Hello, I'm new to this group and I apologise if you've all discussed this before but my mother's dementia is ripping our family apart. My mother is 87 and over the past few years has gone from being a vibrant, creative and intelligent 'Mrs Robinson' lookalike (The Graduate) to a hunchbacked, frail old woman who is aggressive, very confused and frequently very tearful. My father is 80, a lovely man and her main carer but he's in complete denial about the care she really needs. The main problem is the rest of the family - badically my 5 siblings. Because my mother's been such a 'tour de force' and the matriarch of the family, they're terrified of upsetting her and I feel she's not getting the care she needs because they won't put their foot down with my father. He's desperately trying to maintain some semblance of independence which I totally applaud but he's unfortunately failing her sometimes because he can't see the wood for the trees. He does his best and loves her dearly but he too is terrified and feels he must be her 'advocate' and protect her from interference. So they won't have carers, won't take advice or helpful suggestions and are living in a house that's not suitable for my mother's dementia. He goes out and plays golf 3 times a week, leaving her alone with a lethal staircase that he refuses to block off because she insists on using the upstairs loo even though there's a perfectly good one downstairs. The front door doesn't lock so ANYONE could just wander in. A neighbour pops in every 45 minutes but for the rest of the time my profoundly deaf and confused mother is alone. There are so many small, cheap and simple changes that could improve both their lives but whenever I try to suggest them I'm told to butt out of their life and let them end their days as they want - even if it means some terrible catastrophe may occur. My other siblings are continually placating my father and nothing ever changes for the better unless someone (i.e. myself!) gets emotional and kicks up a fuss and rocks the boat. And that invariably means I get a pummeling from all concerned. I'm getting tired of the situation and just feel like doing my bit with my parents but checking out of the whole family thing. I've realised that the beautiful diamond that is my family is actually an illusion and its really just a pile of excrement seething with resentment, sibling jealousy and anxiety. As long as everyone keeps polishing it vigorously the illusion is maintained but anyone who steps out of line is quickly silenced! One minute I think the mature thing to do is to squash all my fear and emotion inside and just pretend everything is hunky dory and let them get on with it and at other times I'm plagued with awful images of my mother plunging down the stairs and dying slowly and painfully whilst my father has a heart attack because he's so overworked looking after this aggressive bag of bones that used to be his darling wife. At these times I think it's right to tell everyone what fools they're being because one day our parents will die, leaving the rest of us to deal with the memory of their hideous deaths and the accompanying guilt. But am I just being a 'pathetic, over-emotional woman' as my father so eloquently told me when I said I was finding my mother's dementia really difficult to come to terms with? Is it better to keep stumm and indeed let them end their days as they wish? Or am I failing my mother by not doing all I can to keep her safe? Sorry for the length of this post!