Feeling a little low today. Mum has dementia which she has had since her early 60s. Now 70 and the deterioration is now quite rapid. i'm finding the grief of losing my Mum almost unbearable at the moment. We had a really close relationship. Lots of shopping trips, coffee, memories shared. All that is gone and she now does not really know who I am. She knows my name but has no idea of who I am in relation to her. My Dad thinks she is confusing me with someone else as she has now taken quite a dislike to me, on one occasion talking to her invisible 'friends' that she 'can't stand that woman' clearly referring to me. She is stroppy and sometimes downright unkind to me. I try to see it for what it is ie the illness, not her, but this is so hard now it is personal. My husband tells me to ignore it which I know I should but it is hard to be met with this. I have vey young children who also have felt the lash of her tongue and been left in tears. It's just so hard as it is not her. How do I keep a sense of perspective in these circumstances? Will this be a phase that will pass?
So sad
- Thread starter daisychain2
- Start date
Thanks for your reply. It's a good idea but I'm not sure it would work in practice. I help Dad with the shopping etc and pop in to keep an eye on him. He feels the isolation of Mum's dementia and misses 'normal' company. I don't think I could do that to him for a couple of weeks. I try to keep visits short but he looks so crestfallen when I leave...
Hi daisychain, and welcome to the forum, although I'm sorry you've had to find us.
I was in a very similar position to you, when my mam lost the knowledge of who I am in relation to her, and took a strong dislike to me. She was verbally and physically abusive to both dad and me and it was very, very hard to deal with the fact that because of this I no longer liked her, either.
So you have my every sympathy.
It may be a phase - she may not regain the knowledge of who you are, but she might become more passive and less aggressive. This only happened with my own mam when she was put onto a very low dose of anti-psychotics, and now she is rarely nasty to me, and it is easier to like her again and to be kind and loving once more.
Hang on in there, and do keep posting xx
I was in a very similar position to you, when my mam lost the knowledge of who I am in relation to her, and took a strong dislike to me. She was verbally and physically abusive to both dad and me and it was very, very hard to deal with the fact that because of this I no longer liked her, either.
So you have my every sympathy.
It may be a phase - she may not regain the knowledge of who you are, but she might become more passive and less aggressive. This only happened with my own mam when she was put onto a very low dose of anti-psychotics, and now she is rarely nasty to me, and it is easier to like her again and to be kind and loving once more.
Hang on in there, and do keep posting xx
Hi daisy chain
You are in a difficult position in needing to visit to support your dad as well as having to deal with your mums attitude. My mum is in a care home and has been quite 'off' with me on a number of occasions - there's only me and her. Friends tell me it's the disease and I know that's true but it doesn't stop it hurting like hell - especially if you are tired or have had a battle sorting something for her. I'm ashamed to say I've been a bit short with mum occasionally and have said to her that if she's going to be horrible to me I'm going home. There have been times when she snaps out of being hostile and becomes concerned for me when I do this, almost as if she reacts instinctively to my hurt.
Before she went into the care home I was getting deputyship for her and she had a doctor visit to interview her. She rang me livid and accusing me of trying to get her sectioned and that I should keep my nose out etc etc, and wouldn't listen to my explanations. I said I've got to go and put the phone down and cried and cried. I rang her the following day and she asked if I was ok, as she thought that it seemed like something had upset me last time we spoke!
Would she go to a day centre once a week for example to give your dad a break and allow you some time with him? Mum wouldn't entertain it when at home, but when she went into hospital they used to take her to the day hospital for extra stimulation and she liked all the music and other activities
You are in a difficult position in needing to visit to support your dad as well as having to deal with your mums attitude. My mum is in a care home and has been quite 'off' with me on a number of occasions - there's only me and her. Friends tell me it's the disease and I know that's true but it doesn't stop it hurting like hell - especially if you are tired or have had a battle sorting something for her. I'm ashamed to say I've been a bit short with mum occasionally and have said to her that if she's going to be horrible to me I'm going home. There have been times when she snaps out of being hostile and becomes concerned for me when I do this, almost as if she reacts instinctively to my hurt.
Before she went into the care home I was getting deputyship for her and she had a doctor visit to interview her. She rang me livid and accusing me of trying to get her sectioned and that I should keep my nose out etc etc, and wouldn't listen to my explanations. I said I've got to go and put the phone down and cried and cried. I rang her the following day and she asked if I was ok, as she thought that it seemed like something had upset me last time we spoke!
Would she go to a day centre once a week for example to give your dad a break and allow you some time with him? Mum wouldn't entertain it when at home, but when she went into hospital they used to take her to the day hospital for extra stimulation and she liked all the music and other activities
Hi there!..i care for my dad who has dementia. My dad has been my mothers carer for 30 years due to her spine prob and depression..now that his situation has to take priority..my mum kind of developed a dependence on me because i understand my dads disease..and care for him a few days and take him to activities and workshops to give mum a break..my dad does everything in house bills wise shopping etc..so my mum not being confident enough to deal with things...means i have to help out.
My point is that my sister and friends offer to help ..my mum often refuses because they dont really understand how my dad is ...and my mum doesnt talk to them ..or anyone really..
You mentioned your mum has developed a dislike for you..doesnt know you etc...
Have a look at the bookcase senario....as time goes on dementia rocks the bookcase..and the books are recent memories..skills facts..numbers etc..
As the bookcase is flimsy the books at the top representing memories facts now..fall off.
The next shelf is her 60s then 50s then 20s by your knees.
The books by your feet are her childhood memories....
If this has happened it might be that your mums shelf is empty down to her younger years when you were a child!..
It must be so upsetting to be emotionally attached to someone..as would be using different part of the brain..and the flimsy bookcase of memories skills living their life through the age they think they are...
The hippocampus is the flimsy bookcase..facts memories etc
The amygdala is the solid oak bookcase gets rocked but is sturdy and lasting...it represents emotion feelings etc..
In other words they live their life through the year they can recall...but the feelings of today and yesterday are still there tugging at them...
It might be that if you can see her life through her eyes ...you might not be an adult..but a child...maybe spend a day..doing things you wouldve done.....
I know its hard but if it helps her then it might reassure her ..
Best wishes
Sent from my GT-I9505 using Talking Point mobile app
I feel like I'm constantly grieving for my Mum and yet she's still here - but the old days of our fab relationship have gone. I feel for you, I know what you are going through. Some days it feels like my Mum is picking on me, and it makes me evil and I have to bite my lip - but it's hard. You are not an angel, you are only human.
Thanks so much for all your replies and kind words. It is helpful to hear that others feel the same - just so sad that any of us should have to travel this dementia journey with our loved ones. I hope that this dislike she has will lessen over time - the bookcase analogy is an interesting one - not sure which 'shelf' she would be on at the moment but we do seem to be entering a new phase with her at the moment. Yesterday evening I felt as if my heart would break - I felt such a physical reaction to it. I felt rejected (silly I know) and guilty as I really don't like the person she has become. The feeling between us is mutual! But, deep down she is my Mum and I love her dearly and I know that if she were aware of her behaviour she would be horrified. I guess I am going to have to develop some emotional armour plating. Thanks again all x
