Pete's long goodbye is over

[cragmaid]

Love can't die that quickly can it? It can't all be for nothing?

.... Lyn, people die... love lasts. It lasts in the air that you breathe, in the pain in your heart. It is is there in a child's laugh, or a lover's kiss, in the touch of a hand, a memory. Whenever and wherever you are, if you think of Pete and the time you had together.....love will be there. We can still see your love in the words you write and in the tears you shed.... Your love will last while you are apart and when you meet up again...what a joyful time that will be.

Thinking of you...Maureen.x.x.

 

[jan.s]

Dear Lyn

I have been following your thread and other people seem to say what I want to say but so eloquently. Because I haven't posted, doesn't mean that I haven't thought about you everyday. Not being able to talk from experience, I can only imagine how hard things are for you at the moment,

When it comes to seeing Pete in the Chapel of Rest, that has to be a very personal decision. For me, I don't think that is what I would want, I prefer to remember people as they were in life, for better for worse. It has to be your decision, but once made, don't think back on it, look at your choice from a positive viewpoint, hard I'm sure at this stage.

I agree with others that aspiration pneumonia takes time to develop. I think we all feel obliged to feel a sense of guilt in this situation, instead, you should feel assured that you did everything within your powers for Pete in his lifetime. You have my full admiration for the way you have coped with everything over the past months, and are continuing to do so. I am sure I would have fallen apart long ago.

Pete was one lucky man to have such a loving and supportive wife, and your love for each other lives on forever.

Take care of yourself Lyn.

Jan xx

 

[truth24]

Lyn. I firmly believe that you will meet up with Pete again in some way but, meanwhile, you will feel the great love he had for you in all sorts of ways. He will be in your heart and by your side forever. Love doesn't die. Verityxx

Sent from my GT-N5110

 

[Lindy50]

.... Lyn, people die... love lasts. It lasts in the air that you breathe, in the pain in your heart. It is is there in a child's laugh, or a lover's kiss, in the touch of a hand, a memory. Whenever and wherever you are, if you think of Pete and the time you had together.....love will be there. We can still see your love in the words you write and in the tears you shed.... Your love will last while you are apart and when you meet up again...what a joyful time that will be.

Thinking of you...Maureen.x.x.

Can I second this? I can't think of a better way of putting it....just I believe that love never dies, nor is it ever 'for nothing'.

I thank god that I have not yet lost my partner, but my dad died 12 years ago. I have thought of him pretty much every day since then, and he informs my relationships, values and everything I do. Love never dies.

Thinking of you Lyn and wishing you peace and strength.

Lindy xx

 

[withy]

One more question. Is there anyone who hasn't seen their loved one in the chapel of rest? I don't know if I want to see Pete in there. I'm worried that I will get flashbacks to his last moments.

Lyn, When my mother died the undertaker said not to visit the chapel of rest if we thought it would leave us with bad memories. You are not expected to go, just whatever is best for you. May I wish you strength and peace to get through the next few weeks.
With love, Withy.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Lyn

I was adamant I didn`t want to see Dhiren in his coffin and don`t know what changed my mind or why , but I did and it was right for me and right for Paul our son.

You are the only one who can decide, and I realise how tired and vulnerable you must be feeling right now and you need to do what is right for you.

If possible, try not to leave yourself with any regrets. There is nothing to fear whatever your decision.

As for the aspiration pneumonia, I`m sure you did not cause it. Why would you Lyn? xx

 

[miggie]

Dear Lyn,
As others have already said, seeing someone in the Chapel of Rest is a very personal decision. I lost my husband to cancer some 13 years ago when he was just 50.
Although I was with him when he died I did also go to see him in the Chapel of Rest. He looked peaceful but I got nothing out of it if you see what I mean. As Saffie says, there was no connection.
When my mother died 4 months ago (to AD) I decided not to go to the Chapel of Rest but remember her as she was in life.
You must do whatever feels right for you and not what you think others expect you to.

Take care.

Jean.

 

[Sringtime]

So very sorry for your loss. Hugs x

 

[Pickles53]

I saw my mum at the care home after she died and even then it felt that she wasn't there anymore. So I didn't want to go and visit her in the chapel of rest and neither did my brother or sister.

As others have said, you should do whatever you feel will bring you comfort; there is no 'right' or 'wrong' in any of this.

Take care.

 

[pamann]

Dear LynT you were with your beloved Pete when he died, my opinion is that you will not gain anything from seeing him again in the chapel of rest, l lost my mother 15 years ago, l was with her when she died, l went to the chapel of rest to see her, l was so upset to see her after her death, it has played on my mind ever since, wish l had not gone to see her, l would not like you to feel the same. Thinking of you and sending you much love ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

 

[garnuft]

Oh Lyn.

I saw my daughter, Dad and Mam in the Chapel of Rest...Nanas and Grandads too.

I am a pragmatic person and went simply because as long as I was able to actually physically see them I wanted to but as Saffie says, there was no connection to the living person, simply a vessel.

I wouldn't say I felt comforted but I definitely wouldn't say I felt distressed, it simply felt as though I was safeguarding them until they were out of my grasp.

None of my siblings wanted to and there was never any pressure from anyone either way, my oldest son did see his Nana and I don't think he regrets his choice but I've always felt it was a good way to understand the Alpha and Omega of life so I'm glad he did.

