Should we tell mum about death of grandma?

[Ktynan]

Hello!
Unfortunately my grandma passed away two days ago. My mum has frontotemporal dementia and suffers with high levels of anxiety. My grandma was my dads mum, and they have been separated since I was a child. I'm unsure whether telling her is a good idea, as I'm not sure how she will react?

Has anyone else had a similar situation or advice?
My grandma lived across the country from my mum so it would be a great stress for both of us to take mum out of her routine and to the funeral!
Thanks

 

[Pete R]

One of my Mom's (Vas D and in a NH) best friends died this summer. I decided not to tell her. Mom has not mentioned her for a long time and doesn't seem to react to that group who are still alive.

One of the friends daughters was not too happy at the funeral and actually took my Mom's name out of her Eulogy. She did later apologise but for me had no reason to. We all deal with death in different ways.

 

[Katrine]

I can't see how it would benefit your mum to tell her of her ex-MIL's death, nor take her to the funeral. It is a big ask for someone with FT dementia to attend such a sad and emotional event. Your mum's feelings are increasingly focused on herself and she may lack empathy. A funeral is likely to be seen by her as a reminder of her own mortality, not a celebration of someone else's life.

However, YOU have lost a grandma. Are you able to attend the funeral (if you want to) and have you got friends who can support you with your own sadness and loss? In an ideal world your mum would be your support, but she isn't able to do that.

Take time to acknowledge your own feelings and needs. It's not easy, when you are also dealing with those of your vulnerable mother, but you are equally important. Please try to find a way to acknowledge your grandma's passing that isn't focused on your mum.

 

[Witzend]

Personally I wouldn't tell her, especially not if it's someone she didn't see regularly and isn't asking about. I wouldn't even think of taking her to the funeral, either, and if anyone should ask why she's not there, I'd just say she's not well enough to travel, which would be perfectly true. And most especially, I wouldn't feel at all bad or guilty about any of this. When it comes to dementia, whatever will cause the least upset/distress/agitation is IMO the best possible course.

 

[Grace L]

If I had the time over again, I would not have told my husband (VaD) my mum had died.

Mum had been ill with chest infection, but took a sudden turn.
In the run up to this, there were quite a few phone calls to my sister, Doctors, GP's
My husband was distressed and highly suspicious of all 'these calls' I was taking, was already angry with me.

Mum went in for surgery, but died.... (I spoke to her hours before)....
I told my husband mum had died ... and he said .... "What's your point?"

As you can imagine there were lots of tears .... this made my husband angry...
Then there were flowers arrive.... which made my husband angry and suspicious...
Cards.... more anger...

Each time I had to explain mum had died.... and each time he would claim to not having been told.
This went on for several days, and I ended up taking down the cards and giving away flowers.

The stress it caused me was just not worth it, and I would not like to live that again.

I don't think he ever realised mum had died, occasionally asked 'how's your mum ?'... and I'd reply ' fine ' ...
I had to pretend mum was alive and well.... as answering honestly would have caused us both stress.

 

[love.dad.but..]

I don't have experience of this it was hard enough guiding Dad through the aftermath of mum's sudden death at home when Dad was left alone overnight until we found her and him in a very confused state and Dad veered from clarity to saying at the funeral 'who is in the box'. So...especially as it wasn't her mum I would say no don't tell her. She won't probably make sense of any of it or remember with any meaningful clarity.

 

[Ktynan]

Thank you all for your kinds words and thoughts. Myself and my sister have decided not to tell mum, like said it would cause her too much stress and anxiety! Thank you for the support, it's always good to not feel alone in these situations