Disbelieved over mum's aggression

Dikimiki

Registered User
Jun 26, 2012
143
0
Wales
Delusions of being poisoned

I just feel so depressed. My mum suffers from extreme delusions including that she is being poisoned. It is a nightmare to get her to take her medication. She accuses me of all sorts of things like trying to kill her, being cruel to her dog (even though I dote on him).

She makes random comments about how nasty I am and how she hopes I never have children and if I do she hopes they will be born deformed. She is also doubly incontinent and I spend a lot of time cleaning her up and the house.

People say to let the comments roll off me and it is the dementia talking but what they don't realise is that she used to say nasty things like that before the dementia.

I told the consultant that she has always been strong-minded. I actually meant domineering. I was trying to explain that I think that is why she is so difficult. The consultant just dismissed it and looked at me with a disgusted expression. He said that there is nothing wrong with being strong minded.

They also brushed off my worries about being stabbed by her. I said I was worried she would mistake me for a burglar or creep up and do it in the night. They just laughed and said dementia patients rarely attack anyone and implied I was being a silly hysterical sort of woman (not that I was even crying in front of them or anything).

I do have grounds for this worry as she has already done something that makes me think this is a possibility. I am worried about saying too much and identifying myself on here.

They also treated me like I was thick saying why didn't I hide the knives. The problem is that my parents house is small and jam-packed with junk. I have been steadily clearing it for some time now but it would be difficult to remove all the knives and still have access to them. We seem to have hundreds of kitchen knives and I think my dad would refuse to let me move them anyway.

I felt like a small silly young teenager. It was awful. Thanks for all the advice. I am going to start a diary and try videoing some stuff with my iPod.

Since my wife's demise earlier this year I have had time to look back and consider how I could have done more for her; and the first thing that I regret most is visiting the Memory Clinic and allowing "professionals" to conduct recognition and memory tests, prescribe medication and generally speed up her decline from absentmindedness to demented. Aricept brought about aggression, Memantine quietened the aggression but created fears (one was of being poisoned) that invisibles were attempting to, and wanting to, murder her, and then Risperidone turned her into a zombie. She wasted away refusing to eat, etc.
Check up on her drugs. Ignore the horrid Memory Clinicians. Get on to your GP so you can get extra help from the local authority. Trust your instincts. And finally seek help here. Best wishes.
 

clareglen

Registered User
Jul 9, 2013
318
0
Cumbria
My mum suffers from extreme delusions She accuses me of all sorts of things
She makes random comments about how nasty I am . She is also doubly incontinent and I spend a lot of time cleaning her up and the house.

People say to let the comments roll off me and it is the dementia talking but what they don't realise is that she used to say nasty things like that before the dementia.

I believe you. It is classic. Where do these 'professionals' train - absolute disgrace. My mum also has bad delusions, accusatory & nasty & used to say nasty things before the dementia, so I too don't find I can say her personality has changed drastically. But looking back I think now that the dementia has been coming on for decades.

I also agree with the post above mine about medication. My mum was on donepizel (aka aricept) which made her aggressive, but I only realised after months when they upped the doze & I looked at the leaflet on side effects & she had every one of them. Got it stopped which made her decline suddenly but she is easier for me to handle. I know it is trial & error with meds but I think when you get into the middle stages onwards it may be better without meds as they seem to have so many side effects.
 
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Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,283
0
SW London
I find this truly shocking. Yet another case where an 'expert' has not a clue about the practical realities of dementia. I feel strongly that you should make a complaint.

And I do so agree with whoever said that carers should not be expected to discuss dementia sufferers in front of them. It is usually impossible to tell the truth in front of someone who is going to be upset or humiliated by it, let alone deny everything.
 

Kathphlox

Registered User
Dec 16, 2009
1,088
0
Bolton
I really would start with complaining about the Consultant through your GP, tell him/her all that was said and that you are in fear from her attacking you and you have to lock your bedroom door at night.

