I have cared for my partner of 43 years for the past seven years as his dementis progressed. I have used limited day care and some respite periods, but just two weeks ago the opportunity of a room in a local care home came up and he is currently there on a trial basis. They are building a new block with en suite rooms and I hoped to hold on until they were ready but there was a dlay. He is in a nice room with food staff and a great manager. He is well cared for and safe. So why do I feel so heart broken and desperate? I didn't visit the first week but when I did he didn't seem to really recognise me. That's such a change - even though he hasn't really known who i am for about two years, he always was eager to come home after respite. this time he just sat and made no attempt. The staff say he is settled - eating, sleeping, interacting with staff and other residents. So why am i so unhappy? It's a mixture of guilt - as I am considering making the place permanent. It's a feeling of loss - he is managing without me! It's a feeling of grief - he is no longer with me. The first visit on wednesday was horrendous for me - what have I done to him? How can I leave him there with strangers? How can I do this just before Xmas? How will I live without him? Feeling guilt at the prospect of some freedom. Afraid to enjoy myself. Dreading the future. Everything in this house reminds me of him and our life prior to this illness. I am scared of visiting again and am putting it off. I have never felt so powerless. From a strong woman i have become an emotional wreck! I sit up at nights til about 2 am - just go over and over things in my head. My friends say it will get easier. Does it? Speak to me other TPs.
biggest decision of my life
- Thread starter Mufti
- Start date
Oh my love, I understand completely. John has only been in his Care Home for 7 months, and the pain is dreadful. In fact, if anyone else says "have a nice Christmas", after having told me all the fun things they have planned, I shall commit murder. 
Oh my love, I understand completely. John has only been in his Care Home for 7 months, and the pain is dreadful. In fact, if anyone else says "have a nice Christmas", after having told me all the fun things they have planned, I shall commit murder.
Xmas never meant much to us but suddenly it has become the most important feast ever! How stupid! I had one of those cards from friends with a summary of their year - instead of being interested, I felt envy! Not a very good feeling! I hope I can start to visit soon. Luckily I have been invited to friends for Xmas day - I should be very grateful but am anxious - do I visit oh on day? Who would it benefit? Would I go just in case others thought badly of me? Oh, I hate this illness and what it does to our loved one and us!x
How very very painful for you Mufti. To feel so much when you are trying to do your best and have been doing it so long seems especially harsh. After so long of course you are never likely to forget your life together but I have watched my sister pick up her life again after many years of caring. Like everything else in life you just do it - bit by bit it becomes the new normal.
Good wishes.
Good wishes.
My husband went into full time care just before last Christmas. Dec 16th I was physically and emotionally incapable of continuing to care for him myself.
I had a great need to visit even though he no longer knew me. He never asked to leave and really only responded to staff not me, but I still. Needed to visit. I did go on Christmas Day, I opened his presents and cards but he was not interested in them.
He actually died in April so now I am completely alone.
I am making anew life for myself and am generally at peace about his death, but I do miss the man he used to be.
My health has been dreadful since his death, and I amnot alone in that, others who have cared formany years seem to have health problems when their partners die.
It is eRly days for you , please try not to judge yourself. There is a tipping point for all of us, I reached mine,andyou have reached yours.
Sending love. Jeannette
I had a great need to visit even though he no longer knew me. He never asked to leave and really only responded to staff not me, but I still. Needed to visit. I did go on Christmas Day, I opened his presents and cards but he was not interested in them.
He actually died in April so now I am completely alone.
I am making anew life for myself and am generally at peace about his death, but I do miss the man he used to be.
My health has been dreadful since his death, and I amnot alone in that, others who have cared formany years seem to have health problems when their partners die.
It is eRly days for you , please try not to judge yourself. There is a tipping point for all of us, I reached mine,andyou have reached yours.
