Christmas in nursing home

Pringle

Registered User
Dec 22, 2013
19
0
My mum has been in a care home since February. When she first went in I was hoping to take her out occasionally and bring her back to mine for Sunday lunch. Sadly this has not happened as she took a long time to settle believing that my father was still alive and living at home. Nine months on she still asks why my Dad is not visiting her and can I take her home. This is the reason I've not taken her out of the care home, I think it would increase her anxiety and I just can't bear thinking how I would cope if she got distressed by me not taking her home after a visit.

Now Christmas is looming and I can't imagine what it's going to be like going to visit her and then coming home to a house full of family enjoying Christmas without her.

How have other people coped with this? I keep considering the possibility of bringing her here and how nice it would but realistically I know it could go horribly wrong and be distressing for everyone:(
 

WILLIAMR

Account Closed
Apr 12, 2014
1,078
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My mum has been in a care home since February. When she first went in I was hoping to take her out occasionally and bring her back to mine for Sunday lunch. Sadly this has not happened as she took a long time to settle believing that my father was still alive and living at home. Nine months on she still asks why my Dad is not visiting her and can I take her home. This is the reason I've not taken her out of the care home, I think it would increase her anxiety and I just can't bear thinking how I would cope if she got distressed by me not taking her home after a visit.

Now Christmas is looming and I can't imagine what it's going to be like going to visit her and then coming home to a house full of family enjoying Christmas without her.

How have other people coped with this? I keep considering the possibility of bringing her here and how nice it would but realistically I know it could go horribly wrong and be distressing for everyone:(

Happily or unhappily depending on how you look at it my step mother never spent Christmas in care.
I have not had a blood relative in care over Christmas or at any time but a friend of the family was.
The family went for Christmas Dinner at a restaurant at midday and then went for tea at the care home.
As the relative had advanced dementia she could not understand what was going on.
All the family bought cards but they were messed up by the next day.
Sadly the resident passed away 2 weeks later.

William
 

Sweet

Registered User
Jun 16, 2014
72
0
Hi there...as your mum hasn't come out from the care home it's difficult to judge her reaction. Would it be possible to try a trial Sunday lunch to see how it goes.

My mums been in her CH for 18 months. Last Christmas she was able to come for family Christmas lunch, that was enough for her she was ready to go back after. This year being much frailer I'm hoping she will come and visit but I don't think she could sit around the table for any length of time, so I will judge whle she's with us when she's had enough and then take her back.

Just to say there was a lovely happy atmosphere in mums CH last year and lots of families were visiting so if she can't come out, it's different but just spend some time there...hope it goes well.
 

cathykins

Registered User
Aug 6, 2014
29
0
My mum has been in a care home since February. When she first went in I was hoping to take her out occasionally and bring her back to mine for Sunday lunch. Sadly this has not happened as she took a long time to settle believing that my father was still alive and living at home. Nine months on she still asks why my Dad is not visiting her and can I take her home. This is the reason I've not taken her out of the care home, I think it would increase her anxiety and I just can't bear thinking how I would cope if she got distressed by me not taking her home after a visit.

Now Christmas is looming and I can't imagine what it's going to be like going to visit her and then coming home to a house full of family enjoying Christmas without her.

How have other people coped with this? I keep considering the possibility of bringing her here and how nice it would but realistically I know it could go horribly wrong and be distressing for everyone:(


Hi Pringle

I am in exactly the same position as you. Mum has been in a care home for a few months now. It is her birthday next week, and I just don't know how it is going to go. She has not really settled, and gets extremely confused. Dad and I are planning to take her home for a few hours, but we are not sure if that will be possible.

The 'first' of everything is so emotional - Birthday, Christmas, anniversary. It just makes you realise that things will never be the same again. Trying to buy a birthday card reduced me to tears.

We are trying to live each day as it comes, as it seems this wretched disease is totally unpredictable. We know that we are doing the best for her, and that she is in the best place, but for some reason we still feel guilty.

Whatever I do on Christmas day, I will raise a glass and toast all my brave friends here on TP, and wish them a moment of peace, along with their loved ones. We are all in this together

Hugs
xxxx
 

Pringle

Registered User
Dec 22, 2013
19
0
Hi Pringle

I am in exactly the same position as you. Mum has been in a care home for a few months now. It is her birthday next week, and I just don't know how it is going to go. She has not really settled, and gets extremely confused. Dad and I are planning to take her home for a few hours, but we are not sure if that will be possible.

The 'first' of everything is so emotional - Birthday, Christmas, anniversary. It just makes you realise that things will never be the same again. Trying to buy a birthday card reduced me to tears.

