Still lost!

[Sasky]

The best thing about this forum is that we are able to open our hearts and say exactly how we feel. I cannot tell my siblings or friends my true feelings as they don't understand how I feel. Grief like dementia is individual and depending on our individual circumstances before and after losing the person we love does shape how we feel and deal with it. For some of us it is harder coming to terms with our loss especially if you are on your own.

For this reason it is so good to be able to express your feelings on the forum without anyone being judgemental and it is important that it remains like this.

My mum and I was never apart for the whole of my 61 years which is why I feel her loss so deeply. She was not just my Mum but my best friend and I loved her so very very much so losing her is like losing a big part of me as well. I am fully aware of different things I can do but I need the time to grieve as I won't be any good to anyone else while I feel my loss so very deeply

Carabosse and lexi it will be so good to hear from you so we know you are ok

Sasky

 

[lexy]

Hello Sasky

From what you have said I would think your situation with your mum was like mine, if you are very close to someone for a very long time it is so difficult to cope with the bond that has been broken, and for me, there is no bond like the one you have with your mum. I do not have children and I am divorced so the distractions of other family members is not there. I have been without my mum longer than you but I do feel that I don't "work" as well as I used to, something seems to have gone wrong with my mechanics. I try to tell myself that the piece of me that is missing is with my mum and I am glad for her to have this part of me. All our circumstances are different and so we will all deal with our grief in a way that suits us best.

I cope better with my grief than I used to but sometimes something may still trigger the tears. I don't, and have not felt like a whole person since my mum died but I do know that my mum would not want me to be sad.

I have not been posting as much because I have been having problems with my laptop and getting internet access, I don't know if it my Windows 8 or T-Mobile that are causing the problems

Take care


Lexy

 

[lexy]

Hello Carabosse

Hope you are okay, please let me know, as I said to Sasky I have not been posting because of problems with laptop, although it is quite new!

I was having a coffee with a friend who lost her husband to cancer six months ago, she is in the depths of despair and being bothered by the "guilt monster". She goes to the hospice and has counselling which she says helps but someone (not from the hospice) told her to get a grip, how people can be so insensitive beggars belief.

Do you still see the cat, let me know if she is okay.

Are you still having counselling and if so, is it helping. I know you just want your mum back, I had this feeling for a long time but it does ease and there were many times I thought I would end it all, but I know that is not the answer.

Go at a speed that suits you on this journey.


Look after yourself and be nice to hear from you.


Lexy

 

[molly11]

Hi everyone,
I do feel amazed but very pleased that this thread has continued. It seems to me that there's so many of us suffering, but lovely that we give each support, and more importantly, that the support continues. I, for one, need and appreciate it. I'm so sick of being told I'm "strong" Well, I'm not bloody strong, but with 3 kids, what choice do I have? Lying in bed everyday is my choice, but then, my choice was to have 3 children, so that is what I do.
Please don't get me wrong, I love them and they do keep me going. But I've not been allowed to grieve, because there's 3 little people that need me. You can't grieve when you're a single parent (and Daddy is so far removed from my Dad, it's laughable)
Carabosse, please post something, I'm getting worried about you. I know it isn't what you need, but we all care about you on here.
X


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[Carabosse]

I am still here, although not that often. Some days I feel like I could stay in bed, its like what is the point of getting up, I seem to have lost my purpose, i.e. mum.
My dad passed away a few years ago, I am now mourning him as well since I now have the time to do that properly, according to the lady at Cruse my focus switched to mum when dad passed, you know 'got to stay strong for her' even though she wasn't ill at that time. Now they are both gone I have guilt monster for both of them, more for mum as she has not long passed.

My sessions with Cruse have now ended but apparently I can re apply to see someone in about 6 months or so, but I will be seeing my Dr (the new one, as the other one semi retired) later in the week so see what he suggests.

Every night I pray for my mum back, I also include dad in the message as well, I know they won't come back but I still ask.
The 'real' dreams are still occurring every night, some of them are nightmares and I have to get up to break them, used to be I could just turn over but that doesn't work anymore.
Some times I feel scared about going to sleep as I know when I wake that I am on my own, even though it takes a few minutes to realise that as I think maybe mum passing was a dream, its not but how I wish it was a dream and I would find her in the house in the morning.

