Thank You all for your support

[LYN T]

Hi Diane

Thank you for posting. Just a few hours sleep, and a sad awakening. I'm so sorry. If it's any consolation I've had to wait one whole month to have my OH's funeral.(although I like to call it a celebration of his life) Red tape and the Xmas season. In that time I've managed (I hope) to get the arrangements just as I hope Pete would have liked them.

I don't think that I could have managed that in just a week/10 days as appears to be the norm.People saying 'it was expected' are not helpful; but if there's one thing I've realised it's that people do not know how to react to the passing of a Dementia sufferer. Unless they have experienced the long goodbye they would have no idea.

However, we understand on this Forum what you are going through, so please keep in touch.

Love,

Lyn T XX

 

[wornoutbattling]

Hello Diane

I'm so sorry for your loss. I thought it was just me who couldn't stand the "well it was expected wasn't it" condolence. A supposedly good friend of mine would not stop using that line of "sympathy" when I told her of my Mum's passing, even though I indicated to her that she wasn't helping.

For the time being, I'm just sticking to the friends and acquaintances who say what I want to hear.

Please don't berate yourself for still thinking your dear husband needs your attention - my Mum passed 6 weeks ago and automatically in my head I'm still timing my days around her care.

Please don't hurry, I've come to the conclusion that grief is best left to take its own time.

wob
xx

 

[geum123]

Oh, I am so very sorry Diane.
Wishing you strength in the coming weeks.
xxxx

 

[DIANE69]

Thank you all for the support.This really is the one place were I can say how I feel without worrying if I will upset someone or just appear slightly hysterical.I had hoped to keep myself busy today sorting things out but I am still waiting death certificate from GP -I just pray there will be no problem.Before Tony s death I had always thought that when it did happen the one thing I would want was to get rid of the hospital bed,hoist,chair,commode and anything else that reminded me of his illness.I have now arranged for the return of it all on Thursday but am in floods of tears because I feel I am dissembling his life.I know its stupid and Tony would have no patience at all with me thinking this.My one little ray of light is my 3 year old grand daughter.I explained that grandad had died and gone to live with Jesus in heaven and that in heaven he would be all better and be able to walk again and that he would be with his mummy and daddy.She happily accepted this asking if he could run very fast.Next morning she got up(they had stayed the night) and came skipping into the front room where the hospital bed is.She stopped,looked at the bed and said were is grandad?.I took a deep breath but before I could reply she continued with "Has he not come back from heaven yet is heaven a long,long,long ,long way a way.I assured her it was a very long way away and that was the end of that a simple "well I will have my breakfast then" finished the conversation.I only wish I could be so easily re assured.

 

[wornoutbattling]

Hello Diane,

I don't think it's at all stupid that you feel upset because you feel you're dismantling Tony's life. I felt just the same when I emptied Mum's nursing home room when she passed away. I also felt that way 5 years ago when I had to empty her house, then 12 months ago when I emptied her sheltered flat. In my mind, as long as she had a home and her own things to come back to, then she would be coming back.

I think I'm learning - or anyway trying - to understand that nothing is "stupid" about the way my mind's working in this mourning period. When I was walking home yesterday from my now daily walk, I realised I was looking up at unfamiliar house windows as I passed by. When I asked myself why, I realised I was looking for Mum. Somehow I thought maybe she'd moved and that's where she was living now .... she'd wave to me and I'd go and visit ....

That's just plain daft, but it all popped into my mind unconsciously.

Please don't beat yourself up about how you're feeling.

xxx

 

[Rathbone]

Praise be for the babes and sucklings! How on earth would we get through this painful, confusing life without them to remind us that Life goes on.X Loving thoughts Shelagh

 

[Lindy50]

Have just caught up with your sad news Diane and just want to send you my sincere condolences on the loss of your husband.

I wish you peace and strength at this time and in the weeks to come.

(((Hugs)))

Lindy xx

 

[sunray]

Diane, so sorry this is the end of your journey together but all of this sounds so familiar. It is over two years since Ray died but sometimes it seems like yesterday. I wish you strength and courage for the journey ahead. And for a while you will be very sad but time does not heal but eases the pain.

 

[Anongirl]

I'm so sorry Diane. You have a lot of hands holding yours xxx

 

[Loopiloo]

I have only just read your thread, and feel so sad for you. I am so sorry. But special that your husband died with you hugging him, giving him a kiss. That will mean so much to you.

There are many here who will empathise with you and what you are going through, may I wish you continuing strength in the time ahead.

