My dad has been in a care home for 6 weeks now. He doesn't realise he's not going home and keeps asking about it. We have discussed what to do about Xmas Day. I wasn't sure if it was a good thing taking dad to one of our houses as he might decide he wants to go home and refuse to go back to the home. He had rented his house but we have cleared it and it has been rented out to someone else now. My sister feels she can cope with taking him to her house as he still knows who we are and enjoys seeing his grandkids. She will take him home as soon as she thinks he has had enough. Myself, my two sisters and maybe my brother will visit on Boxing Day as we all used to gather that day. Who knows how it will all go? I hope you all manage a good day however you manage it. I do believe you have to think of yourselves too.
Christmas in nursing home
- Thread starter Pringle
- Start date
This is my dilemma this year as well. My mom has been in a lovely care home for 3 months now. So far I'm very happy with her care and she's forgotten that she has another home. It has gone as well as can be expected- better than we thought really.
Last year (when she was still living at home) we brought her to our houses overnight for Christmas Eve and to my brother's house for the big dinner, then my other brother picked her up and took her to his place for the night and took her home Boxing Day. It was okay, but I think it was too much for her to cope with. She had no idea if she was coming or going.
This year, I'm torn between wanting her to share Christmas with us and wanting to avoid too much stress and confusion for her. I really don't know what to do. We need to avoid taking her back to the care home after dark. She gets very agitated and upset and doesn't understand why she is going there. I think the night frightens her and she doesn't recognize the place when all is quiet and the residents have gone to their rooms.
Last year (when she was still living at home) we brought her to our houses overnight for Christmas Eve and to my brother's house for the big dinner, then my other brother picked her up and took her to his place for the night and took her home Boxing Day. It was okay, but I think it was too much for her to cope with. She had no idea if she was coming or going.
This year, I'm torn between wanting her to share Christmas with us and wanting to avoid too much stress and confusion for her. I really don't know what to do. We need to avoid taking her back to the care home after dark. She gets very agitated and upset and doesn't understand why she is going there. I think the night frightens her and she doesn't recognize the place when all is quiet and the residents have gone to their rooms.
We need someone to tell us what to do 
There was a webchat on this subject the other day but I missed it. Is there a transcript sometimes? I'm thinking my mum will be better staying put. It's so cold outside to bring her out. I'll have a word & find out what happens in the home. It's a small home (20 places when full) & a Georgian house more like a guest house, she still 'wants to go home' though.
There was a webchat on this subject the other day but I missed it. Is there a transcript sometimes? I'm thinking my mum will be better staying put. It's so cold outside to bring her out. I'll have a word & find out what happens in the home. It's a small home (20 places when full) & a Georgian house more like a guest house, she still 'wants to go home' though.Maybe people are better left in the CH? Bearing in mind prople with dementia don't do well with change, they are probabley best left there.
The exception would be if they are regularly taken out, then that would be what they are used to.
CHs generally make an effort at Christmas, and I found it best to go on Christmas eve, which was fairly quiet.I took presents, often things to eat, but found my poor aunt could no remember how to unwrap them.
Most homes will let you eat Christmas dinner there by arrangement if you want.
Anyone with severe dementia does not seem to recognise Christmas, so just need to be in their usual routine.
Sorry if my views seem harsh, Christmas can be so sad with dementia in the family can't it?
This is my first Christmas without either of my aunts who had dementia. I miss them in spite of all the problems they had.
The exception would be if they are regularly taken out, then that would be what they are used to.
CHs generally make an effort at Christmas, and I found it best to go on Christmas eve, which was fairly quiet.I took presents, often things to eat, but found my poor aunt could no remember how to unwrap them.
Most homes will let you eat Christmas dinner there by arrangement if you want.
Anyone with severe dementia does not seem to recognise Christmas, so just need to be in their usual routine.
Sorry if my views seem harsh, Christmas can be so sad with dementia in the family can't it?
This is my first Christmas without either of my aunts who had dementia. I miss them in spite of all the problems they had.
I don't think you are harsh. I'm just coming round to that way of thinking. On a good day I may be able to get sense out of her & ask her opinion but when Christmas Day arrives she could be totally different. It's been years of doing things around her/what she wanted. I think I need to think of the others in the family now, they want my attention for a change. Think I'll go Christmas Eve day maybe & then take family couple of days later.
