Miserable Christmas

[Dustycat]

I feel like I am having the worst christmas of my life. My mum died in the summer of cancer but she also had dementia. My Dad has Alzheimers and I have just placed him in care. He's not happy and it's tearing me apart. I'm trying to be strong. My husband has threatened to leave me if I even contemplate taking Dad out of care. Talk about a rock and a hard place. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I am an only child so feel like no one cares or can help me. Merry Christmas. ....

 

[LYN T]

I feel like I am having the worst christmas of my life. My mum died in the summer of cancer but she also had dementia. My Dad has Alzheimers and I have just placed him in care. He's not happy and it's tearing me apart. I'm trying to be strong. My husband has threatened to leave me if I even contemplate taking Dad out of care. Talk about a rock and a hard place. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I am an only child so feel like no one cares or can help me. Merry Christmas. ....

Dustycat, believe me when I say we care here. I'm so sorry that your Mum passed in the Summer, you must feel very lost and sad. On top of that you say you had to put your Dad in a CH, but you didn't. Blame Dementia for putting him in a CH -it wasn't you.

Your Husband is probably trying to protect you from all that would go with taking your Dad away from his CH.

You are understandably grieving for both your Mum's passing and your Dad. From what I understand 'firsts' are difficult to deal with so this first Xmas will be hard but please continue to post as you will receive plenty of support here. You are not alone.

Take care

Lyn T X

 

[Megel]

I feel like I am having the worst christmas of my life. My mum died in the summer of cancer but she also had dementia. My Dad has Alzheimers and I have just placed him in care. He's not happy and it's tearing me apart. I'm trying to be strong. My husband has threatened to leave me if I even contemplate taking Dad out of care. Talk about a rock and a hard place. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I am an only child so feel like no one cares or can help me. Merry Christmas. ....

Hi Dustycat - Christmas is a loaded time in that we are pressured to believe we should be happy and have fun - You need to stop expecting it to be this way as you are still grieving for your mother (which is a process that can take some time. Your dad needs to settle in in his new home - this is another thing which will take time as he will be confused and probably not remember where he is for awhile - which is scary for him (just remember you have but him somewhere where he is getting 24 hour care, and that the staff will work to settle him down - and that you have done your best to make sure he is safe and well looked after).
I feel that your main concern at present is your husband - did he make this threat for your own good or is it because something is wrong within your relationship. I think you need to have a good talk with him, explain you are still grieving and that everything is upsetting, if he is understanding he will help you through the worries as best he can.
Don't feel that it is all because you are an only child - I have a brother who refuses to do anything including visit our parents in care or talk about the situation. I do however have a husband who is understanding though not as good as some of my friends for talking things through.
I wish you the best and remember to remember the positives in your life

 

[henfenywfach]

I feel like I am having the worst christmas of my life. My mum died in the summer of cancer but she also had dementia. My Dad has Alzheimers and I have just placed him in care. He's not happy and it's tearing me apart. I'm trying to be strong. My husband has threatened to leave me if I even contemplate taking Dad out of care. Talk about a rock and a hard place. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I am an only child so feel like no one cares or can help me. Merry Christmas. ....

Hello dustycat
Firstly im really sorry for your loss...and it seems your trying to do everything for everyone...its coming at you from all sides...I hope your dad settles in and youve clearly done what you think is right for him..really hard for you..as youve clearly put your mum and dad ahead of your own feelings...
Your oh will probably never understand how you feel really whether supportive or not..its a unique journey only carers of a parent with dementia feel so intensly..thats not to say other carers dont understand..just looking after a parent like they looked after you..is quite unbalancing emotionally...
Seems that the one person being forgot in all this is you!..find out who you are and what makes you happy..its your turn to come first..hopefully those around you will realise that!..best wishes

Sent from my GT-I9505 using Talking Point mobile app

 

[sleepless]

Dustycat, my mum died just a week before Christmas, ten years ago, then three years ago I lost someone even dearer to me, and the funeral was two days before Christmas.
In these circumstances there is really no point expecting to have a normal festive season.
We just stayed home and quietly rested both times.
"Be kind to yourself" may seem an overused phrase, but this is what we did.
As has already been said - you did not put your father in a home - dementia did.
Don't expect too much of Christmas this year, or of yourself.
You are grieving the loss of your mum, and hurting because your dad is not home. Both of these are hard, but it will get better.
Sleepless

 

[Rageddy Anne]

Dear Dustycat
Just wanting to say sorry that feel so desolate. i'm an ONLY too, but from what I've seen on here, sometimes brothers and sisters aren't all they're cracked up to be.

I expect your husband is trying to protect you from the worst this horrible disease can do to someone trying to do their best for their close family members. You are doing your very best.

I hope your dad becomes more reconciled to being cared for in his new home. Dementia can sometimes make people very unhappy in whatever situation they are in, and what you've done was done with his wellbeing in your heart. You couldn't have done more.

 

[Chemmy]

Be kind to yourself and perhaps lower your expectations of what Christmas 'should be like' for you and your dad this year. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks - you are grieving and should be allowed to do so in your own way. And if that means not feeling festive, so be it.

My mum passed away on Christmas Eve two years ago, and I couldn't talk to, let alone see, anyone on Christmas Day that year...not even my grown-up children.

But last year was OK and this year we are looking forward to our little granddaughter's first proper Christmas.

There will be many other Christmases for you so just concentrate on getting through this one in the easiest way possible in a way that suits you.

I can understand your OH's view if he's doing it in a supportive way. Sometimes we all need 'permission' to make difficult decisions and he may just be providing the necessary tough love to see you through these difficult times.

