So bizarre !

[Ann Mac]

Awww - I'm glad they are taking you out to luch, Spamar - one less thing for you to worry about. Even gladder that your OH was in a better mood when you visited

Enjoy the visit to your daughter, Red - and good luck to your OH with the viewing


Little Miss Doom and Gloom this morning. Pull ups kept on, so no wet bed, but all sighs and huffs and a lot of 'supposing' that she wouldn't be able to find this, or that I couldn't give her that, or just general prophesies that something was going to go wrong. Odd at brekkie when I put her porridge in front of her - a snappish 'Do you not ever put milk on porridge, Ann?', followed by a repeated insistance that it was 'dry, no milk in that at all'. I offered more milk, but no she said she didn't want it, she may as well 'carry on eating it raw!' - no idea what she meant or what the problem was, but (obviously) I had made it with milk, just the same as always

She also said to me, while waiting for the mini bus, that it would be lovely to be 'content' - I really felt for her, but was quite surprised at her saying it - mostly, she doesn't seem to realise when she is in the doom and gloom frame of mind, and if we say to her 'Cheer up' or (sometimes crossly from me) 'Is there anything you are not going to fret about today?', she will insist that she 'never moans or complains, what are we talking about?'.

A lot of confabulations too, this morning - a story about her Mum telling her off last week when she won the lottery, because she had spent all her money on new bra's. Another tale of a trip to see the steam engines with work, yesterday, where she ran into her son down on the beach and he bought her fish and chips. And yet another tale of how that man with the big ears, who chatted her up at the dance hall last weekend, turned up in work yesterday and nearly got her sacked - the matron told her she is paid to make tea and clear tables, not to carry on with men - especially when they are not very good looking!!!

The mind boggles!

 

[2jays]

Wouldn't it be interesting if some of these confabulations actually happened....way back then..... Always Being told off for talking to boys, men with big ears etc

Sounds like your mil might have had a few naughty skeletons in her cupboard






Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[Grey Lad]

Hi AnnMac decided to vary things here after reading of taking your MIL to the pub. Thanks for encouraging me to try something different.

 

[Ann Mac]

Wouldn't it be interesting if some of these confabulations actually happened....way back then..... Always Being told off for talking to boys, men with big ears etc

Sounds like your mil might have had a few naughty skeletons in her cupboard






Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

I sometimes wonder, 2jays!!!! If they do have some basis in fact, I can only be very glad that I wasn't the parent dealing with her, cos some of the things she has come out with are enough to make your hair curl

GL - it was a spur of the moment thing - I said to OH that I wish we could do something to escape the kick off after the meal was over, and he came up with that - and it worked. Not to say it will work all the time, or even that we can do that every day - but if it even works short term, to break the cycle, then I'll be happy

 

[2jays]

I sometimes wonder, 2jays!!!! If they do have some basis in fact, I can only be very glad that I wasn't the parent dealing with her, cos some of the things she has come out with are enough to make your hair curl

Mum had a "story" she used to tell, which, as you do, I only half listened to and when a friend of mums from way back then came to England and visited her, told me the FULL "story" - I would never have believed my mother would have done such a thing... But apparently she did






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[LYN T]

Oh Ann! I really do feel for you but I have to say that your MIL's confabulations do make me laugh I feel really bad for admitting that

Love

Lyn T

 

[Grace L]

Ann
I wish I could come up with a diversion/ plan for your MiL, but try as I might, haven't come up with anything.

Maybe....??? this might be worth a go....
as soon as she has finished eating, ask her to run an errand....

Please could you pop upstairs for x (collect something you have left on the bed) ?
I was thinking if she was removed from the dining room... temporarily distracted
she might get busy upstairs doing something else.... and leave you in peace for a few minutes.


Or... would she get cross... with you all saying/ thinking ....
I don't have a minute to myself... you are always asking me to do 'your' housework?

 

[Ann Mac]

Mum had a "story" she used to tell, which, as you do, I only half listened to and when a friend of mums from way back then came to England and visited her, told me the FULL "story" - I would never have believed my mother would have done such a thing... But apparently she did






Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

LOL - now you have me wondering what exactly your Mum did !!!!