Mum and I had an in joke (after dad passed) that we were like an old married couple, we went and did everything together, did the shopping, went for lunch or coffee, went on trips, to the Dr's/ hospital, everything, we even finished each others sentences. How do I get used to not having that anymore? I asked myself what am I supposed to do the other day, it is so quiet in the house, yes I talk to myself and mum (dad as well at times) but its not the same without having her physically here. It is like my other half is missing, no other way I can describe it.

The cat is here, asleep in a new bed I bought her. Well its actually one of those cradle things you can hang on the radiator, she loves it, dam difficult to get her out of it! She also goes nuts for her mouse on a elastic toy, think it has picked up some catnip from being dragged on the floor!

 

[Tin]

One day at a time, you'll get there. Ah catnip, marijuana for cats!

 

[WIFE]

Know what you mean about hardly being able to get out of bed - but the dog has to be let out each morning, the birds fed in the garden, the runner bean seeds watered in the veg patch - and then I'm up! So I just try to get through another day until its time to get back into bed. Each day gets a little bit easier for me so be kind to yourself and hopefully you will feel better and stronger soon. Nothing will bring your loved ones back - doesn't mean you have to forget them but learn to live your life again with good memories of happier times spent with them. Loving thoughts WIFE.

 

[J2e]

My dad passed away a few years ago, I am now mourning him as well since I now have the time to do that properly, according to the lady at Cruse my focus switched to mum when dad passed, you know 'got to stay strong for her' even though she wasn't ill at that time. Now they are both gone I have guilt monster for both of them, more for mum as she has not long passed.

This is familiar. I'm in a similar situation of double grief even tho there were 4 years between their deaths. It'll take some work.

Best wishes to you

 

[molly11]

Hello everyone,
Thankyou for posting, Carabosse. I know you're not "ok", but I'm glad you could post.
Your last post made me well up and I wish I had the answers for you.
Can I just say, though, that despite what you believe, you are doing better than you think. You are getting up each day, getting on with your day, even though it feels stagnant. You are interested in your visitor cat and taking the trouble to have an interest in other things. It's so so hard and such a long, lonley road.
Can I say, they this thread is a godsend to me and I'm sure to others. There is your second "good thing" I am very greatful to this thread.
Please try to take care of yourself, we may not be "real-life" friends, but I think I echo others, when I say we care about what happens to you and how you are
X


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[Carabosse]

Bought the cat another toy, it has crinkly sounding bits in the legs (think its supposed to be an octopus?), but she goes nuts for it as well. Tries biting it, licking the covering off of it, etc.

Hi J2e, my dad passed in 1992, mum 2014 so there was a big gap between them so I have a heck of a lot of grieving to catch up on, hence its not easy.

Thanks molly11 I care about you guys as well, wondering how you all are even though I may be having a yucky day I wonder if you guys are ok?
I am glad the thread has been of help to you and others, that was the whole point of it, as I figured if this is how I am feeling or thinking others must be as well, but maybe not wanting to admit exactly how they are feeling if you know what I mean?

WIFE, runner beans already? I have only just got the garden rotavated (sp)a guy did it for me, have peas and that waiting to go in that I sowed but the weather has been c rap, not too mention we are about a month or so behind with the weather up here!

 

[WIFE]

Ah Carrabosse - forgot to mention those little blighters the resident mice who appear to have eaten all the runner bean seed! Down here in the South everything is suddenly flourishing with a bit of moisture and heat though today it has rained non-stop since 8 a.m. and some very heavy indeed. So the new runner bean seeds no doubt will rot in the ground. Hope your pain eases gradually as I am hopeful mine will.
In the last nine years I've said goodbye to mother, beloved younger brother, husband and two very best school days friends. All my family gone but as I said before the dog can't feed herself so just have to keep going for her. Will be thinking of you and wishing good things. WIFE

 

[Sasky]

We have much to thank our animals for they give us a purpose and help us carry on when it would be so easy to give up but they need us x

 

[Carabosse]

I have only managed to plant 1 row of potatoes, and that wasn't easy since I can't bend at the moment due to my back!

Well the cat has been asleep on my lap for like 4hrs straight, so made sure I didn't need the bathroom, had some juice and a snack so I didn't have to move! As I said for a cat that's not mine, she is sure behaving like she lives with me instead of a few doors up the road, but she is company for me so I'm ok with her being here.

I will be seeing a psychiatrist in the coming weeks/ months, as my new Dr seems to think that they might be able to offer a better care package to help me, so watch this space as the saying goes.
I don't have any siblings, as for aunts and uncles they are still alive (some of them) but not to me, they weren't that interested in mum and me before she passed, the last time I saw them was at mums funeral, so to me they are gone as well.