I am struggling with this one too. Currently mum has leg in plaster and could not get into my house in a wheelchair. IF leg is out of plaster AND she can get into my house, I will bring her back for lunch. But yes, she is frail and hates the cold. I think I want her to come as much for my sake as hers. She has only been in the home two months and seems to be moving further away from me. In fact, she told the carers she hasn't seen me for months!! I don't have my other family and just miss her so much
. In fact, she told the carers she hasn't seen me for months!! I don't have my other family and just miss her so muchChristmas sorted - I think!
Well went to visit Dad yeserday and had a talk about Christmas. I asked him what he wanted to do, I gave him 2 alternatives as open questions dont get a response. Either I can pick him up nad take to my daughters and grandchildren for a family lunch or I come to NH and we both have lunch there. He chose to stay in th NH. He does not like noise or bother at all these days and I thing the children will be too much. He has a sleep in bed in the afternoons so I will then go over to my daughters and have tea there. As far as Dad can make choices , this one I think is valid so I'll let you know how it goes. It will be my first christmas morning without my girls and grandchildren, but different doensnt necessarily mean bad.
Well went to visit Dad yeserday and had a talk about Christmas. I asked him what he wanted to do, I gave him 2 alternatives as open questions dont get a response. Either I can pick him up nad take to my daughters and grandchildren for a family lunch or I come to NH and we both have lunch there. He chose to stay in th NH. He does not like noise or bother at all these days and I thing the children will be too much. He has a sleep in bed in the afternoons so I will then go over to my daughters and have tea there. As far as Dad can make choices , this one I think is valid so I'll let you know how it goes. It will be my first christmas morning without my girls and grandchildren, but different doensnt necessarily mean bad.
Yes Christmas is a problem my husband went into care in September and the hardest thing is knowing but not wanting to accept things will never be the same. When visiting between one and two hours is enough before he doesn't want any more interaction so when the care home offered a three course lunch for up to 4 guests for each resident at a cost of only £8 it was the obvious solution especially as he still recognises us, who knows next year he may not. Like previous posts trying to take him out is so difficult and stressful the facilities and help from carers in the home means a more peaceful occasion for everyone concerned as they do not realise now what Christmas is all about. Good luck and happy Christmas to all in the same position.
I will be doing the same thing, Lilian. Trying to get mum to my house, I think, will stress both of us out. I will have lunch with her at the home and then try to leave mid-afternoon when hopefully they will all be having a snooze. I predict feeling super-guilty when I leave now. It depends on the day whether mum will realise it is Christmas or indeed where she is. It is hard though. Returning from the home to an empty house will also be difficult. Sending (((hugs))) to us all.
...thats it, we have the rest of the family to think of too, I have my Mum coming for the day and my daughter/soninlaw/grandson as well as my 16yr old son so a bit of a mad house. We will see Dad on christmas eve and boxing day but I might pop over late christmas morning if I can organise things....
Am in exactly the same situation first xmas for dad in care home. We have not taken him out of the home for fear of unsettling the degree of acceptance 5 months on he and the staff have achieved. I have been with him during some of the home xmas activities and even things like panto...xmas party...carols have unnerved him. I visit every other day can never say goodbye properly and wouldn't for him consider it a good idea to bring him to my home for xmas lunch so I will be spending time with him xmas eve xmas day and boxing day. It is hard isn't it for us all but dad would not be able to make sense of it so woild I be doing it for him or for me. Good luck with whatever you decide.
Nursing home had their Xmas party in Friday. I asked the physio yesterday how she went. The physio advised that mum found all the noise (there was lots) very difficult and was taken back to her room quite early in the piece.
Mum has been settled, temper wise, for a few weeks now. I really really don't want to have the mean and miserable mother back.
Mum isn't referring to Xmas at all even though she has had a few cards delivered directly to the nursing home.
Being in Australia we have the opposite problem with heat an issue though apparently it is going to rain on Xmas day.
Mum gets very confused early now. She didn't recognize her dog myself or her grandson in photos I showed her last week.
I suppose what I am trying to say (and to justify it to myself)
Is we aren't being her back to my place
We are visiting her in the nursing home we shall probable visit half a hour and then we will leave.
Mum struggles with noise, her speech and I struggle with trying to talk to her.