Lynn, don't feel bad for laughing - a lot of her confabs crack me up too! For someone who always claimed to have 'no imagination', her tales are amazing at times - and so often out of the blue, with absolutely nothing that I can find to have provoked whatever line of thought that she comes out with. I really would like to know what part of them (if any) is based in fact. She always sounds so convincing too!

Thanks Grace - no idea till I try it if it will work, but worth having on hand to see It might help a lot, so thank you x

Trying to be good and getting the house work done (want to have as much of the weekend free with the kids as possible) but have just found out that the photographs I did for the Refugee and Arts council are wanted for another event, and have had to get them sorted and sent for printing again. This will make the second year they have featured as part of National Refugee week - wish I could get another commission like that, its really good for getting your name 'out there', and so interesting to get your teeth into that sort of project. Its a lovely boost to see your work 'exhibited' too - in this case, its to be featured in a magazine as part of Refugee week - guaranteed to make you feel good

 

[Ann Mac]

And another bit of good news (IF it goes through) - Mils house back on the market 2 days, full asking price offer just made today - lets hope this one is guenuine and it will go through with no problems! Just be glad to have it sorted.

 

[Suzanna1969]

Went to Mum and Dad's this morning, checked her face flannel - DAMP!!! So she'd washed! Checked her toothbrush... bone dry and SET LIKE CONCRETE! Also slightly pink... I deduced that she had, the previous day, brushed her teeth with my Dad's Fixadent. Oh dear.

I am kind of laughing now despite everything....

 

[Ann Mac]

Morning all,

Lol Suzanne - I have to keep Mils fixadent out of the way for the same reason, so far no 'accidents, but when it was kept on the window sill with the paste and brushes, she did reach for it a few times!

Picked Mil up last night and she was pretty wound up when I got there. The staff I spoke to only had chance for a quick word, as Mil was hell bent and determined to leave NOW, but from what I can gather, she had been agitated for a while, pacing up and down, very upset, insisting she didn't know 'this place', had never been there before, didn't know where she was, didn't know anyone there, asking to leave. The staff commented that she has gone downhill a lot lately . She was really quiet on the way home, refused to stop anywhere, said she had a headache and just wanted to get home and get a headache tablet. Gave her paracetamol when we got in and made her a nice cuppa, but she was very agitated. Up and down, where was the little girl?, the babby?, had she left the potatoes on?, constantly asking for OH and often referring to him as her husband. When I gently reminded her he's her son, she would say 'Yes - thats right', but a minute later would ask again if I knew when her husband/S*** was coming back. She tucked into her tea - nothing wrong with her appetite - and afterwards, it wasn't so much as she 'kicked off' as that the agitation already there just kept getting worse. I tried Grace's suggestion of getting her to do a little job - asked her to put away a couple of her clean nighties for me - 'later', 'In a minute', 'I'll do it afterwards' - but while not wanting to do an actual task, up and down wanting to check if she had put the spuds on, to check the kitchen floor to see if she had left the plates there (?), to get the box she had left on the side in the kitchen as if she didn't put those 'things' away they would go bad. And on and on and on about OH - where was he? Could she phone him? Did I know what time her husband was coming for her? No, she wasn't talking about my S*** - she was talking about her S***, her husband. No sooner had I reassured her/answered her, then she would start the same questions again. Up till about 6.30, she was agitated, but in no way nasty - then sudden flip on a sixpence - If I was going to keep her from her husband, she was going home, right now. The switch was so sudden, from one moment looking to me for reassurance to I was the 'bad guy', literally in the blink of an eye!

Tried to gently explain the situation, no joy so straight into 'I'm sorry you feel like that, but I'm not discussing' - her coat went on, she got her shoes out and was searching for her handbag. She asked me for it - as she had got her shoes out of the same cupboard where she generally puts her bag, I assumed it wasn't there if if she hadn't already got it and said, quite honestly, that if it wasn't there I didn't know where she had put it. 'Ohhhhhh - so there are some things the 'mighty Ann' doesn't know, are there? You don't actually know everything, do you? You just think you do'. She decided to go without it - 'I'll walk to my Mum and Dad's if I have to' - then on finding the doors locked, she sat down and started on a stream of nasty comments and insults and demands to be allowed to 'go home'. 5 minutes and enough, I told her to go to her room and calm down. And she went. 15 minutes later, back down, straight back into 'home', sent straight back up - and that was it for the evening. I took her meds up at 9, she was fast asleep. Woke her gently, got her into the pull ups and got the meds into her and she was near enough asleep again by the time I left the room. 1.am., I went to the loo and found her coming out of the bathroom - she was wearing the pull ups and a PJ jacket, nothing else, no idea why she had taken off the nighty she had had on earlier - I reminded her where her room was and off she went, and not a peep since.

