Thanks again for the support, such a comfort. One thing I find so frustrating and not sure if others have the same experience, but why do so many people feel obliged to pass judgement on how im handling Mums situation? If it's not her hairdresser, it's her neighbour, or someone else whose not even met me or Mim, but tells my daughter how wrong it is to consider putting parents in care homes and how they would never do such a terrible thing, they are very lucky not to have a parent with Alzheimer's and don't know anything about the situation we are in. I wish they would keep there views to themselves.
Should I have stopped my Mum being with her abusive partner?
- Thread starter Lisethepiece
- Start date
Take absolutely no notice of them. People always seem to want to have an opinion about everything - even when they know nothing.
Your job is to keep your mum safe and cared for - and if it werent for this disease, she would understand that. Eventually she will forget this man, or only remember him in passing.
Your job is to keep your mum safe and cared for - and if it werent for this disease, she would understand that. Eventually she will forget this man, or only remember him in passing.
I think of it like the childless people who always had strong opinions about how I was raising my kids as a single parent. They don't have kids, so they don't have any clue what they are talking about. Brush them off like grains of sand from the beach. You're doing what's right and safe for your mum- making sure she is cared for. If that means she needs the protection of a care home, then so be it.
Let them judge. Just don't let it get to you too much.
Moving my mom to her care home was one of the best decisions I made. I know it was right because she is safe and mostly content and I can sleep at night!
Let them judge. Just don't let it get to you too much.
Moving my mom to her care home was one of the best decisions I made. I know it was right because she is safe and mostly content and I can sleep at night!
Just a thought about all these folk telling you what YOU have to do- maybe suggest gently that perhaps they might like to visit your mum or do some thing to help keep her at home?
They are liable to go very quiet.
Seriously, you can only do your best, and somehow I found even that was never enough. You have to do what you can cope with, in order to keep going, and care for your mum, at home or in care.
They are liable to go very quiet.
Seriously, you can only do your best, and somehow I found even that was never enough. You have to do what you can cope with, in order to keep going, and care for your mum, at home or in care.
Will Mums verbal threats of violence become a reality
It does worry me that the threats of wanting to kill me or her carer may end up with her attacking one of us. The carer thinks there is no real danger at this stage, but the other day she was holding a hammer in the garden and mentioned she could kill me or the carer with it. Does anyone have any experience of a parent actually carrying out these violent threats?
It does worry me that the threats of wanting to kill me or her carer may end up with her attacking one of us. The carer thinks there is no real danger at this stage, but the other day she was holding a hammer in the garden and mentioned she could kill me or the carer with it. Does anyone have any experience of a parent actually carrying out these violent threats?
Mum spoke very purposefully about killing Dad using scissors and / or strangling him with cord from their dressing gowns. She was both terrified and aggressive, totally out of control. That's why she was taken into an assessment unit because the locum GP was as worried as I was by her serious, carefully worked out threats to use weapons.
Tweaking her medication resulted in much less paranoia and much more safety for Dad.
Tweaking her medication resulted in much less paranoia and much more safety for Dad.
Did that mean giving her a higher dose of the same thing or changing to something else? Was your Mum sectioned at all? That's my biggest worry.
Mum wasn't sectioned - but that would have happened if she hadn't gone in voluntarily.
Please don't be frightened about the risk of "sectioning". If Mum had been "sectioned" she would have gone to the same place and have been cared for by the same impressive multi-disciplinary team who looked after her as a voluntary patient. I wasn't only relieved for my Dad when she went into the assessment unit, I was pleased for her. The emergency hospitalisation meant Mum suddenly became a high priority patient for whatever help she needed whereas previously she wasn't, also Dad had the option of "time off" away from her if he wanted it (he didn't).
Mum's medications were experimented with and a slightly different combination of pills and pill strengths was found to work better than the original set-up. I never knew any more details than that. Mum was much less fraught and edgy on these pills and her behaviour was considerably less violent (but she certainly wasn't "zombified").
