is able to enjoy a trip out just go for it. Make sure there is a mobile phone available in case of emergencies and enjoy.

Take care

Lyn T XX

 

[Soobee]

I am so pleased for you that he has settled in well.

 

[Chuggalug]

At our CH, there are those who do take their loved ones out. If you can, go for it, and all the best to you, Dumpygirl.

 

[truth24]

I used to take Fred out but he doesn't want to go now.

 

[2jays]

I used to be able to take mum out, mainly to garden centres for lunch. I guess that lasted about 6 months or so, then it became a problem to get her to go back to the care home.

My thoughts - if you want to take him out, or your family members want to, then do it. And Agee, take a mobile phone with you so you can get support if you need it ..... Be prepared for the time when it may be difficult to do so. With mum it happened so suddenly, I was totally unprepared, and the 10 minute car ride took much longer as she kept trying to jump out of the car any time I slowed down.

xx



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[Saffie]

After Pete went to a CH I used to visit everyday and take him to the beach for an icecream or to a cafe for tea and cakes. He seemed to enjoy these excursions (I always took a wheelchair for emergencies).

Lyn, I remember you writing of this and I was so very envious. I would have loved to be able to take Dave out, even if a beach wasn't involved but it wasn't logistically possible. Apart from occasional brief sojourns in the NH garden, he never went outside during the 3 years he was in the home unless you count ambulance trips to outpatients and the dentist. He did enjoy those trips too.

DG, I would take Grahame out as much as possible while you can, especially at this time of year. Do they have activities in the home? They do make a difference and Dave used to enjoy the musicians who came. They had various church services held in the home during the week too and he liked those as he could sing hymns.
Of course, Dave was in a Nursing home so the residents were less active than in a Care home and only a few ever went outside the home. x

 

[Mossyanne1]

Hello Dumpiegirl, I have just been through your experience. My hubbie went into permanent care last Tuesday it was one of the worse days of my life. I didn't know the staff, there were many patients sitting round doing nothing or asleep I just wanted to take him home. Like your hubbie mine has a strong welsh heritage so did a similar thing to you. Photos etc to make him feel comfortable. I have cried buckets since then but I saw him on Sunday and he was really happy which was lovely but the guilt is still there, I am feeling a little stronger today emotionally. So please give yourself time, it's a day to day journey, so little steps. I am thinking of you. BIG HUGS...xxx


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[dumpygirl]

thank you everyone for all your good advice. I certainly will try and take Grahame out especially as the weather is so nice at the moment.
I think I will try Church next Sunday. The home are very cooperative and said that they will give him an early tea that day. Oh I forgot to mention that I gave the carers a full bottle of whisky and asked them to give it to him now and then. They must have given him large tumblers because after only 9 days the bottle was almost empty. I used to give it to him when he became agitated and it seemed to calm him down. I am going to take a couple of whisky glasses and a small jug and ask them to just give him half a glass and a jug of water. Hope that will make it last a little longer.I put a smart outfit in his wardrobe with a label on that it was for any occasion when he needed to be smart so no problem there. He always liked to be smart for church and it will give him a feeling of normality I hope. Will let you know how this goes. I think I mentioned that they have a talk with slides on Friday at 2.30 and everyone is invited. I shall go to this to keep him company and take some whisky with me.

 

[canary]

Mum still goes regularly to her church. The CH gets her ready and the congregation is very understanding - everyone keeps an eye on her. She is still very comfortable being there, though I should imagine that eventually she wont be able to do this.
See how you get on.

 

[Scarlett123]

If your hubby wants to go out, and you think it's do-able, then that's great. I took John out very rarely, once he was in the Care Home, but only because it was unsettling for him, and a nightmare for me, as he wandered so much and was aggressive.

But nobody knows the person you're caring for, better than you, and you're in the best position to judge what seems right.