We are trying to live each day as it comes, as it seems this wretched disease is totally unpredictable. We know that we are doing the best for her, and that she is in the best place, but for some reason we still feel guilty.

Whatever I do on Christmas day, I will raise a glass and toast all my brave friends here on TP, and wish them a moment of peace, along with their loved ones. We are all in this together

Hugs
xxxx

My mum has never really settled either. She still packs away some of her belongings daily and thinks she's only been there a couple of days and will be going home that day, this is 9 months on! Her room is bare as she will pack photos away.

I have been thinking of a trial run but I just foresee problems. I can only visit her between 12pm-3pm as she's unsettled with her packing routines in the mornings and as the day progresses she becomes more restless and agitated. She has had episodes of aggression in the evening, probably due to her frustrations of wanting to go home and not understanding where she really is. She has lots of toilet mishaps now, has no appetite and weighs just over 6.5 stone:(

I am resigning myself to the fact that I will just have to visit her in the care home instead and hopefully the burden of guilt doesn't weigh me down too much. Is there ever a time when we don't feel guilty though :confused:
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,283
0
SW London
We brought FIL home to us for his first Christmas in the CH. He had been there a few months by then. The CH was over 60 miles away so we had him stay the night. The CH staff did advise against it, saying he would be better off staying in his normal routine, and I have to say they were absolutely right. He was agitated and confused on and off (more confused than usual) thinking it was his own house and worrying about what jobs he ought to be doing. I also think the extra people/noise/fuss did not help.

The following year we took their advice, and when it later came to my mother, who for some time had not been aware anyway that it was Christmas, we just visit her in the morning - thank goodness the CH is quite close. We had known from a few previous Christmases, when we had gone and spent the day with her, that she found any change of routine, or extra people and fuss, would fret her.

Of course every case is different, but I know that with FIL, we thought we ought to bring him here because we thought he'd enjoy it - after all he had always enjoyed it pre dementia. But he simply was not able to enjoy it any more. Dementia does make such a difference.
 
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KingB

Registered User
May 8, 2011
254
0
Berkshire
When my mum was in CH but dad was still at home I took dad into the home, spent a short time with them, dad stayed there and joined the residents for christmas lunch, then I went back with family later on for about an hour and took dad back home. That seemed to work well. I would not have taken mum out for the day because she would have thought I was taking her home for good - and then having to go back the CH would have been really hard.
Now both are in a nursing home my husband and I go in to see them in the morning, then leave when the residents are getting ready for lunch (which is similar to my normal visits). I don't think mum and dad have the energy for a long visit, and it seems better to stick with routine. Also - and this will sound harsh no matter how I try to write it - time with mum and dad can be draining and upsetting, and I don't want xmas memories to become filled with that. I think you have to work out a compromise that works for everyone, including yourself.
 

cathykins

Registered User
Aug 6, 2014
29
0
My mum has never really settled either. She still packs away some of her belongings daily and thinks she's only been there a couple of days and will be going home that day, this is 9 months on! Her room is bare as she will pack photos away.

I have been thinking of a trial run but I just foresee problems. I can only visit her between 12pm-3pm as she's unsettled with her packing routines in the mornings and as the day progresses she becomes more restless and agitated. She has had episodes of aggression in the evening, probably due to her frustrations of wanting to go home and not understanding where she really is. She has lots of toilet mishaps now, has no appetite and weighs just over 6.5 stone:(

I am resigning myself to the fact that I will just have to visit her in the care home instead and hopefully the burden of guilt doesn't weigh me down too much. Is there ever a time when we don't feel guilty though :confused:

Hi Pringle

We intended to have a trial run last Thursday, and told Mum we were taking her home for the afternoon. But as we were getting her ready, the agitation started, and she started her usual 'I can't breathe' routine, which has been her obsession for about six months now. She accuses us of not caring when we refuse to call the doctor as she asks (we have had her checked out by the paramedics and her own doctor who have assured us there is nothing wrong with her breathing). We have tried all different approaches, but nothing seems to work - logic certainly doesn't. We abandoned the trip home, but will see what happens when it comes to her birthday next week.

It seems that her state of mind cannot be influenced by external events, but fluctuates in a seemingly random way. Like yourself, I do wonder if home visits do any good, or if they just add to the confusion.

And no, the guilt never goes away. Every day I question myself as to whether I am doing absolutely everything I can to help her, and hate that fact that she is in a home, even though I know in my heart there is no alternative.

In the words of Nemo, just keep swimming! That's all we can do sometimes.