 

[grouse]

This thread is such a comfort to me, to know I'm not so alone and going slowly mad with grieving. My mum died nearly 3 years ago, I can't believe that now. I don't feel like I've ever stopped missing her and dad, who died 17 years ago. I just feel lost without them and without the family home to go back to.

My siblings live hundreds of miles away and never shared mums care, or my grief. As you said carabosse, they are lost to me now, like your aunts are. My past has gone now, theres no one to share it with.

I feel the loss of my mum like a boulder sitting on my chest, its deep inside me and nothing seems to move it. I dont know what to do about it, I've had counselling from cruse, I've got on with life and carried on, but when I stop, like today, its sitting on my chest and I can't move it.

I feel so lonely and lost without my parents, I was effectively an only child. I wish I had been an only child, my older siblings lack of interest in mum or me makes me feel even lonelier than I am. They've never even asked how I am, even though I took care of mum by myself for years, since dad died. Oh well, you can't change people can you, but my god it hurts.

I just wanted to say I'm thinking of everyone here and wondering how you all are xx

 

[Sasky]

Oh grouse you have articulated so well how you are feeling after the loss of your Mum and Dad. I too feel like this and like you value this thread as we all know exactly how we all feel.

Each day is very hard to face and we all hide our feelings to those who ask how we are, but on this thread we can be ourselves which is so welcoming

I am thinking of everyone too x

 

[lexy]

Hello Grouse

I have these same feelings and I am not an only child but my brother is one in name only, sadly. It is hard when you have to cope with loss without much support, time does help but the boulder, as you say, seems to be difficult to move. I get on with my life but the feeling of loss and that something is missing does not leave me.

As you say, at least on TP we know we are not alone in feeling the way we do and as Sasky has said we can be ourselves on here which helps and we don't have to pretend that everything is fine, which we know is not the case.

Take care

Lexy

 

[Carabosse]

I doubt I would move from the house I am in now as it holds many memories, I would like to move to the middle of the countryside if I could, but I couldn't move now. It may sound a stupid reason for not moving, to be honest I don't care. Anyway mum and dad are laid to rest here, so I wouldn't be able to visit them if I moved.

Like you Grouse I took care of mum once dad passed, she wasn't ill then but it was a case of be strong for her, then when she did become ill I was there 24/7, so its difficult to get used to being on your own and trying to get on with your own life.

I try and put on a brave face when I have to go out, its a case of smile and try and walk on so I don't have to talk to anyone unless I have to, but underneath I am breaking apart, crying my eyes out. Unless you have lost someone to this condition people haven't got a clue.

 

[molly11]

Hi everyone,
Sorry I haven't posted for some time.
I was told the first year was the hardest by some people, but the first few weeks of the 2nd year, hit me badly. I felt like I was right back where I was last May, with the deep grief and that awful physical chest pain.
Mum and I are still trying to deal with a Dad's ashes- we both feel guilty that he is sitting in the spare room, alone. But it seems so final, somehow to place or scatter his ashes.
Carabosse, I totally understand why you couldn't move now. Mum was going to sell up as she is struggling financially, but thankfully, a few friends have stepped in and given her great advice and a loan and she is so relieved that she doesn't have to sell and leave all the memories behind.
Thinking of you all, as ever.
X


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[elizabet]

Hi Carabosse, How is the garden progressing this year?
Is the cat still visiting you?
Hope you are a little bit nearer the entrance to your tunnel and your new doctor is being helpful.
best regards, Elizabeth.

 

[Carabosse]

Hi molly11, I know what you mean, on July 7th it will be one year and 5 months since mum passed and it isn't getting any easier.
I don't think your dad will mind being in the spare room as he knows this will be difficult for you all, when the time is right and you find an ideal spot to put his ashes you will know what to do.

Hi elizabet, the garden is progressing slowly. I still have some potatoes to plant but they are the late crop so I have time, the weather hasn't helped as its been really wet and windy for sowing anything but I have some seeds done.
I have bruises on both legs now from kneeling down as I have to go onto my knees to plant things as I can't bend my big toe on one foot right now, so can't go onot the ball of my foot!
The new Dr is ok, but doesn't have the same mannerisms as my old one, its not that I don't trust him but I feel like I can't tell him everything or exactly how I am. Hopefully that will change in the near future?
As for the tunnel, I'm still in the middle, I feel like I am not moving, or if I do its one step forward three steps back.