For the last year my Mum has flatly refused to get into the shower She insists this is because she prefers a bath but before we had the bath removed for my dad to have a walk in shower she never got in the bath either. I used to have to dust it from time to time! She has a carer in the morning to help her get washed/showered and dressed but she flatly refuses to let them help and the best the carer can do is getting a clean set of clothes put out on the bed for her, otherwise she wears the same things day in day out. She claims to have a proper wash after the carer leaves but I can't remember the last time we bought a bar of soap and the washbasin is always bone dry by the time I get to her house. The carer or I put whatever she's worn the previous day and her nightie straight into the wash so she can't put it all on again, but I worry about her smelling and having skin problems. Any bright ideas how to get round this?
Hygiene problems
- Thread starter Lancashirelady
- Start date
My old tutor told us of a man she used to visit (she was a CPN) who hadn't washed or changed his clothes in several years! She said he couldn't be forced to, and as he was otherwise able to care for himself, there was nothing anyone could do. And he remained fit and healthy (apart from his obvious early stage alzheimers disease of course) for several years until his dementia progressed to where he was unable to light a fire and cook for himself. She felt that the washing thing was more of an issue for us than for the person themselves.
However, it is distressing. What about Bath in Bed Wipes, which are as large as a facecloth, but disposable? They are thicker than a wetwipe and can be warmed up. No water or soap involved. Would she go for something like that? If not, and she isn't being helped to actually dress, then I don't really see what you can do, other than what you are doing.
However, it is distressing. What about Bath in Bed Wipes, which are as large as a facecloth, but disposable? They are thicker than a wetwipe and can be warmed up. No water or soap involved. Would she go for something like that? If not, and she isn't being helped to actually dress, then I don't really see what you can do, other than what you are doing.
We have had a huge problem with my Mum not washing etc. for over 18months. Her hair had been unwashed, and daily sprayed with lacquer, it was like hard shiny varnish her glasses were stuck into it, well 10 days ago it all went wrong, she became very distressed in the early hours of the morning, my Dad couldn't get her up from the corner of her bedroom, the ambulance was called they were there for 1.5 hours, the ambulance men were very concerned for her, couldn't believe she had filthy stinking clothes on, odd shoes, coat and scarf, she hadn't changed these clothes for months, she was taken to hospital, they cut all her hair off, I didn't recognise her when I saw her, they washed her body, said her skin was not in good condition, her skin was growing into her socks, and her toe nails were clawed over her toes. My father has yesterday decided he cannot put up with the situation anymore, and my Mum is having to go into a home . Mum has refused all care, and social services tell me that the ambulance report did not make very good reading, social services had seen my Mum at home several times, trying to sort out carers, but she always refused, as they said she had capacity. Now all this has happened, they say she has no capacity, and should have been sectioned. It is for the best that she is admitted into a home, and a shame that we had to wait for a crisis before anything positive happened.
I know my mum (and it appears lots of people with dementia) are terrified of water - especially the shower. I know it's really difficult, especially when incontinence kicks in - but not sure what you can do tbh - I never found an answer - only when my mum"s dementia became very advanced did she let people help with personal care .... Sorry not much help, but she may be fearful and not be able to articulate it to you, or be too proud to admit to the fear and confusion .....
I do manage to do her feet occasionally - she's happy to soak her tootsies in warm soapy water to soften her toenails before I try to hack bits off them. And she lets me wash her hair now and again so it;s not fear of water that's the problem. Reading a couple of the other posts I think I'm getting off lightly!
How awful for everyone, especially your father. I feel like a dreadful whinger in comparison. Hope she settles in the home x
lancashirelady, i posted a few months ago about a similar thing. lots of great replies (i think the thread was called hygiene issues)
my mum insists she has a bath each night, which she may do but there is never any evidence of this. i would move the soap or put fresh soap out to see if it was used. maybe mam had a bath but it became clear that soap wasnt being used. and she would get back in to the smelly nighty and dressing gown. so she was never very clean. if her clothes are being washed maybe run a bath with lots of nice smelly stuff and if she doesnt want it, you have it. ive found my mum will say she doesnt want things then if someone else is having it she wants it. just a thought.
my mum insists she has a bath each night, which she may do but there is never any evidence of this. i would move the soap or put fresh soap out to see if it was used. maybe mam had a bath but it became clear that soap wasnt being used. and she would get back in to the smelly nighty and dressing gown. so she was never very clean. if her clothes are being washed maybe run a bath with lots of nice smelly stuff and if she doesnt want it, you have it. ive found my mum will say she doesnt want things then if someone else is having it she wants it. just a thought.
Wow, I got off lightly.
Before my dad died I was always dropping and seeing mums hair plastered in hairspray and the debris on her shoulders from never changing her clothes. I started to steal the clothes out of the wardrobe, wash them and put them back. Then I would bring one out and say, oh mum you haven't worn this for ages and you always look so nice in it and you would be much warmer in it. That usually got her to change it and then I would take the other item of clothing home and wash that.
If I went in and said anything like, don't you think you out to change your top, brakes would go on.
