What am I letting myself in for?

icklebutterfly

Registered User
Dec 5, 2007
7
0
East Sussex
Hi Natasha and welcome to Talking Point.

Actually, I don't find your reactions extreme in the least (you may have sensed that already). You have way too much on your plate dealing with things you have to deal with that can't be put off to cope with anything else.

Guilt - it's a biggie and something we all struggle with, and it's dfiicult to deal with the guilt that comes from "Am I doing my best for the person I'm caring for?" or should that be "I must do better" . However, and this is going to sound hard, your priority is your own mental state and the care of your grandmother, and you have to harbour your resources. If that means you have to stay focused on that at the momnet, so be it.

I'll also say this though, because it's a subject that comes up time and time again on the board - don't ever say ever. Yes, you made a promise to take care of your grandmother, but there may be a time when you can no longer provided that care 24/7. If and when the time comes (and it may not) and you need to consider a care alternative, that is not breaking your promise in any real sense - you will still care, just in less hands on way.

Best wishes


Thanks Jennifer, thank you for reassuring me. I know that I won't be able to care for my nan forever, there will be a time when I need to look at alternatives, but I want to continue for as long as I can...whilst maintaining my own health and emotional well-being.
 

Squelchy

Registered User
Dec 5, 2007
25
0
Thanks Jennifer, thank you for reassuring me. I know that I won't be able to care for my nan forever, there will be a time when I need to look at alternatives, but I want to continue for as long as I can...whilst maintaining my own health and emotional well-being.

I agree. Hence why I feel we should both agree not to discuss anything about us or our future or your nan's future until after I graduate.

I think that is a pretty smart move and would be the best for both of us because it enables us to both get on with what we have to in the here and now, and cross other bridges when we come to them.
 

icklebutterfly

Registered User
Dec 5, 2007
7
0
East Sussex
Natasha, thank you for your post, and don't apologise for it being long. You've really helped to clarify the situation.

I understand how muich pressure you've been under, and yur need to sort things out yourself first. I'd be exactly the same.

Ev, I'm sorry if this is going to upset you, but you really do need to back off and concentrate on your studies for the rest of the year. It won't help anyone if you fail your finals.

Can I suggest that you talk to your student counsellor? If you don't want to do that, you could try Relate, although they usually have a long waiting list, or ring Samaritans. You really need someone to talk to, to help you sort out your feelings. I know you love Natasha, but it really isn't on to put her under emotional pressure.

Natasha, one more thought; have you asked SS for a carers assessment? That would get you access to some support without having to have your nan's agreement.

Good luck to you both. You obviously care for each other deeply. Just give it some time.

Love,

I have been advised to have a Carer's Assessment by one of my ex colleagues. As soon as Social Services get back in touch with me, I will ask about having an assessment. Plus, once things have calmed down, I am going to contact my local Carer's Centre and the local Alzheimer's Society for advice and support. Thanks Syke, you've been really helpful.
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
0
SW Scotland
No problem, Tash. I hope you'll keep in touch, now that you've found us. I know you've lots of nursing experience, but you'll find TP very supportive. You too, Ev.

Love,
 

Squelchy

Registered User
Dec 5, 2007
25
0
I'm happy to keep posting here. As I said, I want to get a good grounding in Alzheimers, so this looks like a pretty good place to start.
 

icklebutterfly

Registered User
Dec 5, 2007
7
0
East Sussex
I wasn't emotionally blackmailing her. She pushed me and pushed me to tell her because I didn't want to because I knew it wasn't fair.

I would happily set any sort of a limit she wanted on how long beefore we talk about things moving on between us, and I think 5 or 6 months would be a good one, to be perfectly frank. I just want to know she's practically and emotionally recovering and that we're in each other's lives.


Ev is right, I did ask him to always be honest with me and tell me how he was feeling. I worry about how my situation is affecting him.
 

jenniferpa

Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
39,442
0
Squelchy - can I put this to you in a gentle way? It might be best if you could see your way clear to letting Natasha have this forum as her avenue of support, rather than yours. This sounds like I want to exclude you, and that's not really true. I just think her needs are currently greater than yours, and in fact, this forum is designed for that purpose. Although I am a moderator this is just a suggestion from one poster to another (actually, if anything, I'm wearing my "Mother" hat here). If you still need our support, fair enough, but consider it, okay?

Best wishes
 

Squelchy

Registered User
Dec 5, 2007
25
0
Ev is right, I did ask him to always be honest with me and tell me how he was feeling. I worry about how my situation is affecting him.

I think if we both just agreed to give it until graduation to talk about anything even remotely related to our future or even anything else related to stuff you're dealing with you don't want to talk about and just kept our conversations pretty light until then, I would be a lot happier for obvious reasons. Is that OK with you?

Would you mind if I spoke to you on MSN for 5 minutes before I go to bed?
 

