Reassuring

[Fannyannie]

My beloved wife passed away in August 2014 and I miss her so much. Never a day goes by without me going over in my head with 'what ifs'. I nursed her at home until she fell and broke her hip last Easter. After a period in hospital following a hip replacement the doctors decided that she needed nursing care as she couldn't remember how to walk. She had developed serious bed sores on her heels in hospital which were treated in the nursing home. The prognosis for them healing was virtually nil. n late July she developed an infection and returned to hospital. Within 24 hours I was informed that she wouldn't survive the infection - they did try their best for two weeks. In the end I took the decision for her to be returned to the nursing home where she passed away peacefully 3 weeks later.
All I can think about is the final seconds of her life and I keep seeing her falling back on her pillow when the end came. I cannot get this image out of my mind. I know she isn't suffering any more but I continue to do so.

Fannyannie
My husband reached the end of his suffering last November, the end came as a result of a chest infection. It was a peaceful release and I remember that last instant so very clearly - described so well by Rainbow. At the time I felt it was a privilege to be with him at his moment of release - and still do. I thought I had done my grieving in the 5+ years that he had been in care homes. BUT during the time of caring we - well I - dared not remember the past just lived day by day. I felt I was in a bubble with a place called the 'world' outside it and well beyond my reach. Now I have to function - clear the house, sort papers worry about finances and wonder if I have the emotional energy to continue and find a life in an affordable place. I know what he would have wanted but it is hard. He was so much my life for so long. There was no time to consider myself - the care home was 1/2 to 1 hour drive and i did have to be there frequently, it is important to be in the home for your loved one and be seen to care, staff were wonderful but there were not enough of them. I have no regrets.
He was a widower and has two 'children', they now blame me for everything - even saying there was enough money for me to pay the 3rd party top ups as they felt he should be in a better place - they have jobs we were on Social rate! They have never faced up to the problem or the costs, emotional and financial. I have been so alone with this. They continue to make difficulties in getting probate and until then I cannot make plans, I just know that there are insufficient funds for me to remain in our house. Having someone to share stories, have a laugh about his jokes would be so much help.

So to all who grieve - I have had to accept that it is not over and it is not easy, I am sure the memories will always be there but will change and gradually, painfully at first I am getting my dear man back in my life - the one I married. I am not ready for many pictures yet and I cry a lot more - I am crying now. I will weep for all in this position but we can send mental messages of support to all in this position. I would hope I did my best as it sounds as did everyone writing here has done We have to learn that 'whatifs' is a bad thought - just think what would our loved ones have wanted.
My Quaker Friends just say - 'Ihold you in the light' I find it so comforting.

 

[DIANE69]

There just seem to be so many of us trying to find a way forward.Its 4 week today that my husband Tony died.He had a hospital bed at home in the front room which of course has gone.I still sit looking at were it was thinking of that last morning.I am fighting to get MY Tony back in my memory.The man who had more zest for life than anyone I knew but at the moment the dementia memories are still winning.I know I have a long way to go at the moment I can not even think about moving any of his clothes or belongings I have thrown out/returned all the dementia paraphernalia-catheter bags,pads,medicine,wheelchair,hoist special chair because they had nothing to do with MY Tony but thats as far as I can get.I suppose one day I will wake up and think its time to move his things and decide what to do with them but not yet.

 

[Night-owl]

Dealing with grief

Hullo everyone,
I'm dropping in after a while of reading only. My mum died about 18 months ago, and lack of energy has been the main thing for all of last year. The 'perhaps I could have done more' syndrome was a mystery to my GP who kindly assured me I had given her very good care; but the fact that I knew it was part of grief didn't put a stop to it. It is getting weaker now, and I'm more able to believe that I did the best I could. Some of us are able to imagine perfection, and then perceive that we can't live up to it. That's because no one can!
The quarrelling siblings/children are such a familiar story. It has happened in so many friends' lives; and I think that it's a yearning for parental love that's at the bottom of it,(often expressed as a desire for more money), particularly if they think that there's someone who got more love than they did. It's easy for me to say, but try not to take it personally. It might even be worth asking them if this is what they're really missing...it might shock them into grieving more appropriately.
The lady searching for her husband at night...I think the distraction method is the most effective. I used it with my mum, and also asked her questions about Dad. I also arranged with her, when her mind was clearer, what I would say, and asked her if that was OK...she said it was. And white lies are kind at a time when the truth only causes more distress.
Giving away your loved ones' things...you'll know when the right time comes. Mum felt like giving Dad's clothes away before the funeral; it was other things, like the instruments he played that she couldn't part with.
With Mum's things, it's gone in cycles with me.. again clothes were the easiest; jewellery, cards and letters, of which there are lots, have been the hardest. I've been sorting through them for 3 years, as I began when she moved into the CH.
One friend wrote 'Give yourself time to grieve-she's the only mother you'll ever have', and the same goes for partner, child, friend really; there'll only ever be one of them. So, yes, time does change your relationship with your loved ones; but the love will be with you for ever.
Much love, Night-owl

 

[Annie Chester]

Husband not parent and he's still alive

Although my circumstances are not the same as yours I can still empathise - my husband of 51 years was removed from my daughter's and my care 'it's in his best interests now' - not our choice a year ago and we still struggle with his 'loss' to us. He is now a frail old man who doesn't walk at all (hoisted everywhere) or talk much (vocabulary gone). He doesn't know who we are and we often just sit in his room with him whilst he either rants and raves at whoever he thinks we are or sleeps. He is looked after so well at the Nursing Home and it really is in his best interests and we know it but the physical pain in my heart as I miss him for what he was. Every now and then there is a flash of humour from him and we have become very fond and loving to this 'replacement'. We get by mainly by making sure that we visit on regular days and times and also ensure that we too have regular interests for us now that we are free of the 24 hour care and sleep deprivation etc that we 'coped' with for far longer than we should have. So hang in there it will get better!