At the moment you're mainly worried about the verbal violence becoming physical violence, I think? Mum had already been kicking and hitting Dad for a while previously (and there was one occasion when she clearly thought about having a go at me) before "crunch time" came. Hopefully your Mum may never get to the stage of being physically violent. I think part of Mum's problems were that Dad didn't realise her behaviour could be improved if her medication was tweaked to suit her better.
Please don't be frightened about the risk of "sectioning". If Mum had been "sectioned" she would have gone to the same place and have been cared for by the same impressive multi-disciplinary team who looked after her as a voluntary patient. I wasn't only relieved for my Dad when she went into the assessment unit, I was pleased for her. The emergency hospitalisation meant Mum suddenly became a high priority patient for whatever help she needed whereas previously she wasn't, also Dad had the option of "time off" away from her if he wanted it (he didn't).
Mum's medications were experimented with and a slightly different combination of pills and pill strengths was found to work better than the original set-up. I never knew any more details than that. Mum was much less fraught and edgy on these pills and her behaviour was considerably less violent (but she certainly wasn't "zombified").
At the moment you're mainly worried about the verbal violence becoming physical violence, I think? Mum had already been kicking and hitting Dad for a while previously (and there was one occasion when she clearly thought about having a go at me) before "crunch time" came. Hopefully your Mum may never get to the stage of being physically violent. I think part of Mum's problems were that Dad didn't realise her behaviour could be improved if her medication was tweaked to suit her better.
That is so helpful thank you, but it must have been so scary for you at the time. This disease is so shocking isn't it? I really don't think anyone should pass judgement on the actions we have to take unless they walk in our shoes.
Hear, hear Lise - as the saying goes "they know not of what they speak" please don't take any notice of the opinions of these ignoramuses. You, and we, know you're doing the very best you can for your Mum in the most difficult of circumstances. As AlsoConfused has said please don't fear the processes that may be necessary - they may be the answer to getting your Mum more settled and calm.
Stay strong and keep posting, even if it's just to get stuff off your chest rather than specific questions, it really does help.
Can Mums abusive partner marry her?
Since I last wrote things have got much worse. Mums abusive partner is still in London and she is in her hme with her 24 hour carer but her dementia seems much worse. She gets terrible mood swings, only sleeps til 3 or 4 in the morning and is extremely confused. She doesn't remember her family, keeps trying t run away and nearly fell out of a window. She threatens suicide daily.
She speaks to her partner on the phone still as she was screaming for him and threatening to cut her fingers off unless she saw him. This is the man who lived with her for 18 months without paying a penny nor caring for her in any way and regularly swearin and shouting at her til she wild run out of the house or ring me saying she can't go on. My dad dies 3 years ago and she was with him for more than 60 years and they were like swans.
The carer messaged me last night to say Mum was talking to him and he told her he loved her and that the years he spent with her were the best of his life. She said they were for her too and asked him t marry her.
We had already got to the point of realising the time had come for mum to go in a home and were starting the process of selling the house and talking to the council. If this man marries Mum he will have rights to her home and won't be able to sell it and he will just end up living in it on his own. Can anyone help r give me advice? I am at my wits end with all this and it is seriously affecting my health.
Since I last wrote things have got much worse. Mums abusive partner is still in London and she is in her hme with her 24 hour carer but her dementia seems much worse. She gets terrible mood swings, only sleeps til 3 or 4 in the morning and is extremely confused. She doesn't remember her family, keeps trying t run away and nearly fell out of a window. She threatens suicide daily.
She speaks to her partner on the phone still as she was screaming for him and threatening to cut her fingers off unless she saw him. This is the man who lived with her for 18 months without paying a penny nor caring for her in any way and regularly swearin and shouting at her til she wild run out of the house or ring me saying she can't go on. My dad dies 3 years ago and she was with him for more than 60 years and they were like swans.
The carer messaged me last night to say Mum was talking to him and he told her he loved her and that the years he spent with her were the best of his life. She said they were for her too and asked him t marry her.
We had already got to the point of realising the time had come for mum to go in a home and were starting the process of selling the house and talking to the council. If this man marries Mum he will have rights to her home and won't be able to sell it and he will just end up living in it on his own. Can anyone help r give me advice? I am at my wits end with all this and it is seriously affecting my health.
