MY Mum's 1st day in nursing home

[Mother goose]

I have posted on here a few times, about my Mum's memory getting worse & she still thinks there is nothing wrong with her. I was advised by many Drs that she was no longer safe living on her own & to apply for a nursing home. It was finalised a few days ago & I was told I had until the 15th Dec to find a room in nursing home of my choice. I applied to nursing home that I thought would be suitable for my mum, many months ago.

I was then told yest that a room was ready & that I had to avail of it by today, which was quite a shock & gave me very little time to think about it. My mum still thinks there is nothing wrong with her, so I couldn't tell her where she was going very shortly. She had an appointment with the memory Dr yest & he asked me how was she & i said her memory & confusion very bad lately. He said, the time has come for nursing home & not to feel guilty. I said, that's easier said than done & that she would think I was the evil daughter by suggesting a nursing home & would refuse to go.

I told him I was going to tell her that the Drs need to assess her medication & need her to go into nursing home for few days. I knew If I told her that, she would never believe me. The memory Dr said, would you like me to tell her? I was so relieved & said, yes please. He then told her, but her consentration span is so short, that she quickly forgot. But some of what he said, did register & she questioned me many times on the way home. I was delighted as I knew then that I couldn't be blamed for putting her into the nursing home.

I took her in this afternoon & as we drove up the drive, I felt so sick in my stomach & so upset, that I'd had to make the hardest decision ever, in my life. I asked my husband if he would drop us off then collect me later, which was so much better than going on my own. Because she thought she was only in for a few days, made it so much easier to deal with, until she said, do you think I'll be home again on sat. I felt so bad, but just said, it's the Drs who have to decide, that we'll just have to wait & see in a few days. When I got her settled into her room, she kept saying, can't you stay here with me.

Thankfully my husband was with me, when I was leaving her, which made it a lot easier to say goodbye to her. I know if i had been on my own, it would have been a lot harder. When several days have passed, I know she will expect to be going home & I don't know how I am going to deal with that & it will get emotionally very upsetting. I'm sure a lot of people have been in the same situation. How have you dealt with it?

 

[Trace2012]

Im dreading this day, I hope I have the Drs to blame when it happens, my mam will go crazy when it's time for her, she will hate me I know it, I hope it's not too bad for u, xx


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[AngelFace64]

Nursing home

I have posted on here a few times, about my Mum's memory getting worse & she still thinks there is nothing wrong with her. I was advised by many Drs that she was no longer safe living on her own & to apply for a nursing home. It was finalised a few days ago & I was told I had until the 15th Dec to find a room in nursing home of my choice. I applied to nursing home that I thought would be suitable for my mum, many months ago.

I was then told yest that a room was ready & that I had to avail of it by today, which was quite a shock & gave me very little time to think about it. My mum still thinks there is nothing wrong with her, so I couldn't tell her where she was going very shortly. She had an appointment with the memory Dr yest & he asked me how was she & i said her memory & confusion very bad lately. He said, the time has come for nursing home & not to feel guilty. I said, that's easier said than done & that she would think I was the evil daughter by suggesting a nursing home & would refuse to go.

I told him I was going to tell her that the Drs need to assess her medication & need her to go into nursing home for few days. I knew If I told her that, she would never believe me. The memory Dr said, would you like me to tell her? I was so relieved & said, yes please. He then told her, but her consentration span is so short, that she quickly forgot. But some of what he said, did register & she questioned me many times on the way home. I was delighted as I knew then that I couldn't be blamed for putting her into the nursing home.

I took her in this afternoon & as we drove up the drive, I felt so sick in my stomach & so upset, that I'd had to make the hardest decision ever, in my life. I asked my husband if he would drop us off then collect me later, which was so much better than going on my own. Because she thought she was only in for a few days, made it so much easier to deal with, until she said, do you think I'll be home again on sat. I felt so bad, but just said, it's the Drs who have to decide, that we'll just have to wait & see in a few days. When I got her settled into her room, she kept saying, can't you stay here with me.

Thankfully my husband was with me, when I was leaving her, which made it a lot easier to say goodbye to her. I know if i had been on my own, it would have been a lot harder. When several days have passed, I know she will expect to be going home & I don't know how I am going to deal with that & it will get emotionally very upsetting. I'm sure a lot of people have been in the same situation. How have you dealt with it?

Hi Mother Goose

Just read your post, please do not feel guilty I too had to put my mother into a nursing home on the advice of the Dr and S/S, My mother at first thought she was going home after a few days in the home, and yes it is hard. My mum has been in the home for about 1.5 years now. I did turn into the evil daughter but I told her the Dr, Social Services and her family are thinking of her welfare and we care. We don't want her to harm herself or fall. She still asks to go home as she thinks she is much better but I change the subject.
The home is good and I know I have done the right thing for her. You just have to think that she will be cared for and looked after 24 hours.

