Don't beat yourself up
[=Amy in the US;1131827]Hi, Kaz, and welcome to Talking Point. I'm sorry to hear about your mother. I hope you find some advice, support, and relief here (I know I've gotten plenty of all three in the short time I've been here).
I hear that this is a difficult situation with your mum and that you feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. My only suggestions are ones you have probably heard already: don't visit as often, don't visit as long, don't beat yourself up about not visiting (MUCH easier said than done), and do keep in touch with the care home staff to find out how your mum is when you aren't there.
Honestly, I would cut the family visits down to no more than once a week, and would also consider having family not visit at all for a couple of weeks and see how that goes.
I am also going to tell you that YOU ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG. You are not a bad person. You are not the cause of this behaviour, even if your visits are a trigger for it. Dementia is the enemy, not you.
Like others, I've been in a similar situation and do empathize with you. I also know that it's hard to visit (it's unpleasant, you worry about it before you go, sometimes all day, you suffer afterwards) and it's hard not to visit (you feel like a bad daughter, you feel like people are going to think you're a bad person, you want your mum to have visits and company). You can't fix the dementia or your mother. What you can do is to decide what will be less stressful and better for you: visit, or don't visit.
If you do visit, keep your visits shorter. Continue to try distractions. You might have a read about compassionate communication; I'm not saying it will help, but it might not hurt. Consider bribes: at first, when my mother was very unhappy about being in the care home, a biscuit or some ice cream always worked as a distraction and we could often change the tenor of the conversation this way. Others have reported success with playing music, watching a show or movie, looking at photos, going for a walk, and so forth. When you can't stand it, excuse yourself to go to the toilet, even if you don't have to go (you get to lock yourself in a nice quiet room for a few minutes). My mother can't remember that I just went so I do this as often as needed and take a few deep breaths and sometimes text a friend for support. When you really can't stand it, and you've made a good faith effort to visit, end the visit. You can even say, if she's crying or yelling or upset, Mum, I can see you're upset and not up for having visitors right now. I'll come back another time and maybe you'll be feeling better.
But at the end of the day, listen to your gut instinct, and if you need to not visit for a day, or a week, or a month, or a year, or forever, then don't go. Be kind to yourself and take care.[/QUOTE]
Amy you are an angel , you have made me feel so much better.
My husband has been in NH for 18 months and I'm exhausted mentally and physically
I have reduced visits from 7 days to 5 but feel I need more time away.
I've managed to book holiday this month 7whole days !! I know il feel guilty but there is no way I can continue without a break . In fact I feel as if I have been punishing myself. Keep up with the advice , you're brilliant