Mams things.

[Witzend]

No condemning from me. Just a sort of envy. I have a garage full of stuff from mums house that I don't need, want, or has any use to anyone, yet still I can't let it go...


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

You are not alone. My OH found it impossible to get rid of a lot of his father's stuff after he died. A mass of it went into storage for several years - a daft waste of money but I never said a word since he just didn't feel able to chuck the vast majority and none of his brothers could come and help at the time - all too busy or far away.

Eventually one brother did come and go through it all with him, and by then the emotion had faded so much that it was comparatively easy - it was just 'stuff'.
He's still got his father's ancient old bike in our garage, though, after well over 15 years.
Nobody who didn't know would imagine my OH to be that soft or sentimental - must say even I was a little bit surprised.
The most emotional moment for me with FIL's stuff was not long after he died, when OH retrieved among other things a pair of very old and doubtless smelly tennis shoes. Our dog went nearly mad with excitement - she could smell Grandpa! She started looking all around for him - that really did make me well up.

 

[Pickles53]

Just to mention that most insurance companies will not continue cover for very long once a house is unoccupied. In our case 90 days was the maximum, after which all kinds of conditions had to be met including a weekly visit to the house (not easy when you live 60 miles away). Also had to keep central heating on at a minimum temperature which can get expensive. There was a higher excess and valuable items were no longer covered for theft.

Please make sure your insurance companies know what is happening so they can tell you what you need to do to keep protected.

 

[Tara62]

It's really, really hard, Sianey. I've got my mum's jewellery box in a drawer, and it feels very wrong that it's there. All these possessions are very hard to deal with. To me, it's a "can't live with it, can't live without it" sort of thing. I feel sort of haunted by her stuff.

I kept loads of her clothes for several years, and got rid of them very slowly, a few items at a time. I'm still keeping quite a few, but I have given most away now, which was hard to do, but I do feel a bit better that the majority are gone. What I did was take a couple of photos of each garment - I haven't looked back at them yet, but I thought if I ever regretted throwing things out, it would be good to have the photos.

I know my father's time in his house is drawing to an end now, and I've been taking photos of the house for the past year or so. I take some apparently ridiculous photos - close-ups of little things as well as views of entire rooms. My parents moved there in 1966. The daft thing is that I actually dislike the house and always did - not my sort of house at all. I know I'll miss it, though.

I've come to the conclusion also unlike if I were younger, you look at your own mortality more.

Yes, definitely. Definitely.

 

[Sianey]

Mams things

Thankfully the Welfare Rights lady pointed out about insurance of the house or else I wouldn't of thought of it, my daughter thankfully goes to check every day

 

[Sianey]

Mams things

Tara62, aww I think you should do what makes you feel better, if it's photos even if they are daft to other who cares,

Last year my daughter was going to move to London she never did in the end, but I took photos of her room as it's such a cluttered room I had to keep a memory of it looking like it did. Nobody knew I did it

 

[QueenofSwords]

Just to mention that most insurance companies will not continue cover for very long once a house is unoccupied. In our case 90 days was the maximum, after which all kinds of conditions had to be met including a weekly visit to the house (not easy when you live 60 miles away). Also had to keep central heating on at a minimum temperature which can get expensive. There was a higher excess and valuable items were no longer covered for theft.

Please make sure your insurance companies know what is happening so they can tell you what you need to do to keep protected.

This is a really good point - it was my Mum's (brilliant) social worker who pointed this out to me - I wouldn't have immediately thought about it. The big difficulty is not getting cover for the house being unoccupied, it's the lack of cover for theft that worries me. Have been trying to get a quote for extra cover for this, but it's taking quite a while.

I also empathise with the terrible feelings having to go through your parent's things. never mind the jumble of stuff (sachets of catfood in amongst drawers of sweaters, leaflets going back ten years, important documents under the sink!) My Mum was always so organised.

You also get a dawning realisation that it has been going on for much longer than you realise - and how good your parent was at covering it up. I reckon my Mum was suffering quite markedly for at least two years before I realised there was anything wrong, which was itself 2 and a half years before she was finally diagnosed. The jumble of stuff is one clue, but much bigger ones are things like the eleven pairs of new gloves and the five pairs of identical shoes, none of them ever taken out of their boxes.

I feel like it's a real intrusion into her privacy, as well as very upsetting, but there is no help for it, it has to be done.

 

[elizabet]

It is very hard sorting and clearing out your parent's house when they go into care and you know deep down they will spend their last days there. I took many of my Mums photos, and ornaments etc in boxes into her care home room but they stayed in the boxes as she did not think they were hers. the cruelty of early dementia.
Sadly she died in hospital . Most of her clothes went to the local charity shop although I kept just a few special outfits which were meaningful to me , lots of her household things went to the tip for recycling not suitable for charity shops to sell and I have boxes of photos and her jewelry with me .I left most of the furniture in her house for the buyer wanted it.
It has made me try and be ruthless with my own possessions and clutter back home and I am gradually sorting out my own spare room which is piled high with mainly books etc

 

[Witzend]

It is very hard sorting and clearing out your parent's house when they go into care and you know deep down they will spend their last days there. I took many of my Mums photos, and ornaments etc in boxes into her care home room but they stayed in the boxes as she did not think they were hers. the cruelty of early dementia.
Sadly she died in hospital . Most of her clothes went to the local charity shop although I kept just a few special outfits which were meaningful to me , lots of her household things went to the tip for recycling not suitable for charity shops to sell and I have boxes of photos and her jewelry with me .I left most of the furniture in her house for the buyer wanted it.
It has made me try and be ruthless with my own possessions and clutter back home and I am gradually sorting out my own spare room which is piled high with mainly books etc

After my aunt died at her care home I was about to parcel up her clothes for the charity shop, when staff asked if I would mind leaving them since they had residents with very little money and no relatives to buy them anything. They even asked me to leave her old and faded nighties, which I would have had to throw out.
So sad, but I suppose it's not that uncommon.

