Hi all
My grandfather is currently in a nursing home, he has vascular dementia. My grandmother was looking after him until he went into hospital after a fall at home 2 years ago and he has been in residential, and now nursing care, ever since. He was diagnosed after a CTI scan in Nov 2014 with dementia, however the symptoms started a few years before that.
My grandmother struggled with his care for many years. Every day she would phone my mother, and invariably the conversations would turn to my grandfather and how hard it was to look after him, sometimes she's be in tears. Any offers of help, especially from outside sources, were turned down. She didn't want him to go into a home and that was that.
That changed when he spent months in hospital after the fall at home. During this time he obviously became dependant on nursing care. My grandmother was in despair wondering how she would cope with him. At this point he was totally dependant on a zimmerframe to walk, was incontinent (this had started before the hospital stay, the main reason my grandmother felt she couldn't cope), slow speech, some memory loss and a need to be in bed all day and sleep (like the incontinence, this had started prior to the hospital visit). As a family, we discussed and explained to my grandmother that at her age of 82, with her medical problems aswell, it would be impossible for her to cope. This tug of war (or love) went on for a while until one of his Dr's basically spelled it out for her that he needed to be cared for 24/7 in a home.
In the last 2 years, he has worsened to the point where he has now very recently been moved to a nursing home. They look after him well, however we visited yesterday and he wasn't that great. One of the nurses explained that he was wandering (this is a habit that has increased in the last 9-12 months) all day, to the point now where he won't sit and eat and he's lost weight. He's agitated, understandably not the man we all knew and loved and it is heartbreaking to see.
My grandmother is very emotionally involved, of course it is her husband, but to the point where we as a family are worried about her and not so much my grandfather! She is having serious trouble in accepting his condition. She is always willing to discuss what he is up to but will try and find excuses for his symptoms that could be something other than dementia. She doesn't seem to get that by telling my grandfather to sit and eat and listen to the nurses is all well and good, but his body will do what it is being told to do and rational thought is unfortunately not there with him anymore. We are a small family. My grandparents are only children, my mother is only child and so she is the one who my grandmother leans on to offload any worries. However, we are trying to tell her that she needs to stop questioning EVERYTHING (she does, ridiculously) and worrying about EVERYTHING. It seems like she feels she cannot let go when it comes to his care, and it is bringing her down. She is worried sick about him, it's an obsession. The rest of us, of course we are concerned but we understand and accept the condition and what will be, will be. We are satisfied with his care, but at our wit's end with my grandmother.
Does anybody have any suggestions how we can help her accept him for how he is now and what he is going through? To take her mind of it?
Sorry for the long post!!
My grandfather is currently in a nursing home, he has vascular dementia. My grandmother was looking after him until he went into hospital after a fall at home 2 years ago and he has been in residential, and now nursing care, ever since. He was diagnosed after a CTI scan in Nov 2014 with dementia, however the symptoms started a few years before that.
My grandmother struggled with his care for many years. Every day she would phone my mother, and invariably the conversations would turn to my grandfather and how hard it was to look after him, sometimes she's be in tears. Any offers of help, especially from outside sources, were turned down. She didn't want him to go into a home and that was that.
That changed when he spent months in hospital after the fall at home. During this time he obviously became dependant on nursing care. My grandmother was in despair wondering how she would cope with him. At this point he was totally dependant on a zimmerframe to walk, was incontinent (this had started before the hospital stay, the main reason my grandmother felt she couldn't cope), slow speech, some memory loss and a need to be in bed all day and sleep (like the incontinence, this had started prior to the hospital visit). As a family, we discussed and explained to my grandmother that at her age of 82, with her medical problems aswell, it would be impossible for her to cope. This tug of war (or love) went on for a while until one of his Dr's basically spelled it out for her that he needed to be cared for 24/7 in a home.
In the last 2 years, he has worsened to the point where he has now very recently been moved to a nursing home. They look after him well, however we visited yesterday and he wasn't that great. One of the nurses explained that he was wandering (this is a habit that has increased in the last 9-12 months) all day, to the point now where he won't sit and eat and he's lost weight. He's agitated, understandably not the man we all knew and loved and it is heartbreaking to see.
My grandmother is very emotionally involved, of course it is her husband, but to the point where we as a family are worried about her and not so much my grandfather! She is having serious trouble in accepting his condition. She is always willing to discuss what he is up to but will try and find excuses for his symptoms that could be something other than dementia. She doesn't seem to get that by telling my grandfather to sit and eat and listen to the nurses is all well and good, but his body will do what it is being told to do and rational thought is unfortunately not there with him anymore. We are a small family. My grandparents are only children, my mother is only child and so she is the one who my grandmother leans on to offload any worries. However, we are trying to tell her that she needs to stop questioning EVERYTHING (she does, ridiculously) and worrying about EVERYTHING. It seems like she feels she cannot let go when it comes to his care, and it is bringing her down. She is worried sick about him, it's an obsession. The rest of us, of course we are concerned but we understand and accept the condition and what will be, will be. We are satisfied with his care, but at our wit's end with my grandmother.
Does anybody have any suggestions how we can help her accept him for how he is now and what he is going through? To take her mind of it?
Sorry for the long post!!
Being stressed, and watching over her husband like a hawk, has become her way of life. Some of this is down to personality as well as circumstances. You aren't going to be able to change the habits of a lifetime.
