My mum is in the late stages of dementia

[Suebees]

She had 89th birthday recently. The care home she was in closed in September and she had to move to a different one. She has not been able to walk for about 3 years following a fall and broken hip. She is incontinent, and has not been able to feed herself for a long time. she is now having problems swallowing and has been refereed to the salt team. She is asleep most of the time. When I visit she is always asleep i try to wake her up but she is more and more unresponsive. today she opened her eyes briefly but i dont know if she knew me. She has a pressure sore on her heel and this is getting worse, She is on antibiotics for this as it is infected. Yesterday the only food that she had was a yoghurt and about 100mls of fluid.The doctor has asked about DNR forms. The care home manager has said she is very poorly. I dont know how long this could go on for and the care home dont seem to want to say, they are taking good care of her, but i would rather she was allowed to die if this is the time for her to go. I am really worried that she will choke on food i want her to have a peaceful end. I feel so helpless, I dont want her to die alone, and am going too see her as often as possible. I am an only child - dad died 30 years ago so there's no one to share this with. I do have a husband and 3 children and they are supportive. She has had dementia for about 9 years and been in care for 4 years. Sorry for long post

 

[marionq]

You are understandably very sad Suebees. If we could choose our ending it would not be like this but you are sure people are being kind to your mother and you are doing your best for her. Somewhere in her soul she will know how much you care and that is as much as any of us can hope for - to be loved and remembered by our nearest and dearest.

Good wishes.

 

[canary]

Its the waiting thats the hardest I think.
When MIL was in the final stages I was told that hearing is the last thing to go and it was suggested that I brought CDs of her favourite music in to play. I did so and hope it was a comfort to her.

 

[Midgemay]

I seem to be in the same situation with my mum. She is in a similar condition. She had a chest infection before Christmas and hasn't eaten solid food since then. The care home reduced her sedatives as she was always asleep but is now refusing food and meds although is still drinking. At 98 with severe dementia I can only hope for a peaceful pain free ending for her. I haven't wanted to ask the question 'how long' up till now but as other replies have shown nobody can forecast this anyway. It's just a matter of waiting. I, too, am desperate to be with her but know it might not be possible. Even when she has her eyes closed and seems asleep try talking or even singing a song into her ear and tell her you love her. Then if anything happens while you are away from her you will have the comfort of knowing that you parted on good terms. Yesterday my mum shouted at me to 'go away, get out' but before I left I managed to kiss her and say God bless'. It's all we can do. God bless you too and your mum.