reply to the same question in a different way

macevelyn

Registered User
Apr 12, 2014
1
0
Always difficult, none of the suggestions work for long. We have an electric fire with a coke-effect look. Every three or four minutes my husband tries to get out of his chair (which he can't do as he has Parkinsons) and wants to either fetch more coke or some logs! Today he has also forgotten where he is, we moved a year ago and he still doesn't recognise the house as his home. Any ideas?
 

awbeccles

Registered User
Mar 12, 2011
5
0
Suffolk
Same question, same answer

I asked my wife about this, who has multi-infarct dementia but still quite a lot of insight. She said giving the same answer each time is reassuring. I guess this may be so at some level even if the person doesn't remember the previous times. And, if there's any remotest chance of it being retained, being consistent will make the most of it.
In this respect as in some others, caring for someone with dementia can be a lot like caring for a small child.
 

DidsDerby

Registered User
Sep 13, 2013
4
0
East Midlands
It depends on the question - but I have found a way with some of the questions my Mum asks my teenage daughters to stop them getting impatient and surly with her - frequent questions are "where are you going on holiday?" or "What do you want to be when you grow up?" We found the solution was to start at A and work through the alphabet - eg Austria, Belgium, China etc - it has become a good humoured game with the girls. I have just discovered Contented Dementia and am starting to use elements of it in coping - if nothing else it helps me make sense of what is going on. Not found a solution to the what day is it or what time though - I sympathize with anyone who has to cope with that one all day every day!
 

zillah

Registered User
Dec 17, 2012
5
0
:) I can honestly say that reading "Contented Dementia" (Oliver James, ISBN978-0-09-190180-6) has given me more insight and confidence in dealing with dementia. With regard to how we deal with the same old question being asked time and time again, I would agree with many others that you should keep the answer the same, simple, short and calm. Fortunately for us carers, we can be responsible for our own actions and, in my opinion, we need to be able to step into the world of the dementia sufferer and not try to drag them back to our own "world" which only encourages anxiety in them. I find putting my mind into a compartment and repeatedly answering with the same answer is the best way of dealing with constant questioning, both for me and my mum who has Alzheimers. I know it's easy to say but much harder to do but try not to lose patience as it can only enhance their anxiety. Put yourself in a mindset that becomes somewhat mechanical so that you don't lose patience and then everyone can be content. Good Luck!:)
 

pamann

Registered User
Oct 28, 2013
2,635
0
Kent
Hello zillha l have just read C / Dementia, my husband has been much more contented, it is easier using suggestions in the book, l still find his repeating the same thing over and over again so stressful. Well worth a read ♥♥♥
 

father ted

Registered User
Aug 16, 2010
734
0
London
This drives me crazy too and there is no right answer. I do sometimes explode and say 'I told you before 5 times!!' To which my Mum, whose memory has declined in 5 years since diagnosis, replies very calmly- " Yes I know I have and you and I know I will be asking you again in 5 minutes". This insight always draws me up fast and shows how complex the whole thing is. I feel bad about answering mechanically and I feel bad for exploding but afterward I always feel worse if I loose control of my temper.:eek:
 

spuddle

Registered User
Mar 13, 2014
118
0
thanks for all the great replies to this. as we know each person is different in small ways.

one of mums things is saying 'guess what im going to do when you leave/or when i get home'. the real answer is 'have a bath and go to bed' (whatever time of day it is). the answer ive been giving recently is 'take off all your clothes (which she nods at) and run down the street waving a union jack flag'. this amuses me and makes mam giggle...... i just hope she doesnt keep this in her memory and actually do it..... maybe i should stop this one;)
 

jeany123

Registered User
Mar 24, 2012
19,034
0
74
Durham
thanks for all the great replies to this. as we know each person is different in small ways.

one of mums things is saying 'guess what im going to do when you leave/or when i get home'. the real answer is 'have a bath and go to bed' (whatever time of day it is). the answer ive been giving recently is 'take off all your clothes (which she nods at) and run down the street waving a union jack flag'. this amuses me and makes mam giggle...... i just hope she doesnt keep this in her memory and actually do it..... maybe i should stop this one;)

Aw spuddle this made me laugh, just hide all the union jack flags :D
 

spuddle

Registered User
Mar 13, 2014
118
0
glad it made you laugh jeany. if i dont laugh i cry so for me laughter is the best medicine.
by the way i love you signature thing about being strong. so very true
 

