Oh the guilt...the rollercoaster of emotions!

[gillybean]

I am in the process of dismantling the family home my Mum left in July and she had been there over 50 years so you can imagine the task I am faced with.
Imagine how guilty I felt when I read an essay she had written for an English literature class some years ago. It basically was an essay about how she enjoyed going to antique shops and finding beautiful things that had come from house clearances and how she thought about the people these things once belonged to. She went on to say how she hoped all her treasured item would never end up somewhere like this. Here I am clearing her house and sorting piles for the charity shop I feel so sleazy and like I am betraying her.
I then had an awful visit at the CH with more emotions, just fed up of being on this roller coaster of feelings and being drained trying to do so many things at once, and I have done nothing towards Christmas so feeling panicky as well.

 

[Tin]

Gillybean, don't worry about Christmas, it will come and go no matter how much you do. Is it time to take a break from sorting the family home? or just a little each week. You are brave, I could not face it, so left the task to my sister. Looking back on someones life through their belongings must be the hardest thing to do.

 

[gillybean]

Thanks Tin...
I tend to do a couple of hours twice a week I know exactly when I have 'had enough' I get a really drained like feeling although my husband gets exasperated with me and wants to do more he hasn't the emotional ties and I find it hard. In fact it's one of the hardest thing's I have ever had to do.

 

[Tin]

It's everything isn't it? Every piece of furniture, photo, the lot and then the little surprises during all the sorting makes your heart want to burst, fortunately in the 10 months mum has lived with me, she has not asked for/where anything is, at the beginning the few personal things mum brought with her, she wanted me to send them back. Gradually boxes were turning up, but they are all in my attic unpacked, I did not want to upset mum and her insisting it all goes back to where it lives. As these boxes arrived I was sorting through them, but it was all too much finding my old school reports, letters and postcards etc. Until I can face these boxes again, they are staying in the attic.

 

[Pringle]

I am in the process of dismantling the family home my Mum left in July and she had been there over 50 years so you can imagine the task I am faced with.
Imagine how guilty I felt when I read an essay she had written for an English literature class some years ago. It basically was an essay about how she enjoyed going to antique shops and finding beautiful things that had come from house clearances and how she thought about the people these things once belonged to. She went on to say how she hoped all her treasured item would never end up somewhere like this. Here I am clearing her house and sorting piles for the charity shop I feel so sleazy and like I am betraying her.
I then had an awful visit at the CH with more emotions, just fed up of being on this roller coaster of feelings and being drained trying to do so many things at once, and I have done nothing towards Christmas so feeling panicky as well.

Oh I so know how you're feeling My mum deteriorated quickly just before Christmas last year. At the end of January she wandered at night and fell in the dark and rain We made the decision to move her to a care home and that in itself was awful. 9 months on and she still packs to go home.

We managed to get POA in June and spent the summer clearing her house. I would be packing her belongings off to charity shops and then go and visit her to be asked 'Is your Dad home and are you taking me home now'. It's just such a dreadful feeling. You feel such a huge sense of betrayal My mothers house was like a time warp and as we planned to rent it out to help with the CH fees, we had to strip it totally. The kitchen was ripped out, the bathroom, the carpets, the heating system etc. etc. My mother wouldn't let us touch the garden and it had overgrown with fir trees so we had to get in tree surgeons. I broke down that day, it felt so brutal. I can honesty say it would have been easier clearing her house if she had passed away

I'm through it all now, with just a few items that I'm slowly selling. I've got used to it and I'm glad it's nearly over. I just get by knowing that if mum was of sane mind she would be telling me to do exactly what I've done. It doesn't make it easier but it helps me cope.

You're doing the right thing, a little every now and then. Do you feel you could let your husband continue on his own when you have had enough? When my MIL passed away my husband could only face sorting her house for 1 hour at a time. I used to send him home and I would carry on sorting it for him.