When we moved in I must be honest I didn't even ask if she wanted a shower I just announced its was time to have a shower and made her leave the door open (I took the locks off the doors too). I checked the soap and the toothbrush to make sure they had been used. When it got to the point that she wasn't washing herself properly then I literally took over. We had a few arguments but nothing too major and she would never have let me do that before dementia.
Mum was bristly, could be bitchy and was definitely no pushover before she got dementia. Now she is a happy and easy going person, mainly. I must admit that I have given up trying to get her to brush her teeth properly but that's mainly due to my irrational dislike of dentures.
Before my dad died I was always dropping and seeing mums hair plastered in hairspray and the debris on her shoulders from never changing her clothes. I started to steal the clothes out of the wardrobe, wash them and put them back. Then I would bring one out and say, oh mum you haven't worn this for ages and you always look so nice in it and you would be much warmer in it. That usually got her to change it and then I would take the other item of clothing home and wash that.
If I went in and said anything like, don't you think you out to change your top, brakes would go on.
When we moved in I must be honest I didn't even ask if she wanted a shower I just announced its was time to have a shower and made her leave the door open (I took the locks off the doors too). I checked the soap and the toothbrush to make sure they had been used. When it got to the point that she wasn't washing herself properly then I literally took over. We had a few arguments but nothing too major and she would never have let me do that before dementia.
Mum was bristly, could be bitchy and was definitely no pushover before she got dementia. Now she is a happy and easy going person, mainly. I must admit that I have given up trying to get her to brush her teeth properly but that's mainly due to my irrational dislike of dentures.
Hi Lancashirelady, I have similar problems with my mum (93) who lives alone at home with my care 2 days a week and carers other days. She has not had a bath or shower for possibly 18 months - she cannot use the bath anymore but the shower is fine - she simply will not have one. She makes up any excuse usually that it doesn't work or that it's too cold and she'll have one when it's warmer (never!) She says she washes herself and is very offended and rude if I hint she needs to wash. She often has a urine smell about her despite my best efforts and Tena pants. I have really given up somewhat as the carers cannot make her wash/shower nor can I! I have come to the conclusion that she is ok and that maybe we are all a bit too worried about having showers. People never had showers in the past and they were ok. I now feel that as long as she is ok and not getting infections or skin problems I will not really push it any more as she gets so upset/angry and it gets me no where. I do however secretly steal away her clothes to wash them quickly in machine whenever I can - once or twice a week. Of course if she doesn't take off the same pair of trousers or whatever, I cannot get at them to wash them - so Fabreeze comes in handy. None of this is at all ideal I know but you can only do your best and sometimes it's better not to have the argument or upset about it all. Good luck and don't worry too much - a shower is not everything!
Don'worry about showering or bathinb my Auntie only had an outside toilet no bathroom, she always had a stripped wash everyday In the kitchen sink, she lived until she was 90, we worry too much these days.♥♥♥
Sent from my GT-P5210 using Talking Point mobile app
Sent from my GT-P5210 using Talking Point mobile app
My sympathies, Lancashirelady. My mum won't bath or shower either, and doesn't change her clothes. She's grubby and smelly (her irregular toileting doesn't help). I live a long way from her and she refuses to come nearer to me, but she does have daily carers. Unfortunately she won't let them wash her - one of them did manage to wash Mum's hair but that was as far as she got and even that didn't last. Twice a week she has day care at a centre and this week I got a phone call about her smelliness. After that I had an infuriatingly patronising conversation with a professional (I won't identify her)who had practically no suggestions and informed me that there was no magic pill to make my mother wash. I wasn't bloody asking for one, but for useful strategies, and I found this remark so insulting.
Next week I'll be talking to the caring agency again to see if we can step up the attempts to get her to wash - the idea is to allow more carer time per week and for the carer to keep offering and trying. I've also downloaded the information sheet from this site. Mum's coming to me for Christmas so I hope I can get her at least a little cleaned up while she's here. But I'm not optimistic.
Edited to add: Things aren't made easier by one of her neighbours who comes up breathless to tell me about everything that's going wrong (usually things I already know about) and who gasps and rolls her eyes at how scruffy Mum is. She thinks Mum should be in a home, and that I'm cruel not to be putting her in one (Mum, of course, is dead against the idea of a home). The neighbour means well but I wish she'd get off my case. I'm doing what I can. Mum has been declared competent to make her own decisions and that's that.
Next week I'll be talking to the caring agency again to see if we can step up the attempts to get her to wash - the idea is to allow more carer time per week and for the carer to keep offering and trying. I've also downloaded the information sheet from this site. Mum's coming to me for Christmas so I hope I can get her at least a little cleaned up while she's here. But I'm not optimistic.
Edited to add: Things aren't made easier by one of her neighbours who comes up breathless to tell me about everything that's going wrong (usually things I already know about) and who gasps and rolls her eyes at how scruffy Mum is. She thinks Mum should be in a home, and that I'm cruel not to be putting her in one (Mum, of course, is dead against the idea of a home). The neighbour means well but I wish she'd get off my case. I'm doing what I can. Mum has been declared competent to make her own decisions and that's that.
Last edited:
Recent Threads
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
Early onset Dementia and Pacemaker replacement. I don’t want to do it.
- Latest: bunnylovevol