Hugs x
 

Dustycat

Registered User
Jul 14, 2014
215
0
North East
Last year my Mum was in care and my Dad at home and I didn't feel confident bringing her out so we had Xmas lunch out at a venue near the home and visited in the morning and afternoon. Dad stayed in the home for his lunch. It worked and we all had a lovely day and it was sadly our last Xmas with Mum. Dad is in care now having deteriorated but I think he will be ok to come to us for lunch although I am anxious about it. However I think it may be the last Xmas I can have him with us as he is deteriorating fast so determined to enjoy the day but play it by ear and when he's had enough take him back. I think it is stressful all round and we have to be lead by our loved ones as to whether bringing them out for the day or leaving them in their familiar environment is the best thing to do. Xx
 

Fastwalker

Registered User
Apr 27, 2010
178
0
Tyne and Wear
The nursing home my mum was in did meals for relatives which you ordered. They were good value at £5 although standard fare eg well cooked vegetables and prepared meat. I then had packet trifle which I loved as a child and didn't mind. It was nicer to have a meal with my mum. I took her out in her second year in the home and vowed to never again. I couldn't get her to eat and then she refused to stand up at the end of the meal. In the end I had to haul her out the chair. People looked and stared. It was much easier for me in the home.
 

Pringle

Registered User
Dec 22, 2013
19
0
Thanks for your replies everyone. We've decided to just visit her on the day. Although it will be for the best I know I'm going to walk away from there feeling guilty. I think we all live with guilt daily anyway though:(
 

cathykins

Registered User
Aug 6, 2014
29
0
Good day!

Well, there we were, dreading Mum's birthday. Thinking it would not be possible to take her home for the afternoon. Just goes to show, you never can tell when a good day is just round the corner!

We had a lovely afternoon. Took Mum home, yes she was a little disorientated and needed a guided tour to remind her what her home is like, but I can honestly say that we all had a good afternoon. We sang Happy Birthday, ate some cake, looked at photo albums, and we saw Mum laugh and smile for the first time in months.

We have no idea how she will be tomorrow, but for today we are all giving thanks for a much-needed good day.

Hugs and positive thoughts to all
xxxxxx
 

Pringle

Registered User
Dec 22, 2013
19
0
Well, there we were, dreading Mum's birthday. Thinking it would not be possible to take her home for the afternoon. Just goes to show, you never can tell when a good day is just round the corner!

We had a lovely afternoon. Took Mum home, yes she was a little disorientated and needed a guided tour to remind her what her home is like, but I can honestly say that we all had a good afternoon. We sang Happy Birthday, ate some cake, looked at photo albums, and we saw Mum laugh and smile for the first time in months.

We have no idea how she will be tomorrow, but for today we are all giving thanks for a much-needed good day.

Hugs and positive thoughts to all
xxxxxx

Did you take her to her house? My mums house has now been rented out but she doesn't know that as she mentions going home on most visits. I'm so pleased you had a good day though:) Yes, you just never know what each day will bring! I visited my mum on Sunday and she had packed some items and was glad to see me as apparently she'd spoken to me that morning and I'd said I was going to collect her:rolleyes:

Today's visit was very good in contrast. She did tell me she was fed up and I was able to remind her that if she was home she'd be even more fed up as she'd have no company. I told her that at least there was a lot going on in there and she had people to watch (she's very nosey!). She replied that 'yes but it would be more interesting if they were loony but all this lot do is sleep'. Oh the irony!! We just had to laugh, she laughed along with us thinking she was being naughty, oblivious (thankfully) as to why she or the other residents are actually there.
 

carastro

Registered User
May 7, 2012
115
0
When my mum was in a Residential Home I used to take her out a lot at the beginning, over the park, back to my house for the afternoon and she would sometimes go to her gentleman friend's house for a week at a time. He couldn't cope with her for too long at a time otherwise he would have taken her permanently, so this gave them a continuation of their relationship without it being a burden for him and mum not having to completely stop her "normal life" all in one go. She was not safe to live on her own, so we knew she had a safe place to come home to (self funding).

But as time progressed she got more and more difficult each time we took her back to the home sometimes refusing to get out of the car, so instead of giving her a break from the home and a nice outing, we ended up scared to take her out any more and never taking her out at all.

Like the person said above, she was continually packing her stuff thinking some-one was going to collect her and she was going home. Heart rending. Such a shame because she could have had a lot of nice outings.

Sadly following a serious fall she is now in a Nursing Home unable to walk, or do anything for herself, and it would be impossible to take her out even if we wanted to, and suddenly after 18 months in this 2nd home she is asking to go home again. I feel awful every time I have to go and leave her there.

