dad goes into care home in monday

[Mother goose]

My mum went into nursing home 2 weeks ago & I was advised by the staff not to tell her it's long term, just a few days. Every day I go in my mum says, I can't wait to get home. She asks me when am I going home. I just keep saying, I don't know it's up to the Drs. Then cleverly, she says I haven't seen any Drs.

When she was at home, was staying in bed from midnight the night before, until 4 or 5 in the aftn. Wouldnt co-operate with the home help or myself & kept refusing to get up & then no food or drink. She also had no sense of danger in the house, climbed on step stool to change light bulb & blew fuse. I removed step stool, she then climbed onto arm of armchair to take clock off the wall. She did many other dangerous things too. So I know she's safe in CH & I don't have the huge worry of finding her fallen or electricuted.

Her memory is very bad & gets confused, but since being in the CH with regular meals & not in bed all day, is now a bit more alert. So she asks me even more when is she going home. I know she is in a safe place & well cared for, as your Dad is too. I hope each day gets better for you all. Many of us on here are going through the same situation, all we can do is keep giving each other advice & all knowing we have made the right decision for our mums or dads, or husbands & wives. Hope we can all try & enjoy the few days of Christmas.

 

[bluejag69]

Oh it is hard! I took my partner of 43years to a home two weeks ago and the first visit was heart breaking - I,d been advised to leave it for a week. He looked so sad -or was that me? He hasn't,t really known who I am for a couple if years but there is a familiarity and trust. The second visit was worse - asked me to get him home. I was devastated I visited today and he seemed more settled - even gave me a hug and kiss today but it,s no easier cor me - I feel like I,'ve abandoned him but after seven years I needed to make a decision so that I could keep myself well and hopefully oversee his care in the home. But it not easy to be logical when your heart is breaking. Hope your dad settles. I don't know if it gets easier as I,m being told - only time will tell. Take care. Mufti

That must be so hard for you, I'm so sorry you are goin through it too. Big hugs to you and hope u manage to have a good xmas.
Jackie xx

 

[bluejag69]

thankyou

Thankyou everyone. It really helps to know you are not alone in goin through this.

I too hope you all manage to have a good xmas, lots of love to you all,

Jackie xxx

 

[Tomjo]

A positive experience -

My mum actually seems better since she went in. I've spent months trying to tempt her to eat, encouraging her to try tidbits of this and that, trying to sneak in extra calories ... today she had bacon and egg for breakfast, ate a bowl of soup and a (small) Christmas dinner, with pudding and brandy butter, then hovered up two turkey sandwiches for tea, while demanding Christmas cake. I took her back to the home and left her tucking into a mince pie and a cup of tea. Never seen her eat like that since dad died seven years ago. Whatever they are doing, it must be something good ... I agree, its the kindness of carers that makes the difference. I think mum is better for being with other people and, for once, not being the poor old thing but actually managing a bit better than the others. So far still so good...

 

[Moliannu]

This is so hard for you. I have just put mum into a care home (2 weeks ago). She had been living with me for nearly a year and after a hospital stay it was decided that it was too much for her to come back with me. I was heartbroken about the decision, but determined to go ahead with it. Leaving her on the first day was just awful. The first few visits were no better. I was the wickedest daughter in the world, how could I have done this to her etc. I came home and cried for ages. But, the last two visits have been fine. I could hardly believe it. Even Christmas day was a good day. I hope everything goes okay for you and I'm sure you have made the right decision.

 

[greenpea]

Dad went in to a ch about 8 weeks ago. He went straight from hospital where he had been because he was getting kidney infections and wasn't doing anything for himself. My sister could no longer cope as his carer. We arranged for one of us to visit each day but all he talked about was going home as he felt there is nothing wrong with him. A family friend who has worked in chs for years said that we were reminding him of home and it would help him if we limited visiting so now we go once a week. He still talks about going home but the staff say he never mentions it when we're not there and he is now joining in with the other residents. He eats very well now and has put back on some of the weight he had lost and seems much happier.

I'm sure you have done the right thing and your dad will settle in as best he can soon.

 

[Mother goose]

My Mum has been in CH for 2 wks & thinks its only temporary. Before CH she was staying in bed all day til 4 or 5 in aftn from midnight evening before & refuse to get up for homehelp or myself & has lost the sense of danger in her home. She had wine every eve & told everyone only had one glass, but I know she had more & would be staggering when I went in.

I knew that in CH, with regular meals, having medication at right time & not in bed all day that it would help her. Her memory is still very bad & gets confused, but now she is in a proper routine every day, she is more alert. So every time I go in to see her, she says I can't wait to get home & your not going to leave me here are you. That is so hard, as I've been saying the Drs need to assess your medication. Now it is 2 weeks, it is getting harder to say the same thing, as she then said, I haven't seen any Drs. She Was assessed the day she was admitted by the local GP.
I really don't know what to say to her anymore.

