Manipulating, aggressive and Driving knowing she has been banned.

[Essie]

Just wanted to say well dome Janey, making that initial call must have been very hard but it was so necessary - and I think you've coined a great phrase with 'No-one ever said 'right' was easiest' - how true!

Thoroughly enjoy your time with your daughter - as much as you can try and leave your worries about things here, here and pick up with it again when you come back - not only will a complete break do you good but your daughter deserves your attention and you both deserve quality time together.

My one bit of advice would be to keep a record of everybody involved, dates, promises made, deadlines given etc. if you need to pull people up on things or chase stuff it's so much easier with all the details to hand.

Good luck.

 

[RedLou]

Janey - one other thing - my OH works with people with dementia, including a group with early onset dementia - people in their 40s and 50s. This group has a lot more self-awareness than late onset patients. All of the EOD people, without fail, give us the same advice: live your life now; do not assume you'll be able to take that holiday in the future; don't sacrifice your own dreams. All of them know my father has dementia and none of them say I should sacrifice myself any more than I have done (considerable - loosing house thanks to loss of income looking after his affairs). They all counsel us to think of ourselves.
I think that's what your lovely dad is saying to you. Dementia can be a tyrant that rules every waking second of your life. It should not be.
*hugs*

 

[Familyfairy]

Thank you all for your replies. I took matters into my own hands again yesterday morning and at 9 rang the mental health team, told them everything that happened over weekend and that if they didn't listen now they could have two dead or injured old people on their hands and serious Incident reviews looming. Within the hour her GP (useless up to now) has been ringing them offering support, mental health team talked about bringing her in(sectioning.) for assessment but at last minute arranged Consultant Psychiatrist to assess today so let's see what happens. Her Mental health OT has been very proactive and I do feel she is now being listened to as well.
Just feel that at last they are seeing how bad it's becoming and more help needed.
Will post again, thank you again.

Well done Janey - I've going through a very similar situation with my father. and I know just how awful and upsetting it is. I've hidden the car keys and the DVLA have been informed. But the vile comments from Dad have been difficult to put aside. It's so hard, isn't it?

 

[janey106]

The drama continues .... Following meeting with Consultant Psychiatrist yesterday, Mum still on a mission, aggressive, argumentative, rang her Sister 7 times before lunch to say she needed to come and stay with her (her 70 yr old sister's OH also has early stages of dementia and she couldn't possibly look after Mum even overnight and keep her safe). OT calls again and she is all quiet and sad but then turns back into a she-devil as soon as she left. Turns nasty with Dad and when I ring at 4 screams down the phone that she wants her car keys back. Ignored it and asked for Dad. Dad tells me heard nothing about urgent new med's. I ring surgery, know nothing, ring mental health team and the Consultant Psyc rings me. Letter still waiting to be typed with new medications "one of which should calm her in 30 mins". Would it really have been too much to ask to assume this letter could have been prioritised? Otherwise had very constructive discussion with him for 40 mins and able to provide him with a lot of history and background. He in turn, clearly stated his medical and legal position and options which was really helpful. Even gave his personal mobile if needed. Gives me instructions to double two of her medication dosages this evening.
I go up to house, Mum vile and insulting, then flounces off. Found a 'running away' bag she had been packing all day and inside find toothbrush, sweets, two scarves, pair of gloves, load of med's (clear she hasn't been taking them again properly)' load of keys (latest fixation) and an 8 inch carving knife...... Had heard her bang something down on sideboard before she went off and it proved to be Dad's 'missing' spare car key for his car. Think she had it all along and planned to drive his car until she saw mine parked behind it.
Turns up 40 mins later at my Sisters and now 'sweet old lady again', surreal. But at least we now know Psychiatrist on board and I had chance to fully brief Dad who is finally accepting the extent of problem and he will support her being admitted if it comes to it. He is also going to start registering the POAs we have had for 2 years with banks etc as he can see how quickly it is changing. Roll on Saturday, think I will sleep first 2 days ... This is all so consuming and exhausting.
I so appreciate the supportive comments from everyone.
Thank you
Janey

 

[Van Nimwegen]

persevere. It took me 5 years for anyone to listen. I have been mums carer for 9 years. They only sat up and listened when mum became violent and started to hit me with her cane. Nobody should have to put up with this type of behaviour, whether the person is sick or not. Call mental health team. Badger them. Keep a diary. Don't take no for an answer. Hugs.

