Mother not coping with Fathers early dementia - please advise

[choccaholic]

Dear all

I'm new on here and will try not to waffle, but hope someone can advise.

My father has been diagnosed with dementia and his memory is getting progressively worse and with it his temper.
My Mother is very independent and will not go to the Doctor for help or support. Today she came round to me in tears, they had a petty argument that turned into something more frightening for my Mother who says my father 'shouted at her, with eyes bulging and with pure hate in his eyes', she was very frightened.
He is starting to be very nasty towards her when they argue or he gets frustrated, (this is the second time in a week), I am very worried for my Mothers health and how she is ever going to cope as this disease gets worse. I don't even know where to start except I am trying to guide her such as don't say anything to make the situation volatile and to call me if she needs to. Luckily I live five minutes up the road from them but this is starting to become very worrying.

My Sister and I have discussed POA with my father and Mother separately some months ago but it also doesn't help with the generational issues that my Mother does nothing on the household finances, she is a traditional housewife and she is very worried about being able to handle any of this. One good thing is they both agreed that this would be a good idea.

I'm sorry if this has been raised before but I could find nothing on support for a Mother who is struggling to cope already in early stages and how immediate family members can help.

Any advice would be truly appreciated.

 

[marionq]

Get moving on Health and Finance POA as a matter of urgency either through a solicitor or online. Some others can advise you about the latter. His GP can prescribe an anti psychotic which can calm your Dad down but your Mum must find the courage to get help from the health service to diagnose and medicate. Look up social services and find out about attendance allowance and council tax reduction.

Your Dad will get worse unless you get things moving.

 

[BR_ANA]

Get POA as soon as possible.
Make a safe room for your mother ( a place where she can lock herself in and call for help)
Tell your mother to avoid arguing ( I know it is hard) and protect herself.

 

[sistermillicent]

unfortunately if your father is anything like my mum was, you don't have to say or do anything at all for the mood to completely change and to suddenly find yourself in danger of being attacked. I am afraid this is very likely to get worse for your mum.
The best thing you can do to help her is to be there as much as possible and experience what she is experiencing, the utter awfulness of living with someone who is so unpredictable.
We eventually got antipsychotic meds for mum which was the ONLY thing that helped. Believe me, dad and I tried everything we could think of to prevent mum going into a rage but we couldn't manage it.
We gave the meds covertly as she would throw them at us otherwise.

 

[keywest67]

Hi, I think you need to get your Mum to admit she needs help...... firstly to understand the disease and then look at what can be done in the way of medication to manage it, it sounds like you are at the start of this very difficult journey which believe me you can't do without help and support from medical experts..... without wishing to frighten you , your Dads behaviour / symptoms will only get worse.........if medication is given......either antipsychotic or dementia drugs such as memantine, aricept this will help your Dad and in turn your Mum.

My Dad went through this......it's so hard and of course confusing as it feels like the person you love and are trying to help is turning on you, unfortunately they cannot help it, my Dads phase of aggression did not last long, he went on meds to help for around a year but it eventually just went but obviously other symptoms of the disease took hold.

 

[Spamar]

Had the same problem with OH and, like the others, anti-psychotics was the thing that worked, later changed to Memantine, which he is still taking.
Try to persuade your mother that she must get professional help. This will not only make her life easier with correct medication but they will both be eligible for various allowances and other help.
You wouldn't expect to mend a modern car yourself, you let the experts do it. Same here with the body.

 

[Beate]

Wow, you are all very quick with suggesting antipsychotics without even knowing what caused his anger! It's important to establish first what actually happened here and train his wife not to argue with a dementia patient as it's pointless and causes only frustration. Only if the aggression came out of the blue should medication be thought about imho. We have to remember that a lot of anger comes out of fear and the world can be a very frightening place if people constantly disagree with you on what's going on.

She needs to approach social services to get an assessment both for him and herself to see what help is available, like day centre for example, which would give your mum a break.

 

[BR_ANA]

Wow, you are all very quick with suggesting antipsychotics without even knowing what caused his anger! It's important to establish first what actually happened here and train his wife not to argue with a dementia patient as it's pointless and causes only frustration. Only if the aggression came out of the blue should medication be thought about imho. We have to remember that a lot of anger comes out of fear and the world can be a very frightening place if people constantly disagree with you on what's going on.

She needs to approach social services to get an assessment both for him and herself to see what help is available, like day centre for example, which would give your mum a break.

Agree. With my mother I become her mother, her father, her tranquility and her safety. It was hard, it was a new relationship.

Some post that I really like:
http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showpost.php?p=1027402

http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showpost.php?p=413710

 

[Lovetosing]

Maybe you can initiate some help

Dear all

I'm new on here and will try not to waffle, but hope someone can advise.