You just have to get through the first few weeks she will learn to get used to it and cope, she will be fine and most nursing homes do a good job.

 

[Dustycat]

I am in your position. My Dad has been in care for a month and I feel like the worst daughter in the world. He's not settling too well but we have been told to grit our teeth and get through it. There is no alternative. We can't go backwards. It's tough though and tears you apart. Xx

 

[Mother goose]

It helped me so much that the memory Dr told my mum. I knew if I'd told her, I'd be the evil daughter & she wouldn't believe me. It's still the hardest decision I've ever had to make in my life.

I couldn't believe that I slept all night last night, 1st time in last 2 years since my mum's diagnosis. I really hope Trace 2012, that when your time comes for your mum, that it will go ok for you both.

 

[Mother goose]

Thank you for your reply, Angelface 64. It really helps to hear from others, who have gone through the same situation. Like you, I'm dreading being told I'm the evil daughter. I went to visit my mum today& several times she asked if was going home at the weekend. My daughter was with me & said to her, they don't usually send people home at the weekend. That seemed to satisfy my mum, for a short time. Then my mum said, it's hard being in here before Christmas.

It does make you feel bad, but like you I know I have made the right decision. I know my mum is safe in there, as she was taking off electrical plugs, standing on chairs & trying to change light bulbs & blew the fuse. Also up steep stone, garden steps with scissors in her hands. She refused to get out of bed & stayed there til late aftn & won't be able to do that in the nursing home. How did you deal with the going home questions, after several months?

 

[Mother goose]

Isn't it so hard for us all, Dustycat, who are looking after our mums & dads with alzheimers. If that's not enough, then when the time comes for a nursing home, it is still difficult for us all to deal with.

I really hope your dad will be ok & settle in his nursing home too. I hope we can all deal with our situations, with our parents.

 

[Insomniac]

My mums been in CH 6 weeks now. We didn't tell her either before! At first we made out it was temporary but SW said after a couple of weeks we had to tell her it was permanent as she kept packing her bag and sitting at door. Eventually they took her coat and bag from her. First 3 weeks were awful- no other way to describe it I'm afraid. When she got very agitated we found it best to leave as it wasn't doing her or us any good. The CH just recommended short visits to reassure her we were coming back. And changing the subject did help a little. She is settling better now (I wouldn't say happy but then she's never really been happy) and I actually think she's now forgotten it was us who put her there which is a blessing. Still lots of moans when we see her but I'm told by the CH that she's doing well and I am happy with the staff. I've even managed to take her out a couple of times for coffee or lunch and she's gone back without complaint. Sometimes the memory problem does work in our favour! I wouldn't dare bring her back to my home for a visit. I think that would be too confusing and quite cruel at the moment and I'm careful to avoid being anywhere near her home. It's really difficult at this time of year. We've just booked a Christmas meal at a restaurant nearby for xmas day but I have to say its very difficult mustering enthusiasm for anything to do with xmas. In an ideal world I would have placed her in CH in spring but I knew she wouldn't survive another winter living on her own. What I AM learning is that I get incredibly stressed about the little things that go wrong and in reality she's forgotten it in minutes and I've been stressing for days unnecessarily. So I think its baby steps and take one day at a time and try not to obsess about the little things that go wrong or cruel things that may be said. Hard I know!

Wishing you all the best and it WILL get easier I promise.



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[Mother goose]

Thank you so much Insomniac, for your very helpful reply.Your mum sounds exactly like my mum. My mum has only been in CH since last thursday. I went into her room yest & on her bed was a bag with all the contents of the bedside locker, including her electric clock radio, that she'd asked me to take in day before.

She wasn't in the room, but with the other residents in the dining room. I asked her why they were in the bag, she didn't know. As soon as I took her back to her room, 1st thing she said was, your not going to leave me here are you? I reminded her that the Drs have said, they need to assess her medication & it will be for a few days. I tried to change the subject, but there was no conversation, as sadly my mum doesn't have much too say. I just talked about the weather & asked what she had for dinner, etc.

Every few minutes, she asked the same, your not going to leave me here & kept looking at me. It was the hardest visit to her so far & I know when I see her on my own, that is how it will be. Day before, my daughter & my 2 little grandchildren came with me, which was a great distraction for my mum. But my daughters baby is 11 months old & crawling everywhere, so its not easy taking him there. How many weeks was your mum in CH, when you told her its permanant? Also, how many weeks had she been there, when you took her out for coffee etc?

I agree with you, it is difficult this time of year, I had hoped it would be in the new year, but the room became available last wk & was told if I didn't accept it then, would go to bottom of queue. I can't believe you have done exactly the same as us for Christmas day. Last Christmas day, we had 13 of the family for dinner & my husband & myself did all the preparing, cooking & clearing away & were exhausted & didn't really enjoy the day. My daughter had just given birth 2 days before, so I couldn't expect her to help.

