What next?

[duncanmac]

My dad has vascular dementia amongst other conditions. He has been living alone, and seemed lonely and isolated. With his consent I arranged for him to move to a warden controlled flat near to me and my children. We spent a lot of time and money making sure the flat was decorated and homely for him. We are taking it in turns to visit him every day (previously it was once a week). I've arranged a care package and the new agency seem much better than the previous one.
2 weeks in and he has told me he wants me to move him back to his house. He is happier there.....I'm playing for time, have said I haven't got the energy to move him back just yet. He has moved county and hasn't yet been assigned a CPN over here, where he had had the same CPN for a number of years. I'm going to chase that up tomorrow - but I just feel so helpless.
I have no idea what to do for the best. I've spent near £2K of his money moving him, thinking it was permanent.
I know he just thinks he is happier in his old house - the reality was he was miserable as sin, no-one bar carers ever visited. The major difference with his new place is that he is too far to walk to the shops - I've tried to ease that by me or my children taking him regularly and arranging for the care agency to take him out twice a week. I think some of his problem is lack of control - before the dementia he was a total control freak, to the point of making mine and my children's lives miserable.

 

[malc]

are you sure this isn't just a case of him looking back in time with rose tinted spectacles on,give it time and him loads of reasons why this is a better scenario.

 

[edwardbs]

he is still in control

My dad has vascular dementia amongst other conditions. He has been living alone, and seemed lonely and isolated. With his consent I arranged for him to move to a warden controlled flat near to me and my children. We spent a lot of time and money making sure the flat was decorated and homely for him. We are taking it in turns to visit him every day (previously it was once a week). I've arranged a care package and the new agency seem much better than the previous one.
2 weeks in and he has told me he wants me to move him back to his house. He is happier there.....I'm playing for time, have said I haven't got the energy to move him back just yet. He has moved county and hasn't yet been assigned a CPN over here, where he had had the same CPN for a number of years. I'm going to chase that up tomorrow - but I just feel so helpless.
I have no idea what to do for the best. I've spent near £2K of his money moving him, thinking it was permanent.
I know he just thinks he is happier in his old house - the reality was he was miserable as sin, no-one bar carers ever visited. The major difference with his new place is that he is too far to walk to the shops - I've tried to ease that by me or my children taking him regularly and arranging for the care agency to take him out twice a week. I think some of his problem is lack of control - before the dementia he was a total control freak, to the point of making mine and my children's lives miserable.

He is still trying to control you. the only thing you can do is behave as badly as him and say you are here you asked to be here and the move it a done deal when he has finished throwing a tandum tellhim that the following will be done and if he expexts visitors he WILL behave politely. i assume that his dementia is not so bad that he would not understand.i have vascular dementia. i cant spell now sorry. lostthat.but i can live alone and shop mainly because i dont want to be dependent on my daughter.
have you sorted out power of atterney for when he cant look after his money etc?
It must be done while he knows what is happening. or it will cost a serious fortune and be a pain in the
my brother in under the court and mum has to keep details for everything. every train ticket coffee to the last penny and he hasnt any real money just benefits, most of which go to the court.
sorry about typing
Edward

 

[MrsMoose]

I think change is hard for the elderly and particularly hard for elderly people with his dementia.

My father in law had a similar move from the flat he lived in independently to sheltered accommodation. His memory problems were less advanced at the time.

But I think it is natural to grieve for the loss of independence, and if you are someone who likes to feel in control, then the 'sheltered' aspect must be harder to accept.

The important thing is that he did consent to the move, and he is safer now and less isolated. Hopefully he will settle gradually. Perhaps a mixture of pointing out some of the benefits, while refusing to engage in argument/discussion of a move back - and trying to arrange a few treats(?), will help him to get more settled over time.

 

[duncanmac]

Thank you for your replies, those and reading other people's similar experiences have made me feel less alone.