why do friends do that?

[jan.s]

I think many people struggle with knowing the right things to say and do. I received "happy new year" messages, but took them in the way they were sent; in truth my new year is full of unknowns, but then again so is everyone else's. The difference is we have a greater knowledge of how things are likely to be!

I found it very strange when a neighbour of ours sent a Christmas card addressed just to me; R may we'll be in a CH, but he still exists. I know she would be horrified if she knew how I feel Still better than last year, when she included him on the card in brackets with a question mark!!

I don't get upset by such things any more, because I'm the only one to suffer? I try to think that most people just don't know what to say.

 

[Crag]

I've had a rotten day at work with everybody asking about Xmas and New Year without me having anything good to say about it. It must make me sound a right misery guts, and since I feel steered clear of.

And just to add salt to the wounds, Mum's just called to say she's had another difficult day with Dad. I'm dreading finishing work and finding out what's gone on.

On the plus side she has got him an appointment at the GP later this afternoon, but I'm not holding my breath that it will achieve anything, at least until the next visit.

Hey ho

 

[CJinUSA]

I identify with many of you. I don't like it when people don't even want to think about what my life is like. Someone I thought was a close friend has stopped being in touch. I have recently had some bad health news (a recurrence of an old issue for which I'm on a cancer watch), my mother's situation has worsened (nighttime delusions), and my work load at work feels impenetrably difficult. I mentioned these things to a friend, and she wrote to me over on the work line to introduce me to someone whom she wanted me to meet - more work, of course - and said nothing about the private issues I'm facing. Nothing at all. No message at the holiday and none at the new year. And like kassy's friend, she had been complaining about the mess in her home from work being done there.

Friends don't know what to say, and they don't want to offer to help, because they know our need might be so great we might say Yes, come help!

My three sisters are invisibles for the most part. One offers to help and then - in the very same email message - tells me how busy she is and what day she would be free. It might make some sense to ask which day works for the caregiver and not expect the caregiver to work around the hair appointment and grooming for doggie!

Anyway. I don't complain much, and over all, I'm thinking I am lucky, but I don't have any friends who care enough to try to understand or help out. Sometimes that is hard to believe, considering how I have extended myself to them across the years. O well.

 

[Crag]

I identify with many of you. I don't like it when people don't even want to think about what my life is like. Someone I thought was a close friend has stopped being in touch. I have recently had some bad health news (a recurrence of an old issue for which I'm on a cancer watch), my mother's situation has worsened (nighttime delusions), and my work load at work feels impenetrably difficult. I mentioned these things to a friend, and she wrote to me over on the work line to introduce me to someone whom she wanted me to meet - more work, of course - and said nothing about the private issues I'm facing. Nothing at all. No message at the holiday and none at the new year. And like kassy's friend, she had been complaining about the mess in her home from work being done there.

Friends don't know what to say, and they don't want to offer to help, because they know our need might be so great we might say Yes, come help!

My three sisters are invisibles for the most part. One offers to help and then - in the very same email message - tells me how busy she is and what day she would be free. It might make some sense to ask which day works for the caregiver and not expect the caregiver to work around the hair appointment and grooming for doggie!

Anyway. I don't complain much, and over all, I'm thinking I am lucky, but I don't have any friends who care enough to try to understand or help out. Sometimes that is hard to believe, considering how I have extended myself to them across the years. O well.

Unfortunately, too much of your post I can relate to.

 

[CJinUSA]

Unfortunately, too much of your post I can relate to.

Yes, I imagine many here can. Alas. Your situation sounds hard. My mother lives with me, and I do have caregivers in. So when things go amiss, at least I am in my own home and not having to travel elsewhere at all hours of day and night.

But the workload doesn't go away, does it, and friends are so self-involved that they can't even bother to extend an emotional pat on the back saying how brave we are to face these issues every day . . . .

 

[blandford516]

Hi

I think it is more common than being totally unique to you . Both my parents were diagnoised as being terminally ill at the same time . My best friend ( ex best friend) use to text me about once a month asking how my parents were . I would reply not good at all etc she would then reply 'well i will text you in a few weeks . Obviously not really interested ,so why ask the question ! She unfortunately turned up at my mums funeral late ! as I walked out obviously upset ,her first words were , well you can get on with your life from tomorrow morning !!!!! Really !Not really enquiring as to how I am doing . I personally do not class her as a friend . I am back in work tomorrow and the usual questions ' did you have a nice Christmas ' omg I had a ball really Some people just havent got a clue really and just say stupid things . Fact of life I surpose . I would like to think I would be abit more understanding with others , knowing what they have gone through . x

 

[Optomistic]

I did understand before my husband was diagnosed has i helped look after my nanna when i was 19. She had Senile dementia it lasted for 5 years i helped my mum and it was very hard. It has prepared me for whats facing me now though with my husband.