She gets tired very quickly and in the nursing home if she is ready for you to go she just goes to her door. At my place she wouldn't be able to indicate that
Mum has been settled, temper wise, for a few weeks now. I really really don't want to have the mean and miserable mother back.
Mum isn't referring to Xmas at all even though she has had a few cards delivered directly to the nursing home.
Being in Australia we have the opposite problem with heat an issue though apparently it is going to rain on Xmas day.
Mum gets very confused early now. She didn't recognize her dog myself or her grandson in photos I showed her last week.
I suppose what I am trying to say (and to justify it to myself)
Is we aren't being her back to my place
We are visiting her in the nursing home we shall probable visit half a hour and then we will leave.
Mum struggles with noise, her speech and I struggle with trying to talk to her.
She gets tired very quickly and in the nursing home if she is ready for you to go she just goes to her door. At my place she wouldn't be able to indicate that
We need someone to tell us what to do
Is it fairly close to your home? I found the simplest thing with my mother (since she no longer used to realise it was Christmas even before she went into the CH, not even with crackers on the table, etc.) was to visit in the morning for maybe an hour and leave shortly before the CH lunch.
But then the CH is very close and we never have our Christmas dinner till about 5 anyway.
This is my first Christmas ever on my own.
Just got back from visiting my husband at his NH for Christmas morning and lunch.
He enjoyed opening the presents with help and eating the choccies and other treats. He was ok at lunch and managed to eat most of his meal with my help.
After lunch he wanted a nap so I sat and watched TV next to his bed. He was a bit restless after an hour and a half and insisted on clearing his bed and rearranging things in the room. As a result he fell over but got back up on his own. On his waking he had no idea who I was and wouldn't take advice. I called the nurses to give him a hand and left to come home.
My husband has Dementia with Lewy Bodies and is on Rivastigmine and anti depressants which he has responded well to.
I realise he will get worse and dread it. I don't know what to do with myself now and can't see past the dementia. There is no time scale and precious little I can do except be there for him. I feel so guilty that I cannot cope with this.
If you know of someone who is lonely in a nursing home, give them some time.
If you know of someone like me who is experiencing this strange loss but not loss, I cannot advise what to offer except tea and sympathy.
Just got back from visiting my husband at his NH for Christmas morning and lunch.
He enjoyed opening the presents with help and eating the choccies and other treats. He was ok at lunch and managed to eat most of his meal with my help.
After lunch he wanted a nap so I sat and watched TV next to his bed. He was a bit restless after an hour and a half and insisted on clearing his bed and rearranging things in the room. As a result he fell over but got back up on his own. On his waking he had no idea who I was and wouldn't take advice. I called the nurses to give him a hand and left to come home.
My husband has Dementia with Lewy Bodies and is on Rivastigmine and anti depressants which he has responded well to.
I realise he will get worse and dread it. I don't know what to do with myself now and can't see past the dementia. There is no time scale and precious little I can do except be there for him. I feel so guilty that I cannot cope with this.
If you know of someone who is lonely in a nursing home, give them some time.
If you know of someone like me who is experiencing this strange loss but not loss, I cannot advise what to offer except tea and sympathy.
Ooh and a hug even if it's only virtual online one and I have a huge squishy one for you xx
Welcome fluff to TP. You are amongst friends who totally understand everything you say and don't say. Keep posting and I'm sure you will find so much comfort and wonderful advice from the wonderful people here xx
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Christmas 2015
My OH has just moved into a new nursing home last Friday. I had flu so I did not assist with the move.
I went in on Monday and found they were feeding him pureed food. I was shocked as he enjoys his food and eats well. The manager explained that he had choked on some food so they had decided to give him pureed.
I insisted they went back to ordinary food and was able to help him eat his next meal no problem. I think he has a bit of a cold and he may have had a cough.
He is supposed to be on 1 to 1 support but the care staff left me alone with him. Not only that but there are three lounges and most of the time there are no care staff in them.
The chairs are all synthetic plastic coverings, I asked for a fabric covered chair or cushion to help with my OH's skin issues. No one seems to be bothered.
There are unpleasant smells in the home and it is quite cold. I pointed out to a senior carer that a resident was about to wee in the lounge. He came and put the resident in the next lounge then disappeared. The resident then wee'd so I went to tell the carer.
He came and saw, had words with the resident then went for a mop and bucket. I thought it would have been easier and more dignified of him to help the resident to the toilet in the first place.