If she does come at you with a knife, call the police immediately.. keep a phone in a lockable room where you can escape too and use the phone. I know that's a bit extreme, but I know it's the only solution if it gets that bad.

I hope there is a good outcome for you with this problem, but certainly the Consultant has to be reported for bad practise.. or whatever it's called. It's obviously not right.. Pity we here can't get our hands on him mob handed. ;)

Imagine, him locked in a room full of carers who know more about Dementia first hand 24/7 than him.. boy would he need a clean pants!
 

Saffie

Registered User
Mar 26, 2011
22,513
0
Near Southampton
I don't think anyone who doesn't have really regular contact with a sufferer can appreciate what dementia does to a person - because dementia is not logical.
That's the point -this wasn't just anyone, it was a consultant, who is supposed to know about dementia. Not good.
 

Nebiroth

Registered User
Aug 20, 2006
3,510
0
Indeed. A specialist in dementia should be aware of the fact that patients with dementia commonly direct agressive, challenging or suspiscious behavior specifically at a particular person (who is often the primary carer or loved one/family member) whilst maintaining much more reasonable attitudes towards everyone else, espescially doctors and nurses or similar "authority figures"

A layperson or even a doctor or nurse with little experience in dementia might not realise that someone can present so differently - a dementia specialist should know better, as it is very common.

I really do think it is just like small children, who behave far more badly with say their mum, because they are aware (perhaps not even consciously) that they can generally get away with more.

Also, the love is unconditional, so I think they know that whatever they do, it's not going to result in a loss of care/attention/affection (although sadly, of course, ultimately it may lead to any or all of those)
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
5,680
0
Midlands
Going through pretty tough time, with Mum in hospital and an assessment for CHCfunding appening.

In hospital, butter wouldn't melt.... I am also struggling to get across to this 'professional' that Behavioural issues' are about more than anger.

Very frustrating when those that are suppose to know seemingly dont
 

ald64

Registered User
Aug 4, 2012
14
0
Suffolk
I have been in this position since the summer.I think that family members are classed as domestic and have less weighting.Myfather became aggressive with me and we live together.The aggression was originally with men entering the house or myself .It has now expanded to visiting women carers.This has resulted in SS moving us towards residential care.We are self funding.I think the NHS try to play down these incidents so they are not liable for care costs.We have been given a low dose of risperdone.The aggression will result in a challenging behaviour label being placed on the person which makes it more difficult and expensive to find care.I think the health system is overloaded with increased population and an extended life span.
 

LYN T

Registered User
Aug 30, 2012
6,958
0
Brixham Devon
Hi Corriefan

I wasn't believed either. I spent last Xmas begging for help as I think the powers that be (SS's) thought I wanted a 'freebie' carefree Xmas with Pete being sent to hospital. I spent three nights dozing with my clothes on with a purse on a string containing money/credit card/car keys in it in case I had to make a quick gettaway.

Eventually P was sectioned as he hit me. So I believe you-as everyone else does.



Keep posting for support and take care

Lyn T
 
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Corriefan

Registered User
Dec 30, 2012
99
0
Imagine, him locked in a room full of carers who know more about Dementia first hand 24/7 than him.. boy would he need a clean pants!

Ha ha. Thanks for the support and everyone else too. It just winds me up. These consultants aren't carers themselves. It is easy for them to just chat to dementia sufferers and relatives for about ten minutes and then come up with some snap judgements about how the carers are falling short.
He even seemed to be blaming me for my mum's delusions. He kept asking over and over if I had done anything to spark them off. I don't know why she comes up with a lot of her delusions. Sometimes she watches something on tv and then develops a delusion about it but I have definitely not done anything to start them. I am feeling a little bit better today. I went to a family function and saw some relatives I had not seen for a while. It was really great to get away. Felt like I rejoined the real world for a little while.
 