Squelchy

Registered User
Dec 5, 2007
25
0
Squelchy - can I put this to you in a gentle way? It might be best if you could see your way clear to letting Natasha have this forum as her avenue of support, rather than yours. This sounds like I want to exclude you, and that's not really true. I just think her needs are currently greater than yours, and in fact, this forum is designed for that purpose. Although I am a moderator this is just a suggestion from one poster to another (actually, if anything, I'm wearing my "Mother" hat here). If you still need our support, fair enough, but consider it, okay?

Best wishes

Of course. I'd do that in a heartbeat. Be a lurker and pick up what I can, but not post anything, if she would like that. I would be more than happy to do that.
 

jenniferpa

Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
39,442
0
You're a good boy :D Why don't the pair of you discuss it, privately if necessary, and decide. I want to reiterate - this is entirely up to you.
 

Kate P

Registered User
Jul 6, 2007
565
0
Merseyside
Hi Natasha

I would firstly like to apologise for saying I thought your actions were extreme.

I read Squelchy's post quite quickly yesterday (I was in work and should have been working!) and I mistakenly assumed that you were already in a serious relationship together, which was why I said what I did.

Having read everything since then I can see that I was very wrong in saying that. I would also like to say I admire you very much for your dedication to your nan.

I don't really want to say much more while I've already put my foot in it once but I do want to say this:

Squelchy, you sound like a good man who genuinely feels a lot for Natasha but how could it help to tell her you'd though of suicide?

When I said to you that my hubby has been my God send it is because when I have felt like all my problems have been pulling me down and drowning me, he has been the one keeping me afloat and making sure I stay above the waves. What you said to Natasha is just another burden to pull her under.

Anyway, I'm butting out now - I hope all goes well for you both together or seperately.
 

Squelchy

Registered User
Dec 5, 2007
25
0
EDIT: Never mind, I'm not posting in this thread any more. It was a mistake to make it. I'm sorry everybody.
 
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icklebutterfly

Registered User
Dec 5, 2007
7
0
East Sussex
I would just like to say thank you to everyone who has given information and advice. I'm still feeling really raw about everything and I have an awful lot to sort out.

Prior to my grandad passing away, I was fully intending to move back to my flat once the electrics have been sorted out. But now, it seems that it's unlikely and I won't be able to afford to either. So all of the stuff I have in storage will either have to come to my nan's house or I will have to get rid of it. I feel like I'm losing a part of myself and I often find myself breaking down about it, but then I feel guilty because my nan needs me so much.

There is something that I'm struggling with. My nan has about a 5 minute memory, she can't really retain anything, even important information. But she does seem to remember if she is feeling happy or sad, but then wonders why and this can make her quite upset.

When my grandad passed away (last Sunday) I did my best to explain this to her and she seemed to understand and was really upset. But, she keeps asking me where he is. I don't know how to deal with this and at the moment it brings me to tears when she asks this. So I keep explaining that he was poorly and passed away, and that he's not in any pain anymore. She gets upset again.

Then a while later, she'll ask where he is again. Am I doing the right thing? Should I tell her he's gone out for a paper or something? Am I being fair keep reminding her?

Thank you
 

Kate P

Registered User
Jul 6, 2007
565
0
Merseyside
Natasha, I'm so sorry you've got so much on your plate right now.

Can I firstly ask is there no family who can help you with this stuff? It's so much to take on by yourself.

The other reason I ask is that is there no way they can store your things for you so you don't have to get rid of them or pay for storage? How much stuff is there? Could you not use it in your room at your nan's house?

It's so hard to say about what to tell your nan in regards to your grandad's death. Each time you tell her does she remember what you have told her for any length of time? I'm wondering if she doesn't remember and so won't keep looking for him coming home from the shops whether it would be worth telling her he's at the shops to try and reduce her distress.

Also it matters which answer will cause you most distress - with your grandad's death being so raw for you could you bring yourself to keep telling her he's at the shops without it over whelming you?
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
0
SW Scotland
Hi Tash

I didn't realise your grandad's death was so recent. No wonder you're feeling so raw. I'm so sorry that you have so many problems at the moment.

As for your stuff, why not bring as much as possible to your nan's house, even if it's only piled in a room? That way, you can gradually introduce some of your own bits, hopefully your nan won't notice. I don't think you should get rid of anything just now, there's too much upheaval in your life already, and you need something of your own to hang on to.

As for your nan's sadness, I'm afraid this is a normal part of the disease, and many people on TP have experienced the problem. I think the consensus is not to keep reminding her, as that way she is re-living the bereavement over and over again.

If you can get over it without upsetting her, that's the best way. Perhaps just say, 'He'll be back soon'. She may continue to ask for him for a long time. On the other hand, she may just forget, depending on how the disease develops.

You could also try distraction, although that doesn't always work.

But at the moment, it must be very wearing on the nerves for you. Please look after yourself, I think you need some TLC yourself! I'm so glad you came back to us.

Love,