We said, this year not doing it again & have also booked to go to a local restaurant & my mum included too. She usually comes to us on Boxing day too, but that would be at our house. The CH said, to avoid that at the moment, as she'll be going out Christmas day with us & might be too tired. It will be hard if she remembers its boxing day. Let me know how your mum is getting on & hope you will keep passing on your good advice, thank you so much, Insomniac.

 

[starryuk]

My daughter had just given birth 2 days before, so I couldn't expect her to help

My daughter is expecting her first baby on the 22nd and is insisting we go to her house for Christmas!! We are planning on pre-preparing everything for 8, taking it over there and muddling though somehow. ( complete madness imho, but I am only her mum and what do I know!)

Last Christmas we could no longer bring my mum out from her CH for the day. We visited with gifts, but mum was not aware. So sad. She died in May.

Taking your mums to a nearby restaurant for Christmas lunch sounds a very good idea, Mothergoose and Insomniac. If your mums get tired or anything, it gives you the option of taking them back early. I hope it goes well for you. Try to enjoy the day as best you can.

 

[cathykins]

My mums been in CH 6 weeks now. We didn't tell her either before! At first we made out it was temporary but SW said after a couple of weeks we had to tell her it was permanent as she kept packing her bag and sitting at door. Eventually they took her coat and bag from her. First 3 weeks were awful- no other way to describe it I'm afraid. When she got very agitated we found it best to leave as it wasn't doing her or us any good. The CH just recommended short visits to reassure her we were coming back. And changing the subject did help a little. She is settling better now (I wouldn't say happy but then she's never really been happy) and I actually think she's now forgotten it was us who put her there which is a blessing. Still lots of moans when we see her but I'm told by the CH that she's doing well and I am happy with the staff. I've even managed to take her out a couple of times for coffee or lunch and she's gone back without complaint. Sometimes the memory problem does work in our favour! I wouldn't dare bring her back to my home for a visit. I think that would be too confusing and quite cruel at the moment and I'm careful to avoid being anywhere near her home. It's really difficult at this time of year. We've just booked a Christmas meal at a restaurant nearby for xmas day but I have to say its very difficult mustering enthusiasm for anything to do with xmas. In an ideal world I would have placed her in CH in spring but I knew she wouldn't survive another winter living on her own. What I AM learning is that I get incredibly stressed about the little things that go wrong and in reality she's forgotten it in minutes and I've been stressing for days unnecessarily. So I think its baby steps and take one day at a time and try not to obsess about the little things that go wrong or cruel things that may be said. Hard I know!

Wishing you all the best and it WILL get easier I promise.



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As we all travel along this difficult path, we pick up little hints, tips and coping strategies, and I want to thank you for your comment about stressing over things that seem upsetting at the time, but are forgotten by the person with dementia within minutes. My Mum had a bad fall at her CH and looked like someone who had been beaten up, but amazingly she hardly mentioned it. There is no mirror in her room, so she couldn't see the bruising, and she didn't seem to be in any pain.

Dad and I were so upset, but Mum seemed almost unaffected by it. We are, like yourself, gradually learning that any bad or upsetting incidents are rarely remembered by Mum, so there is just no point in us dwelling on it.

Good luck on your journey

Cathykins

 

[Mother goose]

I'm really sorry you lost your Mum in May, Starruk. It must have been a very difficult & sad time for you & your family.

I hope all goes well for your daughter & her baby's birth. My daughter's baby was due
on the 28th December last year & he arrived on the 23rd. It's very difficult trying to plan anything, not knowing when the babys' could arrive. We were lucky he arrived before Christmas day, so we could carry on & prepare the dinner for everyone.

I think it's the most amazing experience, becoming a mother & an even greater experience becoming a grandparent. We are expecting our 5th grandchild next year & I can't wait & love them all so much. I wish you & your family a lovely Christmas & hope your grandchild arrives on time.

 

[starryuk]

Yes, the grandchildren are such a delight and make us smile for a while in the middle of all the heartache.
I was wondering how you are feeling today. It is so hard.

Perhaps my mum was further along the road when we moved her into a CH, but it wasn't long before she seemed to forget where she had come from. She began to refer to her room as 'her house'. She constantly asked for me to take her to see her mother, but distraction worked. I found that it was ok to say things like 'perhaps we can go tomorrow, if the weather is nice' because she had completely forgotten by the next day.
Leaving is difficult, but again, I would go, feeling sick, then peep back in the window to see her happily eating her lunch or trying to talk to someone.
Hopefully you will find that your mum settles into her new home and popping in for coffee or to have lunch with your mum may become a pleasure for you both.
I hope Christmas goes to plan and a happy first birthday to your little grandson!

