TP is the one place I can go for support and help. I just can't stop crying. They want to discharge my Mum again from hospital, but she's no better than when she went in again as a failed discharge. How can she come home when she cannot walk, there is no hoist, no care arranged for her new circumstances. I feel so very I'll and I just can't take any more. I am not doing a hospital visit today but supposed to be having a meeting re her discharge tomorrow. I propose taking a recorder into the meeting with me. I know I need to stay strong but I feel so alone and so very unhappy. I will be spending Xmas on my own which I don't care about this year, but can you imagine what will happen if my Mum comes home and falls again on Christmas day? Its just madness. If I say no, they are not getting her keys can they override my decision? I actually feel suicidal as the pressure being put on me is unbearable. Thank you so much, Sue
Please help me - ive started new thread
- Thread starter SueShell
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Surely they can't discharge your mum with no care arrangements in place. I hope that's what they are going to discuss with you at the meeting. Is there anyone you can take to the meeting with you? I know that if the meeting is tomorrow that could be hard to arrange now. I was wondering about PALS. I'm farad I don't know much about PALS as we don't have that in Scotland. Perhaps someone else will be able to explain whtpat it is and whether is will be if help to you. I've just googled it and out in your location and found this -
http://www.nhs.uk/Service-Search/Pa...esults/135/0.094/51.375/363/16249?distance=25
I also wondered if it would be a good idea for you to phone and talk to someone at Samaritans. They have an a optional listening service and it might be good for you to be able to talk with someone.
http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us
The other option for talking to someone is to phone the Alzheimer Society Helpline. They are open from 10 am to 4pm today. The number is 0300 222 1122
I'm sorry for putting in all these links and numbers but I feel it would help for you to talk to someone. I'm glad you are able to share how you feel here on TP.
http://www.nhs.uk/Service-Search/Pa...esults/135/0.094/51.375/363/16249?distance=25
I also wondered if it would be a good idea for you to phone and talk to someone at Samaritans. They have an a optional listening service and it might be good for you to be able to talk with someone.
http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us
The other option for talking to someone is to phone the Alzheimer Society Helpline. They are open from 10 am to 4pm today. The number is 0300 222 1122
I'm sorry for putting in all these links and numbers but I feel it would help for you to talk to someone. I'm glad you are able to share how you feel here on TP.
Perhaps the meeting re her discharge is just that, to discuss where your mum will be discharged to, SueShell.
It is obvious your mum is not fit to be discharged to the care of one relative and perhaps the meeting will be in her best interests.
Please don`t despair yet.
If I`m wrong and the powers that be want to discharge your mum to your care, you can refuse. It is no terrible thing to do. You refuse because you are unable to manage the situation.
It is obvious your mum is not fit to be discharged to the care of one relative and perhaps the meeting will be in her best interests.
Please don`t despair yet.
If I`m wrong and the powers that be want to discharge your mum to your care, you can refuse. It is no terrible thing to do. You refuse because you are unable to manage the situation.
You sound like you have had more than enough to bare! You must tell them at this meeting that you are suffering from carers breakdown and at this moment can no longer support nor care for your mum. It would be dangerous to put the care back to you. You need a break. Tell then that she is a vulnerable adult and that you will hold them wholly responsible if your mother comes to any harm whilst you believe they are looking to discharge her back to her home. Tell them that you believe that a care home is the most appropriate place for her right now and one needs to be found for her that is right for her needs prior to her being discharged.
If they insist on sending her home then ask what 24hour package is available to her bearing in mind what has happened in the very recent past and she is no better. Can she pick up a phone from where she falls? No. Can she use/keep on herself a care alarm for if she falls? I doubt it.
Do not feel guilty, you are not abandoning your mum, she needs this, she really does and you, bless you, are fighting her corner. Well done you. I do hope for both you and your mum that you win x
If they insist on sending her home then ask what 24hour package is available to her bearing in mind what has happened in the very recent past and she is no better. Can she pick up a phone from where she falls? No. Can she use/keep on herself a care alarm for if she falls? I doubt it.
Do not feel guilty, you are not abandoning your mum, she needs this, she really does and you, bless you, are fighting her corner. Well done you. I do hope for both you and your mum that you win x
Sue, this is absolutely awful. What would happen if you just didn't turn up for this meeting, and therefore removed yourself from all involvement from your mum's discharge? Would that bring them to their senses do you think?
Get yourself an emergency appointment tomorrow with your GP. If you're feeling suicidal, it's an emergency. Please get yourself some help.
With love and support. xx
Get yourself an emergency appointment tomorrow with your GP. If you're feeling suicidal, it's an emergency. Please get yourself some help.
