How do deal with distress of 87 year old who begs you to take them home?

[chrissie121]

When you know they are going to be safer in the residential home but it might not be exactly the one you want but at the same time you know she can't remain at home unless you give up your life, your job and become a full time carer...

This must be the worse illness ever! If Mum did not have vascular dementia, she could easily remain at home with help and support in place from the carers and family but with this illness she is not safe at home. It is so heartbreakingly difficult to deal with.

 

[Tin]

It is, it so is. If it wasn't for the dementia my mum would be in her own home happily carrying on with her daily routines.

 

[Pepper&Spice]

Oh Chrissie - what can I say but ditto ditto ditto. My mum is 87, has vascular dementia and I'm in the process of trying to find a home for her as she now needs 24hr care. I too wanted, as she wanted, for her to stay at home pottering in the garden, going to the shops, getting her hair done etc which she could have quite happily continued.
I too know that she will be safer in care and that I could not face coming home from work again to find the paramedics were on their way (sometime !) to pick her up and check her over yet again.
Good luck for the future,
Love P

 

[RedLou]

In the same boat. Anxious call from Dad last night from his hospital ward. In our case, the only way he would remain at home would be if I gave up my job, my home, my husband, my daughter, and my life in Britain and moved to where he lives in the med. Not going to happen.

 

[chrisdee]

When you know they are going to be safer in the residential home but it might not be exactly the one you want but at the same time you know she can't remain at home unless you give up your life, your job and become a full time carer...

This must be the worse illness ever! If Mum did not have vascular dementia, she could easily remain at home with help and support in place from the carers and family but with this illness she is not safe at home. It is so heartbreakingly difficult to deal with.

Its so hard isn't it? My Mum was a physically fit 90 year old, but kept leaving the house between me going and my brother coming after about an hour or so. The inevitable happened, nearly run over twice. she would never understand that she's not safe nor be aware of the fact that our lives had been taken over by her increasing needs. Just keep reminding yourself of all the needs that you cannot keep on and on meeting, and that if she were compos mentis, she would understand, but a person with dementia cannot and sadly, never will.

 

[Dustycat]

I used to often wonder which of my parents would pass away first. If it was Mam I used to think I wouldn't need to worry about Dad as he would be fine. Stilk driving and a full social life. Mam did pass away first but Dad is now in care with Alzheimers after 2 years of caring for him. So cruel is this disease. Xx

 

[Witzend]

My mother was 89 when she went into the CH, and I had this for ages. I wished so much that she could be like some of the others, who seemed to settle fairly quickly and contentedly.
The only thing I found that helped was any appropriate 'love lies' that helped her to think - for that moment since her short term memory was so bad - that it was not for ever, she would be leaving soon. In our case I was 'looking for a nice little flat' for her, 'just down the road from me'. This worked for her since she had always been an inveterate 'mover' and had often talked of moving to a 'little flat'. Some people say it's just until the doctor says you're a bit better/stronger, or 'just while they sort your medication out' - anything that seems to work, really. And of course 'blaming the doctor' who has insisted on the CH 'for now' is always a good ploy.

 

[Tomjo]

ditto ditto ditto

I feel so sorry for you. My mum in a CH since nearly two weeks and so far I've been lucky - she seems to be settling. Like others, my mum was happily pottering in a sheltered flat, and could still be, were it not for the encroaching danger of a confusion which seems to descend from out of the blue, leaving her so vulnerable. Mum has periods when she is perfectly lucid, but it all turns on a sixpence. I never ever imagined her getting dementia ... dying, yes, but to be honest that would have been preferable. I feel guilty about the care home but I'm just not prepared to give up my own life and my chance to get to know my new grandson who lives with my only child in Sydney... I don't think anyone should have to make these choices, its a horrible horrible illness.