As Sylvia has said, no regrets is the target.

Whatever you decide is the right thing for you.

Loads of love, thinking of you XXXXXX

 

[Tears Falling]

Dear Lyn. Sending you love and wishes for peace and time to heal. Take each minute as it arrives and take time to look after you. Sleep well Pete. :-(

 

[Trisha4]

I think all the things discussed are truly personal decisions. When my Dad was dying of cancer my brother had been sitting with Dad until we arrived. He then said he didn't want to be there when ........... So my husband took him out and I sat with Dad while he died. For both of us it was right. When Mum died I was with her, brother wasn't. Then neither of us wanted to go to the Chapel of Rest. So I believe we all need to do what feels right with us.
I don't have a religion but I do believe you don't leave the world as long as you are in someone's thoughts and heart. Clearly your husband is still, and always will be, in yours. I hope that when the immediate pain is less intense you will be able to smile about some of your memories as you say, 'remember when he .....,...'
I hope you will allow me into the circle of love and support around you x

 

[nellbelles]

Lyn

It's a very personal choice, I went twice to the chapel of rest, once with Kevin to put things into his coffin and once for Larivy to say her goodbye.

Kevin saw his Grandpops a couple of hours after he died and he said he was glad he then saw him all suited up and smart and looking at peace, Kevin's twin saw Tom at the home but their Mum didn't want to.

I'm telling you all this so you can see there is no right or wrong way, so take some time and do what you feel is right for you.

Love and Hugs xx

 

[jugglingmum]

Sorry to hear your news, you will be as strong in this as you've been through everything else.

 

[Scarlett123]

Lyn, this is such a personal matter that nobody, nobody, can answer the question for you. I think there are only 2 things to consider. The first is, if you go, would you regret it? And the second is, if you don't go, would you regret it?

I can live with my decision to see both of my parents, and my Grandpa. I wasn't keen to see any of them, but I thought that if I didn't go, the regret would be more than if I did, even if it left me feeling uncomfortable, which it didn't.

If you decide to go, and you're unsure how you'll feel when you see your Pete, why not take a favourite photo with you, something that holds happy memories for you. But it's only your decision that matters Lyn.

 

[LYN T]

Thank you all for your views. I'm undecided still.I need to think. I need as few regrets as possible.

Since Wednesday I've been trying to get in touch with Pete's nephew (his late sister's son). He lives in Australia and works offshore-one month on, one month off. He loved Pete. There is only 15 years between them so Pete was more like an older brother.

I've phoned 4 times but no answer even to my phone message to call me so I had to email him. Of course I didn't say that Pete had passed but asked him to phone me.

So he's just called. I hate giving bad news. I didn't ask if he would be coming over and didn't go into details of Pete's last moments. I'm going to email him with the funeral date tomorrow. One more off the list.

I've told Pete's extremely lovely family in Devon. His first cousin (aged 84 and bright as a button) can't come as she is a carer for her Husband, but her children will. They loved Pete as well.

I'm going to have to deal with an invisible cousin who has only communicated once. That was when P was officially diagnosed. She sent a Xmas card stating she knew nothing of AD but went on to include 3 pages of what she and her family were doing. Not a word since.I can hardly be bothered to make the effort but I will. I'm afraid that will be email.

Have good days everyone

Love,
Lyn T X

 

[truth24]

These things are so hard, Lyn. Know I'm not in your position but remember doing it all for my lovely mother who died suddenly when we were on a cruise in the Carribean and couldn't get an immediate flight back. Another cause for guilt as I had promised I would always be there for her. Sorry, I know that's of no consequence here but I do hopefully understand a little of what you are going through. As for the invisibles, could someone else make that call for you so that you don't have to speak to them? Have to say that my brother is an invisible too. I only put a note in his card about Fred moving into care as he showed absolute indifference when I told him of Fred's problems several years ago and has never asked how things are. Haven't seen him for about 10 years. He lives in another part of the country but often comes to stay a few miles away with my SIL's family. Think some people are afraid it's catching. Have hijacked your thread again when it is YOU we are thinking about here. Love as always and hoping you are getting some comfort from your family and friends. xx

Sent from my GT-N5110

 

[LYN T]

Verity, you aren't hijacking I value your views. I'm glad I spoke to Pete's Nephew-he's a lovely person. I just don't feel the same about this particular cousin. She had a breakdown at Uni and Pete supported her through that. I mustn't get bitter but I feel no obligation to inform her by any way other than email.

I will have the funeral date by tomorrow and I will inform her of the date. Obviously I can't stop anyone coming to the funeral (I wouldn't anyway) but I really don't see the point of her coming when she hasn't even sent a Xmas card for years. Mind you after the letter I received I didn't bother either.

I want Pete's celebration of his life to be full of laughter -ok there will be tears, but I want it full of people who supported him and me. Not people shedding crocodile tears.

I've ordered a West Bromwich Albion football pennant to put on the coffin

Pete was a lifelong supporter and when he was well we used to watch the matches when we could.I'm hoping the pennant will make people smile and remember his enthusiasm and joy when they avoided relegation.

 

[Sue J]

Dear Lyn

I'm no football supporter but you made me smile about the WBA pennant so am sure it will make those who knew and love him

You sound like you're doing OK, I hope so
love
Suexxx