Death of a partner

Buddy

Registered User
Sep 11, 2011
16
0
My Mum is in later stages of Alzheimer's my Dad is her main carer and they have been together for 65 years. She still recognises him,relies upon him for everything and they have a lovely relationship, she constantly looks for him when he is not there. They both live with us in a separate Granny flat and the whole family contribute to looking after them both.
Unfortunately my Dad has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and does not have long to live, we are dreading the time he passes away and I wondered if anyone had experienced a similar situation in that we don't know how my Mum will react to his death. She does not understand how ill he is although we try to gently tell her, her short term memory is non existent so we suspect she will also forget when he has died and will constantly be looking for him and become very anxious.
Any thoughts/experiences would be welcome
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,449
0
Scotland
It is true she may look for him but within a short time there is a good chance she will forget him. In the short term you will have to keep saying eg he is at the shops, he is showering, he is out walking etc. what starts off as distraction will replace her memory of him. Sad but useful at times.
 

Buddy

Registered User
Sep 11, 2011
16
0
It is true she may look for him but within a short time there is a good chance she will forget him. In the short term you will have to keep saying eg he is at the shops, he is showering, he is out walking etc. what starts off as distraction will replace her memory of him. Sad but useful at times.

Thank you that is useful to know, although he has been in hospital and she continually asks for him, we try distraction techniques and they only tend to work for a while and she reverts back to looking for him :-(
 

mancmum

Registered User
Feb 6, 2012
404
0
We found that with constant repetion this information was learned

Everyone is different but we put pointers to what was happening on a memory board [dry wipe] notice board and eventually my father did learn and now does remember that his wife is dead - although he cannot remember the details.

Maybe you need to explain on the board. "we are worried. x is having tests. We need to look after x" Maybe give direct bits of information..operation due 1st May.

His biggest regret was not having a memory of the time my mother said good bye to him. Perhaps now is the time to write a love letter, record a message, whatever is needed to help.

My mother had been his memory and we needed to develop an alternative authoritative source of information. We have the date. What's happening about food. What is coming up (appts, birthdays) and very importantly - what has Been and Gone. If this works it gives someone the dignity of being able to pretend that they remember.

It did then take two years for him to 'settle' after he moved in to live with us.
 

Buddy

Registered User
Sep 11, 2011
16
0
Everyone is different but we put pointers to what was happening on a memory board [dry wipe] notice board and eventually my father did learn and now does remember that his wife is dead - although he cannot remember the details.

Maybe you need to explain on the board. "we are worried. x is having tests. We need to look after x" Maybe give direct bits of information..operation due 1st May.

His biggest regret was not having a memory of the time my mother said good bye to him. Perhaps now is the time to write a love letter, record a message, whatever is needed to help.
Thank you for this information it has given me some ideas to try and prepare my Mum
My mother had been his memory and we needed to develop an alternative authoritative source of information. We have the date. What's happening about food. What is coming up (appts, birthdays) and very importantly - what has Been and Gone. If this works it gives someone the dignity of being able to pretend that they remember.
It did then take two years for him to 'settle' after he moved in to live with us.

Thank you your advice has given me some ideas on how to prepare my Mum