When people ask.....so, how is your Mum?

[gillybean]

I usually say, well she's OK, safe and looked after well.

What I really want to say is.....each time I go a little bit more of her is missing.....what kind of life does she have, sitting in a lounge, moving to the table, moving back to bed......not knowing what day/time it is.......it's not really my Mum there now it's someone else.......she doesn't even know it's Christmas and she used to love this time of year.

You can't really tell them this as mostly they have no idea of the grief you feel and it is grief already.....
Sad times.

 

[marionq]

Yes, I think you say less and less as time goes on. It seems a betrayal to admit how distressing the decline is and you sound so miserable if you are not upbeat and positive and of course you want to be pleasant and appear coping. It is all so complex. My new resolution is to stop saying everything is fine even if I don't actually go into details about what is wrong.

 

[keywest67]

Hi, yes I can totally relate to that, when people asked how Dad was if I told them how it really was I ended up apologising for sounding so depressing and then in the end you just end up saying less and less because it's easier........my Dad passed away 2 weeks ago and despite the fact I have seen him decline and slip further and further away from us over the past 3 years it is still unbelievable to me that he has gone. Wishing you strength as I understand how hard it is, such a cruel illness, it just takes them slowly bit by bit x

 

[Floydy]

Hi Gill,
I get this all the time as well. It's just people being nice and feeling concerned, especially those who knew my mother well before she had to move into the care home.
There are old friends of her who I see occasionally. Folk from her old art class group who ask if she still paints in the home. I usually just say no, but the actual fact of the matter is that she can "draw" no better than a two-year-old. Four years ago she was painting landscapes and bowls of fruit and having them exhibited in notable local galleries. It's so sad.

I find, like you, that it's perhaps best to tell a little white lie sometimes and basically say that she is being looked after well and that's about it. I feel like I'm upsetting someone's day if I talk about the particulars of how my mother is in detail. I guess it depends on the person you're speaking to. If they have had experience of someone they know who has/had dementia, it's easier to explain.

 

[Sheepteach]

I usually reply that dad is happy and healthy in his own home - which generally speaking he is. They don't need to know that we have disconnected the cooker because he isn't safe or that he has started referring to me as though I am his sister...

 

[Jess26]

Does anyone else get cross when people ask the question and you briefly relate the current situation or tell about an incident. They say 'Oh well, it comes to us all with age'. Er, no, it doesn't!

My closest friend used to say this to me all the time.

 

[Anongirl]

Someone asked me this yesterday. I told them she was deteriorating. Their reply is something that many people think. "Well it's better than a physical illness really, at least she doesn't know what's happening".

Not strictly true because she still gets upset and frustrated when the carers help her shower/undress/eat, etc because she wants to do it herself but can't. How she's depressed and wishes her life wasn't like this but unfortunately people still believe that people with dementia are just completely unaware of what is happening to them. Hard to cover all that in a five minute chat though!

 

[BabyBoomer]

Oh I can so relate. Dad is as happy as he is ever going to be, weeks into his new NH. He complains that is noisy at night and doesn't sleep - ask him 5 minutes, literally , later and he says he slept well. He says nobody speaks but he won't talk to anyone - and my favourite - it's full of old people in wheelchairs who are disabled ( pot-kettle)! But seriously it's hard to answer in a couple of words when people ask. He's outlived all his friends and is dying an inch at a time. I lost my late husband very very quickly and although devastating feel that it was kinder to him and us. Took Dad out today and he was in wheelchair at the side of the car in heavy sleet, he still needs telling to get into the car, getting gloves on is difficult for him to figure out too. Showed nurses a photo of him 5 years ago and they had trouble recognising him. So hard.


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[PeggySmith]

I said something terrible the other day. I was dashing round the Supermarket in a frantic hurry concentrating on my shopping list and somebody stopped me to ask, "How's MIL?" Mouth engaged before brain and I replied, "Still dying very slowly." I felt terrible as soon as the words were out but, there you go - it's the truth after all.

 

[gillybean]

Like someone has said I think it depends who you're talking to, my auntie just thinks it's her medication that's making her like this, I think it's a slow deterioration.
I couldn't get her to engage with anything today, she wouldn't even look at me when I sat beside her yet cried and grasped onto me when I left. Very upsetting, I never look forward to visits how selfish of me, I always come away feeling sad and helpless. Hard isn't it?

 

[Vintage43]

Your reply sounds perfect for when that question may be asked by my mums younger brother one day.
He never visits or calls her or even bothers to ask me how she or I is doing if I see him. I get so angry thinking about it. Mum worked for him for years and she helped him out so many times. My mum lives on her own, she has only me (and day care) to help support her as long as is possibal in her home. He lives 5 mins away. He can find the time to go to church and pray for the world! He does not even know how bad she has got or that she now has carers 4 times a day.
I have never mentioned what i think to him, i know my gran would have been anoyed at him also. But you cant make some one care can you.

At least I have had a good rant on here .....

 

[MReader]

My reply to this unfortunate question is usually 'Oh, he's Malcolm - you know how things are' & that usually is enough to move the conversation on.

I sincerely think that people really are concerned but just don't know what else to say.

 

[BR_ANA]

My answer is " she is fine, except by a stage 6-7 dementia"

 

[Neph]

Safe warm but failing is my usual answer. What else can you say, she's end of end stage and we are all just waiting for that phone call. People who have no experience of it don't have a clue.

 

[Oxy]

Sometimes feel people ask out of politeness in same way as 'how are you'. Doubt the minuteae are really desired.

 

[Sweet]

We get what dementia's about...lots of people don't...because it hasn't touched them, which was me before mums illness!

Comment I get regarding mum is...... "she's had a good innings" .. (92yrs) ....I find it annoying

 

[Oxy]

Stupid response-if someone had cancer they wouldn't say 'had a good innings'. Ramifications of any dementia are equally devastating regardless of age of the owner of this family of diseases. (Last sentence a bit loose I know but challenges for all, just circumstances different depending on age.)

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Someone asked me this yesterday. I told them she was deteriorating. Their reply is something that many people think. "Well it's better than a physical illness really, at least she doesn't know what's happening".

That does infuriate me - first, it IS a physical illness and second, so much of the behavioural issues are because the person is frustrated, angry and afraid of what is happening to them.

 

[jeany123]

If people ask how my husband is I always say "not so bad thank you" they don't really want to know do they, they are just being polite,
They never ask, not so bad as what?