 

[Ash148]

I think people ask how you are but don't really want to hear an honest answer, because it is too hard for them to know how to reply. I don't want to bother colleagues and friends with my worries and troubles but I also don't want to have to pretend, actually things are so bad at the moment, that I couldn't pretend even if I tried. I try to believe people generally mean well but just have no idea.

 

[Ladybird23]

My work colleague phoned me yesterday and I told her dad was not wanting to eat. She said they can always put a feed drip in.........Wally.

 

[love.dad.but..]

Also for me what now seems to be happening so that I don't burden friends those that genuinely ask and want to know that is.... I tend to blurt out things and blub with people I don't know that well then feel cross and embarrassed with myself that I have burdened them and probably depressed them and given too easily way too much info thinking why have I done that yet again....thats why TP is so good for us all we can type... off load ...get and give support.

 

[Sue J]

It is difficult isn't it? I went back to work today and if I was asked if I had a good xmas I just said 'it was ok it had its up and downs' and depending on who it was I either went on to tell the dramas or simply said 'how was yours?' I really think that people do not know what to say because they know your situation is never going to get better. My best friends in this are those who have aslo dealt with dementia and one in particular who is dealing with it now and can truly understand. Two of my friends for over 10 years have taken to not talking about it when we are out in the evgoodg together. On text and email they will ask but once said they didn't want to ask me about it when we were out in case I didn't want to talk. At that time I said 'please ask me' especially as they talk about their parents and if I didn't want to talk I would then say so. They said ok but even the next time we went out they stayed silent again. It just confuses me as these are good friends but it makes me feel that its too bad a subject to bring up on a night out. I'm sure they don't know how this makes me feel but it saddens me. This year I didn't get many NYE texts. I guess this is the reason why. Its just such a sad thing to deal with we need all the help we can get!

Hi Snowygirl

Reading your post just made me think maybe your friends see that your world is consumed with dementia, I say that not in a critical way but because I understand how consuming it is. Maybe because they see this they want to bring you out of that world, when you go out together to lighten your life a little and not because they don't want to understand or listen to you. I know my friends do a bit of both but I don't want to spend time talking about it, but often can't help it, but would rather enjoy their company and the respite from the dementia world, that that brings. This sustains our friendship I think and hope because despite my dementia worries they still have problems in their lives.
You have my understanding and empathy
Best wishes
Sue

 

[Lilac Blossom]

I am gradually reading threads and this one has really struck a chord with me as I have experienced much the same thing. Relatives and friends ask how hubby is and is he keeping better now? Once the weather improves everyone feels better, etc. etc. They don't ask how I am coping.

I can say that I have often been very upset by people's attitudes. I wish I knew someone I could relate to and possibly meet up with for coffee and a natter but so far I haven't found any local support so finding this site is a real godsend - helps to keep things in perspective as there is so much experience and advice from everyone on TP. It certainly helps to know that others have similar experiences although I really wish it were not so.

 

[lizzybean]

I think people ask how you are but don't really want to hear an honest answer, because it is too hard for them to know how to reply. I don't want to bother colleagues and friends with my worries and troubles but I also don't want to have to pretend, actually things are so bad at the moment, that I couldn't pretend even if I tried. I try to believe people generally mean well but just have no idea.

I hadn't thought about the pretence side of it before. I love going to work & seeing the people but the plastering a smile on my face & saying "I'm fine thanks" to any enquiries does get a bit wearing.

 

[missmarple]

I must admit I don';t try and spare people's feelings I either say yes thank you how about yours (because I can't be bothered going into it) or I say "it was ****- quite literally" (because I was cleaning the stuff off the toilet floor). For me it is all part of making wider society more aware of dementia, and what relatives go through. Works for me!

 

[missmarple]

Just to elaborate after I have said it was ****, I give a quick potted history if the person knows nothing. If they know a little, same thing. I save the real discussions for close friends or those who are going through the same thing. But i've been surprised a couple of times recently when people enquired and then really listened to my answer.
I find it most problematic at the school when I drop my youngest son off. All the busy mummies with what I like to think, rather self pityingly, are their nice lives not involving demented parents. I want to talk about what I'm going through, but know that really a lot of the times they'd rather not hear about it.

 

[CJinUSA]

Just to elaborate after I have said it was ****, I give a quick potted history if the person knows nothing. If they know a little, same thing. I save the real discussions for close friends or those who are going through the same thing. But i've been surprised a couple of times recently when people enquired and then really listened to my answer.
I find it most problematic at the school when I drop my youngest son off. All the busy mummies with what I like to think, rather self pityingly, are their nice lives not involving demented parents. I want to talk about what I'm going through, but know that really a lot of the times they'd rather not hear about it.

I guess what bothers me is that the so-called friend I spoke of earlier helped her mother through her last passage. Her mother had cancer. She took care of her for 6 months and said flippantly once that she would never do that again. So when she asks how I am doing, and I tell her, I'd at least expect an expression of concern, but I got silence.

In fact, my sisters don't really want the details of what is going on here, so why would my friends. I have learned, alas, that I don't really have deep friendships, just acquaintances. That part has been a bit hard to take.