It's hard to believe it, but your dad almost certainly will settle down in time and there's no better time to be in a CH than in the run up to Christmas. I always found Mum's a very jolly place to be as there was so much going on.

 

[sistermillicent]

I am posting because I care, I can't help, but i do care. It looks like it is certainly not going to be a merry christmas for you and you may have to grit your teeth and get through it. I hope you can talk properly with your husband but as someone else said there are times when it is a lot easier to talk to friends. Perhaps when it feels really hard over christmas you can come on here to vent.

 

[stanleypj]

I think it is perfectly understandable that you are feeling so down. It is so natural that you should be so upset by your dad's unhappiness. But deep down you must know that he is in the right place and, as people have said and as we often read on TP, people do settle down in care homes even though the initial period is, for many people and their relatives, traumatic.

As for Christmas, it's just another day. There will be other Christmases. Perhaps you should think about all the things that you enjoy doing but have been unable to spend much time on whilst you were caring so directly for your parents. Maybe you could try to revisit some of these over Christmas.

It makes sense, as others have said, that your husband is trying 'tough love' to help you to see that you have done the right, and only thing. Maybe you should, as suggested, talk things through with him - if you can. Though you must have had the main caring role, I don't suppose this past year has been a very happy one for either of you. But now that you at least have a little more time to yourselves perhaps life will gradually start to look a little bit brighter. I'm sure all who are reading about your situation will really hope so.

Stay strong.

 

[Chemmy]

As for Christmas, it's just another day.

Well said, stanleypj. Let's face it, few families can live up to the expectations set in a John Lewis or M&S Christmas ad

The year Mum moved into her CH, I was so fed up with all the previous stressful Christmases, my husband and I opted out of family activities and took a flask of soup and a picnic to Scarborough prom on Christmas Day. I was amazed at the number of other people out and about, doing much the same.

Only problem is trying to find a loo on Christmas Day when everywhere is shut and you're far from home....!

 

[jen54]

it is hard at xmas, it all falls on us to make sure everyone else has a good time!! I suppose the only ones who really have a good xams is kids, who don't see any of the behind the scenes stress! dad died in march so it will be the first one without him, and mum just doesn't seem to grasp it is xmas soon, although I keep saying about it,she doesn't seem to register- I asked her about cards and she said she was sick of pleasing people and couldn't be bothered to write cards this year, to be expected, so I didn't pressure her, but then keep thinking this could be her last xmas where she is at least able to enjoy thigs at the time they are happening(even if she forgets)- not sure how it will go, there is so much pressure on having to have a perfect xmas, don't even know if mum will come out to ours, if she doesn't want to go anywhere there is no way you can make her, and even if she does want to come, she will forget so someone needs to be up there early to chivvy her along or she never gets ready, forever pottering and forgetting all - hence nost of my run up has been worrying about her

 

[Dustycat]

Thank you everyone for your support. Xx

 

[Gigglemore]

Dustycat - so sorry for the loss of your Mum, this Christmas would have been very painful for you even without your Dad's problems.

I hope that some of the Christmas activities at the care home distract your Dad from his current unhappiness and that you and your husband can enjoy some peaceful times together in 2015. So I won't say Merry Christmas as I know yours won't be - but am sending you my very best wishes for the New Year.

 

[leedsfan]

Hello Dustycat,

Have just read your post and I am sitting here trying to think what I would do in your situation.

You have had a really rotten time of it and Christmas is looming on the horizon. Lots of people have given some considered replies to you. I would say, cut yourself some slack. You and your husband need some time together. Love the idea of going off to Scarborough and doing something different. If it was me though I'd hunker down for the day in my pj's with my husband and lock the world out for a bit. Remember Christmas is one day.

I am thinking about you, and like others on here I do care.

Look after yourself.

Jane

 

[RobynNZ]

We're so hard on ourselves

I so sympathize with your situation re Christmas Dustycat. I sometimes think that we spend so much time trying to please our parents and making things right for them that we are inclined to ignore the rest of the family, and just as importantly ourselves. This is probably because we end up reversing roles with our parents and feel we need to give our time to the weakest in the family. The only trouble is that things can get out of proportion and we start drowning in our sorrows and responsibilities. I imagine your husband is trying the toughlove approach as others have pointed out and I believe it would be a big mistake for you to weaken and bring your father home. Inevitably he would need to be in care and you'd only have to go through the step once more of moving him into a care home.
Last year we brought my mother home for Christmas Day from her care home but this year her dementia has worsened and she had a small stroke. She is now quite unaware of time so at my husband's request (toughlove) we have travelled from NZ to spend Christmas with our Australian family. This would be the first time in over 20yrs we have spent Christmas with our son and his family and I can see by their appreciation that it was the right thing to do. My only brother lives in UK so I have no other siblings to visit Mum and our daughter lives an hour away so her visits are infrequent.
I feel better now I'm away although I know Mum may be a bit tearful when I return. I have spent every Christmas with her so do feel a bit guilty but know she's getting well looked after and hopefully Christmas Day will pass like any other (though there's no escaping the Christmas theme at the care home).
Well I've got that off my chest and think I'm starting to practise toughlove myself.
Love and best wishes to all the wonderful carers out there.

 

[sunray]

Christmas is a hard time to get through as there are so many expectations placed on it. better to keep it low key and see it as a day of peace and one where you appreciate the love of family and friends. Try as we might we cannot make our loved one's better or anywhere near the way they used to be. All we can do is be kind to the ones we love and who love us and let the time pass. Easier said than done I know.