My deepest sympathy to you.

Loo x

 

[Tears Falling]

Sorry to read your news about Tony's passing. :-(

 

[truth24]

I'm sorry too, Diane, that I've only just picked your post. Wishing you peace in your time of grief.

Sent from my GT-N5110

 

[halojones]

So sad for the loss of your beloved husband Tony xxx

 

[katehh16]

Diane, I am so sorry to hear the news of Tonys death. NOTHING prepares you, however much information you have or however long you have been waiting.
I can only wish you a peaceful journey back to the 'real world', where you can start to pick up the pieces. Time to get out the bag of breadcrumbs and get out with your granddaughter to feed the ducks, or play on the playground.
It won't be easy, but we all understand what lies ahead for you and will keep on being here to hold your hand and share your tears xx

 

[VickyG]

Hi Diane

Just thought i'd stop by and ask how you are xx

 

[DIANE69]

You are all so kind.Why is it the silly little things that start me off crying.went to the supermarket for the first time since Christmas grandaughter in tow.As soon as I walked in I knew I should not have gone back to my regular one.Managed to get as far as the cream cakes which I always bought for Tony before bursting into tears grandaughter just said to the women who was staring "my granny's sad again cos grandad Tonys in heaven and she can not give him a cake" how she realized what was wrong I don't know.Before that I picked up the last well past its sell by date apple from the fruit bowl to eat.I remembered it was a Pink Lady apple Tony s favorite and I had bought them Christmas Eve just in case he picked up a bit and could perhaps have a slice. Again tears because I was eating his apple.Tony always had his cornflakes out of HIS bowl this morning I caught it and it fell out of the cupboard and smashed and yes you have guessed inconsolable floods of tears.The thing is Tony would be the first to tell me to stop been so silly.Over the years we attended the funerals of 7 of his siblings and although I knew he felt their loss deeply he always seemed so accepting that death was just part of life.I just wish I could feel the same or even just get angry at the insensitive remarks made by some of his so called best friends.Last summer I used to push Tony in his wheelchair to one or other of our local pubs for a drink in the beer garden.I always asked him if he wanted to go adding that we might bump into so and so.He always said yes and looked forward to seeing his mates.He couldn't chat like he used to and we never stayed long but at least it was a bit of normality,Yesterday one of his friends told me in great detail how upsetting it had been for them all seeing Tony" how he was" and how relieved they had all been when I stopped taking him.These are the people who next week at the funeral will be saying what a good friend Tony was.

 

[Gigglemore]

"how relieved they had all been when I stopped taking him" This is no friend - he is a selfish insensitive pig. How DARE he say such a thing to a grieving widow!

Please try to believe that he was speaking only for himself. I have no doubt that Tony's friends were distressed to see him in poor health but I am sure that most of them were PLEASED to see him nevertheless. Normal friends are of course upset to know of another friend's ill-health because we normal people care about our friends - it certainly doesn't mean we don't want to see them or to exclude them from whatever activities they are still able to enjoy with us. Your loss is hard enough to bear without having to listen to the words of a thoughtless, heartless idiot.

Your lovely little granddaughter has so much more empathy than this so-called friend. Please try to ignore what he said.

 

[VickyG]

Diane,

You are welcome me lovely, there are lots of us all in the same boat on here, so go ahead and vent / scream / cry / and maybe in time, we can all laugh
Take no notice of what the friend said, sometimes people don't know what to say, or indeed say something they didn't mean to, let them worry about feeling **** for saying it, you have enough emotions to deal with !
Take care x
Oh and just wanted to say, your Granddaughter is a little star, cherish her xx

 

[truth24]

WIFE suggested a contest for the most insensitive remark. Think that must be among the top contenders. How dare they. A gold star for your grand-daughter.

Sent from my GT-N5110

 

[DIANE69]

Thank you all

I am now past worrying about what people say to me and am just trying to concentrate on making Tony proud of me at the funeral.Everything is arranged but I have got myself tied into a knot re music to play at the wake.Tony loved music of all kinds and so many of my special memories have songs attached to them.I decided I wanted to have music playing in the background through the wake and this has meant getting to grips with a i pod to make a playlist of our kind of music.Well I have finally managed but have spent the last 3 days in tears over one song or another.I feel so lonely at the moment.i suppose I just want some sign that were ever he is that he is OK.I suppose my belief is not as strong as it should be.Now I am starting to ramble.I am going to see him in the chapel tomorrow prior to the funeral on Wednesday.I just want to make sure he looks smart.