 

[dumpygirl]

i knew it was too good to last - feeling tearful

this afternoon I went to the Care Home for the talk on Japan at 2.30. Several of the residents were sitting in the dining room and the speaker and his projector were all set up. Grahame smiled when he saw me and one of the carers got a chair to be next to him. I noticed that he had got his shoes on and not his slippers. Almost immediately he was saying he was so glad I had come to "take him home". This continued all throughout the talk and continued for the next hour and a half. Previously I have not had this and knew it was too good to last. In the end we went to his room and there was his coat on the bed. He said it was ready to "go home". I wondered how I was going to leave without a fuss. However one of the carers tapped on the door and asked if we were o.k. and I indicated that I needed to leave but there was a problem and she understood. She talked to Grahame and explained that I needed to go to the toilet BUT craftily he said "you can use my toilet". She said "Oh no Anne cannot use your toilet, she has to go to the Ladies. I thought that was very clever of her. So I picked up my coat and bag and went down the corridor. I felt very tearful and quite depressed as I was leaving as previously he seemed more content and settled. Reading several of your posts I know it takes quite a while sometimes for them to settle and may be he was having a bad day. Also reading other TPers posts I think I will have to time my visit better, i.e. go about an hour before a meal so that I can leave when the meal is being served etc. I am still on a learning curve. I did say that I would call for him next Sunday to take him to Church so I had better do this as I have promised but feel quite anxious about it now. My eldest daughter is going to visit Grahame in the morning so we will see how she gets on. I knew it was not going to be easy and next time I visit will probably be quite different. Watch this space.

 

[Grannie G]

I wouldn`t be surprised if the Speaker and his projector caused the confusion. The staff would have been moving furniture etc to get the room ready and there would have been a different ethos on the room.

Sometimes what is approved of as a stimulation acts in quite the reverse order.

 

[LadyA]

Grannie G is right. Moving things around can be quite disturbing for residents. In William's nursing home, during the Summer they had to get the day room and the main hall re-decorated. They had it re-done in exactly the same colours etc. as it had been - well done to them - but of course it took a couple of days during which time not only could the residents not use those areas, but there was scaffolding and ladders, and strange men with rollers, paint, dust sheets etc. The residents were in the upstairs "parlour" which is very large, but it was a bit crowded, and chaos ensued. Extra staff were in too to cope with the expected confusion from residents, and they were needed - but also, that made extra people, which added to the confusion! Lots and lots of shouting of "I want to go home!" ensued for the couple of days. But once things returned to normal, everyone settled down again.

I did ask the nursing manager, in the early weeks of William being in the Home, if he was really as settled as they were telling me, because when I went in, he was so tearful! She was astonished, and said she wished I could just observe him without him seeing me! Apparently, as soon as I as out of his sight, he was fine - went straight back to contentedly doing whatever he had been doing before I got there! So take heart. It sounds a horrible thing to say, but sometimes it's a blessing of dementia, this "out of sight, out of mind" thing! xx

 

[Chuggalug]

Dumpygirl; my hubby's only mode of 'conversation' is about the going home thing. He's been in the CH for about three months, now. Before that, he had a month in hospital. That will not change and I have to learn now to expect it every time I visit. Your hubby may, or may not continue in the same vein, so just arm yourself with lots of courage.

Wishing you strength and so sorry you've had to face this already.

 

[Saffie]

Just saying that I know how hard this is Anne.
I wish it could have continued for you as it was last week and I hope Grahame settles again very soon.
The carer seems to have been well -versed in what to say to help visitors make their escape and obviously meets the problem many times.
I do hope your daughter has a better experience today so that you will not be so worried about your next visit tomorrow. I hope it goes well. xxx

 

[Grannie G]

Whenever Dhiren wanted to go home, I put the onus on the doctor; `When the doctor thinks you are well enough and have rebuilt your strength.....etc`

 

[Chuggalug]

Whenever Dhiren wanted to go home, I put the onus on the doctor; `When the doctor thinks you are well enough and have rebuilt your strength.....etc`

I think I've tried that as well in the past, Grannie G. You've just finished telling him and the question begins again from the beginning. He has absolutely no memory now. Think I might try some sort of distraction thing next time I go. Get his mind off circling if it's at all possible.

 

[Scarlett123]

Whenever Dhiren wanted to go home, I put the onus on the doctor; `When the doctor thinks you are well enough and have rebuilt your strength.....etc`

.
That's what I did too. "Sweetheart, I know you like this hotel, but would prefer to come home, but what can I do? I have to wait for the doctor to tell me it's ok".

 

[Mossyanne1]

Malcolm has been in the care home now for 10days, he seems happy and fine but every time I see him it breaks my heart and I feel so guilty. Had the most awful day yesterday I was so tearful I thought the tears would never stop. So I am so grateful to read all your posts and to know I'm not the only one who is feeling so bad. Your posts are vital to me at the moment...xxx


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