 

[Pickles53]

My daughter was due on 23rd December but in the end didn't arrive till 2nd January. This was 32 years ago, but I still remember it as the weirdest Christmas ever. Everyone was watching me the whole time waiting for me to leap up and announce the baby was on its way. Combining that excitement with trying to plan Christmas for a relative with dementia must be so hard. All I can say is don't hold yourselves to impossible standards of what you 'should' be doing, what matters is what you feel comfortable with. I hope all goes well with your daughter starryuk.

Mum died just a few weeks ago. I am finding it strange that for the first time in many years I don't have to think about complicated logistics so she can be part of the family Christmas; that just feels wrong somehow.

 

[Mother goose]

I'm really sorry to hear that your Mum died very recently, Pickles 53. I do hope your Christmas goes as well as it can.

My daughter was due on 11th Jan & arrived on the 21st Dec, 29 years ago. I remember not knowing how it would work out, but we still managed to get the Christmas dinner on the table. Now she has her own children, a baby boy who will be 1 year old on the 23rd & a daughter who is very excited to be 5 in Jan.

My biggest worry besides my Mum in nursing home only 6 days, is that my daughter gets headaches every day since Jan. She's seen a Consultant & he gave her tablets to take only when headache gets very bad. She then discovered they were anti-depressants & understandably didn't want to take them. He has referred her for an MRI scan, which could take several months.

When she was 4 months old until 14 she was unwell continuously, then it was discovered she had a tumour on her parathyroid & removed just after her 14th birthday. I hoped that would be the end of her health probs, the same year she then got a hiatus hernia, which caused her severe indigestion & is still being treated with medication.

If that wasn't enough for her to deal with, she lost 3 babies to miscarriage & was told she possibly had polycystic ovaries & a blood clotting condition.
We were so delighted & relieved for her when she had her little girl & 4 years later her baby boy. I worry about my mum having alzheimers & in nursing home & also my daughter too. I have an auto immune condition which can affect any part of the body & stress makes the symptoms worse. I suppose there are similar problems in most families & we have to deal with them. It's just good to be able to express ourselves on here, knowing others are going through worry & stress too.

 

[Mother goose]

Thank you for your kind reply, Starryuk. I agree with you, our grandchildren keep us going & smiling. I have been into my Mum every day since last thursday & have to say that I find each day harder than the day before. The last 4 days, she has packed all her belongings into the bag I left on the 1st day. I asked her why was it packed on the 3rd day, she couldn't remember. When I asked her this aftn, she said, thought was going home today.

I explained yet again, that it's the Drs decision. I have been told by the CH to take each day as it comes & tell her she's there for a few more days, until hopefully she will settle there permanantly. Said, I'd better unpack & put your clothes away again & 4 times in the space of a minute, she said are you hanging them up again.

I stayed a while & then took her to the room where other residents were playing bingo. I said, why don't you sit in here with the others. Was very determined not to join in & said, no, I don't want to, I want to spend as much time with you as I can. In the meantime, I got a message from my husband that my daughter needed to use my car to take her little daughter to her dance show.

I felt torn between the two, knew I had to get home for my daughter, the same time trying to settle my mum, before I could leave. So each day I am finding even harder to deal with & I also look after a families 3 young children, 1 day a week. I hope it does get easier in time, with settling my mum into the nursing home.

 

[love.dad.but..]

I hope it gets easier for you. For my dad who continually walked around the home, wasn't eating very well and continually stuck to my side when I visited every other day saying I'm coming with you, it probably took about 8 weeks to settle him to some degree and now 5 months along the rocky road full of angst and guilt for me and my sisters, he seems to have reached a point of acceptance. We haven't been able to take him out, would be cruel having worked so long and hard to get him settled and we were never able to tell him where he was going and that we were leaving him. Even now I have to say I'm going to get dinner ready, put the rubbish out etc but he now forgets that I have been within minutes of me going so in that respect for him, it is now easier. It's a rotten illness where someone has to decline further mentally to make it easier for them to accept things. For some, their relatives settle quickly and easily, Dad took time but in the early days I would never have thought Dad would have reached the acceptance point, maybe a degree of resignation but either way, it's much much easier. Good luck on this path, like me and most others, you will have many tears but I wish you well.

 

[Mother goose]

Thank you, Love Dad for your reply. Like you, when I visit my Mum she is also stuck to my side. I tried to persuade her to join the residents who were playing bingo. She said, I don't want to. I then took her into another room where they were making decorations for Christmas. I said, why don't you sit with them & I was going to stay too, again she said, I don't want to.

I stayed a while, then my daughter needed to use my car to take her little daughter to her dance show, so I had to get back home. I felt torn in the middle, needed to get home by a certain time & also trying to encourage my Mum at the same time. I know she will take a good while to settle. I do hope your Dad is doing ok.