My father has been diagnosed with dementia and his memory is getting progressively worse and with it his temper.
My Mother is very independent and will not go to the Doctor for help or support. Today she came round to me in tears, they had a petty argument that turned into something more frightening for my Mother who says my father 'shouted at her, with eyes bulging and with pure hate in his eyes', she was very frightened.
He is starting to be very nasty towards her when they argue or he gets frustrated, (this is the second time in a week), I am very worried for my Mothers health and how she is ever going to cope as this disease gets worse. I don't even know where to start except I am trying to guide her such as don't say anything to make the situation volatile and to call me if she needs to. Luckily I live five minutes up the road from them but this is starting to become very worrying.

My Sister and I have discussed POA with my father and Mother separately some months ago but it also doesn't help with the generational issues that my Mother does nothing on the household finances, she is a traditional housewife and she is very worried about being able to handle any of this. One good thing is they both agreed that this would be a good idea.

I'm sorry if this has been raised before but I could find nothing on support for a Mother who is struggling to cope already in early stages and how immediate family members can help.

Any advice would be truly appreciated.

I was in your situation 4 years ago. My mother didn't want to put a name to the obvious problems my father was starting to show (though not aggressive at that stage). Fortunately I took them to most of their GP appointments, which they always went to together and attended when they saw the doctor. On one of the appointments I mentioned to the doctor that I thought dad was getting forgetful and she did the basic memory test and agreed he needed to be referred to the Elderly Care Psychiatric Service. Although this sounded quite scary, the Psychiatrist visited their home fairly quickly (I was there), did some more straight forward memory tests and diagnosed early stage dementia. From thereonin, we had a diagnosis, were referred to Social Services and the Alzheimers Society and have had support from all of these services ever since. Maybe this could be the way forward for yourself. If not, then my advice would be to make an appointment yourself with your parents' GP, contact the Alzheimers Society yourself and discuss the situation with one of their advisors. My other advice would be to attend (with your mom if possible) one of the AS Dementia Friends sessions in your area if possible as they are very helpful and informative. You may also meet other people there who are in a similar situation that could give you some support/advice. When I read your post, I felt it could have been written by myself. Your mom sounds like mine and she found it extremely difficult to adapt to their new relationship and how to deal with new siutations in a different way. It did happen in a very gradual way but has come very hard to her and even now, she does sometimes enflame situations rather than just walk away or approach things differently. I guess you are what you are! 'I've also found that my mom listens to the advice of the professionals rather than myself, even though I may have already made the same suggestions. I think it may be up to you to get the ball rolling and the sooner the better to ensure you get the right support for all the family. As time goes on, it won't be your dad that suffers most from this awful disease, he will get to the point of not knowing about it, it is those looking on and trying to deal with the changed person they knew and loved so much. My father was a very happy, mild mannered gentlemen and has only started to show more aggression in the last 12 months (usually through tiredness or frustration). He has vascular dementia and is on nothing more than Retard to prevent further blood clots and open up the blood vessels. You do need to be tenacious in following through and chasing things up regularly as this illness is an enormous problem for society with not enough resources to go round unfortunately. Therefore things can be quite slow without a gentle, polite nudge from time to time. Sorry to have written in such an epic proportion but I do hope you find at least some of it helpful. Good luck on your journey. Keep us informed.

 

[Spamar]

Beate, we are quick because that is what probably happened to us. It certainly happened to me. It wasn't funny, it was plain scary and, 18 months on, I still have nightmares about it.
I would not like anyone else to go through that. I am fully aware that there are other causes, but if a gp were approached, they could prescribe or send the sufferer to the relevant clinic. The important thing is to get the parents into approaching help, gp or otherwise.

 

[sistermillicent]

I did not suggest that they should try antipsychotics, I was relating my own personal experience and trying to sympathise - it was the only thing that helped.. and having mum on them was not a quick decision, it came after MONTHS of sheer hell, trying every approach we could think of, endless patience and love, we remained optimistic that we could handle it and make a difference by our own reactions and behaviour. We were at times absolutely terrified, I do not want to recount exactly what my mother did to us as I don't think she was responsible for it. We were controlled by mum's illness, which was so unpredictable. But my dad ended up a wreck - our optimism and hope vanished, the bad times became longer and longer until they never went away.

 

[janey106]

Hi Choccaholic, can relate to your posting a lot but in our case it is Mum aggressor. At least you have a diagnosis, Mum's GP won't listen to any of us and tells her she is an average 76 yr old! You will get a lot of advice, support and insight into this cruel disease from the site and whilst scary on occasions, having read such a lot, I feel this helps me manage and understand new behavious and phases as they come along, both for me, Mum and family.
It has taken us 4 years to help Dad accept she is poorly and there is no turning back. Every time there was brief respite he thought we were turning corners: now he knows even the brief periods of absolute clarity are just part of the disease but we make the best of them. The aggression is difficult, we get Dad to back off, agree, identified a room he can lock himself in and trying to get him to carry a charged mobile at all times is current task ... He is 80 and never used one so this is a task in itself. We now keep a diary of all we see and hear and Dad reports so maybe Doctor will eventually acknowledge.
Good luck and keep reading the site .... You are far from alone
Janey106