 

[gillybean]

Oh I so know how you're feeling My mum deteriorated quickly just before Christmas last year. At the end of January she wandered at night and fell in the dark and rain We made the decision to move her to a care home and that in itself was awful. 9 months on and she still packs to go home.

We managed to get POA in June and spent the summer clearing her house. I would be packing her belongings off to charity shops and then go and visit her to be asked 'Is your Dad home and are you taking me home now'. It's just such a dreadful feeling. You feel such a huge sense of betrayal My mothers house was like a time warp and as we planned to rent it out to help with the CH fees, we had to strip it totally. The kitchen was ripped out, the bathroom, the carpets, the heating system etc. etc. My mother wouldn't let us touch the garden and it had overgrown with fir trees so we had to get in tree surgeons. I broke down that day, it felt so brutal. I can honesty say it would have been easier clearing her house if she had passed away

I'm through it all now, with just a few items that I'm slowly selling. I've got used to it and I'm glad it's nearly over. I just get by knowing that if mum was of sane mind she would be telling me to do exactly what I've done. It doesn't make it easier but it helps me cope.

You're doing the right thing, a little every now and then. Do you feel you could let your husband continue on his own when you have had enough? When my MIL passed away my husband could only face sorting her house for 1 hour at a time. I used to send him home and I would carry on sorting it for him.

I have been told that the PGO would not look too kindly if I was to just leave things as they are, I know she isn't ever going home, the house was like the Marie Celeste like the day in July when she left I couldn't bring myself to dismantle the family home ut I have had to and it's the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

I can't let him carry on without me as I would be afraid he'd be ruthless in throwing things out. He is being objective about what I can bring back even complaining that I put a fork in the cutlery drawer that my Grandad made me as a child (he was a sheffield cutler) so you see I have issues. Dont get me wrong I don't want heaps of stuff just bits of things and he's complaining as he doesn't have the emotional ties as I do so I am finding this hard.

I feel like I am a bad person doing this, I have no choice in the matter, someone has to do it and it seems I am the one yet again left to pick up the pieces in the family as always.

 

[cragmaid]

Try being a little bit devious when it comes to keeping things. Tell OH that there may be some financial value in certain items, and that you are putting those things in a box so that you can find out their values, once the house has been cleared.

I'm sure that he might take consideration of items with a potential financial worth more than just the sentimental value, but in the meantime, it will give you a bit breathing space. Perhaps you could even set him the task of finding out the potential value of a couple of items for you.
I'm married to a slinger too!! and I have had all of Mum and Dad's " treasures" to deal with....ebaying actually helped, because it means I can think of items as articles with a monetry value to other people rather than just family things......it helped me to detach a bit of sentiment anyway.....and you will be surprised what people will buy.x.

 

[Ladybird23]

I am of the thinking now, that until it happens to you there is really no real understanding.

Just do what you feel comfortable with, and if you want to keep something, then keep it.

 

[Floydy]

Hi Gill,
As you know I've only just joined here and this is yet another very close subject to my heart. I feel we are leading very much a similar path!

It's awful trying to clear a house. The house your mum, and father, had lived in for much of their married life. This has been a particularly hard thing for me to do also.

I am familiar with your situation and I won't go into that right now, but what I started doing (in close liaison with my sister) was to begin with a particular room and going through the house one room at a time. Some of the belongings were absolute junk, useless things like dead batteries, milk bottle tops, old kettles, bits of newspaper cuttings and so on. But old people will hoard things "in case they are needed sometime". More than likely they are not.

But, even these little scraps of what you and me call 'rubbish' remind us of our parents. The trivial things we find whilst clearing out a cupboard brings back a recollection of a time when we last saw that particular "useless" artefact, even if it was an old metal pin badge or something. We remember when our parent bought us it and that brings back lovely memories.

It is so, so hard to clear out a house. Everything about the task is difficult.
I decided that when my mum went into a care home in May last year (my dad passed away in 2011), that this was indeed a task that needed dealing with promptly. Easier said than done. First I cleared out my dad's shed. he was a joiner. There was a shed full of tools, wood, everything. I had to focus on the job in hand and just do it. I felt so remorseful, guilty, even evil in doing this but I had to be strong and I made a start and that was the main hurdle accomplished.