I cannot understand half the staff and they cannot understand me.
When I asked if I could have Christmas lunch with my OH I was told it would cost £10. I will pay it but I wonder if they will still expect me to feed my OH as well. I don't mind, I like helping him, but I just feel that they are getting paid 1 to 1 for nothing.
As I was leaving yesterday evening I went to ask for the 1 to 1 carer but they said there were only two carers and they were busy ( the home has 31 residents) I said they needed to find someone. The carer came to sit with Brian but as I was leaving I saw the nurse watching for me to go.
Only plain rich tea biscuits are served with drinks trolley, the food is unpleasant and care is sparse.
I am scared for my OH but places for severe dementia are scarce. I already have another 3 homes looking at getting him out but it depends on spaces.
He has NHS funding now so the LA don't seem to want to carry on helping me, the SW said she had signed him off and she didn't even see the home.
Merry Christmas
My OH has just moved into a new nursing home last Friday. I had flu so I did not assist with the move.
I went in on Monday and found they were feeding him pureed food. I was shocked as he enjoys his food and eats well. The manager explained that he had choked on some food so they had decided to give him pureed.
I insisted they went back to ordinary food and was able to help him eat his next meal no problem. I think he has a bit of a cold and he may have had a cough.
He is supposed to be on 1 to 1 support but the care staff left me alone with him. Not only that but there are three lounges and most of the time there are no care staff in them.
The chairs are all synthetic plastic coverings, I asked for a fabric covered chair or cushion to help with my OH's skin issues. No one seems to be bothered.
There are unpleasant smells in the home and it is quite cold. I pointed out to a senior carer that a resident was about to wee in the lounge. He came and put the resident in the next lounge then disappeared. The resident then wee'd so I went to tell the carer.
He came and saw, had words with the resident then went for a mop and bucket. I thought it would have been easier and more dignified of him to help the resident to the toilet in the first place.
I cannot understand half the staff and they cannot understand me.
When I asked if I could have Christmas lunch with my OH I was told it would cost £10. I will pay it but I wonder if they will still expect me to feed my OH as well. I don't mind, I like helping him, but I just feel that they are getting paid 1 to 1 for nothing.
As I was leaving yesterday evening I went to ask for the 1 to 1 carer but they said there were only two carers and they were busy ( the home has 31 residents) I said they needed to find someone. The carer came to sit with Brian but as I was leaving I saw the nurse watching for me to go.
Only plain rich tea biscuits are served with drinks trolley, the food is unpleasant and care is sparse.
I am scared for my OH but places for severe dementia are scarce. I already have another 3 homes looking at getting him out but it depends on spaces.
He has NHS funding now so the LA don't seem to want to carry on helping me, the SW said she had signed him off and she didn't even see the home.
Merry Christmas
Oh Fluffyval this situation sounds awful. What a situation to be in. I contributed to this thread last year having my mum but she died the end of April, so those issues have disappeared but was emailed this link & it's interesting to read what I wrote over a year ago. I ended up visiting her Christmas Eve & then with family on Boxing Day & it was fine. She thought my son was her dad & I was always her mum I think a spouse is different though to a parent. I think you need to report the situation, but obviously can't over Christmas & New Year, to the people funding it - NHS. Can you report it to the owner or manager of the home/would it do any good? I think you should report your observations of the peeing incident too. It may be that they've had staff phone in sick, so not their fault, but it may be also saving money. I know you won't want to rock the boat & I hope you can find a nursing home you're happy with. My mum was in a good home, but she fell & broke her humerus & ended up in hospital and slept away & hospital wasn't good & I was complaining about something every time I went in & as she was on end of life care I was in at all sorts of times & seeing all sorts. The last week she was moved to a hospice. I didn't want her moved as she was so ill, but it was a marvelous place & best place to be. So different from hospital. I hope you can get your situation resolved. NHS funding can be used anywhere, doesn't have to be in a nursing home. My mum was in a care home but was classed as needing nursing care but we were self funding as she died before I could get NHS funding in place.
