From my last post, my world has been turned upside down, inside out, etc etc, I've been propelled into this surreal universe, and I can't do a damn thing about it, I know that probably sounds really selfish of me, and I sincerely appologise
for the way I am feeling tonight, but I didn't ask for this, I don't necessarily want or need this kind of stress in my life on a daily basis, and I feel what with my dad dying and knowing and hiding and leaving my mum in this situation, and leaving me to deal with it all, I feel very much that it's been lumbered onto me, again I appologise for feeling this way, I am a nice person, I'm a good person I promise you, but I've got a lot to deal with, a lot has been put upon my shoulders here, and it's only been 6 or 7 weeks since I found my dad's dead body, and mum in the state she was, and it hasn't been easy it's been really hard for me, I'm an only child, and I'm trying my best, I don't have a big friends network to turn too, and I don't have a lot of support at home either, the other day I was in the kitchen with my husband and I was talking to him about my day and about mum etc, and I turned around and I realised that I was talking to myself, he had walked off mid talk, and went down stairs, and I thought he was behind me while I was stiring the dinner listening to me, and this wave of depression came over me in an instant, as I realised I have no one here, no help, no support no nothing, it's all left for me to deal with, it's almost like, your mother, your problem you know, and that's how I'm feeling.
My mum now has a care package in place, the social workers eventually got there finger out, she has 4 carers going in a day, and they've taken over her med's, which takes it off me a bit, but they only stay for like 15-30 minutes, and when they ask mum if she needs anything done, it's usually too late as its been done by me already, you see, I'm at my mums every day from 10am to 2.45pm Monday to Friday, call it guilt, or a conscience, or whatever, but I feel that I need to go everyday to keep an eye on her, I feel bad for leaving her on her own, especially when she goes in and out of her mind pattern like she's been doing, I feel like, how can I not go and be there, but I'm bloody totally exhausted, and I feel like no one in my life knows or even cares about what I'm going through, mainly my family and there attitudes etc, is what I really mean here. I feel so alone, I just feel on my own, and that's basically it.
It's like I've asked for help, but a brick wall comes down every time, and I can't get a carers assessment for 4 months due to nhs cuts, and I can't get bereavement therapy until it's been 6 months, and I need some help and support now, as I feel like I'm losing my self and I don't know how much longer I can go on for before I crumble.
for the way I am feeling tonight, but I didn't ask for this, I don't necessarily want or need this kind of stress in my life on a daily basis, and I feel what with my dad dying and knowing and hiding and leaving my mum in this situation, and leaving me to deal with it all, I feel very much that it's been lumbered onto me, again I appologise for feeling this way, I am a nice person, I'm a good person I promise you, but I've got a lot to deal with, a lot has been put upon my shoulders here, and it's only been 6 or 7 weeks since I found my dad's dead body, and mum in the state she was, and it hasn't been easy it's been really hard for me, I'm an only child, and I'm trying my best, I don't have a big friends network to turn too, and I don't have a lot of support at home either, the other day I was in the kitchen with my husband and I was talking to him about my day and about mum etc, and I turned around and I realised that I was talking to myself, he had walked off mid talk, and went down stairs, and I thought he was behind me while I was stiring the dinner listening to me, and this wave of depression came over me in an instant, as I realised I have no one here, no help, no support no nothing, it's all left for me to deal with, it's almost like, your mother, your problem you know, and that's how I'm feeling.
My mum now has a care package in place, the social workers eventually got there finger out, she has 4 carers going in a day, and they've taken over her med's, which takes it off me a bit, but they only stay for like 15-30 minutes, and when they ask mum if she needs anything done, it's usually too late as its been done by me already, you see, I'm at my mums every day from 10am to 2.45pm Monday to Friday, call it guilt, or a conscience, or whatever, but I feel that I need to go everyday to keep an eye on her, I feel bad for leaving her on her own, especially when she goes in and out of her mind pattern like she's been doing, I feel like, how can I not go and be there, but I'm bloody totally exhausted, and I feel like no one in my life knows or even cares about what I'm going through, mainly my family and there attitudes etc, is what I really mean here. I feel so alone, I just feel on my own, and that's basically it.
It's like I've asked for help, but a brick wall comes down every time, and I can't get a carers assessment for 4 months due to nhs cuts, and I can't get bereavement therapy until it's been 6 months, and I need some help and support now, as I feel like I'm losing my self and I don't know how much longer I can go on for before I crumble.