 

[magic800]

My Aunt who has had 6 weeks in hospital has gone into a care home this week, I now have to empty her bungalow which belongs to a housing association so no problems about selling her property. I have found it difficult as she wants to go home even though most of the time she is not aware of where home is, she knows she needs more nursing care than she can get at home but still feels she would cope alright (she has a number of health issues and has had falls and is unable to walk now). My dilemma is how long do I leave it before I empty her home do I tell her that she will not be able to go back to the bungalow? I am wary of taking in some of her personal items just yet because of upsetting her, she has been quite restless the first few days.
I have found the above comments helpful as I felt uncomfortable too just searching for clothes and throwing out food that was out of date in the kitchen cupboards.

 

[Jesskle66]

Today I had the grim task of getting quotes from house clearance companies to clear my mum's (rented) accommodation. In spite of it being a housing association house it has been mum's home for 43 years and was my childhood home. We were very poor whilst I was growing up but as soon as I started working I bought new furniture, carpets, etc and they haven't been changed since I bought them. Mum went into care home last week and so the housing association want the house back ASAP. It was our home when we needed it and now it is right that it will be another family's home in their time of need. Mum was sectioned for 7 months and hasn't been home since, but boy did it hurt having a 'value' put on the things in the house today. I just want it over with as quick as possible now, like pulling off a plaster.

 

[canary]

My Aunt who has had 6 weeks in hospital has gone into a care home this week, I now have to empty her bungalow which belongs to a housing association so no problems about selling her property. I have found it difficult as she wants to go home even though most of the time she is not aware of where home is, she knows she needs more nursing care than she can get at home but still feels she would cope alright (she has a number of health issues and has had falls and is unable to walk now). My dilemma is how long do I leave it before I empty her home do I tell her that she will not be able to go back to the bungalow? I am wary of taking in some of her personal items just yet because of upsetting her, she has been quite restless the first few days.
I have found the above comments helpful as I felt uncomfortable too just searching for clothes and throwing out food that was out of date in the kitchen cupboards.

Magic, you dont have to tell her that she cant go back to her bungalow at all. When she is asking to go home she doesnt mean her bungalow - she wants to go to a place where she doesnt feel confused, often a childhood home. She may agree that she needs more care now, but if she is anything like my mum it doesnt mean anything to her and she wont remember the conversation anyway.

I havent told mum that Im selling her bungalow and on the advice of others on here I tell her that she cant go back yet because the plumbers or decorators are in, or the carpets are being cleaned, or there is dreadful roadworks outside the bungalow, or....... It really works.

 

[fluffyduck]

we are also having to clear out mums home that she had lived in for 60 years. i was born in the house and it has always been home even though i have not lived there for 30 years. every time i go in there the memories of my childhood come flashing back. i went in to pick up some of mums things for her last week and i realised that even though it is going to be very sad when we close the door for the last time it is no longer home because my mum is not there, she was the one that made it home. she has some of her things round her at the care home and when i go and see her that is like going home. they say home is where the heart is and i now get that.

 

[Sianey]

Mams things

Magic,

My Mam asked to go back just to see her home but I just changed the subject and she forgot and never mentioned it until last week she did ask have we sold it.

You could take some photos of family members I think that's a good idea maybe at first then I took two Tiffany lamps that were Mams favourite and she thought I'd bought them she couldn't remember they were hers. Does she watch the TV still? Maybe a TV?

So you could test the water with some things. I did it just to make it look cosier but sometimes if they wander they might have a tendency to put them somewhere as Mam does.

Sianey x

 

[canary]

Magic,

My Mam asked to go back just to see her home but I just changed the subject and she forgot and never mentioned it until last week she did ask have we sold it.

You could take some photos of family members I think that's a good idea maybe at first then I took two Tiffany lamps that were Mams favourite and she thought I'd bought them she couldn't remember they were hers. Does she watch the TV still? Maybe a TV?

So you could test the water with some things. I did it just to make it look cosier but sometimes if they wander they might have a tendency to put them somewhere as Mam does.

Sianey x

Thats why you have to label absolutely everything and dont take valuable stuff in. Make sure you have copies of any photos you take in.

Mum has got her own bedside cabinet, her own chest of drawers, bedside lamp, bedthrow, pictures, photos (framed and labeled who the people are), and a couple of vases (not valuable ones) for flowers.

 

[Maldives13]

Fluffyduck - wow that could have been me talking. Mum was in her house for over 60 years and like you I was born there. I go in every day still even though Mum has been in a care home for 5 weeks now. That is a great way of looking at it so thank you. We have to sell the house (my brother and I own it) to pay her top up fees so I've been feeling very blue. I haven't touched a thing yet as can't face it. Going up for sale next month but feel like my heart will break! So I'm going to try and view it a bit differently thank you xxx

 

[magic800]

Thanks for the comments, she seemed bit more settled tonight. I am going to take a photo that she has framed of her and my uncle to start, she loves the tv they have put a small one in her room, but I am going to take her own in as she seems to be ok with the remote control. I think you may be right about her not realising where home is because she mentions that she has been looking for relatives who are no longer living.

 

[Sianey]

that's good Magic.

One thing though label her remote in fact anything as you take it in label it as I found it easier than labelling everything in one go.

The main TV in Mams home in the lounge had Mams remote next to it, apparently shed been trying to turn channel with her remote, I know you shouldn't laugh but it's funny as well.

Sianey x