This is the 3rd time in the last couple of weeks that having been asked to go to her room well before 9pm, she has got into bed and basically slept more or less right through till the following morning. From about 8pm, usually earlier, most evenings she asks repeatedly if she can go to bed - OH and I are wondering if maybe part of the reason for the behaviour is simply that she is really tired and wants to go to sleep - she rarely argues about going to her room, and though she came down once last night, more often, once sent she simply goes to bed. On the nights when she has come back down after an hour or so's sleep, her behaviour has been fine. Could it be simply that she needs more sleep, that she is worn out from day care and needs her bed? Her needs can change so suddenly, and are we perhaps at the stage where she simply needs far more sleep? Although 3 or 4 nights a week, I generally get up to guide her back to her room, maybe twice or 3 times, she isn't disruptive for hours - its more that she has got confused about where she is on the way to or from the loo and is fine once reassured. I think we are going to risk letting her go earlier, than 9 if she asks - and just hope we don't go back to her waking then at any time from 3a.m. onwards - if she does, we will just have to think again!

Sad thing about last night was that Mil missed out on eldest dau getting home - she wasn't back till nearly 8pm - but hopefully, seeing her here this morning will make a nice start to her day, putting her in a good mood from the off. We have the usual Saturday of getting youngest daughter to theatre school, and - if Mils behaviour is OK - taking Mil to see her friend - who will (fingers crossed) stick to the no massive cream cakes rule!

Hope you all have a good day xxxx

 

[Spamar]

Morning everyone.

Could be Ann, OH would sleep more on daycare days, but he slept through the night. It's like the brain needs more time to process things.

Nice for you to have eldest home as well!

BTW, like your idea for dementia ad. At least it shows what can happen without making it too scary.

OH was so-so yesterday. Not eating very much. I took a pot of trifle in, he likes trifle, but he only had 2small spoonfuls of topping ( cream /custard). Just not eating all his favourites. He had no lower teeth in, cos he just wouldn't put them in. Course, he's not used to it, at home he kept them in all the time except when giving them a good clean. Normally cleaned them with toothbrush and paste. Though I did have a shock one day when I flung the bedcovers back and there was his lower set, grinning at me! False teeth not my fav! it was explained to me that they are taken out to save then coming out in the night and choking him or getting lost or damaged. Well, I can see that, even if I don't agree with it. However, they never take out his top set. Do they know?
His walking was terrible. Was in a wheel chair and kept slipping. Took 2 to transfer him to a chair, though no hoist yet, but that can't be far off. Bit depressing, really. Then I couldn't understand half of what he said.

I can remember a time when OH got toothpaste, tooth fixer, mouth wash and hair cream muddled. That was 'interesting', and led to much closer supervision at wash time!

Right, stepson and family arriving later, better try and get my jobs done!

Sunshine at the moment! Enjoy!

 

[Suzanna1969]

Dad's put his Fixadent in his bedroom now out of harm's way! Mum has her own tube in her bedroom for her small plate. The only potential hazard now is Dad's shaving cream, so I've told Dad that if Mum comes out of the bathroom looking like she has rabies he'll have to hide that somewhere too!

 

[Tin]

Do day care centres do half days? maybe Ann your mil is just so tired. I have noticed that when mum gets to spend time with too many people or too many outings in a day, while she is not as agitated as your mil, she can be somewhat difficult to settle and I just sit here hoping for bedtime soon!

 

[Spamar]

I think maybe Ann doesn't want mil for half a day, though it might be one answer.. I certainly didn't want OH in for half say, 16:00 came around all too quickly! Having said that, I know some start for half a day and work up to a full day.
At least we didn't have shaving foam! One of the advantages of full beard!