With love and support. xx
Don't stay 'strong' at the meeting, let them see the state you are in, cry and cry more. Show them the state you are in, let them see how frail you are. I really do hope that the meeting is all about a care package. If they don't do the right thing you'll end up in hospital too!
Are you in touch with the local Alzheimer's Society? You can ask them to send someone to accompany you to the meeting. Also, who says it has to be tomorrow? You have to take control. Tell them you can't make tomorrow. Then suggest a meeting at your terms.
Oh Sue, this is similar to my situation in the summer but sit tight, at the moment your mom is safe and she cannot be discharged if you don't feel able to cope with her. I had the meeting and persuaded the "experts" that mom needed 24/7 care. I felt awful at the time but could not struggle any longer. Four months on, we are all a lot happier as mom is in a care home and settled with lovely carers and others who are in similar frame of mind.
Love
Sue xx
Love
Sue xx
Sue - if you do go to the meeting and on your own, I would suggest that you make a note of all you want to say beforehand. Tick it off as you go. If you can't record the meeting (note, you'll need all their agreements to record) take notes of what they say. Take your time. Don't be rushed.
You should tell them what you've told us - that they are driving you to suicidal feelings - as well as your concerns for your mother's safety.
If you are going to refuse to care for her (and you have that right; do NOT feel guilty) then tell them that you will not be available to care for her, nor to liaise with the carers, nor to check on her - if that's how you feel - and stick to it.
If you are depressed, you will find it difficult to assert yourself. This is why you may need an advocate with you, or at least a check list as above.
Take care. It may seem harsh to say it but in my view your mother has had her life. You deserve yours.
You should tell them what you've told us - that they are driving you to suicidal feelings - as well as your concerns for your mother's safety.
If you are going to refuse to care for her (and you have that right; do NOT feel guilty) then tell them that you will not be available to care for her, nor to liaise with the carers, nor to check on her - if that's how you feel - and stick to it.
If you are depressed, you will find it difficult to assert yourself. This is why you may need an advocate with you, or at least a check list as above.
Take care. It may seem harsh to say it but in my view your mother has had her life. You deserve yours.
Hello sueshell
I feel devastated for you...is your mum insisting to go home?...if shes deemed to have capacity..then legally they can insist on her behalf...in a normal situation..but any human being with an ounce of brains could see that going home would make her vunerable!..
Have you asked to speak to the chief exec of the hospital?...they cant say no...and if they delay..I would say that if your mothers human rights and care act 2014 is ignored..as your mum is a vunerable adult...I would tell them that due to the time of year and delay to a response from the ombudsman...in your mums best interests...you will contact your local bbc and itv station...without fail.....try the older persons commissioner ..if I find the number I ll put it on tp..
This situations sounds like its taken you to the brink!..please be assured that we all know from reading your tps that you have the strength to fight the system..and even though you feel weak..sad..and desperate..believe in yourself ..and the loudest voice gets heard!!!..theyve completely battered you down..but we are all behind you...and if they take on one they take us all on!.. if you feel like screaming do it...!..you need to to get the pressure out!...best wishes..
Sent from my GT-I9505 using Talking Point mobile app
Hi again...dont know what region your in..keep that to yourself...if youre in wales..there is an older persons.commissioner...it all over the web... the spokesperson for rest of uk left...but mp for care and dementia..is rt hon norman lamb..mp of norfolk lib dems.....if I get time I ll search no s out..hope this helps....ps n. Ireland have their own also..
Sent from my GT-I9505 using Talking Point mobile app
Do the "they" you refer to mean the medical team? The medics may say there isn't a medical reason for your Mum to stay in hospital.
You need to find out what the physiotherapist and possibly the occupational therapist say. Has she been assessed by them? If she cannot walk, then a good physio can tell the medics that he/she thinks that your Mum is unfit for discharge, because of her mobility issues. Speak to them and get their professional opinion.
If your Mum is on a care of the elderly ward, then I would hope that they are familiar with this situation. At this time of year they are more desperate than ever for beds, but it's pointless discharging someone who may be readmitted within a couple of days - and the consultant in charge of your Mum's care should know that.
From my experience, sometimes one needs to use a charm offensive to get the medical and nursing teams etc., on your side. Stay strong Sue.
Thinking of you.
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Couldn't have put it better, and I agree with everyone else's advice.You cannot do this Sue, you deserve a healthy life for yourself too. Hugs to you xxx
How about getting on to Bromley Alz, and Bromley Carers first thing on Monday? I have seen an outreach worker from one of the local Alz branches talk SS into changing their minds, it can be done.