Sending love. Jeannette
Believe me, Mufti - after eight months of visiting my husband every day in his NH a certain acceptance of our situation has developed. I still have moments and days even of extreme emotion and grief - early evenings are the worst but suppose I have learnt to distract myself and now find I can just work through the sadness. Of course Christmas and this end of the year is very difficult - especially with all the well meaning friends who seem to enjoy a perverse pleasure in talking about their plans and then say "but of course you will be spending Christmas at the Nursing Home" as though I will be doing penance for some misdoing or other. Please do visit him as regularly as you can - he is the same man - I just sit for 4/5 hours a day and hold my husband's hand, have ridiculous conversations, carry out small tasks and just take what time there is left with him. I feel I am his eyes, ears and voice these days.
If you didn't feel grief and sadness for the life you had with your man, and for him you wouldn't have shared a caring relationship with him. Hard though it is try to remember and enjoy memories of the good times and be easy on yourself - it won't get better but you will learn to accommodate and live with the feelings.
Loving thoughts for you both.
Oh Mufti, how I recognise all of those feelings ... Guilt, regret, relief etc.
Roger has been in care now for almost 3 years, and yet it seems like yesterday when he went into the assessment unit. I still miss him dreadfully, but know I did the right thing for both of us. I have accepted the situation.
Your partner is safe, well cared for and contented, which is brilliant. It sounds like he is receiving excellent care. He clearly also feels secure where he is.
As for you, now it's time to rebuild your life by doing some of the things you have stopped, like coffee with friends. You have done all you can for him and you need some time for you. I do many things during my day, but then go on to visit R in his NH. I will keep that up for as long as I can.
He knows me in so much as he knows I'm someone who cares about him, and we both enjoy my visits, even though things have changed so much over the time. I would love to bring him home, but in my heart, I know that can't happen. He would be frightened and I wouldn't be able to cope on my own.
It does get easier, and knowing that they are safe and well cared for goes a long way.
P.s we have been together for 43 years too! We finally got married 6 years ago today
Roger has been in care now for almost 3 years, and yet it seems like yesterday when he went into the assessment unit. I still miss him dreadfully, but know I did the right thing for both of us. I have accepted the situation.
Your partner is safe, well cared for and contented, which is brilliant. It sounds like he is receiving excellent care. He clearly also feels secure where he is.
As for you, now it's time to rebuild your life by doing some of the things you have stopped, like coffee with friends. You have done all you can for him and you need some time for you. I do many things during my day, but then go on to visit R in his NH. I will keep that up for as long as I can.
He knows me in so much as he knows I'm someone who cares about him, and we both enjoy my visits, even though things have changed so much over the time. I would love to bring him home, but in my heart, I know that can't happen. He would be frightened and I wouldn't be able to cope on my own.
It does get easier, and knowing that they are safe and well cared for goes a long way.
P.s we have been together for 43 years too! We finally got married 6 years ago today
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Hello Mufti, although l am not in you position yet but dread it happening. So sorry you are having such a bad time l feel for you, this time of the year is not a good time for some of us, l have been caring for my hubby for 7yrs it is such a hard task, but l know l will not be able to do it for ever. I do hope you wiĺl feel a little better in the new year, please let us know how you are, sending you a big (((((HUG)))) ♡♡♡
Dear Mufti,
I have just read your post and have wept for you. I have just posted a similar one myself after having just placed my mum into residential care. I share your pain. All I can do is think about you and send my thoughts to you. When I visit my mum the next time I will remember, I am not alone in this and other people's pain is as great, and in some cases even more painful than mine. I hope you stay strong.
I have just read your post and have wept for you. I have just posted a similar one myself after having just placed my mum into residential care. I share your pain. All I can do is think about you and send my thoughts to you. When I visit my mum the next time I will remember, I am not alone in this and other people's pain is as great, and in some cases even more painful than mine. I hope you stay strong.
Dear Mufti,
My thoughts are with you.
It's ANOTHER bereavement that you are having to cope with on this journey through dementia. I have not reached your point yet, but I know from reading others experience on here, it does improve. Do you have access to some counselling?
Take good care of yourself.
G x
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My thoughts are with you.
It's ANOTHER bereavement that you are having to cope with on this journey through dementia. I have not reached your point yet, but I know from reading others experience on here, it does improve. Do you have access to some counselling?
Take good care of yourself.