To cut this short, I separated anything which I though may be of value and put this aside. There wasn't that much. The rest was sifted into black and blue bins, charity boxes and I was in my stride so to speak wanting, not reluctant, to get this done.
This continued quite well actually until I hit a bit of a stumbling block and couldn't get anymore done for a while (which I may explain someday), but to cut it short the house was eventually cleared last month and finally sold.

It's so difficult, Gillybean and I know what you're up against, but you have to be strong-willed and realise that this is a task that must be tackled sooner rather than later and honestly, it will be a weight off your mind. You have enough on your plate right now and getting rid of the house is an obstacle which must be eradicated however difficult it is to face.

Perhaps you have a good friend who can help?

Regards.
Laurie.

 

[gillybean]

I'm still on with the task, I go every weekend and my day off and today hit a stumbling block and I became unproductive except my hubby took stuff to charity and the tip, so slowly we're getting there but it is slow and I feel bad, so bad. Even the kitchen drawers with all Mum's baking stuff and the rolling pin which has had so much use, all have memories, daft isn't it?

 

[Mary9]

Oh Gosh so feel for you as I am also about to go through this, have just found a CH for mom so now the ball is rolling, just had some labels to iron into clothes dreading it, when the day comes and having to ship her out of a house she has lived in for 55yrs dreading it, going to visit her and know she will ask to be taken home dreading it, having no help from three dreadful siblings who I have no communication with, and hoping when mom is moved that I dont bump into one of them when visiting dreading it, what a time of year, dreading it!!!!!

 

[Solihull]

Mary9, I have just gone through this on my own, mom also lived in her house for 55 years. I have no siblings but honestly there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Once you have made the decision just remember that you did it with good reason. You are doing it with love. Some days are hard but be kind to yourself. I never thought I would get through this but now feel relief that mom is safe. She seemed to settle in the carehome after about 3-4 weeks. Each time she asked to come home I just said that the doctor needed her to be there to make sure she got stronger. Eventually she started treating the carehome as her home and she has not mentioned her house. The house is finally cleared and on the market and her most precious belongings are with me (not too many though). Take care, Sue xx

 

[Jean001]

In September I had to empty out Mum and Dad's home. I live in New Zealand and the family home is in London. Dad died last year and mum (with mid dementia) continued on at home with carers, although after ending up in hospital in July after a second fall (that we know about) this year, the doctors said she couldn't go home because of safety with falls and they also observed her dementia, so insisted she go into a rest home in August. Mum has lived in that house since she was 3 - she's now 84.
I am an only child who's only other close relations are my cousins and aunts - mostly on mum's side. None of them are talking to me because I wouldn't fly over in March when she had her first fall, but she was able to stay at home then. They all believe I should pack up in my home here and move back to the UK to look after her.
So, I had to clear out the house on my own - with no help from family. My family will be pleased to know I cried practically every day I was there. Easy for them to judge when they don't have to deal with it themselves. Maybe one day they will, and then understand what I've been going through dealing with mum's dementia.
Only one of my best mates came and helped but then I had angels from all quarters come and help me. Friends from NZ who were on holiday in the UK at the time, came and stayed a few days with me to help and support me emotionally. A man from the local hospice took about 15 car loads of stuff from the 3 bedroom house. A neighbour invited me to stay with her for the last week I was there as the house was being painted to rent out. I put out on average 8 black rubbish bags a week for collection. I had just under 4 weeks to do this all in.
It was traumatic. Going through mum and dad's things to clear out (even though mum was still alive) was really hard. If she had passed away, it would have been sad, but I felt guilty getting 'rid' of it while she's alive. I took some bits to mum in the rest home but obviously in one room she couldn't have much. I have shipped a fair bit back to NZ to my place to go over things once here as I just didn't have time to go through everything. I slept on average 4-5 hours per night as my head was full of stuff and thoughts of what I had to do. Not only that- I had to deal with all the paperwork; pensions, council tax etc etc too (which is still ongoing!)
All the time, I was visiting mum too and trying to be cheerful, as well as packing up stuff, getting painters and carpet layers in etc. She constantly says she wants to go back home - I don't think she'll ever settle even though she's got company and is being well cared for.
And I had to get it done quick as every day was a day less rent which is now paying for her rest home fees.
It isn't easy but it has to be done. The rollercoaster of feelings still continue for me even now, every time I talk to her and she gets aggravated about wanting to go home which she can't. Because of her protesting so much, there is a court of protection going on with the social service services because she's being held 'against her wishes ' at the home :-( If they decide she can go home, (which can't be till next June due to the rental agreement), I will have all the angst of her hating me for getting rid of most of her stuff - there's only a handful of furnished items there now. Can you imagine it? It's a scenario I'm putting at the back of my mind and really hoping it doesn't come to that aside from the fact that I'll be constantly worrying about her safety at home again :-(

