What happens when ? Help Needed please

Norrms

Registered User
Feb 19, 2009
5,631
0
Torquay Devon
I really need your help on this one PLEASE ..............

When a person with Dementia has a wife, husband/ loved one who has passed away first how would you deal with the arrangements whilst including the person with dementia as much as possible and what would you do differently (If anything) on the day of the funeral ?

Your help very much appreciated
Love Norrms xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
5,677
0
Midlands
We involved mum as much as we could, but to be honest, it all went on around her really.

she knew he'd died, but her grief was 'shallow' - not the right word but.... Losing her husband of 61 years didn't seem to penetrate her skin as far the fact that I'd lost by beloved dad did mine.

The only interest she really took in the funeral arrangements was to ask if there would be cake..... which she asked numerous times.

She objected to us having a memorial service for him - she said the crem ''would do''. My bro and ?I did join forces and arrange a memorial service - standing room only the church was so full.

after the service, she was talked to by people - but you certainly would not have guessed it was her husbands funeral-

What we found very difficult was deciding what to do with dads ashes- did we remind her he'd died? She thought he was at the shop, or away with another woman ( as if! ) so couldn't really scatter his ashes while she was alive, nor could I do it without her- just didn't seem right- she outlived him by 15 months, so we scattered them together in the end.


In summing up, she knew ( although soon forgot) but it didn't seem to pierce her skin - that's the only description I can use.
 

chris53

Registered User
Nov 9, 2009
2,929
0
London
Dear Norrms, my dad died at home, mum just seemed to accept it, even with having Alzheimer's she knew he was very ill, the funeral arrangements and all the other things involved were done by myself and my husband, mum however did remember dads wishes for a spiritual funeral,as I did, although she was rather upset with his ashes being at home for a short while whilst permission was granted by a peer of the realm to scatter dad in the grounds he worked in:) if it is of help,all funeral directors will do a home visit, so arrangements can be done as per the spouses wishes, with an album of pictures to "choose" coffin, flowers etc and with family there to help, it gives dignity and pride to do these last wishes,which mum would have done had dementia not come into her life..mum was so pleased and proud "she"organised dads last wishes!
Chris
 

cragmaid

Registered User
Oct 18, 2010
7,936
0
North East England
Hi Norrms, some people pre-arrange their funerals, perhaps with a prepayment plan or perhaps just writing out their wishes and leaving the paper with their will. If you have completed an LPA form, then the person who is appointed attorney could make the arrangements and wherever possible include the spouse/partner in the arrangement as far as their Dementia permits.
Some people have close families who will all muck in together to make the funeral a true family affair and some families will only do the minimum as a duty.

When my sister died of Leukaemia, she left a letter with me and asked me to include a letter from her which was to be read out at the funeral. Mum has picked out her Hymns and readings now......and woe betide me if I don't do it right....she'll be back to haunt me!!:eek::D:D

If there is no one to state the wishes of the deceased, then it will be up to either the funeral directors or the executors of a will ( if there is one) to do the organising and to advise and include anyone they see as requiring involvement.

If a spouse is capable of being involved, they ought to be...however, if the involvment will bring severe distress or disturbance, a level of damage limitation might need to come into play.

Sorry Norrms, once again I mean to answer briefly and end up writing an essay.x.x.:D
 

angelface

Registered User
Oct 8, 2011
1,085
0
london
We concentrated on the easy things, like getting my aunt who had dementia to choose the fineral flowers. I talked with her about the food for the funeral tea, and she helped me pick out which table cloths and china to use.
On the morning of the funeral, I kept auntie busy by sending her to the hairdressers. I did involve her in all the small, not very upsetting things
Must have done something right, auntie remembered it as a lovely tea party with her friends.
 

love.dad.but..

Registered User
Jan 16, 2014
4,962
0
Kent
Mum died suddenly at home and dad because of his dementia couldn't get help or phone anyone, we found him sitting in his car the next day when we arrived for mum's birthday lunch and then obviously found her. Dad had tears often but arrangements passed him by, he didn't understand any of it, funeral directors, choosing flowers, going to the chapel of rest - veering from tears when we thought he had a moment of clarity to asking who is in the box! On the day of the funeral which was a service and burial, again mostly unaware of the whole process saying he felt sorry for whoever was in there (meaning the coffin when it was taken out of the hearse) so it was extremely difficult having to repeat things while we also were grieving and in shock. The trauma of the events undoubtedly increased his mental decline but we felt it was important to include him in everything just in case there was a moment of clarity where he could understand, we didn't want to regret not including him in case without us realising it may have helped him in his own dementia muddled thoughts. This vile illness made us doubt what is the right thing to do on most things, changing strategies, being flexible to whatever responses we got, hoping we got it as right as we could, gave up trying to second guess what dad was thinking, we just hope we got the balance right in protecting dad from further trauma and minimising further upset and making him feel included but we will never know.
 

carastro

Registered User
May 7, 2012
115
0
In practical terms, the surviving spouse with dementia will not be able to organise the funeral so I would just involve them and get their opinion if any.

My mother in law already had dementia when FIL died and you'd think she was going on a "knees up", talking about finding herself another man even at the funeral to every-one's embarrassment, yet they were happily married for over 60 years. I should add she was 88. Just shows what dementia can do to a person, within a few months she did not even recognise him in photos.

So sad.

Carastro
 

MirandaT

Registered User
Jul 19, 2010
94
0
Spain
I agree with the other posters - involve the person in some of the detail if they are able to be involved, otherwise let them be on the edge of things. I'd been able to talk with my dad about his wishes for the funeral in the weeks before he died which really helped. The morning of the funeral it was snowing heavily. Mum said firmly "Well, you needn't think I'm going out in this!"
It was sad that she didn't fully realise what was going on - they had been such a close couple.
 

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