Jean001

Registered User
Jan 21, 2013
24
0
Mum has recently gone into a rest home (August) due to the doctors from the hospital insisting she goes in there due to safety at home with falls and all sorts of other things etc. I live overseas and phone once or twice a week. Every time I speak to her on the phone, it starts out nice and we have a fairly good chat, then she starts with she's 'not having it' being in there, she wants to go home etc. I can understand her wanting to go home, but that's not going to happen and the house is rented out now to pay for her fees in the home. She knows the house is rented out, because I talked to her about it, but she still thinks all her stuff is there and it's how it used to be and is insisting on going back home. It's hard talking to her as every time she brings this up and gets aggravated. The home says it takes time for some people to settle. I don't think she ever will and I find it hard having the same conversation every time we speak - if it's not that, it's where are her cigarettes :-( which I have no idea where they are, so I go through suggesting where they might be, but no, they're not there. (That's another reason why she couldn't be back home alone). I would phone more often but am finding it depressing talking to her and hearing the annoyance in her tone. The home is lovely and they look after her really well, but it's not where she wants to be. :(
 

Canadian Joanne

Registered User
Apr 8, 2005
17,710
0
70
Toronto, Canada
Jean001, what about telling your mother that she'll be going home when the doctor feels she's strong enough to go? Or the roof is being fixed or the plumbing or it's being painted and rerun whatever works over and over.

Explaining the reality isn't going to work, in my opinion. I found it best to give an excuse Mum could handle.
 

RedLou

Registered User
Jul 30, 2014
1,161
0
Mum has recently gone into a rest home (August) due to the doctors from the hospital insisting she goes in there due to safety at home with falls and all sorts of other things etc. I live overseas and phone once or twice a week. Every time I speak to her on the phone, it starts out nice and we have a fairly good chat, then she starts with she's 'not having it' being in there, she wants to go home etc. I can understand her wanting to go home, but that's not going to happen and the house is rented out now to pay for her fees in the home. She knows the house is rented out, because I talked to her about it, but she still thinks all her stuff is there and it's how it used to be and is insisting on going back home. It's hard talking to her as every time she brings this up and gets aggravated. The home says it takes time for some people to settle. I don't think she ever will and I find it hard having the same conversation every time we speak - if it's not that, it's where are her cigarettes :-( which I have no idea where they are, so I go through suggesting where they might be, but no, they're not there. (That's another reason why she couldn't be back home alone). I would phone more often but am finding it depressing talking to her and hearing the annoyance in her tone. The home is lovely and they look after her really well, but it's not where she wants to be. :(
Jean - I have this with my father, although in his case he is the one abroad. I found giving him 'it's only temporary' style answers just increased his determination to return home. I am being honest with him about what the hospital say, and I just make it clear I sympathise with him and it's the evil authorities who are dictating things no matter how hard I try to get him what he wants. It doesn't stop the repetitive conversations but it does stop him moaning at me (so far - I know that could change.) While my brother will visit with other people, he doesn't phone Dad for a one-on-one any more. Can't handle it.
 

Jean001

Registered User
Jan 21, 2013
24
0
Jean - I have this with my father, although in his case he is the one abroad. I found giving him 'it's only temporary' style answers just increased his determination to return home. I am being honest with him about what the hospital say, and I just make it clear I sympathise with him and it's the evil authorities who are dictating things no matter how hard I try to get him what he wants. It doesn't stop the repetitive conversations but it does stop him moaning at me (so far - I know that could change.) While my brother will visit with other people, he doesn't phone Dad for a one-on-one any more. Can't handle it.


Yes, I've been telling her that it's the doctors who are the ones that made her go there (It's true - they said she couldn't go back home), but of course, she 'hummpffsss' and says what do they know and that she's OK. No matter what I say, she still keeps moaning about all sorts in there, but to be honest, she did that a bit before she got dementia. I understand about your brother not phoning - sometimes I feel like I don't want to, but then I do and we have a nice chat and I feel happy that she seems happy (for that moment).
 

Jean001

Registered User
Jan 21, 2013
24
0
Jean001, what about telling your mother that she'll be going home when the doctor feels she's strong enough to go? Or the roof is being fixed or the plumbing or it's being painted and rerun whatever works over and over.

Explaining the reality isn't going to work, in my opinion. I found it best to give an excuse Mum could handle.


Hi Joanne, from the beginning I've been telling mum that the doctors put her there (which they did) for her safety from falls etc, but she believes she'd be OK at home and no matter what is said, that's what she believes. When she keeps getting agitated about it I mostly go quiet and am like that little kid being told off again :( Last time though I told her I wasn't going to discuss it and that I had to get back to work (which I did - time difference for us means I phone in the morning for her night as I find she's better to talk to at night than in the morning). I think I'll use the - gotta go now excuse the minute she starts up rather than 'discuss' it with her.
 

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