new girl

[Judy2]

I'm new to this forum, but I need to "speak " to someone. Husband 88, recently diagnosed, but seems to be deteriorating rapidly. I'm 72, married 53 yrs. I'm suffering from depression, (who wouldn't!), and finding it all over whelming and frightening. Having difficulty dealing with the question "when are we going home?" It always seems to lead to a long wrangle of words, however hard I try. My husband was never short of words! I dread the conversation veering to that topic, my stomach churns over and I feel anxious, and no doubt look anxious which he will pick up on.

Very little sleep last night, hence the cry for help now, as I feel at a very low ebb. We have 2 loving children, but they don't live close to me. One tries to see us once a week, the other lives too far away. They are worried about me and Dad.

I know there are much braver souls out there coping with worse, please God I can cope as well as you.

Sorry for the pathetic note to my first post, but I will try harder next time to be more positive...

 

[jaymor]

Good morning Judy and welcome to TP.

You are dealing with one of the hardest questions that you can have asked when it comes to dementia. We are never sure where home is for the person asking the question.

Is it their own home that they now longer recognise, is it a home they left a few years ago or even their childhood home.

I would try to distract, tell my husband we would be going later when we had had breakfast, tea, done the washing, cleaned the cupboards, anything I could think of to distract him. When he was still able to help make a cup of tea we had tea and a slice of cake and by then he had forgotten it for a while.

When he could not be distracted I took him out in the car saying we were going and then stop off to do some shopping on the way. I would then drive around for 10 minutes and return home making a big thing if opening the door and going in.

When that did not work we went out for the whole day, to garden centres, shopping centres infact anywhere we could walk around and try to keep him interested.

Sometimes you can take their mind off home sometimes nothing works. The only thing to remember so you don't add to your problems is to try to convince him he is at home because he knows he is not and you won't change that other than to make him anxious and more agitated.

So sorry, your very first question and there is no real solution, but please keep posting we can at least offer you somewhere to come and chat and for such a lot of the expected behaviour we can offer useful advice,

Take care,

Jay

 

[Rettaere]

I'm new to this forum, but I need to "speak " to someone. Husband 88, recently diagnosed, but seems to be deteriorating rapidly. I'm 72, married 53 yrs. I'm suffering from depression, (who wouldn't!), and finding it all over whelming and frightening. Having difficulty dealing with the question "when are we going home?" It always seems to lead to a long wrangle of words, however hard I try. My husband was never short of words! I dread the conversation veering to that topic, my stomach churns over and I feel anxious, and no doubt look anxious which he will pick up on.

Very little sleep last night, hence the cry for help now, as I feel at a very low ebb. We have 2 loving children, but they don't live close to me. One tries to see us once a week, the other lives too far away. They are worried about me and Dad.

I know there are much braver souls out there coping with worse, please God I can cope as well as you.

Sorry for the pathetic note to my first post, but I will try harder next time to be more positive...

Hi Judy,
I can't really give you advice on caring as my aunt is getting cared for in a ch,but I have been through a similar situation with my mum and all I can say is one day as a time.Its so hard and people don't realise that family suffer too.I can only suggest that you get as much help as you can and try and rest when you can.Take care and Big Hugs x

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Judy

I`m pleased you have found Talking Point because even though people here cannot make life easier for you, we can offer support and friendship which might help you feel less isolated.

The `going home` episodes are a nightmare. My husband wanted to go home for a long time and almost every late afternoon I would be following behind him , up the street, as he insisted on looking for his real home and his real family.

He also packed his bags.

Sometimes I could distract him. I loved the winter when it was too dark or too cold or too rainy and I could persuade him to wait until `tomorrow`, hoping when tomorrow came he might have forgotten.

Do you have any help Judy? I hope you do get some time for yourself, you really do need it.

I don`t know if the following fact sheet will give you any ideas for coping.

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=1458&pageNumber=2

 

[truth24]

I echo the thoughts of others but my husband's query was when was he going home to get away from this horrible place. While he still able I would take him out for a while but eventually he retreated to his room and would not speak to me other than to be abusive. Hope that that you do not reach that stage. Sorry not to be helpful but really just wanted to say welcome and I hope you find comfort on this site as I do. Best wishes.

Sent from my GT-N5110

 

[pamann]

Hello judy2 welcome to talking point, my husband hates where we live, everyday he says l live a long way from home, this is very upsetting as we now live in the home that his mother lived in for 50yrs. He wanted to live here before he had Alzheimers now he hates it. What ever we do or say is an inpossible task , my thoughts are with you.♥♥♥

 

[marionq]

This level of anxiety and agitation is intolerable for all concerned. Although I have always been opposed to drugs of any kind, with dementia it is either going down that road or going crazy yourself. You must go back to the GP and say you cannot continue with this.

John is about to start Trazadone in addition to his Zopiclone sleeping pills this week. If it doesn't calm his anxiety about wanting to work we will try something else.

 

[mummajules]

Not pathetic !

I'm new to this forum, but I need to "speak " to someone. Husband 88, recently diagnosed, but seems to be deteriorating rapidly. I'm 72, married 53 yrs. I'm suffering from depression, (who wouldn't!), and finding it all over whelming and frightening. Having difficulty dealing with the question "when are we going home?" It always seems to lead to a long wrangle of words, however hard I try. My husband was never short of words! I dread the conversation veering to that topic, my stomach churns over and I feel anxious, and no doubt look anxious which he will pick up on.

Very little sleep last night, hence the cry for help now, as I feel at a very low ebb. We have 2 loving children, but they don't live close to me. One tries to see us once a week, the other lives too far away. They are worried about me and Dad.

I know there are much braver souls out there coping with worse, please God I can cope as well as you.

Sorry for the pathetic note to my first post, but I will try harder next time to be more positive...

Hi New Girl,
You are NOT pathetic my lovely, you are in a very difficult situation. I totally know how hard your life is. Please take some time out for yourself. I highly recommend the Alzheimers Society, try and find your local phone number. They actually offer more than support, they actually act and do something. They helped me enormously this week, when psychiatrists, doctors,social workers all let my dad down. They saved my dad,me, and all our family from a complete tragedy.
Please ask for help. Take care of yourself,be kind to yourself. Take some time out for you. I wish you all the best and pray that you will get some peace and me time.xxxxx

 

[Hervieux]

Hello Judy2,we all send our love and support to you.It is frightening,exhausting and just plain miserable.My husband(72) has been talking complete and utter rubbish all day today,the people on the tv are all talking to him and going to come into the house!!! Scary for him.So,be strong,talk to your children as often as you can,they are your lifeline.They need reassuring too,it affects everyone in the family circle.Just hug each other,and cry sometimes!It helps a tiny bit.Not what we thought our retirement years would be,but try to hang on for for the odd happy day,they do happen!Lots of love.xx


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