WE took her out yesterday for Christmas day & talked about it the few days before & kept reminding her. I collected her at 11 oclock & as we drove past a local church there were many cars parked for the Christmas mass. I said to my mum, do you know what day it is, expecting her to say, of course I do. She replied, its Christmas eve.

As a family we were treating ourselves to christmas dinner in a local restaurant. I drove my mum to my daughters & she was quiet, I said your not very chatty. (Considering it was her 1st trip out, I thought she'd be talking). Said she was tired, then she slept the 20 min drive to my daughters. She had a few sips of wine, then slept again for half hr. We then left to go to the restaurant & we bought her a glass of wine, being Christmas. She had a few sips, then asleep again at the table. I had to keep waking her up, in between courses. She was eating the main course & when I looked, was falling asleep over the dinner, with fork in her hand.

We were there 4 hours & my mum asleep for most of it & yet said she really enjoyed it. I decided against taking her out again today, as if she came to our home, she would expect to have wine & again be asleep for the duration. Instead I went to see her at the CH with my daughter & little granddaughter. My Mum kept asking me again about going home & I find it so hard every time, trying to say the right thing. Out of the 2 wks I've gone in every day, apart from 2 days. I was working 1 of the days & looking after my 2 little grandchildren the other day, as my daughter had to have an MRI scan, as she gets headaches every day since Jan. I worry about my Mum & my daughter, but just don't know what to do. It was the hardest decision to apply for the CH & I have no siblings nearby to share the worries with. Should I tell my mum the truth, that the DRs have said shes not capable of living on her own, as she's a danger to herself?

 

[bluejag69]

Mother Goose, I don't know what to say really. Its times like this you almost don't want them to remember what you've said, because you dont want to lie to them.
I'm dreading when dad asks me when he can go home. When I went in xmas day he had loose bowels and just kept wanting to sit in the toilet and shouting, its all stuck at the back, its all hanging out. The nurses were telling him there was nothing there but it became an obsession and he spent the entire time I was there in the loo, getting really angry and frustrated. Poor Dad , I hated it! Hated seeing him like that.

I think he was getting confused with the feelings of wanting to go to the loo. Anyway they said the doc was gonna check him out. I'm goin in tomorrow so fingers crossed he's ok.
Not sure whether to try taking him out in the car in a week or so, he might not go back in the home! Like trying to put a cat in a cat box! Sorry!

Jackie xxx

 

[bluejag69]

Also my 6 year old keeps saying , when can I go and see grandad in his new home? I guess I'll just have to see how it goes. U don't want to scare my son by letting him see some of the men and women in there, its a horrible thing to say but he doesn't understand. You never know what you are goin to get when you get there, what mood dads goin to be in, what state he's goin to be in.
Hmm its hard isn't it?

J xxx

 

[Anongirl]

I still have that fear Bluejag69. My 8 year old feels a little awkward when she goes to the CH but she asks lots of questions and she's learning about dementia. This is now my mum, who still loves her dearly.

My 4 year old son often asks about 'going to grandma's new house'. He isn't phased at all. He just accepts mum as she is and takes all the attention he gets from the elderly ladies!

I always give both children the choice about going to see mum and I will never make then feel guilty about not wanting to go.

It's been one of the tricky things for me because I want to protect them from the horrors of life, as we all do.

I guess it's just finding the balance (I'm still trying!) xxx

 

[greenpea]

Mother Goose, I know it's difficult but we decided each to only visit once a week so dad gets 3 visits altogether each week. We were told our visits reminded him of home and he never mentioned it when we weren't there. Would that maybe work for your mum? And it would give you some of your life back. It was our guilt which made us go so much. As for the doctor visiting, dad has been told he will have a review on 12th January so that's keeping him going till then. Don't know what we'll do after that. He told me yesterday that he'd been told he no longer has a house to go back to. My sister had told him the council will want it back soon. (They have already taken his house but we didn't want to upset him so were gradually telling him bit by bit.) I didn't know what to say to that so changed the subject.

Bluejag, my dad was like that a little while back. Turned out he had severe constipation and so that was causing the runs. Once the constipation was sorted, he was fine. My sister and her daughters went to the CH for Xmas dinner to avoid the 'getting him back in' scenario.

Anongirl, I think it is right to give the children the choice. All the children in our family seem fine with visiting but none of them are pushed in to going.

 

[Mother goose]

My husband & myself visited my mum yest & said I'd be back in today. We live in the country & the roads are very icy today & side roads don't get gritted. I'd be afraid of driving in those conditions, so I won't be able to visit her this afternoon. You're right, Greenpea, I should cut down on visiting. I really hope your Dad is doing ok & it's good he has that date to focus on. Does he ask about going home, every time you visit?

When we went in yest, 1st thing my mum said was, have you come to take me home? Twice later, she asked my husband, did he know when she was going home. He just said, no I don't & change the subject. It's when she says to me when I go in on my own, you're not going to leave me here are you? It's just so difficult to be there, knowing every time, I 'll get the same question. Physically there is nothing wrong with her & tells me she helps all the others in wheelchairs, which I find amazing as she never did anything at home & needed home help every morn & my help the rest of the time. She really thinks there is nothing wrong with her & can't understand why she is there.