This is awful. No experience of such a situation but surely with your mother classed as a vulnerable adult there are legal ways to stop this man exploiting her? Would it be worth ringing the Dementia UK Admiral nurses direct helpline? I know it is not precisely a care issue but they were lovely when I rang in desperation about my dad's sundowning and might at least be able to point you to the best places for advice and reassuarance.
So sorry and sending you much love and wishes for strength xx
So sorry and sending you much love and wishes for strength xx
Lise, I'm so sorry to read how awful it's getting for you and your poor Mum. Firstly as others have said there is no way your Mum could actually get married - she is not mentally stable enough to arrange/attend/complete such a process - who would get her there, be the witnesses, what registrar would proceed when presented with your Mum as she is now? I know it is a huge worry that she is still being influenced by this dreadful man but marriage isn't going to happen. You can block calls from specific numbers - in and out going, this is the BT page to explain how - http://www.bt.com/includingyou/calling-easier-control-calls.html
Secondly the level of distress your Mum is exhibiting - threatening to cut off her fingers, nearly jumping out of a window and such like really needs to be addressed properly, outside of your concerns over this man - start with GP/CPN/dementia advisor or anyone else you have that can reassess Mum's meds and current care needs in order to help her be as stable and calm as possible.
I appreciate the situations caused by this man are dreadful but do everything necessary to remove him from your Mum's life and then concentrate on getting Mum sorted out. As per previous posts has her GP discussed sectioning her so that she can be comprehensively assessed over a period of time and her meds monitored and adjusted? Be proactive now in getting Mum sorted out rather than worrying about 'situations'. Good luck.
Secondly the level of distress your Mum is exhibiting - threatening to cut off her fingers, nearly jumping out of a window and such like really needs to be addressed properly, outside of your concerns over this man - start with GP/CPN/dementia advisor or anyone else you have that can reassess Mum's meds and current care needs in order to help her be as stable and calm as possible.
I appreciate the situations caused by this man are dreadful but do everything necessary to remove him from your Mum's life and then concentrate on getting Mum sorted out. As per previous posts has her GP discussed sectioning her so that she can be comprehensively assessed over a period of time and her meds monitored and adjusted? Be proactive now in getting Mum sorted out rather than worrying about 'situations'. Good luck.
I agree with essie, you need to sort out your mum as a first priority. Does her GP/CPN know what she is like? When she gets into a real state threatening self harming or suicide could you phone 999? I really do think that sectioning might be the best thing for her.
PS I strongly suspect that this man is simply after her house. I thought it before when he claimed to be ill. I think he knew that if she were taken into a care home while he was living there and he was disabled then he would have the right to stay in the house. That didnt work so he is trying it this way.
PS I strongly suspect that this man is simply after her house. I thought it before when he claimed to be ill. I think he knew that if she were taken into a care home while he was living there and he was disabled then he would have the right to stay in the house. That didnt work so he is trying it this way.
My Mum has just been put in a home, but I think they will now section her
After all the trauma with Mum, her abusive partner and all of our concerns with that, things just keep getting worse.
She made a suicide attempt a week ago (climbed out of a window upstairs - the carer saved her) and was nearly sectioned then - 3 police officers, 3 paramedics and several hours of discussion ended up with my family agree to stay with her and the carer until we could find a secure home for her.
Found a lovely home for her and took her there to live yesterday. Initially my brothers and I were pleasantly suprised at how calm she seemed - happy to see us, and she loved the room that I had filled with lots of her treasured furniture and prictures. However, when she started to ask questions about going home, the staff told us we should leave now and we practically ran as they told us to.
I REALLY thought things would settle and all the stress for me and my family would start to reduce. No - the home rang this morning to say Mum had about 45 minutes sleep last night - spent all night bashing her hands on the window and trying to climb out (even though they dont open >1 inch.) Her hands were swollen and bloody this morning and she had upset all the other residents as they cant understand why she is making so much fuss. The home have put a one to one psychiatric nurse with her, but say that the home may not be right for her and she may need to be sectioned.
