Hello,
I'm a newbie to Talking Point so thought I'd introduce myself.
11 weeks ago my Mum left me permanently. 13 years ago she started to leave me through vascular dementia. Between then and now I've dealt with various losses, as I'm sure you all have too.
I did OK with Mum's disease in the early days when she was still a bit like the Mum I knew and loved. I struggled with the middle years when she became someone aggressive and unpleasant - and I distanced myself at this time (this is where my guilt kicks in now and again - but I've been experiencing that now and again for years). 8 years ago Dad and I chose a home for her to move to - this was probably about the last time she knew who I was. 4 years ago my Dad died and I, as the only child, took up POA and administration duties. And was the prime visitor. I live 250+ miles away from where she was living, so I was a monthly visitor and supplemented my visits with postcards - mainly made from photos of her, or the family. I enjoyed this re-engaging process, and looked forward to my visits.
Last June she had a bad chest infection and I almost lost her. But she was a strong lady and battled on, and I was truly delighted to be able to deliver her back to her care home. I savoured my monthly visits to her as it felt like these were a gift that I could have lost. In early January she had another, milder, chest infection and recovered, and then at the end of January came one infection too far (possibly swallow reflex related) and she went into A&E on a Saturday morning. I met her there on Saturday afternoon. On Sunday morning they withdrew active treatment and I basically stayed by her side until Wednesday morning when she left me. That was 11 weeks ago.
I almost certainly didn't grieve for Dad "properly" as instead I focused on Mum, and her care and making sure she was as comfortable as she could be. So in some respects I'm now grieving for both of them, and in some respects more for Dad.
When Dad died I missed being able to call him, email him, text him. I missed being able to get a huge hug when I arrived at the house. I missed so many things. Because of the state of Mum's disease - she had very advanced dementia - I've missed these things from Mum longer than Dad has been gone.
So, that's my introduction.
I've been having some bereavement counselling over the past few weeks. Mainly because my company offers it as part of a benefits package and I've been trying all sorts of things to see what helps (books, pilates, meditation etc). Last night my counsellor asked if I realised it was very early to be having counselling. But then also said something about it being a long time since I've had "functioning parents" (my term not hers). I'm not sure the counsellor understands the gradual loss that dementia brings with it and the impact on our lives. Which makes me wonder if I should try someone/something else?
So, has anyone had any bereavement counseling? And did you find someone who did understood the difference that dementia brings? Do you even think it is different?
Thanks for reading,
J
I'm a newbie to Talking Point so thought I'd introduce myself.
11 weeks ago my Mum left me permanently. 13 years ago she started to leave me through vascular dementia. Between then and now I've dealt with various losses, as I'm sure you all have too.
I did OK with Mum's disease in the early days when she was still a bit like the Mum I knew and loved. I struggled with the middle years when she became someone aggressive and unpleasant - and I distanced myself at this time (this is where my guilt kicks in now and again - but I've been experiencing that now and again for years). 8 years ago Dad and I chose a home for her to move to - this was probably about the last time she knew who I was. 4 years ago my Dad died and I, as the only child, took up POA and administration duties. And was the prime visitor. I live 250+ miles away from where she was living, so I was a monthly visitor and supplemented my visits with postcards - mainly made from photos of her, or the family. I enjoyed this re-engaging process, and looked forward to my visits.
Last June she had a bad chest infection and I almost lost her. But she was a strong lady and battled on, and I was truly delighted to be able to deliver her back to her care home. I savoured my monthly visits to her as it felt like these were a gift that I could have lost. In early January she had another, milder, chest infection and recovered, and then at the end of January came one infection too far (possibly swallow reflex related) and she went into A&E on a Saturday morning. I met her there on Saturday afternoon. On Sunday morning they withdrew active treatment and I basically stayed by her side until Wednesday morning when she left me. That was 11 weeks ago.
I almost certainly didn't grieve for Dad "properly" as instead I focused on Mum, and her care and making sure she was as comfortable as she could be. So in some respects I'm now grieving for both of them, and in some respects more for Dad.
When Dad died I missed being able to call him, email him, text him. I missed being able to get a huge hug when I arrived at the house. I missed so many things. Because of the state of Mum's disease - she had very advanced dementia - I've missed these things from Mum longer than Dad has been gone.
So, that's my introduction.
I've been having some bereavement counselling over the past few weeks. Mainly because my company offers it as part of a benefits package and I've been trying all sorts of things to see what helps (books, pilates, meditation etc). Last night my counsellor asked if I realised it was very early to be having counselling. But then also said something about it being a long time since I've had "functioning parents" (my term not hers). I'm not sure the counsellor understands the gradual loss that dementia brings with it and the impact on our lives. Which makes me wonder if I should try someone/something else?
So, has anyone had any bereavement counseling? And did you find someone who did understood the difference that dementia brings? Do you even think it is different?
Thanks for reading,
J