Sadly, she has always been very critical of other people & yest said, there's a lady in here that drops her false teeth down & my mum laughed. I said, I expect she can't help it. Then the lady was wheeled in to the room in a wheelchair & had to be lifted into a chair by 2 carers. My mum, said, loudly, look there she is. My mum knew what she was saying & I felt so sorry for the lady, as she couldn't do anything for herself. I was tempted to say to my mum, you actually do that yourself. She has been doing it for last few months.

I've asked my husband to come into the CH with me tomorrow, so we can discuss my mum's situation, with the Head nurse. As she's been in 2 & a half weeks, maybe we should tell her the truth. There is no way she can go back home, as she's a danger to herself & I know she would go straight back to staying in bed all day & night & refuse to get up. She would drink her extra wine & be staggering every evening & then not eat or drink for 17 hours or more.

I really hope your Dad is doing ok & it's good he has that date to focus on.

 

[greenpea]

Yes Mother Goose, dad does ask every single time about going home. He says there is nothing wrong with him and there isn't at the moment physically. I tell him that he's there because of his memory, because he was forgetting to eat and to look after himself properly but he says everyone forgets things now and again. Or he'll say he thinks they think he is going mental. He used to sit at home and do nothing but stare at the tv and complain there was nothing to watch. At least now, there are people there 24/7 for him to talk to and we are told he often wanders round chatting to everyone. And there is no worry for us that he'll take ill and be on his own. Dad has also been critical. There have been times, more recently, when we've been out with him and he's gone up to a complete stranger and told them what he thinks. It's a good idea to talk things through with the nurse and sometimes the carers. We've found them to be very helpful and they often come up with suggestions, although they always say they are not telling us what to do, just what has worked with other people in their experience. Hope it goes well tomorrow.

 

[Mother goose]

Greenpea, my mum also says there's nothing wrong with her & is also physically ok too, like your dad. We visited her this afternoon & she'd just had dinner in the dining room. She was complaining that she had to feed the elderly man sitting next to her. I said the carers are there to do that, you don't need to. She said, if I didn't do it, he wouldn't eat. My worry is that she might be forcing him to eat & he may not want it. I have seen him there, he can't talk very well & is 92. Strangely, she won't talk to the elderly ladies there.

A lot of the residents in the CH are in bed with the flu & the Nurses & carers were very busy. So I didn't want to bother them, by asking how to deal with my mum's situation. She is now more alert & looking so much better, having regular meals & not staying in bed for 17 hrs, as she was doing before. Her memory is very bad though, sadly she doesn't realise. I'm just so relieved she is safe & not living on her own, where she was a danger to herself. I know we will have to talk to her about staying there, very soon as it's almost 3 weeks now.

 

[bluejag69]

Went to see Dad yesterday and he had the toilet thing goin on again. Just kept shouting he needed a ****, then we'd get him there and he'd say, where are we goin, then he'd be panicking, saying, its all coming out, we'd sit him on the loo and he'd start shouting , its all stuck at the back. Anyway without sounding horrid, he was wearing a pad and there was little bits of poo on it, but he was shoutung , help me jackie. I felt so useless, poor dad. He wanted to get off the loo and I didn't have time to vet someone so I ended up wiping his bottom. It was a mess, I'm sure they hadn't been wiping it properly.

Anyway couldnt go in today so I rang and his case worker said he hadn't been that bad today, hadn't been running the loo, had eaten a little and they made sure he drank too. ( he hadn't been eating, he won't put his false teeth in anymore, he gags when he tries to put them in) so he's goin to have to have soft food now. So she wasn't sure if some of the stuff going on is down to anxiety.I said do you think we are upsetting him comin in all the time, she said maybe , so not to go in tomorrow and ring and see how he is.
So we'll see what happens tomorrow. You never know what you are going to get when you go in do you?

Jackie xxx

 

[Mother goose]

Your poor dad, Jackie, it must be embarassing for him & I'm sure it's upsetting for you, to see him like that. Maybe we should cut down on our visits to our mums or dads & perhaps they will settle in CH quicker. I was going in every day to my mum, now I go every other day & will see how it goes.

Yest my mum asked a nurse to ring me at home & said my mum wanted to talk to me. I asked if she was ok & My mum just said, I'm bored here now & I've had enough of staying here. Told her Id be in this aftn & went in with my husband. Ist thing my mum said was, I didn't know you were coming in today. Her memory is very bad, sadly she doesn't realise. Again, as on every visit, asked when going home.

We didn't want to say she wasn't going home, as the staff suggested to say that she'd be there for several more weeks. She seemed to understand but obviously didn't like to hear that. Then 5 mins later, asked again, when was she going home. So I've learnt not to give her too much information, as she can't absorb or retain it & then forgets & asks again. I now realise that I will be questioned on every visit, which I find difficult to deal with, as I'm sure you all do.