FifiMo

Registered User
Feb 10, 2010
4,703
0
Wiltshire
I think you should get a diary and document what is going on. Make a note of any episodes and what if anything, triggers them. In addition, use the camera on your phone to record her when she is at her worst. Like others have said, dementia will mean that she can't remain nice to everyone and eventually she will trip up.

Despite what the consultant said, you do NOT know that your mum wouldn't harm you physically. You need to have a plan. Find a room you can retreat to if she is aggressive and put a lock on the door. In addition, make sure you either have your mobile phone with you at all times, or make sure there is a phone in your designated room, in case you need to call out for help. Do not wait for things to escalate, move to another room once her demeanour changes. Dementia or not, you don't have to tolerate being abused. So, give a warning that if she is going to be nasty then you are leaving, and if she continues then follow through and leave.

Keep your eye on the dog. It is not unknown for anger and spite to be taken out on the animal if the real object of your fury is not there. Any sign of fear from the dog, then please do not leave it there.

It is a horrible phase of this disease, made worse in your case, by an ignorant consultant! Talking Point will listen and understand as many many people have been through this.

Fiona
 

edwardbs

Registered User
Jul 30, 2014
19
0
Lichfield Staffs
I know i get very angry

I know that i get very angry over things that would have not bothered my a few months ago. I have vascular dementa and then forget why I was angry. I is a short step to forgetting the anger. violence is not far behind.
Sadly drs have only read the books they have never actually dealt with a demented person. Dementia is where the word comes from. They read a report and it only says little bits and make you fit what the books say.
I fout for years saying i had a problem and was told we all do things like that. Leave cooker on. leave taps running forget dates.
Now your mother might not be lieing as she has no idea that she does the violent things.
It is easy to put the blame on you. What are you going to do?
Actually cry, get angry, well that proves dr was right and you are at fault.
There, sadly is no answer to most of our problems but at least we can talk and know others are going through the same.
Dont blame your mother.
This awful thing seems to be much of a much for us all but to easy to leave to the family to cope with.

Keep fighting for the best for you and your mother and your family.
Good Luck
Remember you did not ask for the job as her carer and can ask for help. ASk before you collapse under the burden.

Edward
Sorry about spelling one of the things affected.
 

Corriefan

Registered User
Dec 30, 2012
99
0
Thank you Edwardbs. I really appreciate your comments. Sorry to hear that you are suffering with this horrible disease. It is not that I blame my mum for it. It was just that things were getting on top of me and I was afraid of her and what she might do. Thankfully everything has now changed and things are a lot better. I may do a separate post about this. It just winds me up that these consultants are paid a lot of money but in my opinion they don't really know anything - just what they have read in books which is nothing like the reality. Sitting there in their ivory towers judging people when they know nothing. If it helps Edward I found that my mum seemed to improve the more she socialised. If she had to socialise with people then her mental state seemed to be much improved. Anyway thanks a lot for your help. :)
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,283
0
SW London
Must say I am shocked at this medic's behaviour. Any doctor dealing professionally with dementia should be very well aware that people with dementia can behave very differently with different people, and are often well able to 'present' very well when they sense that it is in their interests to do so.

I think I would lodge a complaint. He should not be allowed to get away with this.
 

Grace L

Registered User
Jun 14, 2014
647
0
NW UK
Hello Corrifan, I am sorry you were not believed by the Doctors, I was in a similar situation.

My husband had VaD, and we reached a stage where aggression was becoming difficult.
I should have told someone about the minor incidents of aggression, but like a lot of carers I only reported things when I reached a 'breaking point'.
I know I was not believed, by anyone.... I showed them a diary ... bruises etc....

Long story short.... husband went in for an assessment and while there, physically attacked a nurse.
It's only then they believed me, despite me telling them for months and months.
(Nurse was OK, got our of way really quick, but husband did grab and hit nurse once :( )
Instead of keeping him in hospital, moving him to a unit .... they sent him home to me less than a hour later !!

