siblings
- Thread starter dotty12
- Start date
when a parent dies, its a difficult time for all, and I do think we get wrapped in our own feelings without the ability to feel what other are feeling/thinking. it does make for difficult times. In my experience it does get better ( although only fractionally) as our own grief abates bit
it probably does depend on how solid your relationship was before your aprent passed. Wobbly to start with prob wont get better any time soon.
it probably does depend on how solid your relationship was before your aprent passed. Wobbly to start with prob wont get better any time soon.
Hello Dotty
You don't say what the fallout is or did it start only after your parents death. I'm guessing sibling problems are common after posts I've read on here. There seems to be problems with 'absent' siblings, dominant siblings, or just siblings disagreeing on the best way to help their parent with dementia.
I have 'problems' with siblings. Three brothers. We had always got on, mum never 'needed' us to look after her. When she did I feel we failed her. At the start of mums dementia I tried to 'organise' them to particularly cover weekend visiting so she saw us all and the responsibility would be shared as we all work. That was a disaster. They wouldn't do it. They would never let me know. I lived the closest to mum, tho we're all local, I just wanted to know that I didn't have to go in on a certain day. It all became very resentful. I found it upsetting as I wanted a united family front but they just wouldn't conform. Over 3 and a half years this got worse. They did see mum but I could never trust that they had gone so I felt the weight of everything on me.
Mum died nearly 4 weeks ago and the funeral is at the end of this week because one of my brothers had a weeks holiday booked. I feel resentment at this and so it goes on!
One of my brothers has been great and the two of us have organised the funeral and done everything. One brother has asked what's happening, which is Ok, the third, the holiday one, not a thing!
I found the whole experience incredibly depressing. I feel mum deserved better, she was 92, had always been there for us. On the other hand I take comfort that they all did see her and I know they loved her. It's me really, I have felt alone, depressed and feel they haven't cared about me trying to do everything.
The funeral is this Friday, nearly a month on. I don't know how we'll all be afterwards. Sort of feels I lost my mum and my family.
So Dotty yours is probably a different story. I wanted a loving family, and that as a shock to me didn't work out.
Sweet x
You don't say what the fallout is or did it start only after your parents death. I'm guessing sibling problems are common after posts I've read on here. There seems to be problems with 'absent' siblings, dominant siblings, or just siblings disagreeing on the best way to help their parent with dementia.
I have 'problems' with siblings. Three brothers. We had always got on, mum never 'needed' us to look after her. When she did I feel we failed her. At the start of mums dementia I tried to 'organise' them to particularly cover weekend visiting so she saw us all and the responsibility would be shared as we all work. That was a disaster. They wouldn't do it. They would never let me know. I lived the closest to mum, tho we're all local, I just wanted to know that I didn't have to go in on a certain day. It all became very resentful. I found it upsetting as I wanted a united family front but they just wouldn't conform. Over 3 and a half years this got worse. They did see mum but I could never trust that they had gone so I felt the weight of everything on me.
Mum died nearly 4 weeks ago and the funeral is at the end of this week because one of my brothers had a weeks holiday booked. I feel resentment at this and so it goes on!
One of my brothers has been great and the two of us have organised the funeral and done everything. One brother has asked what's happening, which is Ok, the third, the holiday one, not a thing!
I found the whole experience incredibly depressing. I feel mum deserved better, she was 92, had always been there for us. On the other hand I take comfort that they all did see her and I know they loved her. It's me really, I have felt alone, depressed and feel they haven't cared about me trying to do everything.
The funeral is this Friday, nearly a month on. I don't know how we'll all be afterwards. Sort of feels I lost my mum and my family.
So Dotty yours is probably a different story. I wanted a loving family, and that as a shock to me didn't work out.
Sweet x
Not exactly similar but hope sharing our experience may be useful.
Umpteen years ago, my Dad suddenly became life-threateningly ill. All of us spent an exhausting 24 hours trailing round after him as he was transferred to 3 different hospitals and then operated on (very successfully, thank God).
We'd been mutually supportive throughout that stressful experience. At the end of it we were drained and tetchy beyond anything we'd experienced before. It was very difficult not to snap at each other in ways which might have left lasting wounds.
For you and family the bereavement has actually happened and you are individually and as a family having to cope with your sorrow and stress. it's entirely natural your emotions are so raw - but sadly that doesn't make it any easier for you to keep them under whatever control is necessary to safeguard future family relationships.
The only suggestion I've got is that you try to take evasive action - eg go for a completely unnecessary loo visit so that you can calm down - before you near your snapping point with a difficult sibling.
Umpteen years ago, my Dad suddenly became life-threateningly ill. All of us spent an exhausting 24 hours trailing round after him as he was transferred to 3 different hospitals and then operated on (very successfully, thank God).
We'd been mutually supportive throughout that stressful experience. At the end of it we were drained and tetchy beyond anything we'd experienced before. It was very difficult not to snap at each other in ways which might have left lasting wounds.
For you and family the bereavement has actually happened and you are individually and as a family having to cope with your sorrow and stress. it's entirely natural your emotions are so raw - but sadly that doesn't make it any easier for you to keep them under whatever control is necessary to safeguard future family relationships.
The only suggestion I've got is that you try to take evasive action - eg go for a completely unnecessary loo visit so that you can calm down - before you near your snapping point with a difficult sibling.
I used to think I had problems with my brother but having read some of the other posts on various threads I am beginning to think it's not so bad. He never was much of a one for family and has never kept in contact with anyone least of all mum. She was very distressed about this and I got very frustrated that she wouldn't either write or phone him and tell him how she felt. He hadn't seen or spoken to her for more than 2 years when she was diagnosed with dementia. My sister and I decided to write to him and send him a copy of the consultant's letter. I wondered if he would even react to that but he did; when he phoned me I was so gob smacked I nearly dropped the phone.
He did come and see mum a couple of times after that and although he didn't volunteer anything much pro-active to help he did seem appreciative of what I was doing and didn't dispute any decisions. Since the funeral he has reverted to non-communication mode and I suspect once we have finalised all the estate details I will never hear from him again. So in our case mum's difficulties actually improved things for a while.
I have decided that's his loss and it doesn't bother me any more. We have a great relationship with his son and his ex-wife has always been lovely to us and to mum.
He did come and see mum a couple of times after that and although he didn't volunteer anything much pro-active to help he did seem appreciative of what I was doing and didn't dispute any decisions. Since the funeral he has reverted to non-communication mode and I suspect once we have finalised all the estate details I will never hear from him again. So in our case mum's difficulties actually improved things for a while.
I have decided that's his loss and it doesn't bother me any more. We have a great relationship with his son and his ex-wife has always been lovely to us and to mum.
