Mum won't get dad a diagnosis.

[mumsyme]

Hi all. This is my first time posting. I'm looking for some help in getting my dad diagnosed. He's very obviously been living with demetic for some time now. At first it was memory slips, couldn't remember the names for things and started miming most of the time for simple words for things like "duck" and "cat". Now though it has progressed to him asking the same question over and over again, not understanding what we are trying to say to him, not recognising his surroundings, not recognising people, although he recognises us he doesn't know any of our names, he talks a lot about when he was a child but doesn't remember my brother who died 10 years ago. He's constantly calling my mum to look at something normal as if he's just discover something amazing and stamps his feet if she doesn't go immediately. He sulks and gets angry through fustration.

The troube is he is not diagnosed and my mum will not take him to the doctors through a long standing distrust of the health care system. Nothing I say to her will budge her on this matter. She needs help in caring for him and he needs to get any kind of assistance that might help slow this down. She's still letting him go out in the car, even though he's forgetting the rules of the road and just driving through red lights if there's nothing coming. I'm so fustrated and I feel so helpless and sick of falling out with my mum over this. I don't know what to do!! I don't even know who his doctor is, or if he even has one
, my mum will not say and I live a 2 hour drive away so getting him to mine would be impossible . Please help.

 

[Delphie]

Firstly, let me say that I have buckets full of sympathy for you in this sad and difficult situation.

But the driving... I'm going to urge you to notify the DVLA and to report him to the police. Maybe I'm being extra sensitive but only yesterday an elderly chap pulled out right in front of me. I was on a main road and going very fast but somehow managed to skid to a stop before I hit him as he pulled out. Shaken up doesn't even being to cover it but he carried on as if nothing had happened. I've no idea if he has dementia, poor eyesight or was simply extremely distracted eek, but one of my sons was with me, managed to get his reg and we reported him to the police there and then. They said we'd done the right thing.

I know it's your dad and the situation is tricky but he could quite easily kill someone, or have someone kill him and then that person will have to live with themselves for the rest of their life. It's not certain the the DVLA or the police will act, but do everything you can. I'd go as far as disabling the car to be honest.

As far as your mum and getting dad diagnosed, you're going to hate me for saying this but I think it's her call and all you can do is encourage her to get extra help. She might be fearful that your dad will be taken into care against both their wishes or she might not want strangers having a say in their lives at all. But there are routes to help without involving the GP. If there's money around then a care agency can be employed to provide carers by the hour, and they can offer all kinds of help, from doing household chores to sitting services to give the carer a breather. If it's the health professionals that your mum is particularly keen to avoid then the social services can still be contacted, and she might be able to get some help through them. To be honest, my mum's social worker was more use to me than her, as mum refused to engage with anyone, but the emotional support I got was very important to me at the time.

Other people might be along with some more positive ideas!

 

[marionq]

Two things. First is that you need to inform the DVLA if he is unsafe on the road. How would you feel if he killed himself or someone else?

Secondly if you explain to Mum that a diagnosis would give her the right to apply for Attendance Allowance and council tax reduction so they would be financially better off. This would help pay for day care should they need it.

If you need a third then remind her that some medications can slow down the rate at which loss of memory deteriorates.

 

[mumsyme]

I totally agree with the driving thing. It's the thing that my mum and I argue about the most and I've set out all these points to her a million times, and expained all the worst case senarios but she is simply refusing to do anything about it so that she doesn't upset his daily routine. It's so fustrating. I haven't thought about contacting the dvla so thank you for that suggestion and I will do that today, I had it in my head that we would have to get him diagnosed before I could do that. I fear it will cause a permanent rift between my mum and I but it's something that needs to be done before anyone gets hurt, it's making me anxious every single day at the thought of it.

I hadn't realised either that she may be able to get some assistance from social services without a diagnosis. I'll phone them and see what they suggest. Thanks for your help

 

[Rageddy Anne]

Mum probably wouldn't be able to stop him driving even if she wanted to, as he probably doesn't think anything is wrong. Has she told you about " running the red lights", or is that something you've seen yourself? How does she feel about being a passenger with him?
Sadly, telling the DVLA does seem to be your only option if you are really concerned about his driving. It can be done without them telling him who reported their concern. It could even have been a stranger, if someone like Delphie encountered him!

Could you subtly sound out your Dad himself to discover if he himself might be concerned about his forgetfulness? My husband took himself to the GP because he was worried about forgetting names etc, and at that time the NHS wouldn't prescribe Aricept until he was diagnosed, three years later. but now the NHS does allow Aricept to be prescribed sooner, and it is believed to help some people.

I SEE YOU'RE ALREADY ONTO ALL THAT I'VE WRITTEN. I HOPE YOU'LL BE ABLE TO STOP WORRYING SOON, AND THAT YOUR MUM WONT EVEN NEED TO KNOW IT WAS YOU WHO MADE THE REPORT.

 

[Mannie]

Must be difficult when getting such strong resistance from your mum. However she is very clearly not acting is his best interest, since he is not getting access to medications , care and funds that he is entitled to, which is neglect.

If you mum does nothing to prevent him from driving when he obviously is too ill, and could therefore unwittingly cause others injury, that is also neglectful of her.

I would try to locate their address book to find their GP. Or call round local GPs in the neighbourhood and ask whether they are a patient, and then explain that your beleive your father has dementia (have ready a list of observations about his behavior) and that he is suffering from neglect due to your mum's fears .

explain your concern that your dad is suffering neglect because of your mum's fears, and ask whether there is a way they can tactfully work around that by calling him in for a "routine health check" at which point the GP can assess quite easily whether your dad has memory problems , and can speak to your mum or yourself about various things. If the letter about the health check gets binned, then the GP can tell you, that they have had no response. At that point I would then get in touch with social services.

You say you do not wish to fall out with your mum, but the way I would think of it is you are letting your dad down badly if you fail to take action when he so clearly is ill and this particular illness means that he is vulnerable, since he is not able to help himself. He is at risk, and he is putting other innocent people at risk, through no fault of his own.

 

[stargirl]

Mumsyme - having been in a similar predicament, I have two pieces of advice for you.

1) as commenters above have said, notify the DVLA. You can do this anonymously. The DVLA will then write to your Dad asking him to visit his doctor and get proof that he is fit to drive.

2) Write a brief letter containing your Dad's full name and DOB, and a brief summary of your concerns. Include that you have safeguarding concerns - this is key, as it means a doctor cannot ignore the letter.
Use google to identify all the likely GP surgeries in the area and send a copy to each one, with 'FAO the doctor of (your dad's name)' on the envelope. Include below the address, 'if not known, please redirect to appropriate surgery'.

Best of luck!