G x
Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
Mufti, I am not in the same position, but your post moved me so much I felt I had to post. I am so sorry. This may be no help at all, but am sending you love and support, and wish I could say or do something to make it better. xx
Thank you. Sadly Roger has no memory of getting married, so the day will pass. I remember it though, and my neighbour always sends me a card and peach roses which is lovely.
Dear Mufti. My loved one moved to his CH about the same time as Scarlett and WIFE. I agree with them entirely. You will feel totally bereft and guilty for some time to come. You will find people make entirely inappropriate remarks like how you can now do whatever you like/get on with life, etc, which are upsetting in themselves. You will wish, as we all do, that you could bring him home as they can't care for him as well as you can when commonsense tells you that you had done all you possibly could. My slight lessening of guilt came a few weeks ago when I actually saw how well he related to his carers and how contented he now seems to be. I can't fault the way he is cared for as I know he can be very difficult at times but they take it all in their stride and are good humoured and affectionate. Unfortunately I can't visit every day as his CH is about a 35 mile round trip but go every other day. As a good friend said at least I still have him, some days good, some not but he is there. Sorry, this probably hasn't helped but the intensity of your feelings will gradually lessen somewhat but not your sense of loss. Best wishes.
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Sent from my GT-N5110
Thanks for all your posts. Just when you feel so alone - along come all of you with empathy,virtual hugs and sharing! I slept quite well last night and am going to try to pop in today - feel the fear and do it anyway as my partner used to say - he was a counsellor for twenty years. Just had a call from my best friend in Belfast! Always there for me. So glad rags on and here I go. X
O dear, such a sad timeMufti. Please don't think you are alone with these feelings.
Christmas heightens all our emotions I think and guilt is such a difficult emotion to live with.
You have done your best as we all do and it is all we can do. I hope your husband settles in well. Do visit and get to know the carers. I think it helps both them and you.
My husband was desperate to come home 4 years ago at this time.
He'd had an emergency amputation at the beginning of October 2012 which had caused his dementia to get gradually much worse whilst in hospital.
I had his room all ready downstairs for him to return to but the powers that be decided that he needed to go to a different hospital for mental health for a couple of weeks as they had started him on rispiridone to combat his recent paranoia.
They said he would be able to be at home longer if he went into this hospital , just for two weeks or so.
I capitulated after much argument- he was so very keen to come home.
He never, ever came home again.
His mental and physical condition worsened over the 6 months in this hospital and the decision was taken by his consultant that he should go into a nursing home.
I argued and argued but who am I? Against all those professionals.
I still live with the guilt of that and will never lose the sense that I betrayed my husband. Nor will I ever forgive those 'professionals' who persuaded me to let him go into that hospital "for just 2 weeks".
You will feel more used to your husband being in the home in time.
It will get easier to accept the situation.
It doesn't mean you will ever like it, I didn't.
Best wishes. x
Christmas heightens all our emotions I think and guilt is such a difficult emotion to live with.
You have done your best as we all do and it is all we can do. I hope your husband settles in well. Do visit and get to know the carers. I think it helps both them and you.
My husband was desperate to come home 4 years ago at this time.
He'd had an emergency amputation at the beginning of October 2012 which had caused his dementia to get gradually much worse whilst in hospital.
I had his room all ready downstairs for him to return to but the powers that be decided that he needed to go to a different hospital for mental health for a couple of weeks as they had started him on rispiridone to combat his recent paranoia.
They said he would be able to be at home longer if he went into this hospital , just for two weeks or so.
I capitulated after much argument- he was so very keen to come home.
He never, ever came home again.
His mental and physical condition worsened over the 6 months in this hospital and the decision was taken by his consultant that he should go into a nursing home.
I argued and argued but who am I? Against all those professionals.
I still live with the guilt of that and will never lose the sense that I betrayed my husband. Nor will I ever forgive those 'professionals' who persuaded me to let him go into that hospital "for just 2 weeks".
You will feel more used to your husband being in the home in time.
It will get easier to accept the situation.
It doesn't mean you will ever like it, I didn't.
Best wishes. x
All the best for today, Jan.
A special day for you both even though it will bring sadness too.xxx
A special day for you both even though it will bring sadness too.xxx