 

[AnoviceinN1]

Afternoon nap?

Hi Ann, I don't think that a half day is the answer as this would mean that you take over even more caring work than you are already doing and probably jeopardize your work as a photographer. However, I wonder whether it would be a good idea for MIL to have an after-lunch nap at day care? I know that you might not have wanted this in the past on the grounds that she would then be awake too much in the night but I wonder whether a nap for an hour or two (max) would take the edge off, as it were, and give you all a less fraught evening.

 

[RedLou]

Simplest thing is Ann's idea to try an 8.00 o clock bedtime first, no?

 

[jugglingmum]

It does sound Ann like she needs more sleep somewhere in the day - but like you said you don't want her back to waking at night and you certainly don't want her back for daycare any earlier - you find it bad enough when minibus brings her back.

I know my mum sleeps in the day, she is often in bed if I go round in the late afternoon, but I know she gets back up and has a sandwich later, before a more normal bedtime.

Finally fitted in my 'normal' weekly visit to mum today (normally go on a Thursday) and hadn't been for 11 days. She was asleep when I got there. Found a note left by carers addressed to her that she needed washing up liquid and notes in her folder that she hadn't had washing powder for last 2 thursdays. So popped to nearest shop (a discount shop) and got washing powder and washing up liquid and other cleaning stuff as well. She was awake and really alert when I got back. I spoke to her about showering again - she ignored me for some of conversation which is what she does when she thinks she is being told off nowadays, I had read in her care notes they had tried really hard to persuade her and she had resisted, but told her they had phoned me. I think if she thought it was in care notes she would destroy them I think she did understand she needs to shower. I think I need to go and say she has to have one now one day and sit there - no idea where I will find time to do that.

She had bought herself a coat and a skirt in a charity clothes sale, she can't resist a cheap bargain, the coat is a parka style with a fur lined hood - which I think I am too old to be wearing but my 14 year old would love (in the right size).

Noticed she was looking like she has lost a lot of weight, and there was a note to say she hadn't eaten breakfast one day. She will only get a salad in the restaurant as she thinks everything else is too expensive and she can't eat it all. She then doesn't eat meat in salad and brings it up for her sandwich later. But she is chomping through bread - I think she has toast late afternoon and a sandwich late evening so 4 slices a day. I bought a good quantity of choc biscuits when I went to get cleaning stuff as better to eat these than lose weight I think. Sometimes she seems to get through half a packet a day and then she doesn't touch them for weeks. Think she eats more when she is having good days, but seemed very with it and better than she has for months (maybe since last Sept in some ways) and yet lost weight.

Having been back to house a few weeks ago, I've been feeling really angry again at state mum's house was in, and also state it was in during my childhood. Thankfully it her flat was fairly tidy, otherwise I might have exploded! Cleaners are clearly being allowed to do their thing every week based on notes.

Finally got my son and his sleepover buddy to bed just before so now need to wrap some pressies for him

Sparmar- hope time with stepson was good and LA is equally so.

 

[Ann Mac]

Morning all,

Eventually, I do think the full days at day care may be too much for Mil - but not yet! The home where the day care is based is a pretty small place , with multiple small lounges - its one of the things I liked about the place as it meant Mil wasn't amongst large groups of people, all crammed into the same space, which I know she finds difficult. I do know she often naps there in one of the comfy chairs in the afternoons especially. In fact, it was being told that she is doing that more frequently which also got me thinking about her perhaps being at a stage now where she simply needs more sleep. We are going to try the earlier bedtimes (she went at 8.30 last night and not a peep since) and see how we go.

