How to support my dad decide

[Niloc]

Dad is 82 and along with me the only other family ( I am an only child) we have been caring from Mum for 8 years now at home.

Dad has been with Mum for 60 years and throughout her illness has done everything possible to care for her. 14 months ago I gave up work to support him as it was obvious to Al that he was struggling. He would however never admit to this.


Life has got really bad over the last 6 months and I could see we were heading for trouble. Despite begging him to have help in, or consider a home we have continued on because he really doesn't to be without her.

Last week end disaster struck she fell and has broken her pelvis. It has been a nightmare in hospital , the rehabilitation unit she is in are failing to get meds in her because she gets so stressed so I am sitting in the ward from 10 till 6 and then returning at 22:00 to complete administering her meds. I am more than happy to do this and apart from the late night visit Dad is there sitting with her all day long.

I have discussed nursing home options again and he is getting More and more heartbroken. I am breaking myself as I too do not want this to happen, but cannot see the alternatives of hospital beds and carers in their small house being an option.

I really don't know how to console him . I am concerned for both their welfare but feel I am destroying him, I just don't know what to do


Is

 

[Tin]

Oh your poor dad, heartbreaking to read your thread. Do you think your father is coming round to the idea of a care home? It may be the 'powers that be' may tell you both that your mother cannot return to her home.

 

[BabyBoomer]

O dear Niloc how sad for all of you. Is there a chance that both Mum and Dad could move into a CH together? I have just been to see Dad in his new NH and there is a couple resident there who sound s though they have a similar background? Perhaps your SW can explore it as an option. Hope you find some answer that works for you. At least you can vent here. Xx


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[Arbie]

I'm so sad to read you post - this time of year makes it all the more difficult. We were in a similar situation in the summer - dad just could not cope at home any more and mum eventually moved into a nursing home after being in an assessment unit in a small hospital for 10 weeks. She is not settling well but we both know it's the only option.

It's heartbreaking for you all - my mum and dad have also been together for 55 years and he's finding it very difficult to be without her. I think you and your dad will know when the time is right and that your mum needs more help than you can give.

My thoughts are with you all xxx

 

[sistermillicent]

We are in a similar position Niloc, though I have not been generous enough to give up work and family to help dad. Mum went in to emergency respite yesterday and we don't honestly know if she will ever come out. It must be where you are too.

i think my dad has been in some sort of denial and I really wonder if he actually thought mum might even get better, he is clutching on to everything remotely positive, every word, every smile, and it is so sad.

I feel for you, but you are right that sometimes it simply isn't possible to carry on at home any more.

 

[angecmc]

Really feel for you both, my Dad was in that position 20 months ago, he too has been married to Mum for 57 years. Even though she has been in the care home all that time, my Dad is still heartbroken and looks every day for signs that she is getting better and will come home to him, it is so sad to watch. Wishing you all the best at the start of the next part of this horrendous journey xx

Ange

 

[iworry]

Similar situation here - Mum has broken her arm previously - set fire to things in the kitchen etc etc and STILL my sister and I battle with dad to accept help which he won't do. Mum is in the middle-later stages of the condition.

Mum has not been washing for some time, her eating is growing less (not sure how to use cutlery), her anger and swearing is off-the-scale.

All I see is Dad is beginning to break openly crying.

But will he accept help NO!

It feels as if we need to make an intervention and step in regardless of the what he or my mum thinks.

 

[ASH74]

As others have suggested could you explore a couples placement? We are currently looking at this for my in-laws as MIL won't have help in for FIL but she also needs care. As much as they fight and swear at each other (66 years nothing new!) they can't survive apart.

Take care


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