When is 'crunch' time...putting your loved one into a Home?
I have just slept through for about 48 hours non-stop, after putting my husband with dementia/Alz into a Home for people with various types of dementia and Alz.
I am his wife of 50 splendid years and I didn't want to do this.
He IS 80 this year and has had the disease for at least five years, his memory rapidly deteriorating recently to the point he cannot remember how to do anything about his personal hygiene. We cannot have a meaningful conversation. He gets disturbed a lot and rambles. My understanding friends and bought-in Carers for some night-times could see I was getting exhausted months ago. I have been his main Carer for over 2 years now.
People we met out and about who know us were always saying 'remember to look after yourself'...'if you crack up who will be able to look after him?'.... my husband. More than a year ago I began to look at Homes in my area. I didn't like any of them. But that was because I couldn't see myself in them. When I began to write down notes on my husband's progress and behaviour, I realised he was worsening quite rapidly recently, and falling off the plateau he had been on for some months. My helpers, the doctor and friends agreed.
I finally took him to a Residential Home out of hospital. He was in hospital for diagnosed deep vein thrombosis, and had a complete check-up at the same time. I was persuaded to transfer him from the hospital to the Home.
His 80th birthday was two days later, and I was allowed to bring him back to our home for it, to spend with friends. At the end of the pleasant day he spent a very difficult night here, and I was still exhausted, so I reluctantly took him back to the Residential Home the next morning. I had wondered if I could 'keep' him with me for the week, but it wasn't to be.
I have only just got over being terrified that one day, in the Residential Home, he will wake up from all of this - the Alzheimers - turn to me and say 'What am I doing here? Take me home right now. Why am I here?' But as the days go by he seems to have settled into the Home and my fears subside. He sometimes moans about the food in a rambling way, but other days he says he likes it there. I see and hear him engaged in laughter. It is the best Home I could find locally, and I like the Administrator who seems to be a compassionate wise woman. The daily routine seems fine, and the medical side is taken care of as well. I have had to leave my husband in her and her Team's capable hands. I visit when I can. As I said, I have slept most of the time, but can visit more often now I am rested.
You too can be helped to face that decision, and not get too exhausted to make it. There are good Homes near you; the focus is on Alzheimers and dementia now - the press, the NHS, the Government. Our time has come! Good luck!