JM, a couple of the things you mention about your Mum rang very loud bells with me - so similar to what we experienced with Mil, in the last year she was living in her own home. The not showering - more and more often we would find her wearing dressing gown and unwashed/not showered. It would take some serious nagging to get her to do something about it. Resistence to carer's help - they were grudgingly allowed to check her blister pack, to make sure it had been taken (and more and more often towards the last few months she either hadn't taken it, or had taken the wrong days) but not allowed to do anything else. Although as time went on, she seemed to rarely leave the house when we weren't around, when she did, she would also haunt charity shops, buying some very odd items and very unsuitable clothes - we found wardrobes, drawers and bags piled upstairs, containing dozens of tatty handbags and things like T-shirts with either boy bands or rude slogans on the front! Eating nothing but toast while the ready meals, cooked meats, eggs, fruit, veg etc we had got her to buy when we took her shopping lay mouldering in the fridge (we later found out from her friend that Mil was getting her to pick up a loaf of bread nearly every day for her) and, like your Mum she lost a lot of weight (After she moved in with us, we also found out that she was really badly anemic too). In the last few months, the state of the house got steadily worse, she rarely hoovered and - we later discovered - unwashed dishes and crocs were simply being put away at the back of kitchen cupboards. We later (after she moved out) found bags of unwashed clothes shoved into cupboards and piled on the bed in the never used (so we never went in there) back bedroom. Seeing all this was both upsetting and so frustrating, so I really feel for you.

Mil did seem excessively tired again yesterday, and was very much 'Oh - pity me' for most of the day. She got up after 10, while I was running dau to her theatregroup, so OH made her her weekend brekkie of egg on toast, after which she took her meds and went back to bed, but only for half an hour. I managed - with an awful lot of effort - to get her into the bath, but she was so sluggish - literally step by tiny step instructions on what to wash next and how to do it properly. When I asked her to wash under her arms, she repeatedly lifted the flannel back to her face - in the end I had to gently guide her hand and the flannel to the right place After her bath and I'd dried her hair, I made her a cuppa and she wanted biscuits - by now it was 12, and I would be doing lunch for everyone at 1, when dau got home, so I asked her to wait for lunch (it was only 2 hours since breakfast) and she was really cross with me. Daughter came home, I made Mil ham sandwiches and salad,and as the friend who brings dau back (her daughter goes to the same group) stayed for a coffee, dau only had her sandwiches as they left and as Mil was finishing hers. She put the plate on the table while she went to get a drink - and Mil promptly tucked into them. I was a bit cross as that was the last of the ham, so had to run round to find something else for dau - and to be honest, Mils reaction really left me feeling that she knew the food wasn't hers anyway

The usual visit to her friends house followed - I thought that might cause problems for us later, as Mils friend has a habit of starting off her chat with news of any of their mutual aquaintences/friends who may have passed away in the week since Mil last visited and it has often upset Mil in the past. Yesterday, she told Mil (in great detail) about how a lady that Mil had actually been really good mates with had suddenly died whilst away on holiday with her family. Do I look on it as a sad sign of deterioration or as a blessing that Mil didn't seem a bit bothered, and in fact, I'm not sure if she even knew who her friend was talking about? It had absolutely no impact on Mil, as far as I could see, anyway.

Back home and she sat on the sofa telling me she 'felt funny' in between weeping and wailing and 'What am I going to do?' and 'Whats going to become of me?'. Tea and sympathy didn't work, and she ignored my suggestions that she have a 'lie down', so in the end I told her that her doctor had said she MUST have an afternoon nap. And off she went. I did tea around 6.30pm, and althogh I was going to plate Mils up for when she woke, she came down under her own steam as I was dishing up and tucked in as usual.

What was interesting last night was that maybe 6 or 7 times she started to ask to go home, and each time I pointed out that we had oldest back just for the weekend and it would be nice if we didn't have to talk about 'going home ' all night, just for a change. And each time she agreed and stopped, with no upset at all! And as I said, 8.30, she toddled off to bed and other than finding her rootling through the bathroom cupboard looking for her 'tablets' about 10 minutes later when i went to make sure the pull ups were worn, she settled and I didn't even encounter her on the landing or in the bathroom during the night, so I think she has slept right through!

Today we are having an early Sunday roast, before taking dau back to Manchester this afternoon (booooo!). I've got the lamb cooking and am just about to start on the veg peeling, before hopefully grabbing a shower before Mil wakes, so I'd better get a wriggle on! Hope you all manage to have a great day - and for those of you off to L.A. - have an absolutely wonderful time xxxxx

 

[RedLou]

Have a great time in LA, you reprobates. JM, enjoy the day. Ann, enjoy your lunch.