Carastro
 
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Brogues

Registered User
Apr 13, 2014
150
0
RIGHT

At risk of sounding heartless - Christmas is just another day. Especially if you have dementia. It is great to share, but if its in your loved ones best interest to leave them in care - in my case mums behavior is too erratic and now she has lost her mobility BUT

Leave the guilt - put it down and leave the guilt this is a hard enough thing to live with my mum will spend her Christmas day in the nursing home I might want a family Christmas but I know it would disrupt her and cause her distress

What we can do is include them in anyway we can but accept its not a bad thing they are in a safe warm place - we can enjoy ourlives away fromt his too

Maybe I am heartless about this one but for my childrens sake I keep Christmas as calm and "normal" as possible xxx
 

AngelFace64

Registered User
Jun 19, 2014
8
0
Christmas

With my mum being in a home for nearly 2 years she has dementia and angry with it. Taking her out has itself become a total nightmare. I totally agree with you and your comments sometimes you have to put your own family first. :)
 

cathykins

Registered User
Aug 6, 2014
29
0
Did you take her to her house? My mums house has now been rented out but she doesn't know that as she mentions going home on most visits. I'm so pleased you had a good day though:) Yes, you just never know what each day will bring! I visited my mum on Sunday and she had packed some items and was glad to see me as apparently she'd spoken to me that morning and I'd said I was going to collect her:rolleyes:

Today's visit was very good in contrast. She did tell me she was fed up and I was able to remind her that if she was home she'd be even more fed up as she'd have no company. I told her that at least there was a lot going on in there and she had people to watch (she's very nosey!). She replied that 'yes but it would be more interesting if they were loony but all this lot do is sleep'. Oh the irony!! We just had to laugh, she laughed along with us thinking she was being naughty, oblivious (thankfully) as to why she or the other residents are actually there.

Yes we took her to her house (Dad still lives there). When she first walked in she said 'I don't recognise anything here' but she soon settled. She kept looking round at things, and got a bit confused, but she soon settled when we got the old photo albums out and spoke about stuff she remembered.

Sadly, she is having quite a bad day today - full of anxiety and being rude to the staff. Still, I am grateful that we had one good day with her.

Yes, you do have to try to find something to laugh at, even if it is at their expense sometimes!

Glad you had a good visit too. Celebrate the good days and help each other through the bad ones.

Hugs
x
 

cathykins

Registered User
Aug 6, 2014
29
0
RIGHT

At risk of sounding heartless - Christmas is just another day. Especially if you have dementia. It is great to share, but if its in your loved ones best interest to leave them in care - in my case mums behavior is too erratic and now she has lost her mobility BUT

Leave the guilt - put it down and leave the guilt this is a hard enough thing to live with my mum will spend her Christmas day in the nursing home I might want a family Christmas but I know it would disrupt her and cause her distress

What we can do is include them in anyway we can but accept its not a bad thing they are in a safe warm place - we can enjoy ourlives away fromt his too

Maybe I am heartless about this one but for my childrens sake I keep Christmas as calm and "normal" as possible xxx

Hi Brogues, no that doesn't sound heartless at all, in fact it sounds like good advice. Life does have to go on, especially if you have children who are expecting a 'normal' Christmas. Yes, you are right, our loved ones are in a safe environment with people who are trained to deal with any problems.

It's just that this is the first Christmas my Mum hasn't been with us for Christmas lunch, and it will seem odd without her.

Maybe next year will be easier, if she is still with us.

Thanks for the words of wisdom

Hugs
x
 

BabyBoomer

Registered User
Oct 13, 2014
35
0
Hi, this will be my first Christmas with Dad in nursing home. So far I've been extremely happy with NH but then again I was with his extra care facility when he moved in. But they neglected him and as s result he is where he is. Long story and CQC involved, but it's why I don't take anything at face value. He had settled in well but complains of being bored, no one talks and they're all old, deaf and wheelchair bound (pot and kettle). I take him for Sunday pub lunch every week and visit in the week . His stamina is reducing cause he used to come home with me after lunch but now wants to go to bed. So long winded way of saying I don't know whether to have dinner with Dad at NH on Christmas Day or take him to family.


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
 

clareglen

Registered User
Jul 9, 2013
318
0
Cumbria
I so relate to all of this; the packing, being rude, wanting to go home, unpredictablity of mood/condition etc., etc. My mum been in a lovely home just under 2 months & I was wondering what to do about Christmas & her birthday on 22nd. She's so frail & doesn't like the cold. I was wondering about taking her into town on her birthday (home is in the 'wilds' 13 miles from town) which she used to love but last few times before going into home she didn't engage with it at all & I think it will be too cold for her to enjoy & I don't think I could cope with the toileting in town now or the in & out of the car & wheelchair on my own. Think if she came to my daughter's for Christmas, where we are going, she couldn't manage the stairs & get agitated. I think it's going to have to be visits to her. She's always hated Christmas anyway. I'm sure it'll be nice in the home. It's going to be weird for me though.
 

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