 

[Essie]

Oh janey what a day! Your poor Dad, and you and of course your poor Mum So glad you found the 'running away' bag - without being over dramatic might it be an idea to clear out all knives, scissors etc. or lock them in something (even a suitcase would do) just to make things a bit safer, same for keys maybe?

I too can't believe that the letter for Mum's new meds wasn't done there and then but at least you'll know to ask for that in the future.

I'm glad too that you've been able to have a good chat with your Dad, it must be terribly hard for him to accept the changes in your Mum and so many emotions going on at the same time - I'm sure he is hugely appreciative of having your support and help.

Do try and rest and relax on your holiday - you have more than earned it!

 

[canary]

Hi janey I do hope the meds improve things and Im glad your dad has taken things more onboard now. I bet you were worried when you found that knife in her "going away bag"

Its so difficult when they just have no insight.

 

[Miss Merlot]

Trigger are you actually reading this thread....???

 

[trigger]

Yes I have Merlot but I obviously have a different view , There are thousands of people with Dementia listing or reading so much negative reports , and very few supporting and giving the person with dementia advice on how to continue live life continue Driving in accordance with the Law I’m trying to give them the positives they don’t have to give because they might case an accident god forbid we would go outside the house how safe is your Bus driver, Train Driver, Taxi Driver, your Pilot if flying , or any Driver we just don’t know !! ok the Law as it stand require dementia a person with a diagnoses of dementia and other illness to inform DVLA , it is then the professionals who decide is that person should Drive, these people are not criminals

 

[ellejay]

In this case Trigger, the OP states her mother has been banned, so would be driving illegally.
Lin x

 

[jaymor]

My husband continued to drive for four years post diagnosis of Alzheimer's. Each year he was tested and given a new license for 12 months.

I am a driver and I knew for several months before his last test that he had reached the stage that he needed to stop. No one was more relieved than me when his test showed that he was not up to driving any more, the professionals agreed with me. I am also sure that he also realised and was relieved when he was told that his license would not be renewed.

We are all different whether with or without dementia, my cousin gave up driving because she said there was no longer any pleasure to be had from driving and is happy to go by bus or taxi. She is not 60 yet and is an advanced driver. Some people living with dementia drive for many years after diagnosis, others need to stop soon after diagnosis.

 

[trigger]

In this case Trigger, the OP states her mother has been banned, so would be driving illegally.
Lin x

Hi Ellejay Thanks yes I have read that, and obviously a major problem and worry for her family very difficult situation not only is she braking the law but wouldn’t covered by insurance and as yes she must be stopped immediately.

I don’t think I ever disagreed , however Talking Point or Alzheimer’s Society in general gives all the different types of dementia diagnoses how to claim benefits advise to Careers ect pages and pages of information , “ Yes that Great” But although there are thousands of people living active lives with dementia diagnoses all I read is negatives , I' trying to talk to those with the condition obey the Law and carry on live life to the full do not give up or give in "Death will come soon enough "

, Sorry Ellejay I don’t see these Dementia suffers getting any support on T.P ok again only my view
and I don't approve of any Law being Broken including Driving

 

[Onlyme]

In my mother's case she didn't know or believe there was anything wrong with her. She didn't remember she had been told she had AD, didn't know she had been told she must stop driving by the authorities, didn't know she would be a very high risk to road users. Was I supposed to sit by and explain it all once again, her nod and get straight back into the car? No, of course not. There are times when we the family have to jump in to protect our loved ones and the innocent public.

