Taking a break

[EdwardM]

Hello,

Apologies if I am going over old ground as I am sure this is an issue that many of you have dealt with.

My dad is now my mum's main carer and she is wholly dependant on him now.

Unsurprisingly my dad is shattered and is in need of a break.

Therefore, I wanted to ask people's experiences of how best to handle it. We all know that my dad needs a break but are worried how my mum will cope if he is not around. How have other people dealt with this? And what amounts of time have other people taken as breaks away from the person they are caring for?

Any advice and insights would be much appreciated.

Best wishes

 

[sistermillicent]

Has your father had a carer's assessment? This will establish what support he needs or wants in looking after your mum. My dad had one of these and although he dreaded it I went with him and he found it helpful to have someone listen to him.

I am afraid that unless you can get sitters to come to the house for the time that your dad is away then probably the best option is for your mum to go into a care home for a couple of weeks. We had to do this with mum in order for dad to have a rest, and it became a regular thing which enabled him to continue caring for mum at home for a long time.
I would also suggest that your dad asks for regular carers to come and spend three hours with your mum so that he can get out on his own just for a little while.
You need to contact Adult Social Care and don't underestimate the difficulty of the situation, point out that if your dad doesn't get a break your mum will need to be in care full time.

 

[EdwardM]

Has your father had a carer's assessment? This will establish what support he needs or wants in looking after your mum. My dad had one of these and although he dreaded it I went with him and he found it helpful to have someone listen to him.

I am afraid that unless you can get sitters to come to the house for the time that your dad is away then probably the best option is for your mum to go into a care home for a couple of weeks. We had to do this with mum in order for dad to have a rest, and it became a regular thing which enabled him to continue caring for mum at home for a long time.
I would also suggest that your dad asks for regular carers to come and spend three hours with your mum so that he can get out on his own just for a little while.
You need to contact Adult Social Care and don't underestimate the difficulty of the situation, point out that if your dad doesn't get a break your mum will need to be in care full time.

Many thanks for the reply. He actually just had a carers assessment at the end of May although he was unclear what good could come of it.

Do you mind if I ask how your mum was the first few times your dad took a break? (especially when it was for a few days). My dad's worry is that it will make her even more confused if he is not there.

Hopefully we will be able to convince him of the need to take a break before he runs himself into the ground

 

[sistermillicent]

Mum was well cared for in a care home, we didn't tell her in advance that it was happening, she didn't retain any information so there was no point and she would have been upset and angry. On the day, Dad and I took her out on the pretext of going out for coffee and when we got there I told her she was staying there for a few days as Dad had to visit his brother who was ill. (not a complete lie but a bit of one), she was absolutely livid but as soon as the care home staff took her over she was nice as anything.
We didn't visit for a few days but she settled quite well, she liked wandering a lot at home and as the care home was big she wandered there happily. When dad visited she was fine.
She was also ok when she got home, no problems settling in again.
Dad was more upset than she was I think.

Can you get in touch with the people who did the carers assessment and ask what is going to be done to help? Your dad is entitled to help and support.
You may have to be rather persistent to get him what he needs. I had to raise hell with the head social worker for the area . I also discovered that dad said no help was coming and no one had been in touch or done anything when the actual truth was that he had refused everything he had been offered as he was afraid it might upset mum. It took a year to get him set up with any assistance at all. This was six years ago, mum has just become too much for him now, she went in to care for her last respite a few weeks ago and has not been well enough to come home, I don't think she will again.

 

[EdwardM]

Mum was well cared for in a care home, we didn't tell her in advance that it was happening, she didn't retain any information so there was no point and she would have been upset and angry. On the day, Dad and I took her out on the pretext of going out for coffee and when we got there I told her she was staying there for a few days as Dad had to visit his brother who was ill. (not a complete lie but a bit of one), she was absolutely livid but as soon as the care home staff took her over she was nice as anything.
We didn't visit for a few days but she settled quite well, she liked wandering a lot at home and as the care home was big she wandered there happily. When dad visited she was fine.
She was also ok when she got home, no problems settling in again.
Dad was more upset than she was I think.

Can you get in touch with the people who did the carers assessment and ask what is going to be done to help? Your dad is entitled to help and support.
You may have to be rather persistent to get him what he needs. I had to raise hell with the head social worker for the area . I also discovered that dad said no help was coming and no one had been in touch or done anything when the actual truth was that he had refused everything he had been offered as he was afraid it might upset mum. It took a year to get him set up with any assistance at all. This was six years ago, mum has just become too much for him now, she went in to care for her last respite a few weeks ago and has not been well enough to come home, I don't think she will again.

Many thanks for that reply, that is extremely helpful. I'll make sure that we chase up the social workers.