 

[Solihull]

Jean001, I feel for you as I have recently gone through this with my mom but only from a distance of 10 miles. I also have no siblings but you have to ask yourself what would have happened if you had not been able to do this for her. In my experience, again after several falls & a short spell in hospital it became apparent that left to her own devices mom would not have survived. I have now cleared the house which she had lived in for over 50 years and it is on the market. I had nightmares that she would go home and find it all empty. However, Mom settled in the care home after about 3 weeks and my feelings of guilt turned to utter relief that she would be safe. Dementia does not get better and I strongly feel that after we start along the course of care there is no turning back and it is for the best in the long run. Trust your feelings, ignore the negative remarks of others, they do not have to make the decisions. You seem to also have some good friends to support you. It is your life and you want the best for your mom (and yourself). Good luck xx Sue

 

[Jean001]

Jean001, I feel for you as I have recently gone through this with my mom but only from a distance of 10 miles. I also have no siblings but you have to ask yourself what would have happened if you had not been able to do this for her. In my experience, again after several falls & a short spell in hospital it became apparent that left to her own devices mom would not have survived. I have now cleared the house which she had lived in for over 50 years and it is on the market. I had nightmares that she would go home and find it all empty. However, Mom settled in the care home after about 3 weeks and my feelings of guilt turned to utter relief that she would be safe. Dementia does not get better and I strongly feel that after we start along the course of care there is no turning back and it is for the best in the long run. Trust your feelings, ignore the negative remarks of others, they do not have to make the decisions. You seem to also have some good friends to support you. It is your life and you want the best for your mom (and yourself). Good luck xx Sue

Thanks Sue for sharing and your kind words of support. Yes, I know it is for mum's best safety and well being - I just wish she'd settle like your mum has - then I would be able to rise above all the **** from the family and house problems (it's rented out and now has a watermains leaking pipe and roof issues for me to have to deal with!) Yes, I often wonder what would have happened if I wasn't around to do this for her. And you're so right - although I want what's best for mum and her wellbeing - I also want a nice life myself with my partner. One of my rollercoaster emotions is, that at 51, she was having a wonderful life! At 51 for me, it's all turned upside down and I never know what's coming to hit me. It's hard to make any future plans and I feel like our life is on hold because of mum and could potentially be like this for many years. :-( xx

 

[Solihull]

Jean001, when your mom asks to go home does she really mean her old home? My mom (and many others on this forum) was thinking of their childhood home and she even recited her old address to the care home (house demolished 60 years ago). Also, depending how far down the line your mom is, she may not recall many of her belongings or her house soon as my mom couldn't after a few weeks. I took her engagement ring in to show her this week & she could not remember what it was for, bless her. I am 63 now and found the stress and resentment (guilt) made my health suffer and I know my mom really would not have liked to think she was causing this. You can only do your best. Sue x