To get back to the point of this thread Janey you must go. I'm sure your sister will keep you up to date. A crisis will happen when it happens but now she is on the radar your Dad and sister will be able to get the help your Mum needs much faster. I hope you have a great time away.

 

[RedLou]

, Sorry Ellejay I don’t see these Dementia suffers getting any support on T.P ok again only my view

This forum is for carers and as such exists to support them, not those with dementia. There is another forum for those with dementia which doubtless has a different tone and of course the Alzheimer's Society exists to support those with dementia and really all its work its focussed that way.
As this specific thread was started by Janey, and it is plain that she is anguished and in need of support, the posts on here have concentrated on doing this. It should also be added that in acting as Janey has she is supporting her mother as well as her father. This forum, in fact, is peopled by those who offer dementia sufferers support, not in posts, but in day by day 24-hour exhausting thankless actions.

 

[LYN T]

, Sorry Ellejay I don’t see these Dementia suffers getting any support on T.P ok again only my view
and I don't approve of any Law being Broken including Driving

Trigger-I have to disagree. Yes the Forum is focused on support for Carers-after all it is Carers who do the vast majority of posting- however, we do have people who have been diagnosed with dementia, or who are suffering from memory problems, who do get responses from posters. The Dementia sufferers are valued members of the Forum who so kindly give Carers insight into the condition.

Driving has always been a concern on this Forum, rightly so IMO, and I'm sure Carers do not restrict a person's right to drive just because of a diagnosis of Dementia; it's when the driving gets dangerous that concerns arise.

The OP had already stated that driving was not an issue as the car had been disabled-quite rightly IMO. Therefore, your repeated listings outlining who could drive, or not drive, was probably over arguing whatever point you were trying to make.

Janey-first I hope you enjoy your time with your Daughter-your Dad sounds so lovely to have said what he did. Re. sectioning; my late OH was sectioned 5 times to a MH assessment unit. Each time his meds were 'tweaked' and he either returned to me, or latterly, to his CH. Sometimes meds take time to work so it maybe appropriate for your Mum to be sectioned. You have proactively done all you could have done to help your Mum and Dad so good for you.

Take care

Lyn T XX

 

[Essie]

This forum is for carers and as such exists to support them, not those with dementia. There is another forum for those with dementia which doubtless has a different tone and of course the Alzheimer's Society exists to support those with dementia and really all its work its focussed that way.
As this specific thread was started by Janey, and it is plain that she is anguished and in need of support, the posts on here have concentrated on doing this. It should also be added that in acting as Janey has she is supporting her mother as well as her father. This forum, in fact, is peopled by those who offer dementia sufferers support, not in posts, but in day by day 24-hour exhausting thankless actions.

I agree Redlou, couldn't have put it better.

Janey, do enjoy your holiday! I do also second what Lyn T says - we can so often carry on at home, 'managing' and fearful of intervention but sometimes it really is the best thing and it may be so for your Mum.

 

[jugglingmum]

Support for dementia sufferers takes many forms, and at least 99.99999999% of posters on these forums are doing their very best to support their loved ones with dementia in the best way they can.

Supporting someone with dementia involves keeping them safe. If they have passed the point that they are safe to drive, preventing them from driving IS supporting them and acting as a responsible member of society.

I removed my mum's car keys when I realised she wasn't safe to drive, I was not aware of dementia and should have done it about 2 years beforehand. The incident that triggered the discovery of her dementia could easily have ended up in her driving the wrong way down a dual carriageway she was that agitated and confused, having got lost 100 miles from the route she should have been on. I had nightmares, waking up at 2 in the morning feeling physically sick as I had let her drive my children during this period.

I think she could have been diagnosed with dementia years before that, and I think she was safe to drive for some of that time, but when you get to the point they are not safe then the way to support them is keep them safe by not driving.

Janey, I hope your mum and dad get the support they need from the professionals to see them through this very difficult period of your mum's illness, and I hope you have a great time away with your daughter on what will be a very happy trip of a lifetime.

 

[SerenaS]

I'm going to close this discussion, as it seems to have run its course.