You really need support at this meeting, maybe it will have to be delayed until you get that?
S.S always talk about a crisis point, you need to show them that you are there NOW. Is your mum determined to go home? If so, you must explain that you are too ill to look after her yourself.After all, its the truth.
Sending as much support as I can muster.
You really need support at this meeting, maybe it will have to be delayed until you get that?
S.S always talk about a crisis point, you need to show them that you are there NOW. Is your mum determined to go home? If so, you must explain that you are too ill to look after her yourself.After all, its the truth.
Sending as much support as I can muster.
You could also write a short letter detailing why your mum would not be safe, and hand a copy to everyone in the meeting. You do express yourself well in writing Sue, and if they have it on paper they would find it harder to ignore or misrepresent your position.
Hi Sue, use this meeting to tell them that you are no longer going to be responsible for your Mums care due to your own ill health, as others have said tell them you feel suicidal and have to put your own needs first, tell them they will need to find emergency respite care for your Mum with view to it becoming permanent. Tell them again that you know your rights, that you can not be forced to care for an adult. I would say that you feel you are being bullied by them all. It is a real pity you can't book yourself into a hotel when they are trying to discharge your Mum. I do feel you need someone to support you at this meeting, postponing it due to your ill health could be a good idea, as it would perhaps give you time to get someone to go with you. So sorry you are going through this xx
Ange
Ange
Sue,
When I had problems over my mother's treatment in hospital I had help from the following:
PALS service - on the day I contacted them to raise an issue they had the relevant member of staff on hand in the ward before I even I arrived there. Better for short-term issues rather than long term complaints.
Healthwatch: http://www.healthwatch.co.uk/ - if you use this you have to locate the local provider in your area. They provide advocacy services. I didn't need someone to speak for me but I was still able simply to get some useful advice about grounds for arguments I could use myself and my local service was willing to help on that basis. The info I was given for my particular issue was useful.
AS and Age UK fact sheets and helplines.
Complaints/CQC: Important to be prepared to escalate to these but probably not much use before a meeting tomorrow.
All of these things are a bit variable and depend on who you happen to get at the other end of the line, especially the ones that are at local level. Just the fact that you've involved PALS or another similar organisation shows that you're aware of your rights and in my experience makes the medical professionals a lot more careful about behaving in this irresponsible way. I hope you get a satisfactory resolution.
When I had problems over my mother's treatment in hospital I had help from the following:
PALS service - on the day I contacted them to raise an issue they had the relevant member of staff on hand in the ward before I even I arrived there. Better for short-term issues rather than long term complaints.
Healthwatch: http://www.healthwatch.co.uk/ - if you use this you have to locate the local provider in your area. They provide advocacy services. I didn't need someone to speak for me but I was still able simply to get some useful advice about grounds for arguments I could use myself and my local service was willing to help on that basis. The info I was given for my particular issue was useful.
AS and Age UK fact sheets and helplines.
Complaints/CQC: Important to be prepared to escalate to these but probably not much use before a meeting tomorrow.
All of these things are a bit variable and depend on who you happen to get at the other end of the line, especially the ones that are at local level. Just the fact that you've involved PALS or another similar organisation shows that you're aware of your rights and in my experience makes the medical professionals a lot more careful about behaving in this irresponsible way. I hope you get a satisfactory resolution.
Thank you to everyone! I don't feel strong but I must be, not only for what is in Mums best interest but mine too. I haven't even seen the physios on this ward at all, which is my point. If they haven't even tried to get her out of bed how can she come home. That is why she ended up in hospital within 3 hours of being discharged because the physios knew she couldn't walk but still sent her home with a commode. I said at the time to them if she cannot stand how is she going to get out of bed and use the commode. I can't carry her dead weight, I've already got a serious back injury. As some of you have mentioned at the last best interests meeting all of them except the nurse were pressurising me to let her home, the ward doctor,the two physios and the SW. I have made official complaint to my MP and local Cllr about the appalling way it was dealt with citing the doctor and SW involved.
I think I need to start the meeting off with handing over a copy of the e-mail I sent to MP and Cllr as obviously they are unaware I've made a formal complaint. If she is bed ridden now surely I need things like a hoist, inco pads,etc as they will be encouraging her to be incontinent. Once again I'm so very grateful for all your support. What would I do without you all xx
I think I need to start the meeting off with handing over a copy of the e-mail I sent to MP and Cllr as obviously they are unaware I've made a formal complaint. If she is bed ridden now surely I need things like a hoist, inco pads,etc as they will be encouraging her to be incontinent. Once again I'm so very grateful for all your support. What would I do without you all xx
