I am new here.My brother and myself are carers for my dad. My mum and dad were living in London where my other brother lived. By the time my brother took him to doctor for diagnosis, the dementia had progressed rapidly and he was told medication woud not help at all. This was about three and half years ago . He could do everything himself. My parents were living quite far away from my brothers house so Idecided to move them my local town. They are now living with my brother. He has got progressively worst. He onlg retains information for few seconds and asking same questions all the time. He no longer can do things by himself. The thing is in his normal life he was the gentlest person i know. Now he is very angry and will refuse to let us do things for him. He swears at ths slightest thing that upsets him. He used to go to day centre for few hours a day but now they say say can not accomodate him as he is too much hard work. I find myself getting angry when he refuses to let us do thing for him specially where hygene is concerned. Getting him to have a change of clothes or a shower is just hard work . You just keep trying again and again. Its so frustrating. Although i find it very hard i could not put him into care. I would just feel so guilty. I can his see anguish and it just upsets me so much. I thought i would share my feeling to lighten my stress.
very hard work
- Thread starter softcentre22
- Start date
Hello softcentre and welcome to TP 
I am sorry you are having such a hard time, it sounds as if you are all struggling. I know how difficult it is trying to persuade someone to accept personal care. However, I also know that confrontation rarely works. It just adds to the distress all round.
Do you have any help with your dad? It sounds as if he needs it (as do you and your brother). Has your dad had a needs assessment from the local social services, or is he financially able to pay privately for care? One way or another, help and support is needed!
By the way, have you and / or your brother got Power of Attorney for your dad, so you can pay for whatever is arranged on his behalf? And is he getting Attendance Allowance?
One further comment: I would certainly not rule out finding a care home for your dad. There are some good ones around, and sometimes it can be the kindest and best thing you can do for your loved one.
I hope you get help soon.
Sending you hugs
Lindy xx
I am sorry you are having such a hard time, it sounds as if you are all struggling. I know how difficult it is trying to persuade someone to accept personal care. However, I also know that confrontation rarely works. It just adds to the distress all round.
Do you have any help with your dad? It sounds as if he needs it (as do you and your brother). Has your dad had a needs assessment from the local social services, or is he financially able to pay privately for care? One way or another, help and support is needed!
By the way, have you and / or your brother got Power of Attorney for your dad, so you can pay for whatever is arranged on his behalf? And is he getting Attendance Allowance?
One further comment: I would certainly not rule out finding a care home for your dad. There are some good ones around, and sometimes it can be the kindest and best thing you can do for your loved one.
I hope you get help soon.
Sending you hugs
Lindy xx
Lindy has given good advice. When things get this hard you have to look for other help to protect your own well being. Your GP also should be involved if he is aggressive as there are drugs to calm him down and this is preferable to constantly being angry and difficult.
Sometimes putting our loved ones in care is the only option, especially when they are 24/7 confrontational. If a day centre could not cope with your dad then why are you expected to. Also he may be calmer in care, why not try to get some respite for a while to see how it goes. It may surprise you.
Hi.. I am new to the forum too although I have spent a lot of time over the last couple of years reading the threads on here. Dad is currently in a residential home .. we had got to the point where we were really struggling. Mum is also quite frail and partially sighted and Dad was increasingly aggressive about any personal care we had to give him.. for me, when I was there, (as I work full time and have teenage children you can imagine all the guilt that I couldn't be there all the time) but for mum this was constant. He was frustrated a lot of the time as keeping him clean was difficult- this was distressing for all of us as he has always been fastidious about his appearance and personal hygiene. Taking the decision to move him into a home was awful for all of us at the time but I can honestly say it was the best thing for him. We have been incredibly lucky to find somewhere where the staff are compassionate and caring. He says he feels safe and happy and is looked after with dignity and respect. I know that everyone's circumstances are different but I am so glad that Dad is content where he is , in fact he seems happier than when he was at home ( as hard as this has been for us!!). I hope that you find whatever is best for you … and keep reading the posts on here! Even though this is my first post, reading this forum has kept me going over the last couple of years. Take care x
sarah - can I just say how lovely it was to read your post? Residential care doesn't work for everyone, but sometimes it's not only the only option but the best option. Do please continue to post.
Thanks for such lovely replies. I am glad I joined this forum. I should have done it much earlier. I did have social services had me sign a form and part of is benefit was coming into an accoung in my name but i have not been to a solicitor to draw up powe of atorney. I think he is getting attendance allowance and my brother gets carer allowance to look after him.we have got some respite vouchers from social services but its not enough respite. We have not used these yet. Now needs care 24 /7 i am wondering if there is any other benefit he can claim. One thing i have not mentioned is I am of Asian heritage and my friends and family woud say all sorts if we put him into care. Also his cognitive power is limited and puting him into unfamiliar surroundings would probably aggravate his condition. he is so attatched to my mum that i can not separate them for long because as soon that happens he just keeps asking for mum and he can go on for hours. I think with dementia he gets depressed and keeps saying he wants to die.So a family environment is best for him at the moment. I think there will be a time when we will have to consider putting him into care.
have to change soiled clothes by force
Dads dementia has worsened considerably. The last bit of help we had was with cross Roads who provided us with a couple of hours a week respite.That expired a few weeks ago. Whereas before he used to let us clean him up after he had done his toileting, he no longer lets us do that so that we have to forcibly remove his soiled clothing. At 93 although he is of very light build, he is one hell of a strong man.There is no question of being able to coax him into anything now. He is not a happy man during and after the change.Yesterday i rang 111 to seek emergency help. They sent us a out of hours visiting doctor who checked dad out as he had a chest infection and cold sore on lips. Also asked a lot of questions.He said the social services will ring you tomorrow. We received a call saying they will come to asses but no one came. WE will have to ring them tomorrow. I feel putting him into a home might just put him into nose dive.
Dads dementia has worsened considerably. The last bit of help we had was with cross Roads who provided us with a couple of hours a week respite.That expired a few weeks ago. Whereas before he used to let us clean him up after he had done his toileting, he no longer lets us do that so that we have to forcibly remove his soiled clothing. At 93 although he is of very light build, he is one hell of a strong man.There is no question of being able to coax him into anything now. He is not a happy man during and after the change.Yesterday i rang 111 to seek emergency help. They sent us a out of hours visiting doctor who checked dad out as he had a chest infection and cold sore on lips. Also asked a lot of questions.He said the social services will ring you tomorrow. We received a call saying they will come to asses but no one came. WE will have to ring them tomorrow. I feel putting him into a home might just put him into nose dive.
