My beloved wife passed away in August 2014 and I miss her so much. Never a day goes by without me going over in my head with 'what ifs'. I nursed her at home until she fell and broke her hip last Easter. After a period in hospital following a hip replacement the doctors decided that she needed nursing care as she couldn't remember how to walk. She had developed serious bed sores on her heels in hospital which were treated in the nursing home. The prognosis for them healing was virtually nil. n late July she developed an infection and returned to hospital. Within 24 hours I was informed that she wouldn't survive the infection - they did try their best for two weeks. In the end I took the decision for her to be returned to the nursing home where she passed away peacefully 3 weeks later.
All I can think about is the final seconds of her life and I keep seeing her falling back on her pillow when the end came. I cannot get this image out of my mind. I know she isn't suffering any more but I continue to do so.
Fannyannie
My husband reached the end of his suffering last November, the end came as a result of a chest infection. It was a peaceful release and I remember that last instant so very clearly - described so well by Rainbow. At the time I felt it was a privilege to be with him at his moment of release - and still do. I thought I had done my grieving in the 5+ years that he had been in care homes. BUT during the time of caring we - well I - dared not remember the past just lived day by day. I felt I was in a bubble with a place called the 'world' outside it and well beyond my reach. Now I have to function - clear the house, sort papers worry about finances and wonder if I have the emotional energy to continue and find a life in an affordable place. I know what he would have wanted but it is hard. He was so much my life for so long. There was no time to consider myself - the care home was 1/2 to 1 hour drive and i did have to be there frequently, it is important to be in the home for your loved one and be seen to care, staff were wonderful but there were not enough of them. I have no regrets.
He was a widower and has two 'children', they now blame me for everything - even saying there was enough money for me to pay the 3rd party top ups as they felt he should be in a better place - they have jobs we were on Social rate! They have never faced up to the problem or the costs, emotional and financial. I have been so alone with this. They continue to make difficulties in getting probate and until then I cannot make plans, I just know that there are insufficient funds for me to remain in our house. Having someone to share stories, have a laugh about his jokes would be so much help.
So to all who grieve - I have had to accept that it is not over and it is not easy, I am sure the memories will always be there but will change and gradually, painfully at first I am getting my dear man back in my life - the one I married. I am not ready for many pictures yet and I cry a lot more - I am crying now. I will weep for all in this position but we can send mental messages of support to all in this position. I would hope I did my best as it sounds as did everyone writing here has done We have to learn that 'whatifs' is a bad thought - just think what would our loved ones have wanted.
My Quaker Friends just say - 'Ihold you in the light' I find it so comforting.