I think a spouse is different though to a parent. I think you need to report the situation, but obviously can't over Christmas & New Year, to the people funding it - NHS. Can you report it to the owner or manager of the home/would it do any good? I think you should report your observations of the peeing incident too. It may be that they've had staff phone in sick, so not their fault, but it may be also saving money. I know you won't want to rock the boat & I hope you can find a nursing home you're happy with. My mum was in a good home, but she fell & broke her humerus & ended up in hospital and slept away & hospital wasn't good & I was complaining about something every time I went in & as she was on end of life care I was in at all sorts of times & seeing all sorts. The last week she was moved to a hospice. I didn't want her moved as she was so ill, but it was a marvelous place & best place to be. So different from hospital. I hope you can get your situation resolved. NHS funding can be used anywhere, doesn't have to be in a nursing home. My mum was in a care home but was classed as needing nursing care but we were self funding as she died before I could get NHS funding in place.Thoughts appreciated
thanks for your thoughts. I feel like you described, always complaining about something at the home, I do tell the manager, maybe she will take it on board.
He is supposedly on one to one but when I got there this morning he was in bed with the rails up trying to get out and no-one with him.
They got him dressed and he seemed fine until about twenty minutes later, having his porridge he suddenly slipped off to sleep and slept all morning. He had a third of his Christmas dinner with his eyes shut and then they put him to bed again. I think that in hindsight they gave him some quetiapine after dressing him and that him being out of it was as a result of the chemical cosh.
I got so tired i went home at 3pm fell asleep.
I am very worried that he isn't getting enough fluid whilst he is so tired.
As you say there isn't much I can do because of the holidays.
thanks for your thoughts. I feel like you described, always complaining about something at the home, I do tell the manager, maybe she will take it on board.
He is supposedly on one to one but when I got there this morning he was in bed with the rails up trying to get out and no-one with him.
They got him dressed and he seemed fine until about twenty minutes later, having his porridge he suddenly slipped off to sleep and slept all morning. He had a third of his Christmas dinner with his eyes shut and then they put him to bed again. I think that in hindsight they gave him some quetiapine after dressing him and that him being out of it was as a result of the chemical cosh.
I got so tired i went home at 3pm fell asleep.
I am very worried that he isn't getting enough fluid whilst he is so tired.
As you say there isn't much I can do because of the holidays.
It's difficult to know if it is medication or the dementia making him sleep so much. My mum wasn't on any dementia meds as she had Parkinson's Dementia with Lewy Body & nothing worked for it, side effects just made her feel worse & she slept a lot, more & more as the dementia got worse, which was better than agitation/sundowning at earlier stage.
Boxing day
I was worried about OH and had trouble sleeping so I went to the Home at 05.30
OH was sitting dressed in his room alone. I asked why there was no-one with him and the answer I got was that there weren't enough staff. I rang adult safeguarding to report what was going on.
Nearly an hour later someone came with a wheelchair to take him to the lounge, I commented on them not using a strap for lifting. They said he could stand and walk. But when they brought him to the lounge they used a lifting strap to move him to the chair.
We got a cup of tea at about 07.30
I asked for, and received some squash which my OH had two glasses of then he drank his tea. He has a severe pain in his head.
It is now 09.00 and no food has been offered to him or me. I think I am now officially a nuisance as the manager arrived early and asked me if I wanted to take him home. I replied that he needed one to one support.
There is a lady here who has a nasty cut on her hand, I pointed it out and they said they knew. It isn't dressed and its bloody so the blood is going on the things she touches.
I know there is money available for my OH's care. I am worried about him being here. Safeguarding just said I needed to speak to the home manager.
I was worried about OH and had trouble sleeping so I went to the Home at 05.30
OH was sitting dressed in his room alone. I asked why there was no-one with him and the answer I got was that there weren't enough staff. I rang adult safeguarding to report what was going on.
Nearly an hour later someone came with a wheelchair to take him to the lounge, I commented on them not using a strap for lifting. They said he could stand and walk. But when they brought him to the lounge they used a lifting strap to move him to the chair.
We got a cup of tea at about 07.30
I asked for, and received some squash which my OH had two glasses of then he drank his tea. He has a severe pain in his head.
It is now 09.00 and no food has been offered to him or me. I think I am now officially a nuisance as the manager arrived early and asked me if I wanted to take him home. I replied that he needed one to one support.
There is a lady here who has a nasty cut on her hand, I pointed it out and they said they knew. It isn't dressed and its bloody so the blood is going on the things she touches.
I know there is money available for my OH's care. I am worried about him being here. Safeguarding just said I needed to speak to the home manager.