From there he saw a CPN and Psychiatrist at home, where they felt they would be safer.
All they could suggest, after months of me asking for help, was regular respite.
Respite for aggressive patients , not available in my area....

They way the Doctor acted was unacceptable, and I am sorry.
If possible I would ask your GP if you can change hospital consultants, and tell them why.
 

Corriefan

Registered User
Dec 30, 2012
99
0
Thanks Witzend and GraceL. Sorry to hear what you are going through Grace. I know how horrendous it must be and frightening. For me personally I could not relax at all especially at night when I would hear the house creaking and think it could be my mum coming upstairs with a kitchen knife or something. I know she would never hurt me if she was in her right mind but she suffers from delusions. One of them was that someone had broken into our house and was about to attack her. So she could have stabbed me thinking I was a burglar. This did not seem to occur to the mental health team. They seemed to think that when someone is in a rage and threatening you all you have to do is ask them if they want a cup of tea which will apparently distract the person and they will immediately forget about being aggressive and sit down quietly. :roll eyes:
I noticed that my mum got a lot of her delusional ideas from things she had seen on television. The trouble is that most tv programmes revolve around action, drama and violence. Even something like Dads' Army would upset her because she thought that the war was on and that the Germans had taken over. Then she would get angry accusing me of being a collaborator and saying she was ashamed of me. Are you getting any breaks from your husband Grace. Surely they can't just leave you to cope with all this?
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
Thinking that what happens on TV is real is very common. You may have to vet what she watches. Maybe get some DVDs of innocuous stuff that she enjoys.

You will probably want a separate TV - for your eyes only!
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,283
0
SW London
Thanks Witzend and GraceL. Sorry to hear what you are going through Grace. I know how horrendous it must be and frightening. For me personally I could not relax at all especially at night when I would hear the house creaking and think it could be my mum coming upstairs with a kitchen knife or something. I know she would never hurt me if she was in her right mind but she suffers from delusions. One of them was that someone had broken into our house and was about to attack her. So she could have stabbed me thinking I was a burglar. This did not seem to occur to the mental health team. They seemed to think that when someone is in a rage and threatening you all you have to do is ask them if they want a cup of tea which will apparently distract the person and they will immediately forget about being aggressive and sit down quietly. :roll eyes:
I noticed that my mum got a lot of her delusional ideas from things she had seen on television. The trouble is that most tv programmes revolve around action, drama and violence. Even something like Dads' Army would upset her because she thought that the war was on and that the Germans had taken over. Then she would get angry accusing me of being a collaborator and saying she was ashamed of me. Are you getting any breaks from your husband Grace. Surely they can't just leave you to cope with all this?

I used to want to scream when people talked glibly about 'distraction', as if it were that simple, and you were just too unbelievably thick to have thought of it. You might as well have tried to distract a wasp from a jam jar with 'a nice cup of tea' as both my mother and my FIL, once they had some bee buzzing insistently in their bonnets.

As for not being believed, I know even my OH did not quite believe me about FIL's truly terrifying rages - at least not until (thank heavens) he saw one for himself. OH is a big hefty bloke but even he said he wouldn't have dared to approach him. But to be quite fair, until I witnessed it, I probably wouldn't have believed it either.
 

Corriefan

Registered User
Dec 30, 2012
99
0
Canary. I am no longer actually looking after mum but still facing problems as in my other post.
 

supporter1

Registered User
Sep 14, 2012
219
0
I find dealing with psyche quite difficult now since the time my dad was sectioned.

We had a really dreadful psych :mad: I will not go into the full story of our experience but I will never forget 3 things .

Firstly she did not want to hear that mum (who is on her 80,s ) was frightened of dad and did not want to live with him any more :( or

that secondly we could not look after them on a daily basis or that he would not accept help from carers

finally that he was able to interact but that he used what remained of his interlect to cover his issues. She was shocked that he was assessed as not having capacity and this was 5mnth under her care :eek:

Judgemental, egotist and paid far too much ..

Families always get a terrible time I think.
 

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