Can my sister stop me seeing my mum ? :-(

[BlueSocks]

Hello, this is my first post. My mum has dementia and is being cared for at home by one of my sisters who has decided to move in with her - I have been trying to gain access to my mum but the doors are locked with key in the other side and when I have tried to phone / text I get no response - my other sister is allowed in and says that I need to contact social services - I have always had a good relationship with my mum - unlike the sister who is now looking after her :-( I feel that she is taking control of her but don't know where to turn - my other sister says I should speak to SS as they will take into account 'past history' ie: the previous incidents with my sister/lack of care before she had dementia ... all I want us to be able to spend some quality time with my mum while she still knows who I am :-( ps: my mother has been assessed and has capacity - there is no LPA or POA as far as I know

 

[Jessbow]

Sounds like you and yoursister need to sort out issues between yourself. Clearly you dont rate her 'care' skills, yet she's moved in to do it.

I dont know if SS would actually be interested in the fact that your sister wont let you in - they might if you had serious concerns about your mothers health and welfare, but how you'd prove any concern if you cannot access your mum I dont really know.

Unless there was a serious incedent in the past, again, I dont suppose SS will be interested. At the end of the day SS dont have the power to tell your sister to move out or to let you in.

Why is the sister inbetween not mediating?

 

[Delphie]

I'm sure there's a long back story here, but, taking things on face value, if you can't get into your mum's house and your texts and calls aren't being answered, I'd contact the police and act (not even that - you are) very worried. Not so much with accusations about the sister and what she might be doing, but simply with concern that your mum is unwell and you suddenly you can't contact her etc. I expect at the very least you'll get someone to accompany you to the property. What happens next will depend on whether the sister opens up, but if the door remains closed and there is not sound or sight of mum, I'd fully expect the police to investigate.

If the sister does open the door to the police, then you might be able to get an opportunity to clarify, in front of an 'official' third party, why she's denying you access.

Obviously, it's possible that all this might be very stressful for mum, if she's present and, perhaps, confused about what's going on. But if the sister hasn't had a brilliant relationship with your mum in the past, and if there are valid concerns about this current situation, then temporarily upsetting mum might be a price worth paying.

I say all the above not because I've been in a similar situation but because I did have cause to contact the police a few times while my mum was still at home. They were quite dementia aware and keen to help.

 

[BlueSocks]

Thank you - I am not too concerned about mums health as other family members are visiting her too - they have tried to mediate but my sister is adamant that I'm not allowed to see her - I suspect that she is trying to turn mum against me by saying bad things but I cannot prove it - I don't want to risk upsetting mum at all :-(

Someone mentioned to me about 'past history' being a factor - I know that if my mother knew her own mind my sister would be the last person she would want looking after her (she did not visit her for several years until recently) it's a heartbreaking situation and a sister who has not bothered for many years is now mums main carer !!! I know the main issue is that mum is being cared for which she is but I cannot understand how someone can actually stop me from seeing her :-(

 

[halojones]

Hello Bluesocks

Your sister cannot stop you seeing your mum, in fact she could get into a lot of trouble in stopping you.She cannot deny your mum contact with her daughter..I know this because I have 3 sisters(I live with mum).at first i thought your post was one of my sis! The s.w. is arranging for my sis to see our mum(I have not stopped them,they have refused mediation and were all squabbling before I got involved) My advise to you is first get in touch with the s.w., I would ask for mediation to get the issues resolved. If your sister refuses mediation, then the s.w will ask your mum(without your sister present) if she wishes to see you, of course your mum will, then the s.w. will arrange for you to see your mum..Try not to involve the police as it will only make a fragile situation worse.It is actually against the law for your sister to deny your mum contact with you,her daughter..I was told this by a solicitor(you can get free legal advice at the C.Centre and A Z)and a judge will remove your sister and she could be jailed, she is not in a position to deny you access, weather she lives with your mum or not..So get in touch with the S.W. first,..It is awful when there is unescerrary conflict and petty arguments, this is such an important time for everyone, if you can, try and smooth it over with your sister, offer to help, as it really is better to be civil and communicating than estranged...But you do have rights..Let us know how you get on, take care x

 

[BlueSocks]

Your sister cannot stop you seeing your mum, in fact she could get into a lot of trouble in stopping you.She cannot deny your mum contact with her daughter..I know this because I have 3 sisters(I live with mum).at first i thought your post was one of my sis! The s.w. is arranging for my sis to see our mum(I have not stopped them,they have refused mediation and were all squabbling before I got involved) My advise to you is first get in touch with the s.w., I would ask for mediation to get the issues resolved. If your sister refuses mediation, then the s.w will ask your mum(without your sister present) if she wishes to see you, of course your mum will, then the s.w. will arrange for you to see your mum..Try not to involve the police as it will only make a fragile situation worse.It is actually against the law for your sister to deny your mum contact with you,her daughter..I was told this by a solicitor(you can get free legal advice at the C.Centre and A Z)and a judge will remove your sister and she could be jailed, she is not in a position to deny you access, weather she lives with your mum or not..So get in touch with the S.W. first,..It is awful when there is unescerrary conflict and petty arguments, this is such an important time for everyone, if you can, try and smooth it over with your sister, offer to help, as it really is better to be civil and communicating than estranged...But you do have rights..Let us know how you get on, take care x

Thank you so much !!! This has put my mind at rest I was beginning to think I was going mad and no one on my side and other family members don't want to get involved as they are stressed and upset enough. If my mum had told me she didn't want to see me then I would have to accept it but I feel my sister is speaking for her when this is not what she wants - I don't for a second believe my mum would refuse to see me and other family agree - I don't want to get my sister into trouble, however, and certainly don't want her jailed but at least I have something I can say to her - I will speak with SW and probably speak to solicitor too - thank you for taking the trouble to respond it means a lot I will let you know what happens

 

[halojones]

Unfortunately blue socks, not everyone does the right thing when someone has dementia....In fact , some people/family can and do behave really badly. .. Its awful, and just adds to the stress and sadness of it all......All the best x..

 

[BlueSocks]

This is just an update for those who kindly responded and for anyone in a similar position.

I have spoken to mums social worker who basically does not want to get involved and she actually told me to phone Citizens Advice !!! I did not but I have spoken with a solicitor who specialises in elderly issues. He said that my sister is acting as a gatekeeper and inflicting undue influence upon my mum and what is happening is not in mums best interests - he said the next stage is for me to speak with the Vulnerable Adults Officer at the Local Authority and voice my concerns to them.

Thanks to all who have taken time to read and respond. I hope I make progress before mum deteriorates :-(

 

[di65]

This is just an update for those who kindly responded and for anyone in a similar position.

I have spoken to mums social worker who basically does not want to get involved and she actually told me to phone Citizens Advice !!! I did not but I have spoken with a solicitor who specialises in elderly issues. He said that my sister is acting as a gatekeeper and inflicting undue influence upon my mum and what is happening is not in mums best interests - he said the next stage is for me to speak with the Vulnerable Adults Officer at the Local Authority and voice my concerns to them.

Thanks to all who have taken time to read and respond. I hope I make progress before mum deteriorates :-(

This is an unexplainable reaction from the SW. What does she regard as her duties for goodness sake Can you go to her superior and tell her/him of this cowardly reaction? Doesn't want to get involved? - RIDICULOUS!!!!!!!

 

[Doormat]

My sister HAS managed to stop me seeing my mum. It's a mess.

Sorry I've put this post in the wrong place. I've reposted in a new thread.