I just can believe this nightmare wont end. If she is sectioned do peole think that she will be in a psychiatric facility for the rest of her life, or is there a possibility that she will be stabilised and the home may agree to take her back?
Any supportive words, or advice at this stage really would be very welcome...
After all the trauma with Mum, her abusive partner and all of our concerns with that, things just keep getting worse.
She made a suicide attempt a week ago (climbed out of a window upstairs - the carer saved her) and was nearly sectioned then - 3 police officers, 3 paramedics and several hours of discussion ended up with my family agree to stay with her and the carer until we could find a secure home for her.
Found a lovely home for her and took her there to live yesterday. Initially my brothers and I were pleasantly suprised at how calm she seemed - happy to see us, and she loved the room that I had filled with lots of her treasured furniture and prictures. However, when she started to ask questions about going home, the staff told us we should leave now and we practically ran as they told us to.
I REALLY thought things would settle and all the stress for me and my family would start to reduce. No - the home rang this morning to say Mum had about 45 minutes sleep last night - spent all night bashing her hands on the window and trying to climb out (even though they dont open >1 inch.) Her hands were swollen and bloody this morning and she had upset all the other residents as they cant understand why she is making so much fuss. The home have put a one to one psychiatric nurse with her, but say that the home may not be right for her and she may need to be sectioned.
I just can believe this nightmare wont end. If she is sectioned do peole think that she will be in a psychiatric facility for the rest of her life, or is there a possibility that she will be stabilised and the home may agree to take her back?
Any supportive words, or advice at this stage really would be very welcome...
What a stressful time for you and your family. I didn't see from your post what sort of facility your mum is in at the moment. If it is a care home (or even care home with dementia residents) then it may not be the best place for her at the moment. If mum is sectioned,then she will be taken somewhere more appropriate and where they are experienced with managing people with severe behavior issues. They will be able to expertly manage her medication - hopefully with a good response so she may be able to step down to somewhere suited to her needs. Don't forget in most cases where people are under a section then care should be funded by the NHS - but someone with far more knowledge than me on this matter should hopefully be able to expand on this, if you are interested. Best wishes to you, your mum and yr family at this horrible time.
Lise, let me open by saying what a terrible time you are having and how I admire the way you have had your Mum's best interests at heart.
Re sectioning; my OH was sectioned 5 times -once from his lovely CH. They didn't want to get rid of him (indeed they fought all the way to keep him there-long story which I won't go into) Pete always left the assessment ward in the MHU on a much more even keel. The Staff were highly trained in Dementia and his Consultant was a wonderful person, so don't be upset if she is sectioned. To be quite honest it may be the best thing for her. Pete was given mood stabilising drugs and something to help him sleep as he could go for 5 days and nights without even a snooze. That kind of not sleeping is excessive and does the body and mind no good at all.
Have the CH/NH called in the Crisis team or anyone else who can get the ball rolling? Please ask them what their opinion is-always better to be in agreement.
By the way don't forget to inform ALL parties involved not to let that man visit your Mum. Personally I think she could be mixing him up with your late Dad and feeling grief for him. I wish you luck.
Love,
Lyn T XX
Re sectioning; my OH was sectioned 5 times -once from his lovely CH. They didn't want to get rid of him (indeed they fought all the way to keep him there-long story which I won't go into) Pete always left the assessment ward in the MHU on a much more even keel. The Staff were highly trained in Dementia and his Consultant was a wonderful person, so don't be upset if she is sectioned. To be quite honest it may be the best thing for her. Pete was given mood stabilising drugs and something to help him sleep as he could go for 5 days and nights without even a snooze. That kind of not sleeping is excessive and does the body and mind no good at all.
Have the CH/NH called in the Crisis team or anyone else who can get the ball rolling? Please ask them what their opinion is-always better to be in agreement.
By the way don't forget to inform ALL parties involved not to let that man visit your Mum. Personally I think she could be mixing him up with your late Dad and feeling grief for him. I wish you luck.
Love,
Lyn T XX