 

[Ash148]

Nowadays, I say to people, don't ask me how I am, unless you have time for a long (and not cheerful) reply. I can't - and won't - just pretend "I'm fine".

 

[Varandas]

I work as a Live in carer for a lady with Alzheimer's (advanced stage) and years ago I decided not to say anything at all to my family and friends. It is my choice of career and I love it. That's enough for me.
They don't want to hear the grisly details of (my) one day living with dementia, HOWEVER what it is painful, annoying, upsetting and utterly unfair is that the family whenever they call on the phone or skype THEY don't want to hear anything else and are upset when seeing their mon on Skype and she is not replying to their questions, or is not 'cheerful'.
Hellloooo...

 

[uselessdaughter]

I have hesitated over making this post for fear of offending anyone and believe me that is the last thing I want to do.

I am one of those people who say nothing lest I say the wrong thing and cause more upset and I really don’t want to be that way. I want to be one of those friends who are able to say something comforting and helpful so here are my questions.

When love.dad.but says that friends text to ask how things are, but when told the situation no one replies – what sort of reply would give you comfort? What can people say that would make a difference?

And on the wishing people Happy New Year situation - would it be kinder not to say anything at all to people you know are having a hard time for whatever reason, or would that also be offensive? I suppose one could say I hope the New Year is better for you but for those of us who know the situation with dementia we know it's not going to be. I really want to know what I should do.

When Dad was alive I used to dread New Year’s Eve. We always just go to our local pub to see the New Year in. I did not always want to go but, not to go, would mean that my husband didn’t go either and that was not fair to him. Just before midnight struck I would always make an excuse and go to the loo because I knew that for us the coming year would just be yet another one filled with anxiety and worry about Dad, or else it would be year we lost him. I would stay there for 10 minutes or so and then stick a smile on and go back out wish others a Happy New Year and when they said it to me I knew it was just what people say to each other at that particular time, but that of course is not the same as close friends.

My boss and myself retired in December 2013 and tragically his wife died suddenly at 62 without any warning at the end of November just gone. I have written to him and also attended the funeral. I want to ring and see how he is doing but how can I give comfort if he tells me he is not coping without her. I know he and his children are devastated and it will take a long time to get to any sort of normality. What do I do or what can I say? Three of us from the office are meeting at the end of the month but I would like to see and talk to him before then and I have already told him he is welcome to call or visit us if he wants to.

Again, I truly do not intend any offence I just want to try and make myself a better friend by saying the right thing at the right time.

 

[CJinUSA]

I have hesitated over making this post for fear of offending anyone and believe me that is the last thing I want to do.

I am one of those people who say nothing lest I say the wrong thing and cause more upset and I really don’t want to be that way. I want to be one of those friends who are able to say something comforting and helpful so here are my questions.

When love.dad.but says that friends text to ask how things are, but when told the situation no one replies – what sort of reply would give you comfort? What can people say that would make a difference?

And on the wishing people Happy New Year situation - would it be kinder not to say anything at all to people you know are having a hard time for whatever reason, or would that also be offensive? I suppose one could say I hope the New Year is better for you but for those of us who know the situation with dementia we know it's not going to be. I really want to know what I should do.

When Dad was alive I used to dread New Year’s Eve. We always just go to our local pub to see the New Year in. I did not always want to go but, not to go, would mean that my husband didn’t go either and that was not fair to him. Just before midnight struck I would always make an excuse and go to the loo because I knew that for us the coming year would just be yet another one filled with anxiety and worry about Dad, or else it would be year we lost him. I would stay there for 10 minutes or so and then stick a smile on and go back out wish others a Happy New Year and when they said it to me I knew it was just what people say to each other at that particular time, but that of course is not the same as close friends.

My boss and myself retired in December 2013 and tragically his wife died suddenly at 62 without any warning at the end of November just gone. I have written to him and also attended the funeral. I want to ring and see how he is doing but how can I give comfort if he tells me he is not coping without her. I know he and his children are devastated and it will take a long time to get to any sort of normality. What do I do or what can I say? Three of us from the office are meeting at the end of the month but I would like to see and talk to him before then and I have already told him he is welcome to call or visit us if he wants to.

Again, I truly do not intend any offence I just want to try and make myself a better friend by saying the right thing at the right time.

Maybe saying simply "I haven't a clue what it would be like to be in your situation, but I care about you, and so when you feel like talking about things or just going out to dinner sometime, let's do so. For instance, would you like to [and suggest something that you could do with him that he would like to do, and then *follow* *through*." If my friend would suggest we go out to lunch - and then name a date and time - that would be a generous gesture. Sometimes *not* talking about the situation is best. Ask! Simply ask how you can make life better - and then FOLLOW THROUGH. My sisters don't even follow through, and then they express concern when I don't email then in a week.

Showing concern, saying you don't quite know what the person is going through, but you are there to listen or hang out with, if they'd like. That's a start.